How to eliminate emotional outbursts

Today marks the 21st anniversary of 56 totally innocent Londoners being killed for absolutely no logical reason, by 4 misguided and frankly, really, really bad Muslims, who detonated bombs in 3 underground tubes and one double decker bus.  I say 'really bad' Muslims, because you don't need to be a genius or a saint to read the Quran and realise that killing innocent people will lead you into Hell… NOT Heaven.  52 people of 18 nationalities were killed and nearly 800 were injured in the attacks. Plus the 4 attackers who committed suicide as part of the attack.  Take a moment to let that sink in.

Most of us are walking around all day long, tuned in to Radio Station NST (Non-Stop Thinking). We're constantly playing a soundtrack and watching mind-movies in our heads. Some of these mind-movies and day-dreams seem innocent enough… but they often turn dark and soon become nightmares that fill us with anxiety, worry, sadness, anger, guilt and other forms of negativity. Trying to out-work, out-pray or out-recite your nafs-based thinking is a losing battle, because your nafs is right there with you as you do those activities - trying to sabotage and distract you at every turn.

Question:  I've been practicing the presence techniques you teach, but I'm only able to stay in that state for a few seconds. Maybe for a minute if I try really hard. How can I stay present for longer? The so-called "techniques" I teach to become present are simply doorways or portals into a profoundly deep spiritual state.  There are two main reasons that explain why our minds are so noisy that it seems hard to stay in this beautiful state of "Thoughtless Awareness".

There are a lot of mindset techniques that you can learn that are designed to help you feel better when you're feeling bad. What they all have in common is that they involve changing your thinking when you feel bad. Obviously, a negative feeling comes directly from negative thinking, and if you change the way you think, you'll automatically change the way you feel.  

As someone who became obsessed with personal development in my late teens and early twenties, I came across a lot of techniques on how to clear up or change negative thinking and feeling. I learned about: neuro-linguistic programming neuro-associative conditioning Gestalt therapy family systems therapy Logo-therapy Cognitive behavioral therapy and many, many more modalities

One of the most powerful methods I've ever learnt (and now teach all of my coaching clients), which makes the biggest difference for everyone is… "The Inner Salam Method".  The Inner Salam Method is a way of channeling your presence and awareness into a negative feeling, no matter how intense it is, as it arises. Within a few minutes, the feeling has literally completely disappeared.

As soon as clients start getting good at becoming instantly present at will and at using the "Inner Salam Method", some variation of the following question almost always comes up: "I can't seem to stay present when [insert mean relative's name] is in the room and starts saying things like [insert mean comment]..." And that should come as no surprise. Now, the simplest solution to this is obviously logistical. If there's a mean person around, it's usually a good idea to be somewhere else and not interact with them at all.

Have you ever lashed out at someone when you're angry?  Or shouted at the kids or other people when you're really upset?  Here's a way you can deal with these situations more elegantly in future…  Let me start by saying not all emotional outbursts are "bad" or "wrong" or need to be eliminated. Sometimes the most heart-felt truths come out in moments of intense emotion.  Plus, there's nothing intrinsically wrong with any feeling.

There's a classic scene from one of the best movies of all time. In "The Terminator" (the original one), Kyle Reese, who was sent back in time to protect Sarah Connor, has a little dialogue with her where he's trying to explain the gravity of the threat and danger she's in.  Kyle Reese: "Listen, and understand! That Terminator is out there! It can't be bargained with. It can't be reasoned with. It doesn't feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And it absolutely will not stop... ever, until you are dead!" Sarah Connor: "Can you stop it?"

There are a few different ways you can define and compare the different types and levels of the Nafs. I prefer to keep things super simple and relatable. Here is how I break down the three levels of the nafs as inspired and defined by Quranic terminology.