Secrets

My Buddha, your form body appears to me exactly as this womb-born being needs it, four elements plus space and   consciousness, your appearance, smell, touch, taste completely satisfy. I am letting go of something so deep inside of my head, fixation of the eyes, fixation of the mind, there is a protector for this, it is you Black Tara, right eye pierced to subjugate demons, deciphering dakini codes, the Mother of non-dual union, single breast, single braid.  My sinuses are cloudy, or liquid. The light is too much. Dark pointed blame, slay the best. ride it up, let it drip down, the four types of joy. When I look into your face, it is like looking into space because you’re in a different dimension. The mind cannot hang on. I need your love, it is personal. when the Pranic breath is too much we add sound, which both eases and potentizes. Form body of the Buddha, Enjoyment body, Truth body. Mudra, mantra, mind. Send back the negativities! Bestow the common and uncommon siddhis! Totally satisfy me! Never be separate from me! 

There are two gongs, taller than me. I hit the one with a mallet the size of a small watermelon. It moves my body, it moves the space. If you hit the gong a second time as it is swinging back towards you, it sets up a resonance, a shimmer. Like ancient kung fu, the old emperor, resonance of the luminous ones. Frequencies,his frequencies, mine. Similar frequencies, complementary codes.My frequencies are noticed, my dance and Mudra, my song and mantra. The man with long white hair thanked me. He said he could follow my rhythm and it was helpful. Cultivation of energy, mine is refined, though my vitality is sometimes wanting. It is learning, remembering how to show itself, swirl and laugh and be an inferno. I am hopeful. Lift the crown and the root, drop the shoulders and diaphragm, and pump the bellows. I need you tree people, star nation,I need your encouragement and love, make it personal. I need your help to hold the space. Help me help the ones who don’t seem interested in any other humans but him, they want everyone else to just go away. Maybe he is not interested in me, or maybe too interested, too magnetized. Holy Holy Holy, God-Goddess of power and might, heaven and earth are filled with your glory, Hosanna in the highest. Blessed are we who come in your name, Hosanna in the highest

You can’t imagine what it’s like. The desolation across continents,  across galaxies, across eons, and then there he was. And he came in the deepest way, you know all his secrets and then he looked right through me. He looked right past me, as if I wasn’t even there. The shame and negation, I struggle and strain to not give into it. I know this is what I am here to free myself of, but it breaks me and of course it must. I do my part, I keep my focus. I move my body. I raise the serpents pranic breath, pump the belly, make the sounds. I need your help with all the rest, my angels and loved ones, sucking, pressing, soothing.My body is so fluid now, my tissues so open, it can’t help but all come pouring out.  A healing blanket wrapped around my small form until all sadness departed, the cloak of Christ 

I live in the pure land of Dewachen where everything is favorable for my practice. conflicted emotions are strong, prayers are passionate, dark laughing star people press close, my beloved medicine husband holds the staff firmly. The prayer rug is always open in my space, I live upon it.10 Sephiroth spheres of the tree of life, seven luminous fields, seven alchemical centers, five focal points, four pure lands, three Jewels When the throat and stomach tighten out of fear it is not the time to take a sip of your tea. fear of seeing them together at that place, fear of the negation from that image, of the grief, it is in my own mind and I free it there. When is it inner guidance that arises through self parts and when is it just dross clearing out?I take care when mind starts having a conversation with itself, two sides of polarized duality having it out with each other. The word, the Name, I make space for the Name in the inner temple of my heart. Hallowed be thy Name 

the explosive force for my awakening, for my Ascension, I experienced it with my lover. Can I bear it, let alone accomplish it, without him? Ferocity of the guru’s laughter.  I work with the energies, volcanic, galactic, I work with the demons of doubt, annihilating and oppressive.I release referencing to made-up images of other people together in their container, in their happiness, even if the images flash in my face at the store.  Suffering of comparative mind. Dead woman walking. The yogas do not lie, I practice with devotion, my salvation. I affirm my pleasure with the intimate other, deepening that groove, new pathways chiseled through stone. Awareness is nadi, the container, the channels,awareness is bindu, mind, the drop of nectar,and we cultivate prana, the Shakti, to power the alchemy. Physicality, the vow, and the magnetic attraction. The discipline and focus required to hold the components together can be considerable.I birth my heart’s hidden desires through weaving my dreams with the invisible webs of the creative forceI make myself a thing of Beauty and I offer, offer, offer my precious self. Ananda, Ananda, Sat Chit Ananda... 

Affirming the body’s natural capacity to change not self into self, to merge with the “other“ in the union so that it all becomes the whole. He is me and I am him. Psychotic break, which is just breakdown of the habitual compartmentalization of the psyche.Grant me what I need this day in bread and mercy.Fear of the explosive force of the masculine, fear of harm caused and potential for harm, grief and shame. We can raise the serpents with rhythmic respirations and melting release, gradual, ongoing, as the Shakti builds. The need for the vow, to prevent harm caused. Fears of invisible but powerful obstacles, of incapacity, of separation, thought forms of conditioning, negation and annihilation. I cultivate myself with affirmation, for myself, my lover and beloved. there is a pressure between the timeless me and the physical part of me in time, which creates an alchemical flow of magnetism, the potentiality of the elevation of consciousness. I focus my thoughts on the electrons of the desired physical outcome. Seals, closing the seal, opening the seal, cleansing seals to exorcise demons, seal it with a kiss, manifesting seal of Solomon, great Seal woman and consort . It is the Friday morning of a holiday weekend, the mind wonders, and there is grief and frustration.When the sun and moon are in balance the illumination occurs. We orbit around each other, Venus and earth, Figure 8 of balance, of Infinity, magnetic attraction, sealed with a kiss.Hochokan, hochokan, hochokan, coming, coming, coming... 

Kalachakra is a compassionate appearance of a wisdom consciousness, realizing the emptiness of inherent existence, whose nature is great bliss. oh my Creator, what is to become of me? I know not. Oh my God, I burn in the depths of my being and grieve in my heart. Am I not loved and protected by you, my God? How am I to walk upright in my dignity when there is so much suffering of mind and soul?  show me your face, my beloved. The demons of doubt, and the aching of my soul torment me, that it is so challenging to cultivate the ferocious intensity of the inner union, that I feel alone and unloved, friends scarce and family so far away, that the one I long for in form who walks the Earth has cut completely from me and invests his time and energy in another, that my offerings feel unwanted, ignored or torn down, though they are not! Rise up, oh my heart, be not cast down. The divine plan is laid out holographically,  decreed in the heavens. All is in readiness.  blue HUNG in my heart, red AH  at my throat, white OM in the expanse of the bliss swirl between my eyebrows. I touch, I bless,the water from a conch shell, exaltations of mind, speech and body dissolve therein. obstructions purified, predispositions accumulated from beginningless time relieved.  

Holy Mother beneath my feet, in my heart, I spread my fingers and toes upon your body, warm stone, we breathe, we blessHoly Father in the sky, grandfather sun and cloud people, my star families through the blue Stargate in my heart, we breathe, we bless, Holy Child that I am, birthed in my heart, innocent and pure, all my desires laid bare, we breathe, we bless,I know myself to be a cherished holy child of the Creator  with my life unfolding according to generous grace, I surrender all obstacles to my fulfillment now, I am blessed with joy and merciful compassion, so be ithow long does it take to touch a tree?standing figure 8 unites Medicine Wheels of Earth and Sky, all things in creation simply want to fulfill the purpose for which they are created... 

I remove the thorns, I remove the spear that I used to pierce the Christ on his way stumbling up the hill with the cross, the pointed beak of hatred that pierces the head, the face, the mind, the nails piercing the hands and feet. I confess, I atone, whatever it takes, I am the Master returning  many lifetimesto atone and it is done. The lovemaking is the atonement, the union, there is nothing else. The karma is not punishment. It is training ground. your sins are forgiven, the lama is pleased. do it in memory of me. Stigmata of the crucifixion, hands and feet,entry and exit points. the lotus of the mouth. the lotus of the yoni, the mouth of the sphincter, contact points of inside and outside, sense organs, we purify the elements with water, the aggregates with a crown upon the head, the activities with the name.  There is a brown leaf suspended in mid air. it is still a full month before the beginning of autumn but it is already busting out of the gate. Your heart is broken and my heart is broken, let’s sit together. this catch in my mind, do it with me, but he does it with her.Little birdie, bobble head, there’s a feather sticking out above your beak. Take care, beloved, stay close, it is dark in the valley of death, our shared breath the vow, but suddenly you are gone and I am gone, faces, reflections, no longer existing as separate, the two become One... 

There are new names of God ,  new seals manifesting, the seals of the Star Orchid Dakini, new sounds, new songs, never before heard, do not doubt, but the demons doubt and they want to destroy from their agony. Homage to the body of the unborn primordial wisdom Dakini . I shed my outer power to travel down into the underworld illuminated by my heart’s desire, the fire of my inner passion, hand-in-hand and face-to-face with my beloved, we make the vow.I am a Magdalene initiate, my lover is near, we look, we show,revealing emotion, open me with your touch, my magnetic floor, activation of the power, the sexual alchemies, beyond compareThe nature of consciousness is bliss, great seal woman and consort. The safety that I need to be able to drop into practice can only be found through practice. I did not particularly enjoy being out in the pre-Dawn cold and dark on the Tor of Avalon at the winter solstice waiting for the sun to rise. Dead woman walking. The erotic nature of a man’s nipples, he takes his shirt off so readily, even in public. Without birth is the body of the dakini. Without ceasing is the speech of the dakini. Without delusion is the mind of the dakini...