271. Dating Burnout and the Patterns Behind It ft. Jordanne Sculler

Jordanne Sculler, licensed therapist, joins Ali to talk about dating burnout from the inside out. Rather than pointing to apps or circumstances as the culprit, Jordanne breaks down the internal patterns that are really driving exhaustion in dating, including the productivity trap of treating dating like a to-do list, people-pleasing and self-abandonment, and what it actually looks like to break a cycle that isn't working. The conversation gets practical with Jordanne's "do something different" framework, and Ali shares her own experience recognizing these patterns in both dating and long-term relationships.In Updates, Ali shares a scam alert after coming dangerously close to being scammed in a two-part scheme. She also recaps a big week of consulting wins, a full-circle alumni event at her school's centennial celebration, and a return to the bar where she met Skyline two years ago.This week's Media Mention is @blussomly on TikTok and Instagram. Her name is Luise, she has a master's in psychology, and her content is built around teaching the psychology behind stoicism in an accessible, applicable way. Her series "stoicism but make it cute" is worth a full deep dive, and the video Ali references, about the gap between expectation and reality and the difference between something being different versus wrong, is pinned to her Instagram.Where to find Jordanne: On Instagram @jordannesculler and at www.jordannescullerlmhc.com.Timestamps: Jordanne joins us at around minute 20.Ask questions, make a Storytime submission, or give feedback here: https://tinyurl.com/fmhpodqsIf you'd like to hear Ali’s personal updates before everyone else as well as exclusive episodes every week, ad-free listening, monthly lives, and more…join FMH on Patreon: www.patreon.com/findingmrheight .Thanks to this week’s partners:Bilt Rewards: Take advantage of your Neighborhood Benefits™ by going to joinbilt.com/fmhAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Marriage coach Monica Tanner joins Ali to challenge the unwritten rulebook most of us absorbed about relationships without ever questioning it. Monica, the author of Bad Marriage Advice, breaks down why a lot of the advice well-meaning people pass down is not just unhelpful but actively working against us. The conversation covers why "never go to bed angry" is a recipe for sleep deprivation, what it actually means to teach your partner how to treat you, and why compromise is not always the goal. Ali also shares her own examples from her relationship with Skyline.In Updates, Ali reflects on her ongoing curly hair journey and an unexpected emotional realization it triggered, shares a story about a college situationship she had completely forgotten about, and celebrates two years with Skyline, including a special anniversary dinner.This week's Media Mention is "4 Styles of Cleaners" by Amanda Dodson (@nestingyourlife on TikTok), a framework for understanding where you and your partner fall on the tidy/cluttered and sanitized/natural spectrums, and why it matters more than you think for cohabitation.Where to find Monica: On Instagram @monitalksmarriage and at www.monicatanner.com.Grab Monica's book "Bad Marriage Advice: ​Debunking Myths That Will Make You Miserable and What To Do Instead" here: https://www.badmarriageadvice.com/get-the-bookTimestamps: Monica joins us at around minute 29.Ask questions, make a Storytime submission, or give feedback here: https://tinyurl.com/fmhpodqsIf you'd like to hear Ali’s personal updates before everyone else, as well as exclusive episodes every week, ad-free listening, monthly lives, and more, join FMH on Patreon: www.patreon.com/findingmrheight.Thanks to this week’s partners:Bilt Rewards: Take advantage of your Neighborhood Benefits™ by going to joinbilt.com/fmhAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Amy Chan returns to the pod for an in-person recording with Ali, a conversation spurned from her own deep attachment work. The two chat about Amy’s new book Unsingle, where she leverages her personal experiences to help you identify your recurring patterns in relationships. The two get into why you keep choosing the same person in a different body (and how to actually change that), the mechanics of dating from first swipe to long-term commitment, and what healthy interdependence looks like.In Updates, Ali shares a packed couple of weeks including a Broadway show, an intentionally unplanned weekend with Skyline, and a healing curly hair journey that’s going swimmingly.This week's Media Mention is: "Portfolio Careers Are Meant for Generalists" from On Work by Shaina Anderson (Substack), shared by past guest Miriam Tinney on Instagram.Where to find Amy: On Instagram @missamychan, on TikTok @missamychan, at www.missamychan.com.Pre-Order Amy's book "Unsingle How to Date Smarter and Create Love That Lasts" Here: https://missamychan.com/unsingle/Timestamps: Amy joins us at around minute 24.Ask questions, make a Storytime submission, or give feedback here: https://tinyurl.com/fmhpodqsIf you'd like to hear Ali’s personal updates before everyone else as well as exclusive episodes every week, ad-free listening, monthly lives, and more…join FMH on Patreon: www.patreon.com/findingmrheight .Thanks to this week’s partners:Bilt Rewards: Take advantage of your Neighborhood Benefits™ by going to joinbilt.com/fmhAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

This week, Ali sits down with Julia, a listener who shares her experience discovering that vaginal sex just doesn't work for her body. She walks through how that shaped her early dating experiences, including a two-and-a-half year situationship, and what it was like to tell her current partner. They get into why penetration isn't the gold standard of sex, how societal expectations create feelings of unworthiness, and what it looks like to build a full and satisfying sex life on your own terms.In Updates, Ali shares about her birthday week, including her first dry curly cut, a birthday party, and her mom being in town for all of it.This week's Media Mention is allll about the Summer House drama that’s unfolded over the last week, and specifically the racial dimension of the situation and what it reflects about the experience of dating as a Black woman.Vote on our 2027 FMH Travel destinations at https://tinyurl.com/fmh2027tripsAsk questions, make a Storytime submission, or give feedback here: https://tinyurl.com/fmhpodqsIf you'd like to hear Ali’s personal updates before everyone else as well as exclusive episodes every week, ad-free listening, monthly lives, and more…join FMH on Patreon: www.patreon.com/findingmrheight .Thanks to this week’s partners:Armoire: Check out Armoire: https://armoire.style/FMHBilt Rewards: Take advantage of your Neighborhood Benefits™ by going to joinbilt.com/fmhAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Relationship coach and author Meg Tuohey joins Ali to introduce her concept of the HeartPrint, the idea that each of us is as unique as our fingerprints in how we move through the world and relate to others. Meg breaks down why frameworks like attachment styles and love languages, while helpful, can only take us so far, and how real self-knowledge requires a deeper, more individualized kind of attunement. The conversation covers why we're drawn to familiar patterns in dating even when they don't serve us, what it actually looks like to move from awareness to change, and how the walls we've built to protect ourselves can be honored without letting them define our future.In Updates, Ali reflects on a birthday week that started with grief and ended with omakase, and shares what she's been sitting with as she turns 39.This week's Media Mention is The Love Drive podcast, hosted by friend of the pod Shaun Galanos, specifically his March 17th solo episode, "When Shit Hits the Fan." Trigger warning: Ali shares a personal experience with sexual assault at 49:00 - 55:00.Where to find Meg: On Instagram @megtuoheyofficial, on TikTok @megtuoheyofficial, at www.megantuohey.com and on her podcast Wisdom Stripes. Grab Meg's book "HeartPrint: Unlock the Wisdom of You Here: https://megantuohey.com/megan-book-heart-print/Timestamps: Meg joins us at around minute 14.Ask questions, make a Storytime submission, or give feedback here: https://tinyurl.com/fmhpodqsIf you'd like to hear Ali’s personal updates before everyone else as well as exclusive episodes every week, ad-free listening, monthly lives, and more…join FMH on Patreon: www.patreon.com/findingmrheight .Thanks to this week’s partners:Armoire: Check out Armoire: https://armoire.style/FMHBilt Rewards: Take advantage of your Neighborhood Benefits™ by going to joinbilt.com/fmhAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Returning guest and Ali’s good friend Darcy is back on the pod, and they’re diving straight into the New York Times' crowdsourced list of 35 dating rules. Some of them? Genuinely solid. Some of them? Completely unhinged. And several of them directly contradict each other, which is so indicative of modern dating. Topics include how people treat servers, outsourcing your nervous system to a partner, paying on dates, the pacing of physical intimacy, whether you actually need to like someone's friends, and a $75 first-date filet mignon story.Ask questions, make a Storytime submission, or give feedback here: https://tinyurl.com/fmhpodqsIf you'd like to hear Ali’s personal updates before everyone else as well as exclusive episodes every week, ad-free listening, monthly lives, and more…join FMH on Patreon: www.patreon.com/findingmrheight .Thanks to this week’s partners:Armoire: Check out Armoire: https://armoire.style/FMHBilt Rewards: Take advantage of your Neighborhood Benefits™ by going to joinbilt.com/fmhAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Ali sits down with Ilana Dunn, host of Seeing Other People, for a conversation about the dating advice they both either ignored in the past or wish they’d taken sooner. They dig into the patterns that kept them stuck longer than necessary: from ignoring gut feelings and making excuses for bad behavior, to chasing potential over reality and performing chill they never actually felt. Listener submissions are woven throughout, and the conversation gets personal fast: secret relationships, toxic situationships, unreliable narrators, and the moment things finally felt different with the right person.In Updates, Ali reflects on a last-minute girls trip to Miami and shares a media mention - "The Friend Group Fallacy" from The Atlantic - written for anyone who has ever felt left out for not having a tight-knit crew of adult friends.Article linked hereWhere to find Ilana: On Instagram @seeingotherpeople, on TikTok @ilana.dunn, and on her podcast Seeing Other People. Timestamps: Ilana joins us at around minute 24.Ask questions, make a Storytime submission, or give feedback here: https://tinyurl.com/fmhpodqsIf you'd like to hear Ali’s personal updates before everyone else as well as exclusive episodes every week, ad-free listening, monthly lives, and more…join FMH on Patreon: www.patreon.com/findingmrheight .Thanks to this week’s partners:Armoire: Check out Armoire: https://armoire.style/FMHBilt Rewards: Take advantage of your Neighborhood Benefits™ by going to joinbilt.com/fmhAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

We’ve got some amazing listener questions this week, and the thread running through all of them is a concept introduced in this week's Media Mention: high involvement, low attachment, inspired by a TikTok from @mother.of.a.dilemma. From there, she answers three listener questions: one from a man who freezes before sending a first message, one from a woman who only swipes right when she already knows what to say, and one from a listener who is spiraling after learning a recent date is now dating someone who looks like his ex. Ali also tackles a question from a listener in therapy who can see her people-pleasing patterns clearly but can't stop them in the moment yet.In Updates, Ali recaps the FMH five-year anniversary party (including some unexpected social anxiety), a secret date night at Chateau Royale and underground jazz club Smalls, and a truly small-world moment at a couples happy hour.Media Mention: https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZP8QcdfWg/Ask questions, make a Storytime submission, or give feedback here: https://tinyurl.com/fmhpodqsIf you'd like to hear Ali’s personal updates before everyone else as well as exclusive episodes every week, ad-free listening, monthly lives, and more…join FMH on Patreon: www.patreon.com/findingmrheight .Thanks to this week’s partners:Armoire: Check out Armoire: https://armoire.style/FMHBilt Rewards: Take advantage of your Neighborhood Benefits™ by going to joinbilt.com/fmhAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

TW: This episode includes discussion of grief, loss, and suicide. If you or someone you know is struggling, please reach out. You can call or text 988 to connect with the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline — they're available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, and it's free and confidential.This week, Ali is joined by a listener who opens up about grieving the loss of a partner and navigating life (and dating) while healing from deep trauma. She shares what helped her through the hardest years, how healing unfolded in non-linear ways, and what it’s been like to build a full life on the other side of grief. They explore what it really means to seek connection while carrying grief, the tension between moving forward and honoring loss, and how dating can feel especially complicated after partner loss.Ask questions, make a Storytime submission, or give feedback here: https://tinyurl.com/fmhpodqsIf you'd like to hear Ali’s personal updates before everyone else as well as exclusive episodes every week, ad-free listening, monthly lives, and more…join FMH on Patreon: www.patreon.com/findingmrheight .Thanks to this week’s partners:Armoire: Check out Armoire: https://armoire.style/FMHBilt Rewards: Take advantage of your Neighborhood Benefits™ by going to joinbilt.com/fmhHomeaglow: Head to https://homeaglow.com/mrheight to get your first 3 hours of cleaning for only $19. Thanks so much to Homeaglow for sponsoring this episode!Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Matchmaker Jackie Dorman joins Ali to break down the latest season of Love Is Blind through the lens of someone who has helped over 1,600 people get engaged or married. They dig into why the pod format rewards anxious attachment, what emotional over-functioning really looks like on screen, and how to tell the difference between genuine chemistry and chaos. Plus, couple-by-couple predictions on who actually makes it to the altar!In Updates, Ali had some very exciting shopping adventures with Skyline plus a fun triple date. And, we hear from Katy & Tony for one last Dating Diaries update with some serendipitous timing.This week’s Media Mention (aside from Love is Blind!) is a Youtube video on Patriarchal Bargaining by the Gender Equality Network, found here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C82QxH4hWwM&t=19sWhere to find Jackie: On Instagram @jackiedormanofficial, on TikTok @jackiedormanofficial, at www.jackiedorman.com.Pre-Order Jackie's book "Modern Dating Sucks: A Matchmaker's Guide to Finding Love in a Swipe-Left World" here: https://jackiedorman.com/mdsbookTimestamps: Jackie joins us at around minute 27.Ask questions, make a Storytime submission, or give feedback here: https://tinyurl.com/fmhpodqsIf you'd like to hear Ali’s personal updates before everyone else as well as exclusive episodes every week, ad-free listening, monthly lives, and more…join FMH on Patreon: www.patreon.com/findingmrheight .Thanks to this week’s partners:Armoire: Check out Armoire: https://armoire.style/FMHBilt Rewards: Take advantage of your Neighborhood Benefits™ by going to joinbilt.com/fmhHomeaglow: Head to https://homeaglow.com/mrheight to get your first 3 hours of cleaning for only $19. Thanks so much to Homeaglow for sponsoring this episode!Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy