#498 - Chilli Rice, Grieving Upside Down and Thames!

Put the wrapping paper down, turn off Home Alone and stop stressing about a glorified Sunday roast… the true meaning of Christmas has finally been revealed to us, and would you believe it, it’s Elis and John! Yes, everything in this festive period has been leading up to Elis and John’s Christmas Cracker, and boy does it deliver on festive cheer. Because what’s more Christmassy than a debate about TVs in hotel rooms, or a 45-year-old man getting lost in pictures of the 1950s footballer Tom Finney, (aka The Preston Plumber)?Unwrapping this podcast with your ears will also reveal a not-so-secret secret Santa, some yuletide Mad Daddery, and a chat with a very busy Mother Christmas. But festive cheer is not the only thing on today’s agenda because we’re also celebrating 500 episodes of the BBC era! Elis and John relive some moments from their very first show and the ghosts of Christmas Past Simon Mayo and Mark Kermode stop by to play a Made Up Game and chat Christmas flicks. Thanks for all your tip-top correspondence this year, and may 2026 bring even better emails and WhatsApps about oils, guffs and inappropriate school trips. Send everything into [email protected] or WhatsApp 07974 293 022.

John's eaten two helpings of pancakes and we’re in a race against time. Can this bantercast cram in enough badinage before one of its hosts succumbs to a sugar crash? It’s a question that’s been asked many times before, and one that will no doubt be asked again, but it’s a critical question nonetheless.Elis has spent the week telling his wife Isy that he ‘must be alone’ in order to finish John’s book. He successfully wrangled enough solo time to do so and delivers his verdict. It’s praise all round, but Dave appears to come out of it badly.Elsewhere it’s peak Christmas. Listener gifts are opened, Elis is dreading his drive to Cardiff, and John doesn’t want to talk about his Christmas lest the show turn into another mental health podcast.And we end on the question: how do you inject digital oil into a podcast to make it rise to the top? Answers on a postcard.All Elis and John want for Christmas is your correspondence, so send it to: [email protected], or WhatsApp the show on 07974 293 022.

You might detect a slight difference in Elis’s demeanour this week; a bolstered confidence, an increased self-worth, a man with a purpose. Elis has tasted power, and he ain’t looking back. This is the new Elis, Elis 2.0, Elis ‘You’ll Do What I Say’ James. Because Elis has looked after 4 children on a school trip to The Monument. This feels significant.Meanwhile John thinks we’re molly-coddling the next generation and has gone rogue. He’s chucking things into the Thames left, right and centre. Step on the wrong side of Robins in this mood and you’ll be swimming with the London fishes before you know it. Oh, and he's suffered the consequences of chilli rice…There’s also a Cymru Connection which leaves Elis with mixed feelings, a festive Made Up Game classic, and some advice for young would-be stand up comedians.Send in your festive missives, Shames, and Mad Dads to [email protected] or WhatsApp the show on 07974 293 022.

Today we ask the question: what would a world without Dave look like? A Daveless world. Imagine a sliding doors moment where a sterner producer was given the reins in 2014. Fast forward to late 2025 and in the studio, almost certainly, Elis would still be eating or have forgotten to come in. John would have vape hot boxed himself into a coma. Do not underestimate his impact.No Dave and no wise words of “Be careful Elis” after one presenter has deployed a “Is that it?!” to John’s detailing his once every six months busy day.Around such questioning, John also unveils Craig Bellamy’s autobiography (inc. typos) and a senior writer at Rolling Stone gets in touch. Elsewhere, there’s news of more Noel Edmonds hysteria, quite significant gunge chat and a dead silly mad dad. Oh what are those dads like!Points of contact: [email protected] (Electronic mail) 07974 293 022 (WhatsApp)

What does an already packed show need to make it feel complete? That’s right, it’s an 8 minute intro (or just under a 5th of an Edinburgh show...) and an 8 minute Noel Edmonds apologia. This show is nothing if not disciplined.Once we’re all intro’ed and up-to-date on the elements of Edmonds, it’s content content content. John does some winning and losing, Elis does some Cymru Connecting, and everyone plays a great Made Up Game that has John declaring God is real.Send in your knick-knacks to [email protected] or WhatsApp the show on 07974 293 022.

Oil rises to the top of the content liquid again, primarily because of its lower density. It’s hard to remove as we know, so there’s a slick across the episode clogging our feathers.So what are your oils? More importantly, what are Adrian’s oils? And will John insist on going through all the smoke points of all the oils? Questions that are all answered within.Plus, Elis has got deep into a karaoke hell cubicle, Producer Dave’s left his bags at a sex shop and John once again stays in touch with the cultural zeitgeist.“Unless they set cryptic crosswords for The Times, are in Geese or are Brian Eno I don’t know who they are.”The Bureau is of course available on Saturday only on the universe-leading BBC Sounds.Got something of note? Then [email protected] and 07974 293 022 on WhatsApp are your primary nodes of correspondence.

With something being filmed just outside the studio we’re lucky Elis and John made it in for today’s episode. John was very nearly accosted to fill the leading role, and Elis was just about able to peel his eyes away from potential live blunders. Thank goodness for the boys’ dedication to #content.Away from the glitz and glamour of a film set, Elis and Dave have both been battling with bed bugs, one with a more incendiary technique than the other...The Cymru Connections is back, a great Made Up Game is played, and there’s even some live crosswording.Send in your thoughts, feelings and reflections to [email protected], or WhatsApp the show on 07974 293 022.

John has had enough of apologies. He wants action and results. Combine that with John being notified about every business expense, and you get a very scared Elis and Dave.But sometimes it’s fear that instils results - or more importantly top quality content. This is how Sir Alex would want it.Meanwhile the more be-thighed of the two has had enough of clouds. He doesn’t ever want to look down at them again - something which would undoubtedly baffle the forward thinking Victorians.And what oils have you got? Let us know via [email protected] and 07974 293 044 on WhatsApp.

As John returns from yet another triumphant, nay groundbreaking eye-climbing tour of the Alps, there are a few questions on everybody’s lips: What records did he break this time? Was he able to stick to the confusing speed limits of Swiss roads? And more importantly, what would the future of the BBC look like under the tutelage of the great eye-climber himself, Johnny JR? Wins are totted up, losses are struck off, and a new future for the BBC is hammered out. Watch out prime-time TV, Wordle is coming for you. A major player in the new BBC will be Ania Magliano, who stops by to get pelters about her boggle gameplay. In the vein of all good guests she comes bearing gifts; a cracking Made Up Game that gets the boys’ brains and feet working. Send in your suggestions for a BBC backed by its youngest broadcaster John Robins to [email protected], or WhatsApp 07974 293 022.

It’s a big big week. No phoning it in this time. No no, as this is the most politically significant balanced podcast in the UK.Finally, the call of the nation has been answered. John Robins has been in the corridors of power. If you notice general efficiency being raised by 0.12% in UK PLC this week then you have one man to thank - external factors notwithstanding.He brought up the economy. He brought up the welfare state. He brought up international affairs. And Elis was there. And John did all of this whilst having a prawn tempura in his pocket.It’s a visit to the PM one minute, the next it’s the most expensive Chinese John has ever had surrounded by horrible people. The duality of life.And yet somehow despite all these matters of import we get to Geese chat within the first 2 minutes.Want to join John’s cabinet? [email protected] and 07974 293 022 on WhatsApp are where you can send your applications.