Ep. 408: [Soapbox] When Lower Desire is a Mask

Sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman interviews Barbara Carrellas, author of The Book of Ecstasy, about ecstasy as a transformative state that goes beyond pleasure, sex, and orgasm into connection, awe, and ego-dissolution. Carrellas describes how her work was shaped during the AIDS crisis in 1980s New York, where grief and catharsis often fueled joy, and explains ecstasy as a reset button that can be personally, spiritually, socially, and politically important. They discuss how ecstasy can arise through many experiences (including dancing, food, protest, nature, birth, and death), how intensity can help by balancing safety and risk, and how skills like breath, grounding, and intention support ecstatic states. Carrellas offers beginner practices—listing nonsexual turn-ons, meditating on “something more,” and embracing one’s inner teenager—and shares resources on her website.00:00 Welcome to Better Sex00:48 Meet Barbara Carrellas01:34 AIDS Crisis Origins03:51 Tragedy and Ecstasy05:21 Awe and Ego Dissolution06:46 Defining Ecstasy08:41 Everyday Ecstatic Life11:48 Joy as Resistance14:21 Ecstasy as Spiritual Practice15:33 Connection Me We Us18:03 Host Resources Break18:41 Ecstasy Not A Contest19:52 Speaking The Same Language21:43 Kink Safety And Risk24:14 Breath Energy Orgasms25:34 Beyond Sex And Politics27:50 Psychedelics And Everyday Ecstasy29:12 Solo Practice With A Partner33:08 Beginner Steps To Ecstasy35:45 Books Resources And FarewellWant to work with Jessa? https://www.intimacywithease.comBio:Barbara Carrellas (she/her) is the bestselling author of Urban Tantra: Sacred Sex for the Twenty-first Century and the upcoming Book of Ecstasy, from St. Martin’s Essentials. Barbara is the founder of Urban Tantra®, an international community, a philosophy, and an inclusive conscious sexuality practice that encourages people of all genders and sexual preferences to expand their capacity for both pleasure and spiritual fulfillment. Barbara was named Best Tantric Sex Seminar Leader in New York City by Time Out/NY Magazine, and was presented with a Lifetime Achievement Award at the Sexual Freedom Awards in London. Barbara is a proud graduate of the Coney Island Sideshow School with a double major in fire eating and snake handling.Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com/iwecourseThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclassIntimacy with Ease is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit jessazimmerman.substack.com/subscribe

Jessa argues that each person is responsible for their own sexual pleasure by learning what feels good, what turns them on, and then clearly sharing that information with a partner. She emphasizes that partners aren’t mind readers and don’t have the same instant feedback loop as masturbation, so words, demonstrations, and usable vocabulary are crucial for guiding touch. Sharing preferences should be framed as a gift of information rather than criticism, since most partners want to please and be good lovers. Jessa notes that there is no fixed “recipe” because desire and sensation change over time and even from day to day—“Tuesday is different than Thursday”—making it important to keep speaking up and offering real-time guidance.00:00 Tuesday vs Thursday00:05 Own Your Pleasure01:06 Feedback Not Criticism01:46 Find the Words02:25 Show and Tell Touch02:42 No Fixed Recipe03:03 Speak Up in the MomentWant to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com/iwecourseThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclassIntimacy with Ease is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit jessazimmerman.substack.com/subscribe

Sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman talks with Dr. Julie Merriman about her book, Are We Gonna Have Sex or What?, focused on helping women over 50 reclaim pleasure and desire. Merriman explains that decreased libido is often less about menopause alone and more about decades of high-functioning “survival mode” that dysregulates the nervous system, tightens the body, and takes pleasure offline; hormone support can help but may not be sufficient without addressing stress, numbness, and disconnection from the body. They discuss midlife as a “homecoming” with clearer boundaries, the effects of long-term relationships, obligatory sex, and lack of sexual communication, and the importance of safety, validation, and active listening. Practical approaches include restoring novelty in and out of the bedroom, taking intercourse off the table temporarily, pleasure mapping, addressing body shame, and managing menopausal changes like dryness with movement and vaginal products. 00:00 Welcome to Better Sex01:01 Meet Julie Merriman02:51 Why Midlife Changes Hit03:24 Survival Mode Nervous System05:31 Hormones and Zero Fucks07:40 Desire vs Access to Desire09:40 Functional Freeze and Pleasure11:41 Long Term Sex Ruts13:00 Talking About Sex Again14:34 Responsive Desire Explained15:33 Safety in the Body17:13 Desire Discrepancy Resources17:39 Communication First19:39 Novelty as Adventure20:47 No Pressure Sex21:13 Pleasure Mapping Reset21:53 Aging Body Conversations23:06 Body Acceptance Practices24:56 Gratitude and Tantra26:47 Menopause Comfort Tools29:26 Book and Where to Find30:44 Final Wrap UpJessa's Desire Discrepancy resources are at: https://www.desirediscrepancy.comBio: Dr. Julie Merriman is a licensed mental health clinician, counselor educator, burnout researcher, author and speaker. As the founder of the Soul Joy™ brand, she serves as a premier authority for women over 50 navigating the intersection of professional burnout and personal intimacy. With over 30 years of clinical experience and academic leadership—including tenures as a professor, department head, and associate dean—Dr. Merriman has dedicated her career to the science of human helping. Her work is deeply rooted in polyvagal theory and somatic neurobiology, providing a bridge between academic rigor and soul-led transformation. Her personal journey through profound burnout and a subsequent breast cancer diagnosis informs her "scorched earth" approach to healing—proving that rebirth is possible at any age. She is the author of the 12-week guide, In Pursuit of Soul Joy, and the forthcoming book, Are We Gonna Have Sex or What? (April 13, 2026)https://www.juliemerrimanphd.com/Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com/iwecourseThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclassIntimacy with Ease is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit jessazimmerman.substack.com/subscribe

In this Soapbox episode, sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman explores how the common higher-desire/lower-desire framework is helpful but doesn’t always accurately describe what’s happening in a relationship. She outlines two main ways desire can be “masked”: a higher-desire partner may detach from wanting sex after repeated disappointment, becoming resigned and avoiding sex because it’s less painful than hoping; or someone may have desire but avoid sex with their partner due to unresolved relationship issues like conflict, power struggles, resentment, or unspoken complaints. Jessa shares an example where years without sex changed once a partner’s underlying unhappiness was addressed and the relationship “container” improved. She emphasizes using the sexual avoidance cycle to identify obstacles—relationship problems, stress, medical or mental health factors—before assuming low libido.00:00 Show Intro00:45 Soapbox Setup00:56 When Desire Roles Blur02:07 Giving Up on Sex03:20 Relationship Barriers03:56 Client Breakthrough Story04:46 Sexual Avoidance Cycle05:47 Outro and CreditsWant to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com/iwecourseThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclassIntimacy with Ease is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit jessazimmerman.substack.com/subscribe

Sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman interviews functional medicine clinician and neurofeedback specialist Dr. Stephanie Rimka about emotional regulation as a biological process involving safety, the vagus nerve, brainwaves, hormones, and co-regulation through relationships. Rimka describes how chronic sympathetic activation undermines metabolic health, longevity, and mitochondrial function, framing trauma as an energy collapse that can lead to anxiety, depression, or dissociation and arguing that biological support can make therapy more effective. She discusses environmental inputs (nature, light, sound, EMF) that affect regulation and mitochondrial health, and connects these ideas to sex by defining “aliveness” as orgasm, emphasizing women’s pleasure as a potent healer that requires safety and embodiment. She contrasts solo versus partnered pleasure via bonding chemistry and shares a case using daily non-performative receiving of pleasure to support a patient’s cancer recovery and marriage, and provides resources at yoursoulbeautiful.com and drrimka.com.00:00 Welcome to Better Sex00:45 Meet Dr Stephanie Rimka01:32 Her Path Into Healing03:17 Stress Mothers and Intimacy05:34 What Emotional Regulation Means08:34 Safety Before Regulation10:42 Co Regulation and Botox12:56 Why Parasympathetic Matters17:04 Vagus Nerve Basics19:17 When Regulation Becomes Avoidance20:24 Sympathetic Overdrive Costs22:06 Mitochondria and Trauma26:32 Light EMF and Lifestyle28:56 Defining Trauma States29:36 Westernization and Mental Health30:05 Anxiety Trough Explained31:06 Panic and Mitochondria32:34 Freeze Response and Depression35:11 Dissociation and Healing Path35:46 Therapy Needs Energy First38:19 Sex as Embodiment Tool39:01 Aliveness and Orgasm Scale41:30 Pleasure Chemistry and Safety44:46 Partnered Sex and Bonding46:25 Prescribing Pleasure for Recovery51:42 Resources and Closing ThanksJessa's quizzes are available at https://www.desirediscrepancy.comBio:Dr. Stephanie Rimka is a clinician, author, and expert in nervous system regulation, trauma healing, hormonal health, and mitochondrial function. With over 25 years of experience, she has helped individuals recover from burnout, chronic stress, and emotional overwhelm through science-backed approaches. Dr. Rimka teaches how to rebuild mental resilience and emotional clarity, emphasizing the importance of the mind-body connection in achieving long-term health, vitality, and success.www.yoursoulbeautiful.comwww.drrimka.comWant to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com/iwecourseThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comIntimacy with Ease is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.Access the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit jessazimmerman.substack.com/subscribe

Sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman welcomes Anthony Silard back to discuss research-based, average gender differences in relationships, community-building, and loneliness. Silard explains how women tend to have more robust “social convoys” than men, contributing to outcomes like higher male mortality after a spouse’s death, and describes stress responses such as “tend and befriend.” He outlines severe psychological and physical impacts of loneliness, cites rising loneliness rates across countries, and links male loneliness to shifting roles, work focus, and the “four PRs” (procreate, produce, provide, protect). Silard presents three unmet needs that drive loneliness—belonging, connection, and contribution—and offers practical reconnection strategies, including talking to strangers and the “one question rule” focused on feelings, plus compassionate communication to identify unmet needs in relationships.00:00 Show Intro00:44 Episode Setup01:33 Gender Research Caveats03:07 Widowhood and Social Convoys06:15 Mens Group vs Womens Network08:11 Tend and Befriend Stress Response10:50 Loneliness Harms and Health Costs14:46 Loneliness Crisis Worldwide17:34 Mens Roles and Four PRs19:44 Parenthood and the Work Gap23:09 Why Men Get Isolated25:13 Three Needs Behind Loneliness26:19 Belonging vs Connection Examples29:49 Contribution and Workplace Loneliness31:08 Sponsor Break and Relationship Pivot32:10 Lonely In Marriage32:37 Four PRs Mindset34:46 Screens And Male Isolation36:23 Midlife Identity Shifts37:08 Talk To Strangers38:47 Empathy Gap Hack42:54 Belong Connect Contribute44:24 One Question Rule48:43 Feeling On Your Feet57:24 Needs Based Communication01:00:05 Books And Resources01:02:16 Podcast Wrap UpWork with Jessa: https://www.intimacywithease.comBio:Anthony Silard, Ph.D is a professor of leadership and the Director of the Center for Sustainable Leadership at Luiss Business School in Rome. Anthony has provided leadership development coaching and training to thousands of CEOs and senior executives of Fortune 100 companies, small businesses, and the world’s largest nonprofits, including GE, Disney, Nokia, Bank of America, IBM, CARE, Save the Children, and the American Red Cross. Anthony has also coached political leaders, including G-20 cabinet ministers. He has taught leadership at various universities around the world, including IESE Business School, Claremont McKenna College, the Monterrey Institute of Technology, INCAE Business School, California State University San Bernardino and the International University of Catalonia and has lectured on leadership at Harvard, Stanford, Georgetown, the University of California at Berkeley, George Washington University, Cal Poly Pomona, and ESADE Business School. Anthony has received numerous awards for his work, including Harvard’s Robert F. Kennedy Public Service Award, was named Visionary of the Year by the PBS series The Visionaries, and was featured at the Presidential Summit for America’s Future and America’s Promise. Anthony holds a PhD in leader- ship from IESE Business School, which he received with First-Class/Excellent Distinction, a Master’s in Public Policy focused on leadership from Harvard University, and a BA from the University of California at Berkeley. He also served in the Peace Corps in Kenya for two years. Anthony is CEO of the Global Leadership Institute and President of the Center for Social Leadership. He lives with his wife and two children in Rome.theartoflivingfree.org/freehappinessandfriendshipbooksWant to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com/iwecourseThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclassIntimacy with Ease is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit jessazimmerman.substack.com/subscribe

Sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman interviews Johns Hopkins urologic surgeon and researcher Dr. Arthur Burnett about erectile dysfunction from a holistic biopsychosocial perspective. Burnett explains how erections work as a vascular function regulated by the nervous system, and how physical factors like hypertension, atherosclerosis, diabetes, cardiovascular disease, and nerve or hormone issues can interfere. They discuss how stress and performance anxiety can biologically affect erections via adrenaline, and how oral medications like Viagra and Cialis work by reducing a “brake” in the erection pathway, though effectiveness can change as overall health changes. Burnett emphasizes thorough assessment beyond quick prescriptions, including counseling when appropriate, and reviews a treatment ladder from lifestyle changes to oral meds, vacuum devices, penile injections, and penile implants, noting implants typically preserve sensation and can reduce anxiety when expectations are realistic.00:00 Show Introduction00:43 Meet Dr Arthur Burnett01:43 Why Study Erectile Dysfunction03:30 How Erections Work05:43 Physical Causes of ED06:56 Nerves Orgasm and Erection08:03 Holistic Assessment Approach10:56 Stress Anxiety and Viagra13:07 Mid Episode Substack Break13:47 When Therapy Helps15:12 Lifestyle Changes That Improve ED17:42 When to Use Medical Treatments18:55 When Pills Stop Working20:08 Second Line Treatment Options22:44 Considering Penile Implants24:09 Implant Sensation and Expectations26:52 Choosing the Right Urologist28:54 Where to Find Dr Burnett30:14 Closing and CreditsVisit Jessa's substack: https://www.intimacywithease.com/substackBio:Arthur L. “Bud” Burnett II, MD, MBA, FACS, is a globally recognized Johns Hopkins urologist, researcher, Viagra Pioneer and educator whose pioneering work in men’s health and erectile function has transformed care worldwide.Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com/iwecourseThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclassIntimacy with Ease is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit jessazimmerman.substack.com/subscribe

In a soapbox episode, sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman clarifies a common misconception that hormone replacement therapy (HRT) is mainly meant to increase libido. Drawing from two recent conversations—one with a post-menopausal client experiencing painful sex and resisting HRT as a “fix,” and another with a man wondering why his wife’s HRT didn’t dramatically raise desire—she explains that libido changes can happen but are more like an added bonus. Zimmerman emphasizes HRT’s broader purposes, including relief of menopause symptoms (hot flashes, night sweats, sleep issues), easing vaginal dryness/atrophy and pain, helping prevent UTIs via vaginal estrogen, improving brain fog and mood, and supporting longer-term health such as bone and heart health, diabetes prevention, muscle preservation, and potentially reduced cancer risk.00:00 Welcome to Better Sex00:44 Soapbox Episode Setup01:05 HRT Libido Misconception01:17 Client Story Pain and Menopause02:33 Partner Expectations About HRT03:18 HRT Benefits Beyond Sex03:29 Menopause Symptom Relief03:53 UTIs and Vaginal Estrogen04:23 Brain Fog Mood and Health05:01 Bigger Picture and Next Steps05:50 Outro and Listener Support06:38 Credits and GoodbyeWant to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com/iwecourseThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclassIntimacy with Ease is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit jessazimmerman.substack.com/subscribe

Sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman interviews therapist Hannah Buzzo about psychedelic-assisted therapy for intimacy and sex, for individuals and couples. Buzzo describes her background in addiction and trauma work (including EMDR), her training in trauma treatment with psychedelics, and how psychedelic work can make it easier to address taboo topics like sexuality and soften defenses in a safe, compassionate way. She contrasts this with limits of talk therapy, citing biological effects such as decreased default mode network activation and the nervous-system sense of safety that can enable corrective experiences for trauma and attachment wounds. Buzzo explains safety practices including extensive preparation and integration sessions, emphasizes it’s not for everyone (noting bipolar/psychosis risks and lack of support systems), and outlines common formats and medicines used in Colorado (primarily ketamine and sometimes psilocybin), including retreat-based intensives with medical screening and onsite medical support. 00:00 Welcome to Better Sex00:47 Meet Hannah Buzzo02:22 Why Psychedelics for Intimacy07:44 Beyond Talk Therapy10:33 Safety Preparation Integration15:06 Who It’s For16:35 Medicines and Process19:11 Inside a Couples Session23:37 Retreat Format Explained26:29 Medical Oversight and Risks28:29 Legality and Future32:09 Contact and Wrap UpInterested in psychedelics as it pertains to couples work? Learn more at https://www.heartweaveforcouples.comGuest Bio:Hannah Buzzo is the Founder and Clinical Director of Alchemy Therapy & Wellness and the first therapist to bring psychedelic-assisted therapy to Summit County, CO. A pioneer in the field, she challenges traditional talk therapy with bottom-up, experiential approaches that target the subconscious and nervous system. Her work supports individuals and couples heal trauma, deepen intimacy, and restore connection through the integration of mind, body, and spirit.Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com/iwecourseThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclassIntimacy with Ease is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit jessazimmerman.substack.com/subscribe

In this soapbox episode, sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman explains why effective communication requires holding our “reality” loosely, since perception is filtered and interpreted by the brain, and partners often experience the same event differently. She describes a process of sharing each person’s story to feel seen, take accountability, and problem-solve—while emphasizing it only works when both partners communicate in good faith and “cop to” harmful intent when it exists. Zimmerman outlines signs of good-faith engagement: openness to feedback, curiosity about your perspective, empathy, accountability and apologies, and willingness to change behavior. She contrasts this with gaslighting and bad-faith conflict behaviors like insisting they’re right, dismissing or belittling your experience, blaming you, and refusing self-questioning or change. She also applies these ideas to microaggressions, noting the need for openness and behavior change even when bias is unintentional.00:00 Show Intro00:44 Soapbox Topic Setup01:26 Why Perception Misleads02:44 Holding Reality Loosely03:45 Good Faith Requirement04:53 Signs of Good Faith06:25 Gaslighting Red Flags08:25 Microaggressions Nuance09:48 Wrap Up and OutroWant to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com/iwecourseThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclassListen on AppleIntimacy with Ease is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit jessazimmerman.substack.com/subscribe