Ep. 395: [Soapbox] Why the “Devil’s Bargain” Fails: Shared Responsibility for Initiation

Sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman talks with Dr. Teresa Johnson about why and how couples can have healthier conversations about sex, including desire changes, boundaries, consent, and emotional intimacy. They discuss cultural taboos and shame that keep people silent, how comparisons to porn, media, or “how it used to be” distort expectations, and common pitfalls like avoidance, defensiveness, and feedback landing as criticism. Dr. Johnson emphasizes creating emotional safety, approaching the topic with warmth, regulation, curiosity, and a “same team” mindset, and considering each person’s contribution to the dynamic. They also cover when individual or couples sex therapy may help, and Johnson shares tools she created—a free guidebook and the Lover’s Compass Conversation card deck—to structure safer, deeper discussions and support authentic sexuality through presence, self-discovery, and consent.00:00 Welcome to Better Sex02:14 Why Sex Talks Matter05:03 Normalizing Through Community07:39 Common Conversation Pitfalls09:56 Fear Vulnerability Avoidance13:23 Starting the Conversation Right14:27 Regulate and Set the Stage16:40 Curiosity Same Team Mindset18:05 When to Get Professional Help20:08 Feeling Like the Patient20:27 Aligning Therapy Goals21:19 Owning Your Contribution22:59 Empowerment Over Blame23:47 Tools for Sex Talks27:02 Safe Container and Consent28:33 Authentic Sexuality Framework31:04 Presence Over Programming34:35 Resources and Wrap Up This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit jessazimmerman.substack.com/subscribe

Sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman discusses a common dynamic between higher- and lower-desire partners, warning that taking a partner’s “not tonight” personally leads to feeling rejected and eventually showing up as an unsexy “dwarf” (grumpy, needy, whiny, resentful, withdrawn), which creates pressure and consequences that reinforce obligation sex. She explains that this cycle is unsustainable and not fulfilling for the higher-desire partner because it undermines true desire, pleasure, and connection. Zimmerman encourages challenging the meaning assigned to a partner’s no, noting that lower desire often reflects legitimate obstacles that make sex stressful and/or a more reactive desire style where arousal develops after getting started, not from walking around already in the mood. She recommends reframing “they’re not attracted to me” to “their desire works differently.”00:00 Welcome to Better Sex00:45 Not Tonight Story01:47 Seven Dwarves Reaction02:33 Obligation Kills Desire04:28 Stop Taking It Personally05:01 Real Obstacles to Sex05:36 Reactive Desire Explained06:30 Mantra and Next Steps06:55 Outro and Credits This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit jessazimmerman.substack.com/subscribe

Sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman interviews Josh Davis about neuro-linguistic programming (NLP) as practical, research-supported tools drawn from psychotherapy to improve mindset, communication, and relationship dynamics around intimacy and sex. Davis explains NLP’s origins and introduces “well-formed outcomes,” including focusing on what’s in your control, stating goals positively, specifying context, making goals measurable, and addressing internal “ecological” pushback. They discuss desire discrepancy and how shifting from outcome goals to process goals can reduce resentment and improve connection. Davis shares strategies like assuming every behavior has a positive intention to reduce resistance and find win-wins, and “meeting your partner where they are” to earn the right to influence. He also describes choosing emotional states intentionally via memories and reframing changes as experiments, and shares where to find his book and dad-focused programs.00:00 Show Intro00:45 Meet Josh Davis01:36 What Is NLP02:15 Origins of NLP04:51 Why Josh Teaches Dads05:30 Quick NLP Takeaways06:44 Control What You Can08:18 Desire Discrepancy Example11:56 Letting Go of Outcomes13:45 Well Formed Outcomes14:42 Positive Goals and Context16:47 Measurable and Ecological19:16 Partner Resistance Intentions22:24 Assume Positive Intent23:28 Curious Questions Not Criticism24:05 Meet Them Where They Are26:17 Join Their Energy28:04 Intimacy When Things Go Wrong28:44 Choose Your Emotional State31:34 Love As An Experiment35:33 Memories Versus Thoughts37:17 Programs Book And Resources38:57 Final Takeaway And Wrapwww.joshdavisphd.com/dads This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit jessazimmerman.substack.com/subscribe

Sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman explains David Schnarch’s term “the devil’s bargain,” where the higher desire partner stops initiating sex and leaves initiation entirely to the lower desire partner. She describes three common origins: a well-intentioned attempt by the higher desire partner to reduce pressure and avoid painful rejection; a request by the lower desire partner to avoid saying no and to “miss it”; and a resentful test by the higher desire partner to see how long sex will go unmentioned. Zimmerman argues the desire discrepancy remains and the burden shifts to the lower desire partner, often increasing pressure through a sense of obligation and tracking time. She emphasizes that initiation should be a shared responsibility and reframes it as initiating opportunities to be sexual, especially for people with reactive desire who initiate from intention rather than arousal.00:00 Welcome to Better Sex00:48 Introducing the Devils Bargain01:28 Why Couples Make It03:11 When It Becomes a Test03:44 Why It Backfires04:32 Sharing Initiation Responsibility05:51 Closing and Next Steps This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit jessazimmerman.substack.com/subscribe

Sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman interviews Anthony Silard about his book Love and Suffering and how loneliness and disconnection affect relationships. Silard describes a “love progression model” of acceptance, forgiveness, gratitude, and love, each requiring overcoming suffering, resentment, judgment, and “incarceration,” respectively. He distinguishes aloneness from loneliness and solitude, shares data on rising loneliness, and discusses how resentment can lead to paralysis, power-over dynamics, and loneliness, including among leaders. He argues forgiveness can be a judgment-based power play and suggests moving beyond it toward gratitude, while separating forgiveness (personal development) from trust (relationship development). He shares exercises for examining one’s role in conflict, a personal story of forgiving an abusive stepfather, and an example of how judgment can narrow partner choice. Sillito directs listeners to his website for free books.00:00 Welcome to Better Sex00:45 Meet Anthony Silard01:34 Why He Wrote the Book02:56 Love Progression Model03:49 Loneliness in Relationships05:41 Loneliness vs Solitude07:08 Loneliness Is Going Global09:54 Men Friendship and Despair11:38 Forgiveness Power Play13:59 Beyond Forgiveness to Gratitude18:38 Midroll and Resources19:07 Owning Your Part19:34 Three Column Forgiveness Exercise20:54 Resentment And Paralysis21:57 Forgive By Giving For23:10 Forgive And Remember23:47 Forgiveness Versus Trust25:31 Finding Meaning In Suffering26:23 Compassion Without Absorbing27:00 Turning Pain Into Purpose28:31 Resentment In Relationships32:02 Loneliness To Love34:29 Incarceration And Projection34:53 Maria’s Infidelity Lesson40:14 Book Links And FarewellHis latest book (April 2025): Love and Suffering: Break the Emotional Chains that Prevent You from Experiencing Love (all proceeds donated to nonprofit education programs in Africa and Latin America)The Myth of Happiness: How Your Definition of Happiness Creates Your Unhappiness and The Myth of Friendship: How Your Misunderstandings about Friendship Keep You Lonely . They can enter their email to download them here: www.theartoflivingfree.org/freehappinessandfriendshipbooksWant to work with Jessa? https://www.intimacywithease.comBio:Anthony Silard, Ph.D is a professor of leadership and the Director of the Center for Sustainable Leadership at Luiss Business School in Rome. Anthony has provided leadership development coaching and training to thousands of CEOs and senior executives of Fortune 100 companies, small businesses, and the world’s largest nonprofits, including GE, Disney, Nokia, Bank of America, IBM, CARE, Save the Children, and the American Red Cross. Anthony has also coached political leaders, including G-20 cabinet ministers. He has taught leadership at various universities around the world, including IESE Business School, Claremont McKenna College, the Monterrey Institute of Technology, INCAE Business School, California State University San Bernardino and the International University of Catalonia and has lectured on leadership at Harvard, Stanford, Georgetown, the University of California at Berkeley, George Washington University, Cal Poly Pomona, and ESADE Business School. Anthony has received numerous awards for his work, including Harvard’s Robert F. Kennedy Public Service Award, was named Visionary of the Year by the PBS series The Visionaries, and was featured at the Presidential Summit for America’s Future and America’s Promise. Anthony holds a PhD in leader- ship from IESE Business School, which he received with First-Class/Excellent Distinction, a Master’s in Public Policy focused on leadership from Harvard University, and a BA from the University of California at Berkeley. He also served in the Peace Corps in Kenya for two years. Anthony is CEO of the Global Leadership Institute and President of the Center for Social Leadership. He lives with his wife and two children in Rome. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit jessazimmerman.substack.com/subscribe

Sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman interviews Jonathan Robinson about using MDMA (ecstasy) with couples to accelerate therapy, emphasizing a legal disclaimer and harm reduction. Robinson describes renewed interest in psychedelic therapies, claims MDMA can make deep couples work happen in hours, and contrasts it with drugs like psilocybin or ketamine because it supports therapeutic interaction without hallucinations. He explains proposed mechanisms (reduced amygdala fear response and increased serotonin/bonding), highlights the importance of set and setting, purity testing, minimizing distractions, and the value of a trained guide plus integration sessions for lasting change. He discusses common reasons couples seek MDMA (trauma, anxiety, depression, addiction, relationship issues, spiritual growth), how to choose a guide, contraindications (recent heart attack, antidepressants; caution with psychosis/bipolar), and shares a personal story of MDMA revealing grief underlying marital conflict. Want to know more about Jessa's couples; intensives? https://www.heartweaveforcouples.comBio: Jonathan Robinson is a psychotherapist, best-selling author of 16 books, and a professional speaker from Northern California. He has reached over 200 million people around the world with his practical methods, and his work has been translated into 47 languages. Mr. Robinson has made numerous appearances on The Oprah Show and CNN, as well as other national TV talk shows. Jonathan’s most recent book is called, “Ecstasy as Medicine: How MDMA Therapy Can Help You Overcome Trauma, Anxiety and Depression…and Feel More Love.” In the book, Jonathan shares the best methods, stories, and ideas he’s learned from leading over 700 MDMA journeys and teaching hundreds of therapists how to do his unique protocol over Zoom. His other books include the bestsellers, “Communication Miracles for Couples,” and “More Love, Less Conflict.”Jonathan is the co-host of the podcast Awareness Explorers, and his websites are: XTCasMedicine.com and FindingHappiness.com This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit jessazimmerman.substack.com/subscribe

In this soapbox episode of the Better Sex Podcast, sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman describes a common barrier to seeking help for sexual issues: the fear that if you “open the box” and really look at your sex life, you might discover it’s hopeless—like Schrödinger’s cat being alive or dead. She acknowledges how much courage it takes to address intimacy struggles, but argues that avoidance carries major emotional costs, from growing distance to cringe moments when sex comes up, and years lost to an unfulfilling dynamic. Zimmerman says there is real hope when couples have a fundamentally good relationship, goodwill, and willingness to examine their own contributions and learn new ways of thinking about sex, and she encourages listeners to raise the issue, get support, and work on it sooner rather than later.00:00 Welcome to Better Sex00:45 Soapbox Topic Setup01:04 Schrodingers Cat Explained02:05 Fear of Seeking Help03:10 When Sex Can Improve04:58 Cost of Avoidance05:54 Its Not Too Late07:01 Courage to Act07:26 Closing and Credits This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit jessazimmerman.substack.com/subscribe

Sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman interviews pelvic work practitioners Ashley Rose and Martin Beaudoin about how pelvic restrictions and misdiagnosed physical issues can contribute to low libido, anorgasmia, dyspareunia, vulvodynia, pudendal neuralgia, and relationship strain. They describe pelvic work as broader than Kegels, involving fascia, nerves, organ positioning, blood and lymph flow, breath, and somatic “interviews” through palpation that can surface emotions and trauma. Martin explains assessing the body first, collaborating with partners when relevant, and using pleasure points and orgasmic response to change physiology and support healing. Ashley outlines a client-led, consent-based “buffet” of tools (somatics, sexology, ethical touch, transpersonal approaches), emphasizing readiness and choice. They discuss trainings, intensives, collaboration with medical and therapeutic providers, and share where to find them online.00:00 Show Intro00:44 Meet The Guests01:27 Why They Do This Work03:39 Pelvic Issues And Sex05:41 Beyond Kegels08:55 Pleasure Anatomy Examples11:34 Client Aha Moments14:32 What Sessions Look Like18:54 Martin Approach And Misdiagnosis24:55 Pleasure As Medicine26:21 Substack Midroll Break27:00 How Fast Results Come27:42 Who This Helps Most29:45 Ethical Pleasure Space32:42 Martin On Symptoms36:32 Trainings And Intensives37:54 Vision With Medicine43:10 Where To Find Them44:29 Podcast Closing CreditsJessa's substack: https://www.intimacywithease.com/substackBios:Ashley's somatic and therapeutic work is informed by Somatic Sex Education, Hakomi, IFS, The Beaudoin Method for Pelvic Care, Relational Life Therapy for couples and transpersonal psychology inspired by the text “A Course In Miracles”. Ashley is passionate about people being free to understand and feel their authentic eroticism beyond all the layers life can impose upon individuals. She works with all genders, in an anti-oppression framework, with support for a variety of sexual perspectives, backgrounds and degrees of experience*****Martin's interest in bodywork began at age 14. He was first attracted to energy work, Swedish massage, and Reflexology & quickly developed a passion for anatomy. After a 23 year career as a university professor (Linguistics and Speech Pathology), Martin retired and began working full time as a bodyworker. Since then, Martin has trained in Craniosacral, Structural/Myofascial, Neurokinetic Therapy, Chi Nei Tsang, Karsai Nei Tsang, Thai Massage, Tantric Yoni Massage, Compassionate Inquiry & Visceral Manipulation. His work is a blend of these modalities and a gynaecological model he himself developed to respond to common and complex pelvic issues for women. He has developed various protocols and interventions through clinical research and now runs a school to teach others to do the same. www.beaudoinbodywork.comwww.ashleyelisabethrose.ca This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit jessazimmerman.substack.com/subscribe

Sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman explains how being “easygoing” or people-pleasing—rarely stating preferences and letting a partner decide—can create a hidden burden in relationships. She describes clients who didn’t realize how constant small decisions (meals, plans, TV) led to their partner’s decision fatigue and reduced connection because the partner couldn’t encounter their wants, opinions, and priorities. Zimmerman shares a practical exercise: carrying an object (like Legos) as a reminder to voice “I want/I would like” five times a day, which helped one couple reduce overwhelm and increase mutual satisfaction. She also outlines common roots of easygoing behavior, including being praised for it, growing up around someone with bigger needs, or learning to disconnect from desires to avoid disappointment.00:00 Show Intro00:46 Soapbox Topic Setup01:41 Lego Pocket Exercise02:30 Decision Fatigue Relief04:29 Why Easygoing Hurts05:11 How It Develops06:55 Try a New Habit07:11 Outro and CreditsWant to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.comThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comPodcast Website – https://www.bettersexpodcast.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit jessazimmerman.substack.com/subscribe

Sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman interviews Natalie Davis about how her marriage shifted from assumed monogamy to swinging and then polyamory after an affair about 15 years into her relationship. Davis describes early insecurity, rules for safety, and how communication and healing helped her and her husband rebuild trust. She explains kitchen-table polyamory, living in a “resident V” with her husband and his other partner (her metamour), and the mundane realities of sharing a household alongside dating others. They discuss jealousy, consent, STI awareness, the lack of legal protections for non-monogamists, and how polyamory can require “graduate level” communication. Davis shares that she wrote a memoir, Saying Yes: My Adventures in Polyamory, publishing January 13, 2026, and where to find her online.Note: Natalie wanted to make sure to credit the person who coined the word "polyamory" in 1990: Morning Glory Ravenheart Zell00:00 Welcome to Better Sex00:44 Meet Natalie Davis01:56 From Monogamy to Poly03:33 Swinging After Infidelity06:23 Healing and Rebuilding Trust11:16 Coming Out and Risks14:11 Writing the Book16:38 Kitchen Table Poly19:09 Life in a Resident V22:54 Jealousy and Communication26:01 Dating Beyond the Household28:16 Sex Life Pros and Cons32:47 Skills for Doing It Well35:21 Book Details and Where to Find36:47 Final Thanks and Wrap UpJessa's quizzes are available:The higher desire partner quiz: https://intimacywithease.com/hdp-higher-desire-partner-mistake-quiz/The lower desire partner quiz: https://intimacywithease.com/ldp-lower-desire-partner-mistake-quiz-organic/BioNatalie Davis is the author of the new poly memoir, "Saying Yes: My Adventures in Polyamory" (pub date Jan. 13, 2026). She is the editor of the online publication Polyamory Today, and her work has appeared in Heart Affairs, Discovering Polyamory, Monogamish, and The Memoirist. Her opinions on polyamory have been published in The Washington Post. She has presented workshops on communication and non-monogamy across the United States. A recovering lawyer, she lives in the Washington, DC, area, with her partner and marvelous metamour. You can find her on Instagram, Medium, and her website as nataliedavisadventures. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit jessazimmerman.substack.com/subscribe