314: [Soapbox] What's under the anger?

In this episode of 'Better Sex,' host and sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman discusses the common issue of being overly focused on pleasing one's partner in a sexual relationship. She explores how this can lead to unintended pressure, diminishing genuine intimacy and connection. Through examples from her client interactions, Jessa illustrates how detaching from the expectation of sexual pleasure and being genuinely receptive to a partner's desires can enhance the relationship. Key strategies include slowing down, truly listening to one's partner, and honoring their current wants and needs, whether they are sexual or not.00:00 Introduction to Better Sex01:01 The Pitfalls of Wanting to Please Your Partner02:19 Understanding Your Partner's Desires03:19 Practical Tips for Improving Intimacy05:34 Conclusion and Listener EngagementWant to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.comThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comPodcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass

In this episode of the Better Sex Podcast, host Jessa Zimmerman speaks with ASSECT certified sex therapist Vanessa Cushing about her new innovative project, Sex Therapy Pro—an online closed AI resource and soon-to-be app. They discuss the challenges and accessibility gaps in sexual health information, Vanessa's journey through the creation of this custom AI, and how it aims to provide vetted, accurate information to individuals and other clinicians. They also cover the importance of trauma-informed care, the limitations of AI in handling mental health, and the ultimate goal of encouraging people to seek professional help while reducing shame around sexual health concerns.00:00 Introduction to Better Sex Podcast00:46 Guest Introduction: Vanessa Cushing01:56 The Birth of Sex Therapy Pro03:23 Challenges and Solutions in Sex Therapy04:22 AI in Sex Therapy: Benefits and Concerns06:48 Accessibility and Inclusivity in Sexual Health11:05 Trauma-Informed AI and Its Limitations14:25 Future of AI in Therapy21:05 Conclusion and App Launch DetailsTake my sexual health quiz at https://www.sexhealthquiz.comBio:Vanessa Cushing, MS, LPC, NCC is a sex therapist certified by University of Michigan, trauma-informed clinician, and the founder of Sex Therapy Pro a digital platform offering AI-guided, shame-free support for sexual wellness and intimacy.She holds a BA in Psychology from the University of Virginia, an MS in Clinical Mental Health Counseling from Johns Hopkins University, and completed her sex therapy certification through the University of Michigan.Vanessa specializes in helping individuals and couples navigate sexual pain, desire discrepancies, trauma recovery, and communication breakdowns and now brings that expertise to a scalable, tech-powered format aimed at making healing more accessible than ever.Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.comThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comPodcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass

In this episode of The Better Sex Podcast, host and sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman explores what it truly means to have a healthy sex life. She challenges the common misconception that frequency alone defines a healthy sexual relationship and discusses the importance of mutual enjoyment, desire, engagement, and presence. Zimmerman also talks about the signs of an unhealthy sex life, such as sexual avoidance and lack of communication, and emphasizes the need for a fun and easy sexual relationship that works for both partners. Listeners are invited to take a comprehensive quiz to assess the health of their own sex life and get personalized tips for improvement.00:00 Introduction to Better Sex00:58 Defining a Healthy Sex Life02:30 Key Elements of a Healthy Sex Life03:16 The Sexual Avoidance Cycle03:39 Positivity and Desire in Sexual Relationships04:19 Presence and Intentionality05:43 Conclusion and Quiz Invitation06:10 Closing Remarks and Listener EngagementTake the quiz at https://www.sexhealthquiz.comWant to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.comThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comPodcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass

In this episode of the Better Sex Podcast, host Jess Zimmerman speaks with Lilith Foxx and Remi Newman about their new anthology, 'Hands-On.' The book is a collection of stories from sex workers that highlight the compassion, connection, and healing found in their work. The guests elaborate on the misconceptions surrounding sex work, the role of social justice, and their personal journeys within the profession. Lilith shares her empowering experience as a former sex worker and educator, while Remi details her path as a surrogate partner. The episode emphasizes the emotional and physical healing that sex work can provide and advocates for a broader understanding and acceptance of this profession.00:00 Introduction to Better Sex Podcast00:52 Sound Issues and Guest Introduction01:53 The Origin of 'Hands-On' Anthology04:17 Lilith Foxx's Journey and Passion06:07 Social Justice and Sex Work07:08 Misconceptions About Sex Work08:40 Personal Stories of Entering Sex Work14:15 Support from Loved Ones16:58 Ethics and Sex Work19:11 Healing Through Sex Work22:34 Reflecting on Personal Growth and Experience23:05 Exploring the Reasons Behind Seeking Surrogate Partners and Pro Dom Services23:39 The Role of Companionship and Loneliness in Seeking Services24:33 Shame and Vulnerability in Kink and Fetish Work25:21 Drivers for Seeking Surrogate Partner Therapy29:05 The Importance of Boundaries and Therapist Involvement30:41 Reading an Excerpt: Holding Hands37:54 Book Information and Closing RemarksBios:Lilith Foxx (she/her) is a BIPOC, queer, neurodivergent, kinky and polyamorous marketing professional turned Board-certified sexologist, AASECT Certified Sexuality Educator, professional speaker, coach, and inclusivity consultant. She is a graduate of the Kinsey Institute at Indiana University’s Human Sexuality Intensive program, and is certified by Johns Hopkins University in psychological first aid. She is currently pursuing a master's degree in Public Health.Her work focuses on the intersectionality of marginalized identities, alternative sexuality, and social justice. Informed by her personal and professional experiences, she provides BDSM and nonmonogamy cultural competency consulting for clinical, academic, and research settings, and facilitates workshops on sexuality justice and inclusion. Her expertise has been featured in several publications including Cosmopolitan, Glamour, HuffPost, Kinkly, GQ, Playboy, Men's Health, and in LiveJasmin's 'Life in Red' docu-series.Remi Newman is a sexuality educator, writer and surrogate partner. She is the editor of the new anthology Hands On: Stories of Sexuality Work, Intimacy, and Healing. Remi has over 25 years working in the field of sexuality empowering people of diverse backgrounds to live healthy and fulfilling sex lives. She received her Master's in sexuality education from NYU. She is the proud mama of a teenage son, three naughty kitties and two adventurous crayfish. Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.comThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comPodcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass

In this episode of Better Sex, sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman dives into the concept of anger as a secondary emotion. She discusses how anger often masks more vulnerable feelings like fear, sadness, hurt, and shame. Zimmerman explains the importance of identifying and expressing these underlying emotions for better intimate relationships and effective communication. Listeners are encouraged to reflect on their true feelings to foster empathy and connection with their partners.00:00 Introduction to Better Sex00:50 Understanding Anger as a Secondary Emotion02:00 Exploring the Emotions Underneath Anger03:26 Practical Steps to Address Anger05:11 Conclusion and Listener EngagementWant to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.comThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comPodcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass

In this episode of Better Sex, host Jessa Zimmerman interviews Dr. Nicole Thompson about her journey from purity culture to sexual liberation, focusing on how psychedelics can aid in this transition. They discuss the impact of purity culture, the importance of community, and the principles of set and setting in psychedelic-assisted therapy. Nicole shares her experiences and insights on how to use psychedelics to enhance sexual pleasure and dismantle shame. They also touch on the significance of communication, consent, and the importance of feeling safe in sexual experiences.00:00 Introduction to Better Sex01:01 Guest Introduction: Nicole Thompson on Sexual Liberation01:56 Nicole's Journey from Purity Culture to Sexual Freedom03:05 Challenges and Transformations in Sexual Liberation06:01 Therapeutic Approaches and Sexual Healing14:41 Exploring Psychedelic Integration in Therapy17:14 Creating a Safe and Intentional Space for Psychedelic Therapy18:36 The Importance of Graduated Dosages in Psychedelic and Sexual Experiences20:18 Applying Set and Setting to Sexual Liberation22:04 The Role of Community and Safe Practices in Psychedelic and Sexual Experiences25:08 Recognizing Boundaries and Red Flags in Sexual Relationships27:33 The Power of Communication and Integration in Sexual Experiences29:52 Hopes for the Future: Ending Rape Culture and Closing the Orgasm Gap32:19 Resources and Final ThoughtsVisit https://www.intimacywithease.com if you'd like to explore how to work with me.Guest bio:Nicole is a queer Sex and Relationships psychotherapist and the host of the Modern Anarchy podcast. She’s the author of The Psychedelic Jealousy Guide: Crafting Secure Non-Monogamous Relationships and conducted the first published academic study on Relationship Anarchy.Nicole is widely recognized as a leading theorist on non-monogamy and sexuality. Through her private client work with The Pleasure Practice, she helps people liberate pleasure, navigate desire, and create deeply connected relationships rooted in authenticity and expansion.www.modernanarchypodcast.comWant to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.comThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comPodcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass

In this episode of the Better Sex Podcast, sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman discusses the concept of proactive versus reactive desire in intimate relationships. She delves into how these different types of desires function and the importance of recognizing them. Zimmerman emphasizes not measuring desire at the beginning but rather in the middle, once the 'engine' has warmed up. This shift in perspective can help partners feel more desired and reduce stress around sexual relationships. The episode provides valuable insights for partners dealing with different levels of desire, aiming to improve their intimate connection.00:00 Introduction to Better Sex01:01 Understanding Proactive and Reactive Desire02:09 The Importance of Feeling Wanted02:50 Measuring Desire in the Middle04:23 Conclusion and Final ThoughtsWant to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.comThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comPodcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass

Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.comThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comPodcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass

Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.comThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comPodcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass

In this episode of the Better Sex Podcast, host Jessa Zimmerman talks with psychologist and couples counselor Bonnie Comfort about her book 'Staying Married is the Hardest Part,' which delves into the complexities of her 30-year marriage. Bonnie shares her motivations for writing the book, driven initially by grief after the loss of her husband, Bob. The conversation explores Bonnie's personal experiences with the ebbs and flows of her marriage, particularly the struggles they faced around sexual incompatibility and fetishes. Through their discussion, Bonnie emphasizes the importance of honesty, empathy, and self-advocacy in maintaining a long-term relationship. The episode also addresses broader themes such as the unrealistic expectations set by society about marriage and sex, and provides insights for both therapists and individuals struggling with similar issues.00:00 Introduction to Better Sex Podcast00:50 Meet Bonnie Comfort: Author and Psychologist01:52 The Journey of Writing Through Grief02:23 Therapists Are Not Perfect: Personal Struggles04:25 Navigating Marriage Expectations05:30 The Romance Industrial Complex06:27 Dealing with Sexual Incompatibility15:58 The Impact of External Stressors on Marriage18:04 Balancing Self-Care and Partner Support19:35 Navigating Sexual Differences in Relationships20:48 Balancing Personal Desires and Partner's Needs21:36 The Role of Empathy and Compromise22:27 Manipulation vs. Coercion in Relationships24:48 Overcoming Sexual Insecurities26:06 The Importance of Honest Communication29:22 Deciding to Stay or Leave a Relationship31:23 Psychological Insights into Relationship Dynamics32:41 Lessons Learned and Moving Forward33:57 About the Book and Final ThoughtsWant to take my quiz? https://www.sexlifequiz.comBio:Bonnie Comfort is the author of "Staying Married is the Hardest Part," a new memoir that explores the complexities of long-term love. She has been a practicing psychologist for 30 years. She has an MSW from the University of Manitoba and a PhD in psychology from the Chicago School of Professional Psychology Los Angeles. Her novel, “Denial,” a psychological thriller from Simon & Schuster, was published in eight countries and translated into five languages. As an expert on marital therapy, she has been a guest multiple times on podcasts about marriage and has taken extensive workshops with marital and sex experts like Terrence Real, David Schnarch, John Gottman, and Marty Klein. She currently lives in Portland, Oregon, with her long-time partner. Find out more about her at http://bonniecomfort.com.Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.comThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comPodcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass