302: [Soapbox] Desire is not the same as attraction

In this episode of the Better Sex Podcast, host Jessa Zimmerman talks with psychologist and couples counselor Bonnie Comfort about her book 'Staying Married is the Hardest Part,' which delves into the complexities of her 30-year marriage. Bonnie shares her motivations for writing the book, driven initially by grief after the loss of her husband, Bob. The conversation explores Bonnie's personal experiences with the ebbs and flows of her marriage, particularly the struggles they faced around sexual incompatibility and fetishes. Through their discussion, Bonnie emphasizes the importance of honesty, empathy, and self-advocacy in maintaining a long-term relationship. The episode also addresses broader themes such as the unrealistic expectations set by society about marriage and sex, and provides insights for both therapists and individuals struggling with similar issues.00:00 Introduction to Better Sex Podcast00:50 Meet Bonnie Comfort: Author and Psychologist01:52 The Journey of Writing Through Grief02:23 Therapists Are Not Perfect: Personal Struggles04:25 Navigating Marriage Expectations05:30 The Romance Industrial Complex06:27 Dealing with Sexual Incompatibility15:58 The Impact of External Stressors on Marriage18:04 Balancing Self-Care and Partner Support19:35 Navigating Sexual Differences in Relationships20:48 Balancing Personal Desires and Partner's Needs21:36 The Role of Empathy and Compromise22:27 Manipulation vs. Coercion in Relationships24:48 Overcoming Sexual Insecurities26:06 The Importance of Honest Communication29:22 Deciding to Stay or Leave a Relationship31:23 Psychological Insights into Relationship Dynamics32:41 Lessons Learned and Moving Forward33:57 About the Book and Final ThoughtsWant to take my quiz? https://www.sexlifequiz.comBio:Bonnie Comfort is the author of "Staying Married is the Hardest Part," a new memoir that explores the complexities of long-term love. She has been a practicing psychologist for 30 years. She has an MSW from the University of Manitoba and a PhD in psychology from the Chicago School of Professional Psychology Los Angeles. Her novel, “Denial,” a psychological thriller from Simon & Schuster, was published in eight countries and translated into five languages. As an expert on marital therapy, she has been a guest multiple times on podcasts about marriage and has taken extensive workshops with marital and sex experts like Terrence Real, David Schnarch, John Gottman, and Marty Klein. She currently lives in Portland, Oregon, with her long-time partner. Find out more about her at http://bonniecomfort.com.Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.comThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comPodcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass

In this episode of the Better Sex Podcast, host and sex therapist, Jessa Zimmerman, discusses the concept of reactive desire, where individuals may not initially feel in the mood for sex but can become aroused through the process. She emphasizes the importance of entering intimate situations with an open, flexible mindset without predefined expectations, allowing for the possibility of reactive desire to manifest. Jessa advises against making upfront decisions about the sexual outcome and advocates for focusing on pleasure and connection. She also highlights the significance of mutual flexibility between partners to enhance intimate experiences. Listeners are encouraged to keep an open-ended 'maybe' attitude in intimate moments to foster spontaneity and deeper connection.00:00 Introduction to Better Sex00:51 Understanding Reactive Desire02:19 The Importance of Flexibility in Desire02:57 Avoiding Preconceived Notions04:36 Final Thoughts and OutroWant to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.comThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comPodcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass

In this episode of Better Sex, host Jessa Zimmerman welcomes Dr. Jenn Kennedy to discuss the specific challenges women face around sexual desire. Dr. Kennedy shares her passion for women's health and the importance of inclusive research. Key topics include body image concerns, the impact of cultural messages, attachment theory, the role of EMDR in overcoming sexual trauma, and strategies for women to advocate for their own pleasure. The discussion also highlights the significance of relationship dynamics, the influence of upbringing, and how societal expectations shape women's experiences with sexuality. Dr. Kennedy also introduces her group work with The Pleasure Circle as a means to support women in their sexual journey.00:00 Introduction to Better Sex Podcast00:46 Welcoming Dr. Jenn Kennedy00:55 Challenges in Women's Sexual Desire02:47 Body Image and Its Impact06:48 The Journey to Self-Acceptance10:13 Understanding EMDR Therapy14:12 Overcoming Negative Beliefs19:04 People Pleasing in the Bedroom21:02 Understanding Women's Disconnect from Sexual Desire21:29 Generational Differences in Sexual Attitudes22:48 The Impact of Pain and Communication in Sexual Relationships24:26 Strategies for Women to Advocate for Their Sexual Needs27:49 Factors Influencing Women's Sexual Desire29:42 Attachment Theory and Sexual Strategies33:05 The Role of Pleasure and Self-Care in Sexual Satisfaction38:19 Exploring Female Sexuality in Group Settings39:39 Resources and Final ThoughtsWant to work with me? Visit https://www.intimacywithease.comBio:Dr. Jenn Kennedy is a clinical sexologist and licensed marriage and family therapist based in Santa Barbara. She specializes in the areas of relationships, sex, addiction and LGBT. In 2023, Dr. Jenn launched The Pleasure Project, which is dedicated to helping us all have a better sex life. Through this venture, she hosts a podcast called Pleasure Project: Sex & Relationships and offers small group intensives for women and couples. She recently launched a self-guided course and is coming out with a Pleasure Circle workbook in 2025. Dr. Jenn has been quoted in Redbook, Reader’s Digest, Forbes Health, DailyOm, Shondaland, Parade, Allure, Yahoo!life and others. She is often tapped to discuss intimacy and sexuality for therapists and physicians.Podcast: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/jenn-kennedyYou Tube: https://www.youtube.com/@drjennkennedyLinkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/jennkennedyFacebook: https://www.facebook.com/RivieraTherapyWant to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.comThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comPodcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass

In this episode of The Better Sex Podcast, host Jessa Zimmerman discusses the importance of addressing and repairing intimacy and connection in a relationship before focusing on improving one's sex life. She talks about the common issues couples face when there are differences in libido and how these can lead to emotional disconnection. Jessa emphasizes the need for open, heartfelt communication, positive focus, gratitude, and fun in restoring emotional closeness. She also covers how to understand desire discrepancy, the sexual avoidance cycle, and the common mistakes higher desire partners make. The episode concludes with strategies for preparing and engaging in constructive conversations about sex, aiming to turn the topic into a positive aspect of the relationship.00:00 Introduction to Better Sex00:54 The Importance of Addressing the Relationship First03:21 Resetting Intimacy and Connection07:00 Understanding Desire Discrepancy08:51 Preparing for the Conversation About Sex09:59 Conclusion and Final ThoughtsWant to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.comThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comPodcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass

In this episode of The Better Sex Podcast, host Jessa Zimmerman speaks with Nick Demos about his new documentary, 'Body Electric,' which delves into body image issues within the queer community. The discussion covers the unique challenges faced by gay men, the root causes of body dysmorphia, the impact of the AIDS crisis, and internal bullying within the community. Nick shares his personal journey, addressing childhood sexual abuse and body dysmorphia, and reflects on societal pressures and the patriarchal influences affecting body perception. The conversation also touches on the universality of body image struggles, aging, and the path to self-acceptance.00:00 Introduction to Better Sex Podcast00:48 Meet Nick Demos: Filmmaker and Advocate01:40 Exploring 'Body Electric': The Documentary02:12 The Gay Male Gaze and Body Image04:38 Universal Struggles with Body Image05:44 Bullying and Self-Esteem in the Queer Community08:49 Personal Stories and Healing16:48 The Impact of the AIDS Crisis on Body Image22:04 Turning Inward: Self-Reflection in the LGBTQ Community22:36 Impact of the Documentary: Personal Transformations24:06 Dating Apps and Body Image in the LGBTQ Community25:46 Patriarchy and Masculinity: A Deeper Dive27:12 Challenges Faced by Feminine Gay Men and Trans Women29:23 Body Image and Suicidality in the LGBTQ Community32:19 Aging and Invisibility: The Harsh Realities36:25 Final Thoughts: Acceptance and Moving Forward39:42 Conclusion and Future ProjectsWant to share your personal story on the podcast? Email us at [email protected]:Tony Award-winning producer Nick Demos has mastered the art of transformative storytelling. As the founder of The Impact Academy and the StorySelling Lab he draws on his three decades of entertainment industry expertise to help visionaries find their authentic voice on stage.Nick's journey spans producing Broadway shows to creating award-winning documentaries including Body Electric and Invisible which are both available on Amazon Prime. giving him a unique perspective on what makes audiences lean in.Additionally, Nick has been a meditation, breath work and yoga teacher for over two decadesBy combining theatrical prowess, and spiritual practice with deep business acumen—having run a multi-million dollar business—Nick works with his clients to turn their expertise into unforgettable stories and performances that leave lasting impressions and drive real results.www.thenickdemos.comWant to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.comThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comPodcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass

In this episode of the Better Sex Podcast, host and sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman discusses a common issue faced by couples: the lower desire partner consistently having sex to meet their partner’s needs, leading to resentment. Jessa shares insights from a recent coaching session where a woman expressed deep frustration from decades of unfulfilling sexual encounters with her husband. Jessa emphasizes the need for both partners to realize their role in co-creating this dynamic and offers strategies for transforming their intimate relationship into one that is mutually fulfilling, rather than obligatory. She urges lower desire partners to focus on their own pleasure and encourages higher desire partners to reconsider their expectations and seek a more balanced and joyful connection.00:00 Introduction to Better Sex00:47 The Issue of Lower Desire Partners01:09 Real-Life Example: Decades of Unfulfilling Sex02:13 Co-Creation of Unpleasant Sexual Dynamics03:08 The Impact on Higher Desire Partners05:17 Steps to Change and Improve Intimacy06:32 Mutual Fulfillment and Connection08:29 Conclusion and Final ThoughtsWant to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.comThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comPodcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass

In this episode of the Better Sex Podcast, host and sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman engages in a comprehensive discussion with Dr. Maria Sophocles, an OB GYN specialized in menopause and women's sexual health. They explore the often neglected topic of sexual health during menopause, debunk myths, and recommend safe, effective treatments like vaginal estrogen. The conversation touches on the societal stigmas surrounding women's sexual health, the importance of communication between partners, and strategies to maintain intimacy and pleasure. Dr. Sophocles also highlights the need for better medical education on menopause and offers practical advice on using lubricants and testosterone therapy to enhance sexual well-being during midlife.00:00 Introduction to Better Sex00:50 Discussing Menopause with Dr. Maria Sophocles02:03 The Importance of Addressing Sexual Health08:42 Understanding the Bedroom Gap16:31 Challenges in Medical Education and Sexual Health19:09 Misconceptions About Estrogen Therapy20:35 The Financial Benefits of Estrogen Therapy21:04 Maintaining Genital Health with Vaginal Estrogen22:11 The Role of Lubricants in Sexual Health23:54 Communicating About Sexual Health in Midlife24:24 Rehabilitating Vaginal Tissue26:45 Addressing Trauma and Therapy in Sexual Health27:41 The Importance of Communication in Sex Therapy29:23 Enhancing Sexual Desire Through Erotic Media33:34 Testosterone and Female Libido34:51 Resources and Final ThoughtsInterested in my podcasts about desire discrepancy: www.desirediscrepancy.comBio:Maria has been a practicing gynecologist for 29 years and is an internationally respected expert in menopause and female sexual function.She is the founder of Women's Healthcare of Princeton, a progressive gynecology practice serving over 30,000 women in the U.S. To meet the needs of international and remote U.S. patients, in 2024 she launched The Thinking Woman, a virtual consultation practice.She completed a BA in English with honors and distinction from Duke University, attended medical School at Jefferson Medical College and completed her residency at Johns Hopkins Hospital’s Greater Baltimore Medical Center.She is board certified in ob/gyn, a certified menopause practitioner, and has been named a fellow to national societies (ISSVD and ISSWSH) for her contributions to gynecology.As one of the first U.S clinicians to recognize the need for a non-estrogen option to treat vaginal atrophy, in 2015 she pioneered the use of Co2 Laser in the U.S.; she has taught clinicians this technology on five continents.A passionate advocate for reproductive freedom and contraceptive access, she fought for seven years alongside Senator Shirley Turner to achieve passage of New Jersey Bill S275, a part of the historic Freedom of Reproductive Choice Act which became law in 2023.Appalled by the pervasiveness of the gendered healthcare gap, she is developing a Women’s Health clinic in rural Kenya.Her TED talk “What Happens to Sex in Midlife” has garnered nearly a million views and her forthcoming book, The Bedroom Gap will be released in late 2025.She is currently at work on a documentary about Sex, Menopause and Gender Equality called HOT!.She is married with four children.https://www.mariasophoclesmd.comInstagram: @mariasophoclesmd - https://www.instagram.com/mariasophoclesmd/TED Talk: https://www.ted.com/talks/maria_sophocles_what_happens_to_sex_in_midlife_a_look_at_the_bedroom_gap?language=enWant to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.comThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comPodcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass

In this episode of the Better Sex Podcast, host and sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman discusses the often misunderstood distinction between desire and attraction in intimate relationships. Zimmerman explains how many people confuse a decrease in spontaneous desire with a loss of attraction toward their partner. She details how desire can shift from proactive to reactive, particularly as relationships evolve, with age, stress, and familiarity. Listeners will gain insight into maintaining a healthy sex life by adapting to these changes instead of misconstruing them as a loss of attraction. Finally, she emphasizes the importance of deepening connections beyond physical appearances for long-term sexual fulfillment.00:00 Introduction to Better Sex Podcast00:58 Understanding Desire vs. Attraction02:48 The Shift from Proactive to Reactive Desire04:45 The Role of Brain Chemistry in Desire06:26 Adapting to Changes in Attraction07:44 Conclusion and Listener EngagementWant to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.comThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comPodcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass

In this episode of Better Sex, host Jess Zimmerman engages in a deep conversation with Rosalyn Dischiavo, who runs the Institute for Sexuality Education and Enlightenment. They discuss Ros's journey into sexuality education, the five levels of intimacy, and the concept of embodied receiving. The conversation covers the importance of embodiment in building intimacy, the challenges posed by modern technology and societal norms, and the distinction between sexual and sensual experiences. Ros also explains her workshops, designed to help people connect deeper with their bodies and build meaningful, intimate relationships. This episode emphasizes the need for graduated risks, learning to feel and process emotions, and the power of in-person connections.00:00 Introduction to Better Sex00:55 Meet Ros Dischiavo: Expert in Sexuality Education03:09 The Shift to Public Workshops07:38 Understanding Intimacy Levels13:47 The Concept of Embodied Receiving20:14 The Misconception of Mindfulness20:57 The Fascination of Embodied Presence22:55 The Impact of Advertising on Relaxation24:39 Defining Deep Practice25:01 Practicing Embodied Receiving30:34 The Importance of In-Person Workshops34:59 Distinguishing Sexual from Erotic38:49 About the Institute for Sex Education and Enlightenment40:19 Conclusion and Listener EngagementInterested in a bunch of resources about desire discrepancy? Visit: https://www.desirediscrepancy.comBio:Dr. Rosalyn Dischiavo is the Founder and Director of Institute for Sex Education and Enlightenment, a professional training program for clinicians, therapists and educators. She was President of the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors and Therapists (AASECT) from 2022-2024 and served as Professional Education Steering Committee Chair on the AASECT Board of Directors from 2018-2020. She is the author of “The Deep Yes: The Lost Art of True Receiving.” Roz is a professor, author, an AASECT Certified Sexuality Educator (CSE) and Sex Educator Supervisor (CSES), She has a Master of Arts in Marriage and Family Therapy and a Doctor of Education in Human Sexuality. She was also co-host of a women's interest radio show on TIC FM in Hartford, CT, and brings humor and insight into all of her education.Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.comThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comPodcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass

In this episode of the Better Sex Podcast, host and sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman delves into the power of positivity and its impact on sexual relationships. Discussing common struggles faced by couples, Jessa emphasizes the importance of shifting focus from negative feelings to cultivating hope and enthusiasm. She shares her own journey into sex therapy and provides expert advice on making sex a joyful and light-hearted part of life. Jess encourages listeners to envision a future where sex is easy, natural, and fun, and offers resources through her platform 'Intimacy with Ease' to help achieve this transformation.00:00 Introduction to Better Sex Podcast00:45 The Power of Positivity in Sex Life01:22 Understanding the Struggles in Sexual Relationships03:08 Creating Hope and Positivity05:24 Envisioning a Positive Sexual Relationship06:00 Taking Action Towards Improvement07:43 Resources for Transformation08:03 Conclusion and Listener EngagementWant to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.comThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comPodcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass