Why Men Double Down When Home Gets Hard with Todd Sarner

Sam Jacobs, founder and CEO of Pavilion and Wall Street Journal bestselling author of Kind Folks Finish First, spent decades hoping for the family he now has. Sam joins host Jeff Hittner to share what it feels like to become a first-time dad in his late 40s, and how he balances heavy travel, a global business, and a toddler.Sam also opens up about the anxiety of waiting for fatherhood, why his ambition now feels warmer, what it’s like leaving a young child for weeks at a time, and the “high participation, low attachment” mindset he tries to bring home.KEY TAKEAWAYS[00:00] Some wishes truly fulfill you when they finally arrive, especially one you’ve held for decades.[05:00] Waiting for fatherhood brought real anxiety, and repeating “I’m a family man” helped him hold on.[10:00] Ambition doesn’t fade with family, it gets warmer, shifting from personal glory to building safety for loved ones.[14:00] Weighing many short trips against a few long ones, he chose fewer, bigger trips to protect family time.[17:00] Time away can mean a few days of reconnecting, and it’s okay to miss each other.[26:00] The goal is raising happy adults rather than happy kids, which means letting them struggle and grow resilient.[37:00] Remembering that he’s living what he once prayed for helps him step out of work anxiety.RESOURCESSign Up for the Ambitious Dads Newsletter:https://www.ambitiousdads.comConnect with Jeff Hittner:https://jeffhittner.comSubscribe on:Apple Podcasts:https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/ambitious-dads/id1815863328Spotify:https://open.spotify.com/show/4xCHG30Ms9wcGRJmDqHcW8?si=46654ba2a0654099YouTube:https://www.youtube.com/@AmbitiousDads

Todd Sarner, licensed therapist and founder of Transformative Parenting, has coached more than 2,400 parents over 23 years, and many of the fathers he works with are high achievers who struggle at home. Todd joins host Jeff Hittner to explain why the skills that win at work can backfire in relationships, and what to do about it.Todd also unpacks defensive detachment, why “I’m doing this for my family” can become a shield, and how a father’s role shifts as his kids grow, plus the early warning signs many men miss until a marriage is already in trouble.KEY TAKEAWAYS[00:00] Young adults facing an uncertain job market need inner resilience more than a perfect plan.[07:00] A father’s special obligation is making sure his child has access to nurturing energy.[22:00] Solving problems fast wins at work but fails at home, where relationships run on a different operating system.[28:00] Acting like you don’t care is often defensive detachment, because caring is vulnerable and caring can hurt.[30:00] Many dads work more than they need to because work offers a faster feedback loop than family.[40:00] Boys with a detached father often adopt that template for fatherhood unless they consciously explore another.[46:00] Men tend to ignore the knocking and double down on doing, though the early signs are usually there.Listen to the full episode for Todd’s take on positive masculine leadership at home, and why changing doesn’t require a personality transplant.RESOURCESSign Up for the Ambitious Dads Newsletter:https://www.ambitiousdads.comConnect with Jeff Hittner:https://jeffhittner.comSubscribe on:Apple Podcasts:https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/ambitious-dads/id1815863328Spotify:https://open.spotify.com/show/4xCHG30Ms9wcGRJmDqHcW8?si=46654ba2a0654099YouTube:https://www.youtube.com/@AmbitiousDads

Hrishi Pendse, former captain of India’s national rugby team, retired from professional sport to become the primary caregiver to his twins. Hrishi joins host Jeff Hittner from Australia to reflect on how his approach to fatherhood has evolved, from unstructured park days to co-parenting with his ex-wife and rediscovering his ambition.Hrishi also shares why being gentle on yourself matters, how he handles twins who fight at home but stand united outside it, and the surprisingly simple tools he has collected along the way, including a well-practiced look.KEY TAKEAWAYS[00:00] Great fatherhood still comes down to time, but as kids grow, talking and listening matter just as much.[04:00] Elite sport teaches you to hide your feelings, while parenting asks you to talk about them.[06:00] Even when you mess up, showing up earns you a fresh start tomorrow, so be gentle on yourself.[11:00] Time spent beats activity planned: even a pile of wood chips can fill a whole afternoon.[15:00] Divorce can feel like a car crash, but keeping the kids at the center keeps co-parenting steady.[28:00] A calm, practiced look can end the nonsense faster than raising your voice.[33:00] Moving from professional sport to a corporate career took about two years, and leaning on others made it bearable.Listen to the full episode for Hrishi’s tool belt approach to parenting, and why he says it all comes down to T-I-M-E.RESOURCESSign Up for the Ambitious Dads Newsletter:https://www.ambitiousdads.comConnect with Jeff Hittner:https://jeffhittner.comSubscribe on:Apple Podcasts:https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/ambitious-dads/id1815863328Spotify:https://open.spotify.com/show/4xCHG30Ms9wcGRJmDqHcW8?si=46654ba2a0654099YouTube:https://www.youtube.com/@AmbitiousDads

Alex Kopelman, co-founder and CEO of Children’s Arts Guild and author of For Real, spent years unlearning the shame and expectations he absorbed growing up before becoming a father at 45. Alex joins host Jeff Hittner to share how that journey shaped his approach to raising his daughter as her authentic self.Alex also digs into how a parent’s own stress shapes their kids, why he swapped “be careful” for “be mindful,” and how to separate your own definition of success from the interests your children actually have.KEY TAKEAWAYS[00:00] Arriving as a refugee with no English forced him to build an identity from scratch, shaping his life’s work.[04:00] A weekly men’s group, now 35 years strong, became the anchor for questions no role model ever answered.[09:00] Raising a child stirs up your own childhood triggers, and mindfulness creates space between reaction and response.[11:00] Silent parental stress still reaches kids, which is why managing your own state matters as much as your words.[21:00] Swapping “be careful” for “be mindful” keeps parental anxiety out of everyday language.[32:00] Letting kids lead means learning their interests first, then separating your own definition of success from theirs.[35:00] Your real ambition for your kids may simply be a life that feels right to them, built on their terms.Listen to the full episode for Alex’s frameworks on practicing wholeness and parenting from a place of love, plus why authenticity starts with the adult in the room.RESOURCESSign Up for the Ambitious Dads Newsletter:https://www.ambitiousdads.comConnect with Jeff Hittner:https://jeffhittner.comSubscribe on:Apple Podcasts:https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/ambitious-dads/id1815863328Spotify:https://open.spotify.com/show/4xCHG30Ms9wcGRJmDqHcW8?si=46654ba2a0654099YouTube:https://www.youtube.com/@AmbitiousDads

Mike Miller, an HR executive, raised three children largely on his own and is now a grandfather. Mike joins host Jeff Hittner to share what actually stuck as his kids grew into adults, from moving across the country after loss to rethinking how he parented once they hit their teens.Mike also gets candid about defining success for each child individually, why the behavior you reward gets repeated, and how he stays close to adult kids whose politics differ from his own.KEY TAKEAWAYS[00:00] Normal is whatever you build, and a nontraditional family can thrive just as well as the one next door.[09:00] Borrowing good examples and parenting by opposite example can fill the gaps when your own parents weren’t able to.[10:00] The behavior that gets rewarded gets repeated, a simple mantra that still guides his parenting decades later.[17:00] Kids learn from the whole person, including how you treat colleagues, not just the voice you save for them.[22:00] Pausing on your definition of success makes room for each child’s own passion, from nursing to country music.[29:00] Teens need bullet points, not the full lecture: let them talk it out, then help put their thoughts in order.[35:00] Kids raised to think for themselves may land far from your politics, so lead with what you share.Listen to the full episode for Mike’s take on giving yourself grace, adapting as your kids grow, and why he’d play a little more and pick up a little less.RESOURCESSign Up for the Ambitious Dads Newsletter:https://www.ambitiousdads.comConnect with Jeff Hittner:https://jeffhittner.comSubscribe on:Apple Podcasts:https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/ambitious-dads/id1815863328Spotify:https://open.spotify.com/show/4xCHG30Ms9wcGRJmDqHcW8?si=46654ba2a0654099YouTube:https://www.youtube.com/@AmbitiousDads

For the first time on the Ambitious Dads Podcast, Jeff Hittner hands over the microphone.Eighteen months after his marriage ended, Jeff asks his friend, Ambitious Dads' very first guest Robert Mulhall, to interview him about a part of his life he hasn't spoken about publicly until now. It's a conversation about what came after his lifelong vision of family was altered: the fear of what separation might do to his boys, the loss of the family he thought he was building, learning to co-parent after no longer being partners, and figuring out who he is during the weeks his children aren't with him.Jeff opens up about the shame he still carries around divorce, the support system he deliberately built when his ex-wife moved out, the surprising joys of parenting his boys alone, and why 18 months later he doesn't think separation simply "gets easier." It evolves. KEY TAKEAWAYS[02:00] The two things Jeff felt he was losing weren't only his marriage: they were his identity and the vision he'd carried his entire life of what his family would look like.[05:30] How Jeff and his ex-wife prepared their young boys for the separation, including therapy, a carefully planned conversation, two nearby homes, and an intentional transition into 50/50 parenting.[11:00] Putting the kids first sometimes meant slowing his own healing and asking one question before communicating with his ex: What actually needs to be said for the sake of our children?[14:00] A monthly two-hour beach walk became an unexpectedly powerful co-parenting practice for handling the conversations they still disagree about.[18:00] The hardest day of the week is still the day Jeff hands his boys over, and the empty apartment afterward has forced him to confront who he is when he isn't actively parenting.[24:00] The shame underneath divorce: not simply "my marriage ended," but the much harder fear, "Did I fail my children?"[30:00] How seemingly small language choices can keep children from feeling responsible for a parent's sadness or guilty for missing the other parent.[34:00] The unexpected gift of solo parenting: clearer priorities, deeper confidence as a dad, and stretches of completely undivided time with his boys.[37:00] Why being committed to a healthy co-parenting relationship doesn't mean abandoning boundaries that protect your own healing.[39:00] Jeff's advice to parents in the thick of separation: deliberately build a support system, stop grading your healing week by week, and don't force yourself to solve what life will look like years from now.[44:00] Sometimes crying doesn't mean you're going backward. Sometimes you're simply sad, and sadness needs somewhere to leave the body.Listen to the full episode for an honest conversation about separation, co-parenting, identity, grief, and building a different kind of family without giving up on being the father you want to be.RESOURCESSign Up for the Ambitious Dads Newsletter:https://www.ambitiousdads.comConnect with Jeff Hittner:https://jeffhittner.comSubscribe on:Apple Podcasts:https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/ambitious-dads/id1815863328Spotify:https://open.spotify.com/show/4xCHG30Ms9wcGRJmDqHcW8?si=46654ba2a0654099YouTube:https://www.youtube.com/@AmbitiousDads

Eran Arbel, director of talent acquisition at Florida International University, grew up the son of an Israeli diplomat, moving to a new country every few years and never quite putting down roots. Eran joins host Jeff Hittner to share how that childhood shaped his mission to give his own kids the stability he never had, and why raising two teenagers who took completely different paths taught him the hardest lesson in parenting: their journey isn't yours to control.Eran also opens up about the separation that began just as COVID hit, how week-on, week-off parenting became an unexpected gift that made him more confident at home and at work, and why he traded "because I said so" for the coaching mindset he uses with his team.KEY TAKEAWAYS[02:00] Two kids raised in the same house by the same parents took completely different paths, and each one needed a different kind of dad.[08:00] Letting kids go on their own journey, not the path you're comfortable with, was advice he heard long before he could actually follow it.[11:00] A pointed question from his then-wife forced him to choose between having a relationship with his daughter and being the dad who tells her what to do.[13:00] A separation at the height of COVID turned week-on, week-off parenting into his first real stretch of undivided time with his kids.[20:00] One comment in a divorce support group became his vow to treat the hardest chapter of his life as a fresh start, for himself and his kids.[23:00] Bringing home the coaching skills he uses at work changed how he guides his teenagers toward their own best choices.[28:00] A flat-tire call from his daughter in downtown Miami became a real-time test of choosing calm support over the old lecture.Listen to the full episode for Eran's take on acceptance, intentional fatherhood, and why every dad needs a plan for his family.RESOURCES MENTIONEDFlorida International University, where Eran leads talent acquisition:https://www.fiu.eduSign Up for the Ambitious Dads Newsletter: https://www.ambitiousdads.comConnect with Jeff Hittner: https://jeffhittner.comSubscribe on:Apple Podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/ambitious-dads/id1815863328Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/4xCHG30Ms9wcGRJmDqHcW8?si=46654ba2a0654099YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@AmbitiousDads

John Barrows, founder of JB Sales, spent a decade as a "weekend dad," flying the world to build his business while his wife held down the home front. John joins host Jeff Hittner to share how co-writing a children's book with his daughter, Charlotte, became his way back into her world, and why sales taught him the one thing every parent needs most: curiosity over fixing.John also opens up about the daily ritual he built with his daughter to teach grit and self-control, the ego he'd hidden behind "I'm doing this for my family," and why so many dads feel too isolated to talk about their real struggles.KEY TAKEAWAYS[00:00] Co-writing a kids' book with his daughter became the bridge for finally explaining what "sales" actually means.[08:00] Balancing guidance with independence keeps him up at night, wanting to teach without overriding his daughter's own path.[13:00] A daily ritual built around effort, attitude, and how you treat others became the family's go-to formula for resilience.[22:00] A blunt line from a business coach forced him to admit the real reason he traveled so much wasn't fully about family.[24:00] COVID became an unexpected forcing function that shifted him from weekend dad to daily presence at pickup and dinner.[31:00] Curiosity, not fixing, is the instinct he has to consciously choose every time his daughter brings him a problem.[41:00] Most dads stay quiet about real struggles because they fear judging, or being judged for, the people they love most.Listen to the full episode for John's take on curiosity, presence, and building a family culture where effort and empathy come first.RESOURCES MENTIONEDJB Sales, John's sales training and consulting company:https://www.jbarrows.comSign Up for the Ambitious Dads Newsletter: https://www.ambitiousdads.comConnect with Jeff Hittner: https://jeffhittner.comSubscribe on:Apple Podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/ambitious-dads/id1815863328Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/4xCHG30Ms9wcGRJmDqHcW8?si=46654ba2a0654099YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@AmbitiousDads

Armin Brott, Mr. Dad, has spent nearly 25 years giving fathers the tools and role models he never had. A former Marine and father of three adult children, Armin joins host Jeff Hittner to unpack why progress for dads has stalled, and why the "toxic masculinity" conversation misses the point.Armin also digs into the real business case for paternity leave, the double standard men face around emotion and mental health, and what changes (and what stubbornly doesn't) about single fatherhood since he wrote the book on it.KEY TAKEAWAYS[00:00] Twenty years in, the progress toward equal footing for dads and moms still hasn't arrived, and it's a shared failure.[05:00] Guys who want more time with family need to make the business case to their employers, not just ask for it.[12:00] A stranger's suspicious glare in a park became the moment that changed his entire career path.[17:00] Calling all masculinity toxic misses the real problem, how boys are taught which emotions are allowed.[23:00] Men get postpartum depression too, and ignoring it to focus only on mom leaves fathers stuck.[32:00] Single fatherhood is exhausting and isolating in ways he didn't expect, but it also gave him an unfiltered closeness with his kids.[40:00] A father's role keeps changing, from the one who knows everything to the one who waits to be asked.Listen to the full episode to hear Armin's take on why involved fatherhood is ultimately a shared win for the whole family, not just the kids.RESOURCES MENTIONEDMr. Dad, Armin's site and syndicated "Ask Mr. Dad" column for fathers: https://mrdad.comSign Up for the Ambitious Dads Newsletter: https://www.ambitiousdads.comConnect with Jeff Hittner: https://jeffhittner.comSubscribe on:Apple Podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/ambitious-dads/id1815863328Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/4xCHG30Ms9wcGRJmDqHcW8?si=46654ba2a0654099YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@AmbitiousDads

Jamie Hogg, founder of Leadership & Co, knows firsthand that fatherhood rarely comes with a blueprint. As a married gay father raising two young children through adoption, Jamie joins host Jeff Hittner to unpack the intentionality, uncertainty, and growth that shaped his path into parenthood.Jamie also opens up about the unspoken bias he's faced as a working father, the crisis of confidence every new parent feels, and how raising two kids of color has deepened his empathy, both at home and as a leader.KEY TAKEAWAYS[00:00] Two gay dads had no built-in playbook for parenthood, so they built their own from scratch.[07:00] Transracial adoption added a layer of isolation that even close friends and family couldn't fully understand.[09:00] Raising a child of color means preparing for a world that will see him differently as he grows.[11:00] Believing parenting would come naturally can set up a painful reckoning once it doesn't.[22:00] Returning to work after having kids exposed a strange, unspoken bias about who's really doing the caregiving.[25:00] Self-care and time away still feel like guilt trips he hasn't fully learned to release.[30:00] Choosing to be raw and unguarded with his kids is reshaping how he shows up as a leader.Listen to the full episode to hear Jamie's approach to co-parenting, self-care, and building an authentic, integrated version of fatherhood.Sign Up for the Ambitious Dads Newsletter: https://www.ambitiousdads.comConnect with Jeff Hittner: https://jeffhittner.comSubscribe on:Apple Podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/ambitious-dads/id1815863328Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/4xCHG30Ms9wcGRJmDqHcW8?si=46654ba2a0654099YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@AmbitiousDads