156. Beyond Good and Bad: Rethinking Your Feelings After Infidelity

In this reflective episode, Luke explores why some people feel easy and others feel impossible, and how much of that is shaped by our beliefs. Drawing on intuition/gut feeling, judgement, and old wounds, he unpacks how the brain filters reality, why we mistake interpretations for facts, and what changes when we separate feelings from the ego’s instant verdict. This is a practical reset: notice the story, strip back to facts, and choose the response that serves you now. Key Takeaways Beliefs = repeated thoughts. We keep thinking something until it feels “true”, then stop questioning it. We don’t feel what “they” make us feel; we feel our interpretation. Two people can meet the same person and have different reactions — that’s the lens, not the person. Feelings aren’t good or bad. They’re wanted/unwanted and context-appropriate (e.g., grief is appropriate after loss). Ego labels them and pushes us to react/avoid. Old wounds get re-triggered. The body “remembers” past pain; current reactions can be echoes, not matches, to the present moment. Progress is easy to miss. If you never look back, you’ll believe you haven’t moved. Audit your changes. Power move: return to facts, question the narrative, and choose the response that helps Future-You. Try This (micro-exercises) Catch the cue: Notice “I can’t / I don’t / that’s just who I am.” That’s a belief flag. Fact filter: Write the bare facts of a trigger (no adjectives). Then write your story. Separate them. Clean slate check: If you’d never met this person/situation before, what else could be true? Feelings audit: Name what you feel, then ask: “Is this wanted here? If not, what’s the smallest useful action?” Connect with Luke: Website: www.lifecoachluke.com Instagram: @mylifecoachluke Email: [email protected] Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

Sometimes, after betrayal, the path forward feels overwhelming. There are countless emotions, opinions from friends and family, and a constant urge to predict what the future might look like. In this episode, Luke goes back to basics. He shares his own story of moving through separation and divorce, and how he began rebuilding his life by focusing on what he could control, letting go of what he couldn’t, and learning to get comfortable with discomfort. If you’re in the early days after betrayal, or even years down the line but still struggling to find stability, this episode will remind you that healing doesn’t start with having all the answers. It starts with noticing what’s true right now, and building trust in yourself one decision at a time. Key Takeaways Healing begins by getting clear on what you can control, and letting go of what you can’t. Emotions in the aftermath of betrayal swing rapidly, like a pendulum, and that’s normal. Supportive, non-judgmental friends or journaling can help ground chaotic thoughts. You don’t need to predict the future; making decisions in the present rebuilds self-trust. The goal isn’t to eliminate pain, but to get comfortable with it so it no longer controls you. Connect with Luke: Website: www.lifecoachluke.com Instagram: @mylifecoachluke Email: [email protected] Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

Contempt is one of the most corrosive emotions in any relationship, and after betrayal, it shows up on both sides. The betrayed partner may see the unfaithful as beneath respect. The unfaithful partner may grow contemptuous of how long healing takes. Either way, contempt is the silent killer of connection, intimacy, and empathy. In this episode, Luke explores what contempt really is, how it differs from resentment, why it so often takes root after infidelity, and why it makes reconciliation almost impossible if left unaddressed. You’ll also hear why contempt usually requires outside help to shift, and what it takes to eradicate it before it destroys the possibility of repair. Key Takeaways Resentment says “I’m hurt.” Contempt says “You’re beneath me.” The difference matters. Betrayed partners often fall into contempt when painful thoughts harden into a permanent narrative. Unfaithful partners may develop contempt out of shame and frustration when healing takes longer than they want. Contempt blinds us to itself, which is why outside support is often essential for change. Intimacy, empathy, and repair can’t survive contempt, it must be eradicated, not managed. Connect with Luke: Website: www.lifecoachluke.com Instagram: @mylifecoachluke Email: [email protected] Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

In the aftermath of infidelity, accountability is often the missing piece. Too often, the betrayed partner is left carrying the heavy work of healing while the unfaithful partner minimises, avoids, or even gets a free pass from professionals who should know better. But without accountability, there can be no real repair. In this episode, Luke explores what accountability actually looks like, why it’s so often resisted, and why shame, vulnerability, and societal conditioning make it so difficult. He also unpacks how accountability links to breaking painful intergenerational cycles, and why the betrayed partner’s need for balance must be taken seriously. Key Takeaways Accountability is not endless self-punishment, it’s owning your choices, acknowledging the harm caused, and committing to change. Shame often blocks accountability; separating actions from identity can make it possible. Betrayed partners frequently do the heavy lifting, but without accountability from the unfaithful partner, the relationship rests on a tilted foundation. Counsellors and support systems sometimes mishandle accountability, either due to cultural factors, poor training, or the betrayed’s lens of pain, but validation and directness are essential. True accountability is about breaking cycles: recognising old wounds, refusing to repeat them, and creating something healthier for the future. Connect with Luke: Website: www.lifecoachluke.com Instagram: @mylifecoachluke Email: [email protected] Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

When infidelity isn’t a one-off, but a repeated pattern, the pain cuts deeper. Serial cheating raises questions not just about what happened, but about who your partner really is, and whether change is even possible. In this episode, Luke explores the often misunderstood world of serial cheaters. What defines them? What signs should you look out for? How should you respond if you discover multiple betrayals? And what message is there for those who find themselves stuck in a cycle of repeated cheating? Whether you’re the betrayed partner trying to make sense of the devastation, or someone recognising these patterns in yourself, this episode brings nuance, clarity, and compassion, without the simplistic labels or societal clichés. Key Takeaways Serial cheating isn’t defined by one mistake, but by a pattern of repeated boundary-crossing and secrecy. Signs include shifting stories, defensiveness, hidden accounts, and blurred boundaries. Labels like “narcissist” are often overused. Real change comes from addressing underlying insecurities, avoidance, or addiction-like behaviours. If you discover serial cheating, focus on facts over fears, observe patterns not promises, and claim your own support and boundaries. For serial cheaters themselves: change is possible, but only with deep honesty, accountability, and willingness to break the cycle. Connect with Luke: Website: www.lifecoachluke.com Instagram: @mylifecoachluke Email: [email protected] Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

What if the questions that keep looping in your mind, the ones you’re too ashamed or exhausted to voice, aren’t just valid, but shared by thousands of others going through betrayal? In this second part of our Q&A series (Listen to episode 146 for the first part), I answer the raw, unfiltered questions that most people keep buried: Why do I feel ashamed in public, even though I did nothing wrong? Why does forgiveness feel like betrayal? How do I stay emotionally present for my children when I’m falling apart? Is it normal to feel like I’m becoming someone I don’t even like? Why do I keep replaying arguments in my head? How do I let go of the life I thought I’d have? Whether you’re early in your healing or quietly carrying it years later, this episode offers grounded insight and compassionate reminders: You’re not broken. You’re not alone. And you don’t have to heal perfectly to heal powerfully. Key Takeaways: Shame after betrayal often lands on the wrong person … you. Social spaces can feel like minefields, but you are allowed to take up space, even in your pain. Forgiveness is not about erasing your experience. It’s not a betrayal of self; it’s a release of emotional tension, done on your timeline. Your children don’t need perfection; they need presence. Emotional honesty and repair do more than false composure ever could. You’re not becoming a worse version of yourself. You’re adapting. And healing means reconnecting with the person you’re becoming, not rushing to return to who you were. Unspoken arguments linger for a reason. The unsaid words still matter, even if you only say them to yourself. Letting go of the old life is not failure. It’s a sacred grief, and a quiet invitation into something new. What question have you been carrying silently through your healing journey? Come share it (or just listen in) over in the Facebook group: Connect with Luke: Website: www.lifecoachluke.com Instagram: @mylifecoachluke Email: [email protected] Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

Triggers after betrayal can feel sudden, overwhelming, and impossible to control. But what if they’re not signs that you’re broken, but signals from your nervous system that you still need safety, care, and attention? In this episode, we break down what a trigger actually is (spoiler: it’s not drama), how it works, and why you don’t need to be trigger-free to be healing. Whether you're rebuilding with your partner or learning to trust yourself again, this episode offers compassion, clarity, and practical steps for staying grounded, even when your body’s screaming otherwise. Key Points / Takeaways: A trigger isn’t weakness, it’s your body remembering pain and asking: “Are we safe yet?” The spiral happens not from the trigger itself, but from the story we tell ourselves after. You can feel a trigger without obeying the fear it brings. Triggers soften when you respond with awareness, not avoidance. Practical steps: Pause. Name it. Locate it in the body. Choose a response that honours you. Healing isn’t about eliminating every trigger, it’s about learning to meet them with gentleness and self-trust. Connect with Luke: Website: www.lifecoachluke.com Instagram: @mylifecoachluke Email: [email protected] Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

When a woman cheats, the cultural narrative often skips over the man left behind. The one quietly carrying the weight. The one told to “move on,” “man up,” or “take it on the chin.” This episode is for him. If you’ve been betrayed by the woman you trusted, if you’re left wrestling with confusion, anger, self-doubt, or shame, this episode gives you language, perspective, and grounding. Join me Luke Shillings, as together I'll guide you to learn: Why her betrayal says more about her pain than your worth. How to stop internalising someone else’s chaos as your reflection. The difference between being chosen… and being used. Why “being strong” isn’t the answer, and what real strength actually looks like. Let this be the reminder: You’re not weak for feeling. You’re not broken for hurting. And you’re not alone in this. 🔑 Key Takeaways Her affair is not evidence of your inadequacy; it’s a reflection of her disconnection. You are not the exception to her behaviour. You’re the next person exposed to it. If you weren’t chosen, it doesn’t mean you weren’t worthy; it means she wasn’t ready to face herself. Real healing centres your story, not just hers. Choosing to feel and process is not weakness; it’s maturity. Connect with Luke: Website: www.lifecoachluke.com Instagram: @mylifecoachluke Email: [email protected] Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

When a man in a committed relationship starts giving you attention, it can feel like lightning in a bottle, powerful, validating, intoxicating. But what if that spark isn’t about love, but escape? In this episode, Luke Shillings speaks directly to the women caught in the shadow of secrecy and fantasy bonds, and to the men who pursue them. Is it real love, or emotional outsourcing? Together, we unpack the truth behind the pursuit, the pain of being the “exception,” and the cost of ignoring your gut. If you’ve ever found yourself waiting in the wings for someone who says they’ll choose you “someday,” this is your invitation to pause, reflect, and reclaim your worth. Key Takeaways Being pursued isn't the same as being chosen, and being chosen isn’t the same as being claimed. You may be fulfilling a function, not being fully embraced for who you are. If he’s still lying to someone else, he’s not choosing you, he’s choosing to avoid himself. Emotional fantasy feels like love but often conceals indecision and avoidance. Intuition is not insecurity; it’s your inner truth trying to protect you. Reflect & Share Have you ever felt emotionally consumed by someone who wasn’t fully available? What was your breaking point, or are you still holding on to hope? Come share your story or reflections with us on Instagram @mylifecoachluke or join the conversation in the After the Affair Facebook community. Connect with Luke: Website: www.lifecoachluke.com Instagram: @mylifecoachluke Email: [email protected] Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

You’ve rebuilt. Or maybe you’ve started again. On the surface, things seem okay, your partner’s doing the work, or your new relationship looks healthy. And yet… something still feels off. Not wrong exactly, just off. In this episode, we explore that subtle unease that often lingers after betrayal, the one that can leave you second-guessing your instincts, your partner, and even yourself. You’ll learn why your body might be picking up on cues your brain hasn’t named yet, and how to tell the difference between fear-based reactions and genuine gut wisdom. 🔑 Key Takeaways: Feeling “off” doesn’t always mean something’s wrong, but it always deserves your attention. After betrayal, it’s normal to feel unsettled even when things look fine on the surface. You don’t need proof to honour your discomfort. Your body is valid evidence. Questions like “Am I responding to now, or to the past?” can help you untangle intuition from trauma. Sensitivity isn’t a flaw. It’s an invitation to deepen your self-trust. Have you ever felt something was off, even when everything looked okay? Tune in and learn how to explore that feeling without spiraling into fear. 🎧 Connect with Luke: Website: www.lifecoachluke.com Instagram: @mylifecoachluke Email: [email protected] Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity