Time Ram 119: Cockroach Xylophone

You've heard of the Long Good Friday? Well, this is the Long New Year's Eve, as Time Ram takes the Thirteenth Doctor's Resolution and reinvents it for the Sixth Doctor. Join Peri's dysfunctional family and a surprisingly waspish Dalek for a discussion of the unsuitability of sewers for archaeology, the Jenny Agutter effect and the beneficial value of Jeyes Fluid as an emollient.

Time Ram enters the depths as we take Peter Capaldi's 'Under the Lake/Before the Flood' and re-cast it with fourth Doctor Tom Baker! In the process, we get to enjoy dodgy blue-screen ghosts, the oculoid tracker and those handles you sometimes get on bathroom doors. We also learn the difference between Paul Kaye and Peter Kay. Educational!

Well, well, well... that's the episode we're tackling this week -The Well - only we'll be swapping the flamboyant Ncuti Gatwa for the differently-flamboyant Colin Baker. Along the way, we'll meet the galaxy's most unlikely space marines, and find Eric Sykes, trapped in a garlic mine run by the Gastropods. Yes, you read that right.

Time Ram flexes its mighty... arts... to bring you tenth Doctor David Tennant starring in the Sylvester McCoy Dr Who story 'Battlefield'. It's time to bring the Brigadier out of retirement one last time, but which one? There's also mother issues, dubious archaeology and plenty of Arthuriana to enjoy. But who could we possibly cast as Morgaine? Place your bets now!

It's a landmark episode for Time Ram, as we take the Fourteenth Doctor David Tennant's 'The Star Beast' and reinvent it for (checks notes) the First Doctor William Hartnell. And since it's a first story, that makes it THE first story. Who is the mysterious old man watching unearthly teenager Susan Foreman? Is he in league with the crab-like creatures hunting Susan's fluffy new pet? You probably know the answer if you've been paying attention for the last 63 years.

Time Ram faces the ultimate dilemma: Hinchcliffe or Williams? Find out what happens when we take the sixth Doctor story 'Vengeance on Varos' and place it in the era of fourth Doctor Tom Baker! Along the way we take in George and Mildred, Betamax and looking like... erm... rude parts. But that's how we roll! Bigger than Jarvis.

Clip! Clop! Clip! Clop! Watch out for that ghostly equine figure behind you as we take the Capaldi classic 'Heaven Sent' and reimagine it with Ncuti Gatwa. Get the tissues ready (no, not for that) as we have emotional reunions with Susan, Inspector Macra and a certain horse. Hmm, it feels like we've been here before...

Time Ram has a hard day's night as we take 'The Devil's Chord' and harmonise it with the fifth Doctor, Peter Davison. Starring Tegan 'Ticket to Ride' Jovanka, drug-peddler Nyssa of Traken, and 'Magic' Adric (aw bless). Oh yeah, and the Beatles. Come together!Guest-starring Jon Arnold.

Gween! The colour for this episode is gween! Join Time Ram in an expedition into the steaming jungles of Central London, as we take Peter Capaldi's 'In the Forest of the Night' and reimagine it with the Second Doctor. Who is Johnny Morris, and does he mean the Doctor and his friends any harm? What does a tiger do when no-one is looking? And why does this story make Baz so very angry?

Time Ram finds itself in Davey Jones' locker as we take Matt Smith's 'The Curse of the Black Spot' and update it to the Ncuti Gatwa era! In the process we discover dodgy story logic, characters who should be dead, characters who shouldn't be dead and a CGI Eileen Way. It's another one of our surprisingly frequent 'Doctor Who does pirates' stories. Aaarr me hearties!