Episode 10: When Life Is Overwhelmingly Difficult

I know. It feels like it’s been ages since I’ve been drumming on about the Academy. But we’ve got 72 hours left, I have a dream of bringing in the students who need to be with us, and… what we’ve got today is a special walkthrough of the Academy—an Open House that I put together to show you what we have in this new version of The Unexpected Shape Writing Academy. If you want to write a memoir, but feel inhibited by limitations such as disability, chronic illness, caregiving responsibilities, or simply the stressors of life, this is the online writing school for you—because we don’t pretend that those things don’t exist. You’ll be in community with other people who get it when you say you built a table for your bed (which I did recently), or that you wrote 100 words today and are celebrating.Do you want to know a secret? We still have several scholarships that haven’t been assigned. If you’re able to afford the tuition—by all means, please do pay. It helps to keep the lights on, and it’s the way we keep this project going. But if you’re financially unable to do it? Please go to http://www.unexpectedshapeacademy.com/scholarships. We may have a place for you. Have a look at the Open House video, and if you’re interested in what you see, please go to http://www.unexpectedshapeacademy.com. We’re waiting for you. ❤️ This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit esmewwang.substack.com/subscribe

There is a need to pin things down, to commemorate a moment. Newsletter writers, essayists, and novelists work to arrange words in a way that expresses something true. Painters use color and tone to evoke sensations that can’t be aroused by anything else. When life is a mess, made strange by family medical crises and political chaos that wrecks lives and terrifies the marginalized, some of us—and I could call us artists, but you can use whatever terminology you want—turn to our chosen medium to capture life as it is or as we want it to be. For years, I only shot film photography. I used a Contax T2 and went through roll after roll. But photography is an expensive hobby, and when my iPhone began to produce images that had people asking me what fancy cameras I was using, I went back to digital. With digital photography, you can take as many images as you wish; you won’t be charged any more for 20 photos as you will for 100. And yet this year, after C was hospitalized, I wanted badly to use film again. I’ve written other things about my relationship with film photography. In times of psychosis, self-portraits with 35mm film and Polaroids provided an anchor as my sense of self drifted away. This year, I’m not so much taking self-portraits as I am chronicling the small things: the abandoned fake eyelashes, my dog pressing her face against the books in my bookshelf as she dozes.In ten years, if I can find these photographs, I’ll remember: oh yes, I did collect cassettes in that epoch of my life, and I kept them behind the door where they were often forgotten. Or: I decided that I wanted my office to have imitation De Gournay wallpaper because I was so besotten by the aesthetics of the limited series “Sharp Objects.” The images are snapped; light presses on film; film is developed in the dark; prints are made (the sour smell of developer, stop bath, fixative) and scanned. And here they are, after all of that work and that delayed gratification: the pictures that determine what 2025 was like for me. There is something different about film photography simply because it is not so easy; there is a preciousness to them as a result of all that work. There’s a reason that I have something like 72,000 photographs on my phone and so few folders of scanned film. It’s not to say that those 72,000 photographs are worthless. But are all of them as precious as something that underwent weeks for an outcome?And yet I also pursue another method of film photography that is instant in its definition: Polaroids, which I’ve been shooting since Polaroid dumped their company and the Impossible Project worked for years to get close to the formula Polaroid guarded like the ingredients to Coca-Cola. Since then, Polaroid has realized that there’s a market for what they made, and they’ve gone back to making it. Some people, as it turns out, want the analog. C bought me a Polaroid camera to replace my ancient SX-70 and a heck of a lot of film. I’ve been experimenting with the new formula, which turns certain shadows black and tends toward yellow tones. Eventually, I’d like to come up with a way to organize the photos that I’m taking. Their file names make no sense in the scheme of things. I need to note them by year. But as I take these photographs, I’m once again bound to the world. I’m grateful for that art that lives aside from my writing, in another part of my brain. It says: Here it is. Here I am. Here it all is, in this moment, in all the moments that are always changing. ❤️10% of the proceeds from each REASONS FOR LIVING newsletter go to an organization of the guest essayist’s choice. I’ve chosen NMDP (formerly Be the Match). NMDP is a global nonprofit leader in cell therapy, helping save the lives of patients with blood cancers and disorders.Please consider donating here. And if I might implore you to do take one more step, please consider signing up for the registry, especially if you’re a BIPOC person (there are far fewer BIPOC donors currently in the registry). It takes no more than mailing in a cheek swab, and you could save a life. Someone took that step, was a match for C, donated their bone marrow (a relatively simple procedure), and saved his life.If you enjoyed this free edition of REASONS FOR LIVING with Esmé Weijun Wang, please consider becoming a paid subscriber. Paid subscribers receive two bonus personal essays from me per month. We have monthly Fireside Chats, which are gatherings to discuss, play, and learn about creativity and limitations. Finally, you’ll receive access to our amazing Creative Resilience Toolkit. Paid subscriptions also help me to pay the bills, as my chronic illness and disabilities prohibit me from working a standard job, and both my husband and I are dealing with chronic illness as he recovers from cancer.Looking at PhotosJesús Cos Caussetranslated from the Spanish by John KeeneDagmaris walking away on the beach.Asunción, her fan, her trim do.Gloria two days before dying.Roberto, pointing to nothing.Idermis behind Oscar, after Jorge.I so far away I almost cannot make myself out.My brother wasting a smile.My aunt as ugly as the word itself.Grandmother in her best days.Grandfather with a festive tie.My father drunk again.My mother like a distantly spilled perfume.Think of a photograph that means a lot to you—it doesn’t have to be one that you’re still in possession of, but it should be one that you can be summoned to mind with ease. Describe the photograph. Why does it mean so much to you, and what does it mean? As always, if you feel like sharing the results of your prompt, please pop it in the comments. And, as always, please feel free to keep your writing as private as you wish. If you enjoyed this free edition of REASONS FOR LIVING with Esmé Weijun Wang, please consider becoming a paid subscriber. Paid subscribers receive two bonus personal essays from me per month. We have monthly Fireside Chats, which are gatherings to discuss, play, and learn about creativity and limitations. Finally, you’ll receive access to our amazing Creative Resilience Toolkit. Paid subscriptions also help me to pay the bills, as my chronic illness and disabilities prohibit me from working a standard job, and both my husband and I are dealing with chronic illness as he recovers from cancer. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit esmewwang.substack.com/subscribe

(Look! It’s a voiceover recording of this newsletter in my real voice!) A few years ago, I was working on my new book at a writers’ and artists’ residency called MacDowell, located in New Hampshire. I asked my friend R, who had been to MacDowell before, if she had any advice for me.“They are so happy to help you,” she said. “If you need anything, anything at all, just ask for it. They'll help you. Nothing is too small. Just ask for it.” “Oh, okay,” I said, “that's great.” Right before I left, R emphasized this again. “Remember that you can ask for anything you want there,” she said. “Anything.” With this in mind, I got to MacDowell, and I was assigned a lovely little cottage with a live-in studio. It had a bed next to two windows, which I would open when it was too warm inside, which was most of the time because of the summer. And because the windows didn't have any screens, mosquitos would fly in, and I’d spend time that I was supposed to be spending writing trying to kill mosquitos. For three weeks, I thought, “Boy, I am spending a lot of time trying unsuccessfully to kill mosquitos!” Without thinking much about it, I brought these itchy trials and tribulations up at dinner... ….and the other writers and artists were horrified because they all had screens in their windows. Mine had been taken out, apparently, to be cleaned and never returned. And even though I'd been told several times that I could ask for ANYTHING IN THE WORLD, probably including Big Macs and a herd of unicorns, I hadn't thought to ask for window screens to keep the mosquitos out.Self-advocacy is important and difficult, especially for those of us with mental health or other chronic health issues. We are often told not to trust our own minds, that we are inferior, and that our opinions don't count. It takes a lot of effort to fight against the constant inner and outer criticism. It takes a lot of practice to build a habit of asking for what we need. Years ago, after I had come out of a very dark point in my life, I started a notebook called "The Care and Keeping of Esmé". It was like a guidebook for myself and the people around me, so we wouldn't have to start from scratch every time things got tough. Easy meals that I could eat. The phone numbers of my health care team. A list of reliable distractions. My husband and I could hand off the notebook to whoever was keeping me company on a given day. In this way, I didn't have to ask for what I needed during a time when I didn't have the energy to ask for it. It was a workaround that worked for us, and I look back at that time and am touched by how badly that past Esmé wanted to continue on, and wanted to continue thriving.Current-day Esmé is still learning about self-advocacy, especially when it comes to situations that I feel I ought to “just live with.” But I’m trying—and I’ll be sure to ask after some window screens, should I find myself once more in a mosquito-filled cottage.My husband’s white blood cell count is currently at zero after seven weeks of hospitaliation, with no end in sight. Consider supporting us and this newsletter by purchasing a paid subscfription to REASONS FOR LIVING with Esmé Weijun Wang. And if you are a paid subscriber, thank you so much. You help us keep the lights on.When it comes to writing memoirs or personal essays, there's a risk we all face: getting lost in the meandering. Listing event after event, feeling after feeling… and ending up with something that may be deeply heartfelt but lacks the clear direction of a true narrative.Here's the truth: agents and editors are looking for stories that feel complete--stories with a compelling shape.That's why I'm thrilled to invite you to The Shape of Your Memoir, a live class happening on January 27. In this class, I'll teach you how to transform your memoir or essay into something extraordinary by looking at its overall shape--whether it's traditional, experimental, or something in between.If you've ever felt like your writing is spinning its wheels, like you're pouring so much of yourself onto the page but still wondering, Where the heck is this thing going?--this is the class for you.Here's what we'll tackle:* How to ensure your writing feels like a complete, compelling story rather than a series of disconnected scenes.* The shapes that memoirs and essays can take--and how to find the one that works for your story.* What agents and editors love to see in manuscripts (and how to make yours stand out).Whether you're brand-new to memoirs or essays or you've been writing for years, The Shape of Your Memoir can completely shift how you approach your work—and possibly the trajectory of your writing career.And the best part? It's an amazing deal at $97, or just $67 if you join The Unexpected Shape Writing Academy.This is the kind of opportunity that could change everything. The kind of class you look back on months or years from now and think, That's when things started to click!!!But here's the catch: there's only one chance to attend, and spots are limited. Don't let this be the email you skip over, only to smack your forehead later when you realize you've missed your chance.Click here to reserve your spot now. And yes, there will be a recording and transcription.I can't wait to see what you create when your memoir or essay has the shape it's been waiting for.P.S. I've left room in the class for both traditional and experimental storytelling styles--so no matter how you approach your work, this class will help you shape it into something unforgettable.* 48 Books by Women of Color to Read in 2025 (Electric Literature)* There Is No Safe Word: How the best-selling fantasy author Neil Gaiman hid the darkest parts of himself for decades. (New York Magazine/Vulture) (ALL THE TRIGGER WARNINGS IN THE WORLD) If you don’t have a subscription and can’t afford one, this link will also work.* I’m obsessed with this Everlane sweater.* I bought one of these compendiums from an Australian company called LH Planner to keep my planner in, and now it’s one of my favorite possessions; I literally go to bed with it by my head. * The Afterlife of Big Ideas in Education Reform (Pacific Standard)My husband’s white blood cell count is currently at zero after seven weeks of hospitaliation, with no end in sight. Consider supporting us and this newsletter by purchasing a paid subscfription to REASONS FOR LIVING with Esmé Weijun Wang. And if you are a paid subscriber, thank you so much. You help us keep the lights on. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit esmewwang.substack.com/subscribe

In Episode 10, Esmé reflects on her life and shares strategies for maintaining her writing, even during challenging times. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit esmewwang.substack.com/subscribe

In this episode, we reflect on Twitter's heyday and its crucial role in fostering literary connections. As Twitter undergoes a transformation to becoming “X”, we explore its impact on the literary community and share insights on alternative platforms. Discover where you can find a new literary haven, including the Unexpected Shape Café at [esmewang.com/links](https://esmewang.com/links), and join our free workshop, "Your Best Nonfiction Topic," at [unexpectedshapeacademy.com](https://unexpectedshapeacademy.com/). Stay connected with the Unexpected Shape Writing Academy as we navigate this changing landscape together.The Mensah Demary essay mentioned in this episode, “In Search of Lost Tweets: On Being a Writer on Twitter,” can be found here:https://electricliterature.com/in-search-of-lost-tweets-on-being-a-writer-on-twitter/ This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit esmewwang.substack.com/subscribe

Esmé talks about a big decision she's recently. made that gets at the big, ongoing question, "Am I allowed to write about this?" This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit esmewwang.substack.com/subscribe

In "I'm Scared to Tell You This," Esmé opens up candidly, sharing both her triumphs and struggles, offering listeners an intimate glimpse into her life's highs and lows. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit esmewwang.substack.com/subscribe

In Episode 6 of The Unexpected Shape Podcast, we delve into the age-old question: "Is social media essential for writers?" Explore the significance of literary citizenship and discover alternative paths to thriving in the literary world without social media. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit esmewwang.substack.com/subscribe

Episode 5: Join Esmé as she delves into harnessing strong emotions for impactful writing. Plus, a sneak peek into Academy 101, empowering aspiring writers with fundamentals. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit esmewwang.substack.com/subscribe

Join host Esmé in Episode 4 as she navigates the writing journey amidst life's challenges. With authenticity and warmth, Esmé shares her strategies for writing during her husband's cancer journey. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit esmewwang.substack.com/subscribe