251. No one shows up for me

Can you think of something you wanted your parents to give you? Comfort, safety, honesty, love, consistency, a calm presence, equality, permission to be yourself… Something you wanted from them that, for whatever reason, they were unable to give. This week’s episode delves into what it’s like to be waiting to be given our heart’s desires from our parents. Whether we’re angry with them for how they treated us, or suspect that they were right and we were the problem, could it be time to take care of the little one inside who feels so abandoned? Could it be time to turn it around and give ourselves what we thought only our parents (or partners, children, and friends) could give us? Join in the group inquiry to notice for yourself.

In this week’s episode we’re exploring the thought, “I am not beautiful.” Can you absolutely know that it’s true that who you are, what you are, is not beautiful? Do you? For many of us, life can become veiled in layers of this thought. Believing ourselves to be unbeautiful brings with it a feeling of being undeserving of good things, so we try to become the best. The best in our career, achievements, relationships, finances… and you know, everything else. But how much of the way we treat ourselves comes from an underlying sense of not being truly, exquisitely, amazingly beautiful in every way? Join the inquiry this week that explores what life is like believing this thought, and conversely, what life becomes without it.

What is it like walking around all day, wanting safety and security from the world? That is this week’s exploration; looking into the true effect of living that way, as if the thought “I need safety in the world” is true. We notice not being able to relax (because that would be dumb and irresponsible), feeling irritable, and being hyper-vigilant all the time. On guard for any danger that might be around the corner. And one of the biggest effects we saw is how it becomes so important what other people think of us. We believe we need approval from other people so that we can have safety. But do we actually need either of those things from the world around us? Let’s check it out.

According to Byron Katie, the order of creation is this: think, feel, act, have. And as Tom points out in this episode, we think according to whatever concept we’re holding to be true. That thinking then becomes our feelings, and we act from the feelings, creating the life we’re living. So it stands to reason that if we’re not liking what we’re living, we could go back to the stressful concepts that direct our thinking and question them. This week’s stressful concept is a subtle conclusion that permeates most of our waking hours: So many things could go wrong. Join in and follow along in the inquiry to glimpse your own insights, or simply listen to the insights shared in this episode.

Do you ever notice living with the thought, “There’s something better than this”? Something better than here, better than now, better than what I’m living… It can become like a white noise machine – on in the background until we forget what silence feels like or that it’s even running at all. In this episode, we explore that silence in the form of being without this thought. And there are some pretty beautiful findings in the experience. One way we notice reacting when we believe there’s something better than what we’re living, is we see mistakes everywhere. We blame our past selves for actions that we believe resulted in us being in a place we don’t want to be in now. But who would we be – even for a moment – without these concepts. How might we see our lives?

This week’s inquiry begins by noticing all the movements of life. Relationships, jobs, houses, cars, kids, wellbeing … everyday stuff. Do you experience any resistance just hearing that list? If you do, we invite you to follow along with an inquiry on the likely cause of that stress: believing the thought, “I have to keep it all going.” Is it true? Can you absolutely know that it’s true? Does this thought bring peace or stress into your life? If it’s stressful, it might be worth a second look.

This week’s episode holds space for one of the main fears that can come up when we’re experimenting with inquiry and getting free: the fear of being insensitive. As Tom points out, deep down nobody wants to be insensitive to the suffering that goes on in this world. And when we reach states of openness and freedom ourselves, sometimes the fear that shows up is hurting other people by not joining them in their misery. Through a vulnerable health-related share and an exploration into the possibility that everything – everything – works out in the best way possible, that sparks the conversation about how sensitivity fits into the equation of personal liberation, we invite you to join in on The Work.

Do you notice within yourself a tendency to approach life from a place of resistance? Resistance to what you don’t want to experience, resistance to what appears to oppose you, or resistance in its other form: effort. Often we hold tightly to resistance as if it’s the only thing between us and utter disaster. Or just living an experience we don’t like. But could it be that our resistance is the only thing between us and relaxation? And that the only thing effort truly brings into our lives is stress? As Katie says, don’t believe it. Find out for yourself. Follow along in this week’s episode exploring our habit of resistance.

“If I receive, I owe something in return.” This thought is drilled into us from the very beginning with the teaching of “pleases” and “thank yous,” but is it true? It can be so easy to slip into the current of belief in this thought, because that’s the way the world seems to work. But might it work differently if we didn’t believe that receiving and owing go hand-in-hand? And more importantly, what is it like on a personal level believing that it’s true that we can’t receive without owing something in return? Could it be that nature doesn’t live by rules of owing and earning? Have any of us ever actually earned the incredible abundance of the sun? Or the devotion of the chair that holds us up? Maybe those are clues to the nature of life, and therefore the nature of us.

Byron Katie does not want people’s approval. She has no interest in manipulating people out of the way they see her. She wants them to think the way they think. According to Katie, that’s love. In this episode, Tom guides a meditation around noticing wanting approval. Noticing what it’s like living in the world of holding tightly to that desire, and noticing what it’s like being free of it. Could it be that it doesn’t matter what anyone is thinking about me? We invite you to follow along in this inquiry with situations in your own life where you notice attachment to being approved of.