421. Hating yourself will get you nowhere

Why do we become obsessed with people who don't want us back? Even when we know it will never work? Even when we know there's no convincing them? In this episode, we unpack the psychology behind unrequited love, limerence, longing, and the irresistible pull of unavailable people, including: The neuroscience of craving, attraction, and obsession How intermittent reinforcement keeps us emotionally hooked Jacques Lacan's "object of desire" theory Why high achievers often struggle with unrequited love The role of limerence, fantasy, and idealisation The Zeigarnik Effect and our need for closure Practical strategies to finally move on and let go Creating your own closure when none is given Plus so so much more  If you've ever found yourself unable to stop thinking about someone who doesn't feel the same way, this episode is for you. Together, we'll explore why it happens, what it reveals about us, and how to break free from the cycle Watch on Netflix: HERE Follow Jemma on Instagram: @jemmasbeg Follow the podcast on Instagram: @thatpsychologypodcast Subscribe on Substack: @thepsychologyofyour20s For business: [email protected] The Psychology of your 20s is not a substitute for professional mental health help. If you are struggling, distressed or require personalised advice, please reach out to your doctor or a licensed psychologist.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

We all have something about our behaviour or our lives we really want to change. But every time we go to try, we find we lose motivation very quickly and end up back where we started with the behaviour still in tact. Whether it's quitting smoking, exercising more, wanting to eat healthier, sleep better, stop gossiping, be a better partner; bad habits usually all have the same psychology.  In today's episode we invited on Harvard-trained behavioural scientist & BCG Managing Director, Julia Dhar, to give us the step by step guide to changing bad habits. We talk about:  Where bad habits come from?  Why bad habits stick? What's happening in our brain when we can't quit a bad habit? The 3 principles of behaviour change you need to know to change  How to help OTHERS change when they don't want to? Why your approach to failing will determine if you're successful  Plus much more!  Happy listening!  Buy Julia's book here: How Change Really Works Watch her TedTalk here: How to Disagree Productively  Watch on Netflix: HERE Follow Jemma on Instagram: @jemmasbeg Follow the podcast on Instagram: @thatpsychologypodcast Subscribe on Substack: @thepsychologyofyour20s For business: [email protected]   See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Your hobbies may be just as important as your friendships in your 20s. But whilst you may dedicate 10-15 hours a week to your friends, most of us can go a week or two without actually performing our hobbies. Why is that, and what is the consequence?In today's episode we break down the psychology of why our hobbies are so important, including:  The debate around what makes a hobby  How many hobbies do you actually need?  How much time should you spend doing your hobbies?  The Rule of Four for hobbies The psychological benefits  The 3 major reasons we struggle to perform our hobbies How to find time, inspiration and motivation for your hobbies, and more Listen now if you want to make more of your leisure time!  Follow Jemma on Instagram: @jemmasbeg Follow the podcast on Instagram: @thatpsychologypodcast For business: [email protected]  The Psychology of your 20s is not a substitute for professional mental health help. If you are struggling, distressed or require personalised advice, please reach out to your doctor or a licensed psychologist.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

We’re all familiar with the story of the boy who wouldn’t grow up: Peter Pan. But when someone displays similar traits in real life - issues with commitment, responsibilities, and adulting in general - they might be experiencing what’s referred to as Peter Pan Syndrome. In this episode, we break down the psychology of Peter Pan Syndrome, including why it happens, the frustration it causes those in its orbit, and how to learn to grow up - at last. We unpack: • The key characteristics of Peter Pan Syndrome• Why being coddled or never disciplined as a child can lead to struggles with ‘adulting’ • How ‘Wendy Syndrome’ can act as an enabler for Peter Pan Syndrome• What it feels like to date someone with Peter Pan Syndrome• How to overcome Peter Pan Syndrome Watch on Netflix: HERE Follow Jemma on Instagram: @jemmasbeg Follow the podcast on Instagram: @thatpsychologypodcast Subscribe on Substack: @thepsychologyofyour20s For business: [email protected]  Our favourite sources: www.health.clevelandclinic.org/peter-pan-syndrome https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/how-do-life/201605/the-peter-pan-syndrome  https://citeseerx.ist.psu.edu/viewdoc/download?doi=10.1.1.1006.8462&rep=rep1&type=pdf The Psychology of your 20s is not a substitute for professional mental health help. If you are struggling, distressed or require personalised advice, please reach out to your doctor or a licensed psychologist.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Being your own harshest critic can feel productive, protective, even familiar, but over time, it becomes less of a motivator and more of a cage. In this episode, we explore the psychology of self-hatred - where it begins, how it becomes a deeply ingrained, and what it actually steals from us over time.  We explore: •        How early experiences shape the inner critic•        Why self-hatred can feel protective•        The myth of cruelty as a motivator•        The neural pattern of self-hatred•        The role of self sabotaging•        6 practical tips to build a better relationship with yourself Watch on Netflix: HERE Follow Jemma on Instagram: @jemmasbeg Follow the podcast on Instagram: @thatpsychologypodcast Subscribe on Substack: @thepsychologyofyour20s For business: [email protected]  Our favourite sources: https://bpspsychub.onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/j.2044-8341.2011.02044.x https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/0146167211410246 https://psycnet.apa.org/doiLanding?doi=10.1037%2Fa0033904 The Psychology of your 20s is not a substitute for professional mental health help. If you are struggling, distressed or require personalised advice, please reach out to your doctor or a licensed psychologist.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Weed can be relaxing, funny, creative, and social - until it isn’t. In this episode, we look at what weed is actually doing in the brain, why it can calm one person and overwhelm another, and how it can change from something enjoyable into something we start leaning on for out emotional wellbeing. We explore:•        What actually happens to our brains when we’re high•        What THC and CBD actually are, and how they differ•        Why weed can make some people anxious, hungry, or more creative•        When weed becomes less about fun and more about coping, avoidance, or escape•        How smoking can shape memory, motivation, and everyday connection•        The signs your relationship with weed might be changing Watch on Netflix: HERE Follow Jemma on Instagram: @jemmasbeg Follow the podcast on Instagram: @thatpsychologypodcast Subscribe on Substack: @thepsychologyofyour20s For business: [email protected]  Our favourite sources: https://hms.harvard.edu/news-events/publications-archive/brain/cannabis-brain https://www.cambridge.org/core/journals/nutrition-research-reviews/article/endocannabinoid-system-and-appetite-relevance-for-food-reward/30C65E719848770761B6BEA7D0C1E9CB https://jamanetwork.com/journals/jamanetworkopen/fullarticle/2829657 https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1002/brb3.71102 The Psychology of your 20s is not a substitute for professional mental health help. If you are struggling, distressed or require personalised advice, please reach out to your doctor or a licensed psychologist.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

When we’re detached from our emotions, things can feel a little… flat. But though our brain might be trying to protect us from harm, emotionally detaching stops us from being able to appreciate the true richness of life. In this episode, we’ll unpack why emotional blunting occurs, the ways we might be avoiding our true emotions, and look at some ways to actually start to process your emotions. We explore: • Why we’re bad at feeling what we’re feeling • The hidden strategies we use to push our emotions away • How maladaptive coping mechanisms can cause us long-term harm• Why most emotions are actually driven by fear • How we can more effectively process our emotions  Watch on Netflix: HERE Follow Jemma on Instagram: @jemmasbeg Follow the podcast on Instagram: @thatpsychologypodcast Subscribe on Substack: @thepsychologyofyour20s For business: [email protected]  Our favourite sources:  https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/12916575/https://positivepsychology.com/maladaptive-coping/https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/basics/intellectualization The Psychology of your 20s is not a substitute for professional mental health help. If you are struggling, distressed or require personalised advice, please reach out to your doctor or a licensed psychologist.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Endless studies show that the strength of our relationships is the biggest indicator for our happiness and wellbeing. So when we fall out with a friend, it can feel absolutely devastating, and leave us wondering how to repair and reconnect. In this episode, we explore why friendship break-ups can be more painful than romantic ones, how our ego gets in the way of reconnecting, and ways that we can rebuild a fractured friendship. We explore: • The different types of friendship fallouts• Why avoiding conflict can actually be a form of control • How to reach out after a conflict • The importance of recognising when you do - and don’t - want to be friends again • Why listening is often the best way to be heard Watch on Netflix: HERE Follow Jemma on Instagram: @jemmasbeg Follow the podcast on Instagram: @thatpsychologypodcast Subscribe on Substack: @thepsychologyofyour20s For business: [email protected]  Our favourite sources: https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/11894851/https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/tech-happy-life/202101/why-is-it-so-hard-admit-when-we-are-wronghttps://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC8573342/ The Psychology of your 20s is not a substitute for professional mental health help. If you are struggling, distressed or require personalised advice, please reach out to your doctor or a licensed psychologist.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

In our 20s, we can feel intense pressure to be extraordinary, to stand head and shoulders above the pack, to thrive across all aspects of our life. But when we put pressure on ourselves to be extraordinary, we can fall victim to social comparison, lose sight of what we really want, and experience long-term feelings of inadequacy. In this episode, unpack where the pressure to be extraordinary comes from, and reframe our thinking towards a healthier, more balanced approach. We explore: • How social media creates an ‘artificial average’, making us feel inadequate • Why being gifted as a child can lead to burnout as an adult • The myth of linear success, and why taking a scenic route is just as worthy • Why learned helplessness can make us stop trying at all • How we can expand our definition of being ‘extraordinary’ into many areas• Why our relationships, not our work achievements, are the biggest predictor of long-term happiness Watch on Netflix: HERE Follow Jemma on Instagram: @jemmasbeg Follow the podcast on Instagram: @thatpsychologypodcast Subscribe on Substack: @thepsychologyofyour20s For business: [email protected]  Our favourite sources:  https://www.theguardian.com/sport/2020/nov/05/under-pressure-why-athletes-choke https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8KkKuTCFvzI https://paulasanderson.com/2020/12/04/30-under-30-and-the-pressure-to-be-extraordinary/ The Psychology of your 20s is not a substitute for professional mental health help. If you are struggling, distressed or require personalised advice, please reach out to your doctor or a licensed psychologist.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Anxiety has a way of making ordinary moments feel life-or-death. A simple interaction can feel significant, a passing thought can spiral into catastrophe, and your body can react as if something is deeply wrong - even when rationally you know you’re probably okay. In this episode, we get into the neuroscience behind anxiety - why your brain becomes obsessed with certain thoughts, why false alarms feel so convincing, and what actually helps when you want to feel less trapped inside your own mind. We explore: •        Why anxiety feels so intense and urgent•        Our physical and emotional reactions to anxiety•        The role of GABA and glutamate in anxiety•        Why trying to ‘stop thinking about it’ doesn’t work•        How avoidance perpetuates the anxious cycle•        Practical ways for living with an anxious brain Happy listening! Watch on Netflix: HERE Follow Jemma on Instagram: @jemmasbeg Follow the podcast on Instagram: @thatpsychologypodcast Subscribe on Substack: @thepsychologyofyour20s For business: [email protected]  Our favourite sources:  https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC9559819/ https://www.nature.com/articles/nrn2555 https://www.nature.com/articles/s41386-022-01332-2 https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S027273580000057X The Psychology of your 20s is not a substitute for professional mental health help. If you are struggling, distressed or require personalised advice, please reach out to your doctor or a licensed psychologist.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.