394. What is the pursuer-distancer relationship dynamic?

When one person tries to get closer to someone else, and the other person pulls away in response, they might be experiencing a pursuer-distancer dynamic. This can create a very painful cycle, where communication breaks down, each side blames the other, and ultimately, nobody has their needs met. In this episode, we explore the stages of a pursuer-distancer cycle, unpack why we’re drawn to relationships like this, and learn how to break the cycle so we can enjoy more happy, fulfilled relationships. We explore:  What the pursuer-distancer dynamic looks like The psychology of why romantic opposites ‘attract’ What’s going on in the mind or a pursuer and distancer Pursuer-distancer burnout - and when the pursuer final quits... How we can heal a pursuer-distancer cycle Can pursuer-distancer dynamics work in our 20s? A note that this episode contains content about abusive relationships. Listen now! ORDER MY BOOK: https://www.psychologyofyour20s.com/copy-of-book  Follow Jemma on Instagram: @jemmasbegFollow the podcast on Instagram: @thatpsychologypodcastFor business: [email protected]  The Psychology of your 20s is not a substitute for professional mental health help. If you are struggling, distressed or require personalised advice, please reach out to your doctor or a licensed psychologist.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

If you heard someone described as stoic, you would probably imagine they were unemotional and repressed, with a stiff upper lip. But stoicism has a PR problem. In fact, stoicism can teach us a lot about letting go of outcomes, being more tolerant of others, and how to live a more fulfilled life. In this episode, we unpack the core pillars of this ancient philosophy, recognise how it has influenced world leaders to chronic pain patients, and explore how we can apply it in our day-to-day lives.   We explore:• The ancient origins of stoicism • Why people are turning to stoicism today• The four cardinal virtues of stoicism - wisdom, justice, courage and temperance• Why stoic mindsets scientifically impact the treatment of pain, palliative care, and more• How stoicism can be one of the most empowering mindsets to adopt in our 20s Listen now or watch on Netflix! ORDER MY BOOK: https://www.psychologyofyour20s.com/copy-of-book  Follow Jemma on Instagram: @jemmasbegFollow the podcast on Instagram: @thatpsychologypodcastFor business: [email protected]  The Psychology of your 20s is not a substitute for professional mental health help. If you are struggling, distressed or require personalised advice, please reach out to your doctor or a licensed psychologist.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

We often dismiss the small, playful things we do to keep life joyful: collecting trinkets, baking for no reason, blowing bubbles, looking for magic. They’re labelled childish, unnecessary, or unserious. But psychology and neuroscience tell a very different story. Today, we're breaking down the psychology of whimsy, including: What “whimsy” actually is and why it’s trending again How play helps regulate your nervous system The neuroscience of stress, imagination and brain plasticity The science of beauty and the brain (neuroaesthetics) Why small acts of joy can be psychologically protective 15 whimsy activity ideas  Listen now!  Watch on Netflix   Follow Jemma on Instagram: @jemmasbeg Follow the podcast on Instagram: @thatpsychologypodcast Subscribe on Substack: @thepsychologyofyour20s For business: [email protected]    The Psychology of your 20s is not a substitute for professional mental health help. If you are struggling, distressed or require personalised advice, please reach out to your doctor or a licensed psychologist.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

We like to think we’re making conscious choices all day long - but a lot of what drives our reactions, habits, and gut feelings happens outside of awareness. The conscious vs. unconscious mind is a useful way to understand why you can know what you want, and still do the opposite. In this episode, we break down what the conscious and unconscious mind actually mean in psychology, where the idea came from, why it can feel unsettling to face, and how to build more influence over your impulses and automatic patterns.  We explore:•        The difference between deliberate thinking and automatic processing•        Freud’s topographical model•        The importance of the unconscious mind•        The responsibilities of the conscious and unconscious•        How to spot unhealthy unconscious patterns    Watch on Netflix Follow Jemma on Instagram: @jemmasbeg Follow the podcast on Instagram: @thatpsychologypodcast Subscribe on Substack: @thepsychologyofyour20s For business: [email protected]    Our favourite sources: https://www.nature.com/articles/nn.2112 https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/chapter/bookseries/abs/pii/S0065260106380021?via%3Dihub https://acmelab.yale.edu/sites/default/files/1999_the_unbearable_automaticity_of_being.pdf   The Psychology of your 20s is not a substitute for professional mental health help. If you are struggling, distressed or require personalised advice, please reach out to your doctor or a licensed psychologist. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Why do some people seem to move from relationship to relationship with barely any time in between, and why does being single feel almost impossible for them? In this bonus episode, we’re diving into the psychology behind relationship hopping (aka serial monogamy) and what’s really happening when someone craves commitment quickly, struggles with time alone, or keeps repeating the same cycle with different partners. We explore:•        The role of attachment in serial monogamy•        Why artificial closeness is so appealing•        The pull of the infatuation cycle•        The brain chemistry of love, reward and attachment•        What this pattern can teach us about self-growth Listen now!   Watch on Netflix   Follow Jemma on Instagram: @jemmasbeg Follow the podcast on Instagram: @thatpsychologypodcast Subscribe on Substack: @thepsychologyofyour20s For business: [email protected]    The Psychology of your 20s is not a substitute for professional mental health help. If you are struggling, distressed or require personalised advice, please reach out to your doctor or a licensed psychologist.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

After toxic love, healthy love can feel surprisingly hard to recognise because you’ve likely learned to expect chaos, inconsistency, and emotional whiplash. In this episode, we unpack what toxic love actually looks like, how it shapes your beliefs about love in your 20s, and why calm, consistent connection can feel suspicious or even ‘boring’ when you’re used to intensity. We explore:•        What toxic love is and how it intersects with abusive•        How this reshapes trust, pessimism, and your expectations of people•        The role of neurochemistry, addiction, and intermittent reinforcement in toxic bonds•        Self-sabotage and self-esteem•        The role of attachment patterns over time•        What healthy love and conflict actually feel like•        Practical ways to lean into safe love If you’re conflicted between craving consistency or chaos, this episode is for you.   Watch on Netflix   Follow Jemma on Instagram: @jemmasbeg Follow the podcast on Instagram: @thatpsychologypodcast Subscribe on Substack: @thepsychologyofyour20s For business: [email protected]    The Psychology of your 20s is not a substitute for professional mental health help. If you are struggling, distressed or require personalised advice, please reach out to your doctor or a licensed psychologist.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Personal style might look like a surface-level thing, but it’s actually one of the most psychologically loaded choices we make every day. What we wear shapes how we’re perceived, how we feel, and sometimes even what parts of ourselves we give permission to show. In this episode, we’re unpacking the psychology of personal style - why we’re drawn to what we’re drawn to, what shapes our wardrobe, and how to find a style that actually feels like you. We explore: •        How upbringing and early experiences shape what feels safe, flattering, or off-limits•        The role of the Big Five personality traits•        Style as identity signalling•        How clothes shift out mood•        The role of trends and fast fashion in conformity•        How to rediscover your personal style If you’ve ever felt like your wardrobe doesn’t quite match who you are, this episode is for you. Watch on Netflix Follow Jemma on Instagram: @jemmasbeg Follow the podcast on Instagram: @thatpsychologypodcast Subscribe on Substack: @thepsychologyofyour20s For business: [email protected]    The Psychology of your 20s is not a substitute for professional mental health help. If you are struggling, distressed or require personalised advice, please reach out to your doctor or a licensed psychologist.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

When did ‘narcissist’ become the go-to explanation for every difficult person - and what do we lose when one word starts covering everything from basic selfishness to genuine psychological harm? In this bonus episode, we break down what psychologists actually mean by narcissism: where the term came from, what it truly means, and how the term has been adopted in our society.  We explore:•        Differences between Narcissistic Personality Disorder and narcissistic traits•        The two main forms of narcissism•        How has the term become overused?•        The dangers of simplifying the term•        Can narcissists ever change? Or is it all pretend? Listen now!   Follow Jemma on Instagram: @jemmasbeg Follow the podcast on Instagram: @thatpsychologypodcast Subscribe on Substack: @thepsychologyofyour20s For business: [email protected]    The Psychology of your 20s is not a substitute for professional mental health help. If you are struggling, distressed or require personalised advice, please reach out to your doctor or a licensed psychologist.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

It's my 26th birthday, and I'm in a reflective mood. As I pass the halfway point of my 20s (and this podcast), I'm looking back at some of the lessons I've learnt so far and what I hope I learn in the next four years.  Also, the question people keep asking: will there be a Psychology of your 30s, stay tuned to the end to hear my thoughts!    Watch on Netflix   Follow Jemma on Instagram: @jemmasbeg Follow the podcast on Instagram: @thatpsychologypodcast Subscribe on Substack: @thepsychologyofyour20s For business: [email protected]    The Psychology of your 20s is not a substitute for professional mental health help. If you are struggling, distressed or require personalised advice, please reach out to your doctor or a licensed psychologist.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Want to study smarter, not longer? Today, we're finally breaking down my psychology-backed guide to becoming the academic weapon you always dreamed of being. I’m sharing the exact study hacks I used to become high school valedictorian, maintain a near-perfect GPA at university, and actually enjoy the process of learning (and the Pomodoro method isn't mentioned once...) We talk about: How to make your brain care about what you’re learning The Note-Taking Manuscript Method Why personal relevance helps memory Using novelty to make concepts more memorable  Finding your peak productivity hours The effort paradox (why meaning follows effort, not motivation) How to hack your brain to focus longer and study better  If you want this academic year to be your best, you're in the right place! Listen now!  Watch on Netflix   Follow Jemma on Instagram: @jemmasbeg Follow the podcast on Instagram: @thatpsychologypodcast Subscribe on Substack: @thepsychologyofyour20s For business: [email protected]    The Psychology of your 20s is not a substitute for professional mental health help. If you are struggling, distressed or require personalised advice, please reach out to your doctor or a licensed psychologist.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.