Episode 407 - The Dr. Cloud Show - Skills for Handling Gaslighting

Much of your thinking is automatic, and that can be a great thing. No one needs to analyze every stroke of the toothbrush, so to speak. The problem, Dr. Henry Cloud contends, is when we default to thinking patterns that don’t work for situations that require us to be more considered and deliberate with our minds. One of the issues is that automatic thinking can lead to deeply ingrained patterns of behavior that self-reinforce. You have to ask yourself some questions about these automatic thoughts. Here’s a big one: are these even thoughts? Maybe this won’t surprise you, but no, classically speaking many of these automatic thoughts don’t meet the criteria of thoughts. These ideas, constructs, or concepts might pop into your head, but they aren’t considered, they aren’t critiqued. They are thoughts, but they require no thinking. Dr. Cloud shares ways to start actively thinking again so that you can take control of your life in areas you’re overlooking.    Written Question:  Dr. Cloud addresses a question about dealing with a spouse diagnosed with narcissism who frequently turns conversations into arguments. He discusses the complexity of narcissistic personality disorder, emphasizing that not all cases are alike. Dr. Cloud suggests considering whether the narcissism is rooted in strength or weakness, as this affects the approach to dealing with it. The main advice Dr. Cloud offers is to stop engaging in these fights. He uses the analogy of a boxing match, explaining that it takes two people to argue. He recommends setting boundaries by refusing to continue unproductive conversations, suggesting phrases like "I don't think this is helping" or "I'm not comfortable talking about this right now." Dr. Cloud emphasizes the importance of removing oneself from the situation and proposing alternative ways to address issues, such as discussing them in a counseling session.   Carol needs help moving forward with her life after ending her relationship with her parents. She ruminates and finds herself playing back everything that has happened over the years. What can she do truly move on?   Written Question: What kind of advice do you have for young leaders as they take on more responsibility?   Dr. Henry Cloud wants to help you take back control of your time and energy. You'll learn powerful strategies to prioritize what matters, set healthy boundaries, and achieve your goals with less stress and more joy. Time is a Finite Resource is a 2 hour workshop that will transform how you use your time. Go to https://www.boundaries.me/time to get a special offer on the upcoming workshop!   If you want to call in or watch the show live, subscribe on YouTube and click the Bell icon. It will alert you whenever we go live and will be your cue to call in and ask Dr. Cloud for advice. https://youtube.com/drhenrycloud  

Dr. Cloud discusses the concept of time management from a different perspective. He argues that rather than managing time itself, which is finite and unchangeable, the focus should be on how we manage ourselves within that time. Dr. Cloud identifies common reasons people may not use their time effectively, such as feeling emotionally isolated, having poor boundaries in saying no to requests, and excessive perfectionism. He gives the example of his father's philosophy of doing things "good enough for who it's for" to avoid wasting time on unnecessary perfectionism. Dr. Cloud suggests evaluating if an activity truly aligns with one's values and priorities before investing more time in it. The core idea is being intentional about how you "invest" yourself and your energy within the limited time available. Rather than time management tactics, this talk examines mindsets and motivations that can lead to poor time utilization.   Answering a viewer’s written question, Dr. Cloud addresses a common dilemma: how to manage time effectively in a busy life. Rather than encouraging viewers to do more, he suggests focusing on achieving greater effects with the time available. Using relatable analogies like mowing grass with scissors versus a lawnmower, he demonstrates how changing work methods can enhance productivity. Dr. Cloud also discusses outsourcing tasks and prioritizing what truly matters. He acknowledges that as one grows personally and professionally, demands increase, making strategic time management crucial. The key, he argues, is not to do more, but to identify and focus on high-priority tasks that align with one's goals and values.   Sandy has a 35 year old son who has overcome opioid addiction and is in a much better place. She’s noticed that he’s drinking far too much and seems like a functioning alcoholic. How can she have a conversation with him without bringing up the trauma of the past intervention they had over opioids?   Dr. Henry Cloud wants to help you take back control of your time and energy. You'll learn powerful strategies to prioritize what matters, set healthy boundaries, and achieve your goals with less stress and more joy. Master Your Time, Master Your Life is a 2 hour workshop that will transform how you use your time. Go to https://www.boundaries.me/time to get a special offer on the upcoming workshop!   If you want to call in or watch the show live, subscribe on YouTube and click the Bell icon. It will alert you whenever we go live and will be your cue to call in and ask Dr. Cloud for advice. https://youtube.com/drhenrycloud  

On this episode of The Dr. Cloud Show:   Dr. Cloud explores criticism and its role in personal growth and relationships. He argues that when done with the right approach, criticism can be an act of love that facilitates positive change. Dr. Cloud provides tips on giving and receiving criticism effectively. He emphasizes specificity over global statements, using "I" statements, setting a positive tone, making it a conversation, and offering actionable feedback. He also examines motivations behind unhelpful criticism like envy, anger, or control. The talk covers watching tone, making criticism timely and relevant, and distinguishing criticism aimed at helping versus hurting. Overall, Dr. Cloud offers insights into navigating constructive criticism, open communication, and fostering personal and interpersonal growth through this approach.   Dr. Cloud tackles a viewer's question about coping with a partner whose language inadvertently echoes her emotionally abusive father's. He discusses the term "emotional abuse," arguing that its overuse can diminish its impact when accurately applied. Dr. Cloud advises approaching the partner constructively, focusing on how they can communicate in ways that foster connection and avoid triggering past traumas. He suggests discussing specific language that helps or hurts, enabling better understanding of each other's sensitivities. Additionally, he recommends taking timeouts when triggered to prevent confusing past and present experiences. This video offers strategies for those whose current relationships are affected by childhood trauma.   Christie is having trouble receiving love. She has a transactional mentality about it where she feels she needs to be worthy of it.    Stacy is helping recovering addicts. Many of them have a victim mindset and cross her boundaries. How can she enforce her boundaries without exacerbating their victim mentality?   Tiffany has a difficult relationship with her father. He is addicted to TV and is constantly talking about conspiracy theories.    Dr. Henry Cloud wants to help you take back control of your time and energy. You'll learn powerful strategies to prioritize what matters, set healthy boundaries, and achieve your goals with less stress and more joy. Master Your Time, Master Your Life is a 2 hour workshop that will transform how you use your time. Go to https://www.boundaries.me/time to get a special offer on the upcoming workshop!   If you want to call in or watch the show live, subscribe on YouTube and click the Bell icon. It will alert you whenever we go live and will be your cue to call in and ask Dr. Cloud for advice. https://youtube.com/drhenrycloud  

Dr. Cloud presents 10 tips to help individuals navigate through difficult times in a practical and actionable manner. He emphasizes the importance of seeking professional help when needed, but also offers self-care strategies to alleviate temporary distress. Key points include combating isolation, focusing on what's within one's control, setting boundaries, processing grief, challenging catastrophic thinking, practicing self-care (sleep, exercise, stress relief), taking breaks, and maintaining perspective. Dr. Cloud's approach combines cognitive, emotional, and physical aspects, recognizing that well-being is multifaceted. Through personal anecdotes and analogies, he encourages viewers to view challenges as temporary scenes in the broader narrative of life, emphasizing hope and resilience.   Nancy and her husband haven’t had contact with their son for 2 years. She needs help finding closure on this relationship for now.   Laura’s husband has ruined their financial future. She doesn’t know if the relationship is salvageable, and needs help in keeping her children safe from such recklessness.   Melanie and her brother used to be close. She thinks her sister-in-law might be jealous of their closeness. How can she figure out what’s causing the distance and mend the situation?   Kathy’s husband is in an alcohol recovery program. She still loves him very much despite all the problems in the past. She wants to work on their relationship, but his sponsor seems to think she’s part of the problem. How can she step back in a healthy way?   Dr. Henry Cloud wants to help you take back control of your time and energy. You'll learn powerful strategies to prioritize what matters, set healthy boundaries, and achieve your goals with less stress and more joy. Master Your Time, Master Your Life is a 2 hour workshop that will transform how you use your time. Go to https://www.boundaries.me/time to get a special offer on the upcoming workshop!   If you want to call in or watch the show live, subscribe on YouTube and click the Bell icon. It will alert you whenever we go live and will be your cue to call in and ask Dr. Cloud for advice. https://youtube.com/drhenrycloud  

Dr. Cloud explores the idea that achieving anything of value in life requires doing things we don't want to do. He draws from personal experiences, such as pulling an all-nighter to meet a book deadline, and uses relatable examples like losing weight or building a successful marriage. Dr. Cloud emphasizes that embracing this mindset – that discomfort and effort are necessary for growth – is crucial. He touches on parenting styles that may inadvertently shield children from struggles, preventing them from developing grit. Overall, the talk encourages viewers to reframe their perspective on challenges, seeing them not as obstacles but as opportunities for personal development and ultimately creating a life of value.   In a written question, Dr. Cloud examines the "backfire effect" where people become more entrenched in beliefs when presented with conflicting evidence. He suggests first understanding why the issue matters to the other person - the stakes involved. Emotions also play a key role - hear their feelings before diving into differing perspectives. Dr. Cloud states differing viewpoints often stem from different perceived solutions to shared underlying goals. He advises separating the person from their position by acknowledging emotions and finding alignment on higher-level values first. He cautions that some topics incite too much emotion for productive dialogue. The desire for autonomy can trigger defensiveness when people feel controlled. He presents strategies like avoiding controlling language, finding common ground, and sometimes disengaging from unproductive debates. His analysis provides a framework for navigating the psychology behind these difficult conversations when beliefs clash.   Vanessa and her husband have gone no contact with his parents. She wants advice on how to support her husband through this situation.   Josh wants to pursue an advanced degree in addiction counseling. He feels like he’s being called from God to do it. How do you know when you’re getting a calling from God?   Dr. Henry Cloud wants to help you take back control of your time and energy. You'll learn powerful strategies to prioritize what matters, set healthy boundaries, and achieve your goals with less stress and more joy. Master Your Time, Master Your Life is a 2 hour workshop that will transform how you use your time. Go to https://www.boundaries.me/time to get a special offer on the upcoming workshop!   If you want to call in or watch the show live, subscribe on YouTube and click the Bell icon. It will alert you whenever we go live and will be your cue to call in and ask Dr. Cloud for advice. https://youtube.com/drhenrycloud  

Ever feel like apologizing isn’t working? In this thought-provoking talk, Dr. Cloud delves into the art of offering a sincere and effective apology. He emphasizes that a genuine apology is a powerful tool for repairing and strengthening relationships. Dr. Cloud breaks down the essential components of a good apology, including expressing empathy, taking ownership without making excuses, acknowledging the consequences, and committing to preventing future occurrences. He also highlights the importance of understanding the other person's perspective and addressing their hurt feelings, rather than focusing solely on one's own guilt or justifications. With his insights, Dr. Cloud provides a framework for navigating the complexities of apologizing authentically and restoring trust and connection.   Alex’s father is moving to her town and wants to start having a relationship with her again. The problem is that her dad is a toxic person and a narcissist who blew up his family by having an affair. How can she get better at saying no to a toxic father?   Dr. Henry Cloud wants to help you take back control of your time and energy. You'll learn powerful strategies to prioritize what matters, set healthy boundaries, and achieve your goals with less stress and more joy. Master Your Time, Master Your Life is a 2 hour workshop that will transform how you use your time. Go to https://www.boundaries.me/time to get a special offer on the upcoming workshop!   If you want to call in or watch the show live, subscribe on YouTube and click the Bell icon. It will alert you whenever we go live and will be your cue  

Dr. Cloud provides guidance for couples struggling to reignite their romantic spark. Drawing from biblical wisdom and psychological expertise, he explores the natural seasons of marriage and offers strategies to reignite passion. He encourages couples to reflect on how they prioritized careers over their relationship, examine psychological factors behind this shift, and revisit activities that fostered initial connection. Dr. Cloud recommends revisiting initial bonding activities, making time to listen/connect without household tasks, and sharing what drew them together originally. With empathy, he empowers the couple to rediscover their qualities and rekindle their marital flame.   Christian has a problem: he loves solving other people’s problems. How can he stop relating to others by trying to fix their issues?   Emily’s boyfriend recently purchased a home and she moved in with him. They are going to get engaged and have been together for a while. The problem is his mother (her future mother-in-law) acts like it’s her house. How can establish boundaries with her?   Elizabeth was in an abusive marriage for 24 years and got out of it about 4 years ago. She needs help with dating. How can she remain vigilant while staying open-hearted with her dates?   Dr. Henry Cloud wants to help you take back control of your time and energy. You'll learn powerful strategies to prioritize what matters, set healthy boundaries, and achieve your goals with less stress and more joy. Master Your Time, Master Your Life is a 2 hour workshop that will transform how you use your time. Go to https://www.boundaries.me/time to get a special offer on the upcoming workshop!   If you want to call in or watch the show live, subscribe on YouTube and click the Bell icon. It will alert you whenever we go live and will be your cue to call in and ask Dr. Cloud for advice. https://youtube.com/drhenrycloud

Dr. Henry Cloud takes a deep dive into the world of anxiety, honing in on a crucial aspect: learning to navigate internal anxieties without giving in to typical responses. From unraveling the physical effects of anxiety to unraveling the mind's interpretations, Dr. Cloud sheds light on the power of response inhibition in managing anxieties. With relatable stories and practical insights, this video guides you through the art of sitting with anxiety instead of running from it. Audience Write-in Question: I come from a close-knit family that values togetherness, but I often feel suffocated by their constant need for communication and shared activities. How can I set healthy boundaries with my family members without hurting their feelings or causing misunderstandings? Sarah has a sister-in-law that is dead set on vilifying her within her husband's family. The sister-in-law used to be very close to her brother (Sarah’s husband) and Sarah thinks she feels threatened by their closeness.  Finley’s parents are overly involved in her life. She’s a single mother and needs help from time to time, but her parents are overstepping in their helpfulness. Dr. Henry Cloud wants to help you take back control of your time and energy. You'll learn powerful strategies to prioritize what matters, set healthy boundaries, and achieve your goals with less stress and more joy. Master Your Time, Master Your Life is a 2 hour workshop that will transform how you use your time. Go to https://www.boundaries.me/time to get a special offer on the upcoming workshop! If you want to call in or watch the show live, subscribe on YouTube and click the Bell icon. It will alert you whenever we go live and will be your cue to call in and ask Dr. Cloud for advice. https://youtube.com/drhenrycloud

Just knowing what gaslighting is can be a big first step to breaking free from it . The problem is that withstanding gaslighting is another matter. Dr. Henry Cloud discusses the concept of gaslighting, a psychological technique used to manipulate and control others by making them question their own reality. He delves into how gaslighters undermine individuals' subjective experience of reality to gain power over them. Dr. Cloud explains the impact of gaslighting on individuals, the vulnerable traits that make someone susceptible to it, and provides tips on how to recognize and deal with gaslighting behavior effectively.   Rachel has been facing lots of challenges accomplishing her goals and has sort of given up. How can she break the habit of feeling stuck?   Tracy and her boyfriend are in couples counseling. He’s been improving but she doesn’t know to what extent. What will it take for her to mend and truly see change in their relationship? Samantha wants help understanding the boundary between expressing needs and being controlling in her marriage. She fears that it’s turning into a parent-child relationship and wants to get back to being equal adults.   Dr. Henry Cloud wants to help you take back control of your time and energy. You'll learn powerful strategies to prioritize what matters, set healthy boundaries, and achieve your goals with less stress and more joy. Master Your Time, Master Your Life is a 2 hour workshop that will transform how you use your time. Go to https://www.boundaries.me/time to get a special offer on the upcoming workshop! If you want to call in or watch the show live, subscribe on YouTube and click the Bell icon. It will alert you whenever we go live and will be your cue to call in and ask Dr. Cloud for advice. https://youtube.com/drhenrycloud  

You may think you are a separate and free person when you look in the mirror. You’re not physically attached to someone else. As a person connected to others through relationships however you might not be the free and separate person you see in the mirror. Dr. Henry Cloud talks about how so many of us are not free and separate people within our relationships. You might not be in charge of making decisions, someone might be controlling the decisions and behaviors that should be yours! Here’s the question: Right now, do you have any relationships where you don’t experience yourself as free to make your own choices without losing love? Free to make your own choices without a guilt trip being put on you? Free to make your own choices without them pouting and feeling abandoned? Dr. Cloud teaches you ways to start regaining your freedom by using boundaries to limit the control others have over you.    Audience Write-in Question: My boyfriend gets jealous easily, but my friends say that means he really loves me. Is that true, or is this a problem?   Kimberly has a 23 year old son that went through a truly terrible break up. He’s extremely depressed. She and her husband are actively getting them help but they don’t know what to do next.   Sal’s wife wants a divorce. She’s said she doesn’t love him and doesn’t know if she ever really did. What can he do to open up communication and how can he deal with the heartache? Being estranged from someone you once were close to can be a painful reality to live in. Should you reconcile? When? How? How can we fix the pain of estrangement? Does it get easier? What is my role in this process? What is mine to own? What should I do? Dr. Cloud wants to help you navigate this terrain.  Go to https://boundaries.me/reconcile to find out more about the 2 hour live webinar with Dr. Cloud. If you want to call in or watch the show live, subscribe on YouTube and click the Bell icon. It will alert you whenever we go live and will be your cue to call in and ask Dr. Cloud for advice. https://youtube.com/drhenrycloud