How to Be Assertive Without Being Harsh

What happens to your capacity to trust God when life has taught you to brace for disappointment? You may still believe God is good. You may know the Scriptures and have walked with Him for years. And yet there can be places inside of you that still struggle to trust His goodness toward you. This week, Dr. Alison is joined by bestselling author and radio host Susie Larson for an honest conversation about trauma, chronic illness, unanswered prayer, and what it means to keep trusting God when your circumstances remain painfully unresolved. Drawing from her own experiences with childhood trauma, complicated pregnancies, chronic illness, financial strain, and seasons when God felt silent, Susie shares how she began moving from simply knowing she was saved to actually learning to live as someone deeply loved by God. In this episode, you’ll learn: How trauma and disappointment can affect your ability to trust God The difference between knowing intellectually that God loves you and learning to live loved Why trusting God isn’t a formula for getting the outcome you want What Susie means by “contending” for what is true without slipping into striving The difference between expectation and expectancy Why trust can sometimes mean fighting for something and other times mean releasing control How fear and strong emotions can reveal beliefs beneath the surface Why you don’t have to wait until everything is resolved to begin living with purpose A simple practice for intentionally receiving and reflecting on God’s love The invitation isn’t to figure out how to make God give you the ending you hoped for. It’s to become more deeply rooted in His love while the story is still being written. Ready Susie Larson’s book More Than You Can Imagine: What God Does When You Trust Him Listen to Susie Larson Live More Resources: Listeners get exclusive access to the first 3 chapters of Dr. Alison’s newest book, The Secure Soul.  Connect further with @dralisoncook on Instagram 📖 Find a full transcript and list of resources from this episode here Don't forget to browse this week's sponsors, who make it possible for me to bring you these resources for free + provide you with additional discounts! Quince - How you dress affects your mood and you can trust that Quince has you covered in every day sustainable wardrobe staples. Go to ⁠Quince.com/bestofyou⁠ for 365-day returns, plus free shipping on your order! AquaTru - Shower Head - Unlock your hair & skin’s true potential with 20% Off AquaTru Shower by using promo code SHBESTOFYOU (yes, the S-H is intentional) at AquaTru.com. *Some of the links above are Amazon affiliate links. If you choose to purchase through them, I may earn a small commission at no extra cost to you. While Dr. Cook is a counselor, the content of this podcast and any of the products provided by Dr. Cook are not specific counseling advice nor are they a substitute for individual counseling. The content and products provided on this podcast are for informational purposes only.‍ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Sexual wounding shows up in so many different ways, and it affects so many men and women.  Maybe something happened that felt off, invasive, confusing, or inappropriate, but you told yourself it wasn’t a big deal. Maybe you’ve never used the words sexual abuse or sexual violation because what happened didn’t fit the picture you had in mind. In this week’s episode, Dr. Alison is joined by trauma expert and bestselling author Dr. Dan Allender for a compassionate conversation about sexual abuse, sexual wounding, shame, trust, and the road toward healing. Dan explains why abuse is not only about a single event, but about how that event becomes woven into the larger fabric of a person’s story. They explore why so many people minimize what happened, how involuntary body responses can create profound shame, and why these wounds often surface years later in our ability to trust, receive love, hope, and connect intimately with others. You’ll learn: What sexual abuse and sexual wounding can look like beyond the narrowest definitions Why shame can linger long after an experience is over How abuse affects trust, hope, intimacy, and your relationships What parents can do when a child shares that something uncomfortable or violating happened How to approach your story with honesty, compassion, and dignity Sometimes the first step is simply being willing to say: Something happened that wasn’t okay. And I want to understand how it has shaped me. To find out more about The Allender Center workshops visit theallendercenter.org/workshops or email the Allender Center team directly at [email protected] Read Dr. Dan Allender’s  books: Healing the Wounded Heart The Deep-Rooted Marriage More Resources: Listeners get exclusive access to the first 3 chapters of Dr. Alison’s newest book, The Secure Soul.  Connect further with @dralisoncook on Instagram 📖 Find a full transcript and list of resources from this episode here Don't forget to browse this week's sponsors, who make it possible for me to bring you these resources for free + provide you with additional discounts! Quince - How you dress affects your mood and you can trust that Quince has you covered in every day sustainable wardrobe staples. Go to ⁠Quince.com/bestofyou⁠ for 365-day returns, plus free shipping on your order! AirDoctor - Did you know the quality of oxygen you breathe affects your brain which in turn your thoughts? Eliminate 99.9% contaminants in your home with AirDoctor by visiting AirDoctorPro.com and use promo code BESTOFYOU to get UP TO $300 off today! *Some of the links above are Amazon affiliate links. If you choose to purchase through them, I may earn a small commission at no extra cost to you. While Dr. Cook is a counselor, the content of this podcast and any of the products provided by Dr. Cook are not specific counseling advice nor are they a substitute for individual counseling. The content and products provided on this podcast are for informational purposes only.‍ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Have you ever walked into a room and almost automatically started adjusting yourself? Maybe you hold back what you really think. You soften your opinions. You make yourself more agreeable. Not because you’re trying to be dishonest, but because some part of you wants to belong. In this week’s episode, Dr. Alison is joined by behavioral scientist and Columbia University professor Dr. Patricia Hewlin to explore the tension between authenticity and belonging. Dr. Hewlin’s research on what she calls facades of conformity shows that continually suppressing your values and perspectives in order to fit in can lead to emotional exhaustion and disconnection. But the answer isn’t to swing to the other extreme and insist on expressing every part of yourself in every room. We were made for community.  And we were also made to become fully ourselves. The goal isn’t to choose one over the other. It’s learning how to love other people without losing yourself in the process. In this episode, you’ll learn: Why the desire to belong is a healthy human need How to tell the difference between wise compromise and self-abandonment Why staying quiet isn’t always people-pleasing How your core values can guide what you share, when you speak up, and when you flex Why “bringing your whole self” doesn’t mean bringing every part of yourself everywhere How to navigate relationships or workplaces where being fully yourself may come with a real cost What Dr. Hewlin calls the middle self: authenticity with discernment and accountability Why true authenticity is inherently relational Read Staying True to You: Unlock the Power of Your Middle Self and Live With Confidence, Integrity, and Peace of Mind. More Resources: Listeners get exclusive access to the first 3 chapters of Dr. Alison’s newest book, The Secure Soul.  Connect further with @dralisoncook on Instagram 📖 Find a full transcript and list of resources from this episode here Don't forget to browse this week's sponsors, who make it possible for me to bring you these resources for free + provide you with additional discounts! Quince - How you dress affects your mood and you can trust that Quince has you covered in every day sustainable wardrobe staples. Go to ⁠Quince.com/bestofyou⁠ for 365-day returns, plus free shipping on your order! AirDoctor - Did you know the quality of oxygen you breathe affects your brain which in turn your thoughts? Eliminate 99.9% contaminants in your home with AirDoctor by visiting AirDoctorPro.com and use promo code BESTOFYOU to get UP TO $300 off today! Remi - Start sleeping better with a Remi nightguard and use code BESTOFYOU and get 55% off your purchase. Go to ShopRemi.com/BESTOFYOU and use code BESTOFYOU. *Some of the links above are Amazon affiliate links. If you choose to purchase through them, I may earn a small commission at no extra cost to you. While Dr. Cook is a counselor, the content of this podcast and any of the products provided by Dr. Cook are not specific counseling advice nor are they a substitute for individual counseling. The content and products provided on this podcast are for informational purposes only.‍ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

You love the kids you've been called to care for. You’re grateful most of the time. But sometimes your hidden feelings are still, well.... complicated. You may feel frustrated by how much is asked of you, lonely in the load you’re carrying, jealous of other moms who seem to have it easier, or ashamed that motherhood doesn’t always feel the way you thought it would. In this week’s episode, Dr. Alison is joined by longtime friends, ministry leaders, and authors of the new book Moms on the Way, Kathy Tuan-MacLean and Tara Edelschick for an honest conversation about the complicated emotions moms are often afraid to admit out loud. Drawing from their research with more than 700 women, they explore why shame and resentment thrive in isolation—and what can happen when we finally bring those feelings into the light. You’ll learn: *Why motherhood can become fertile ground for comparison and shame *What resentment is really telling you *How to discern between something that is simply hard and something that genuinely needs to change *How hidden shame and resentment can isolate you from yourself, others, and God *What to do when these hidden emotions creep in More Resources: Connect with Kathy and Tara here. Get Moms on the Way: Following Jesus Through the Challenges of Motherhood here. 📖 Find a full transcript and list of resources from this episode here Don't forget to browse this week's sponsors, who make it possible for me to bring you these resources for free + provide you with additional discounts! Quince - How you dress affects your mood and you can trust that Quince has you covered in every day sustainable wardrobe staples. Go to ⁠Quince.com/bestofyou⁠ for 365-day returns, plus free shipping on your order! Aqua Tru - Join 98% of customers who have made their drinking water cleaner, safer, & healthier by visiting AquaTru.com and use promo code BESTOFYOU to get 20% off today! *Some of the links above are Amazon affiliate links. If you choose to purchase through them, I may earn a small commission at no extra cost to you. While Dr. Cook is a counselor, the content of this podcast and any of the products provided by Dr. Cook are not specific counseling advice nor are they a substitute for individual counseling. The content and products provided on this podcast are for informational purposes only.‍ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Today’s Scripture: James 3:13–18 How do you know whether the voice guiding you is actually wisdom—or fear dressed up as certainty, responsibility, or discernment? James gives us a very different way to recognize wisdom: not by confidence, volume, or influence, but by the kind of fruit it produces. You’ll learn: *Why certainty and confidence can sometimes masquerade as wisdom*How fear can hide underneath control, harshness, or over-responsibility*The qualities James says actually reveal genuine wisdom*Why quiet faithfulness may be more powerful than visible influence*One way to discern the fruit your choices and relationships are producing Go Deeper: The Best of You Every Day is taking a short break after this week while the Thursday deep-dive episodes continue. Connect with Dr. Alison on Instagram: @dralisoncook Join 80,000+ Soul Menders in Dr. Alison’s free email community for ongoing reflection and support. While Dr. Cook is a counselor, the content of this podcast and any of the products provided by Dr. Cook are not specific counseling advice nor are they a substitute for individual counseling. The content and products provided on this podcast are for informational purposes only.‍ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

What if some of the qualities you’ve learned to call “strength” are clues to a wound underneath? You may be responsible, independent, productive, and good at taking care of everyone else. But when those patterns become extreme, they can sometimes point to wounds you’ve learned to carry alone. In this week’s episode, Dr. Alison is joined by therapist and author Sheila Wise Rowe for a conversation about the less obvious ways trauma can shape our lives. Together, they explore how people-pleasing, perfectionism, self-sufficiency, minimizing pain, and avoiding conflict can become protective responses—and why healing begins by getting curious about what those patterns are trying to tell us. You’ll learn: *How trauma can show up in ways we may not immediately recognize *Why people-pleasing, perfectionism, and self-sufficiency can become protective patterns *How family and community wounds can shape us across generations *Why minimizing your pain can keep you disconnected from what needs care *The role of lament in bringing your real emotions before God *Why healing rarely happens alone *How small steps, safe people, and God’s presence can help create lasting change Healing doesn’t require you to minimize what happened or convince yourself that someone else had it worse. It begins with noticing what is true, allowing God into the places that hurt, and taking one small step toward connection. More Resources: With every purchase of Dr. Alison’s newest book, The Secure Soul, you’ll get exclusive access to her Soul Tending Video Library, including  “Boundaries for the Deeply Feeling Woman” and her masterclass “Healing the Wounds That Still Shape You.” Connect further with @dralisoncook on Instagram 📖 Find a full transcript and list of resources from this episode here Don't forget to browse this week's sponsors, who make it possible for me to bring you these resources for free + provide you with additional discounts! Quince - How you dress affects your mood and you can trust that Quince has you covered in every day sustainable wardrobe staples. Go to ⁠Quince.com/bestofyou⁠ for 365-day returns, plus free shipping on your order! Aqua Tru - Join 98% of customers who have made their drinking water cleaner, safer, & healthier by visiting AquaTru.com and use promo code BESTOFYOU to get 20% off today! *Some of the links above are Amazon affiliate links. If you choose to purchase through them, I may earn a small commission at no extra cost to you. While Dr. Cook is a counselor, the content of this podcast and any of the products provided by Dr. Cook are not specific counseling advice nor are they a substitute for individual counseling. The content and products provided on this podcast are for informational purposes only.‍ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Today’s Scripture: Deuteronomy 30:11–14 What if the next faithful step isn’t as far away as it feels? When fear and uncertainty take over, we can turn discernment into an exhausting search for perfect clarity. But Scripture offers a more grounded way forward: God’s wisdom is often nearer than we think. You’ll learn: *Why anxiety can make a simple decision feel impossible*How the search for certainty can keep you stuck*Why discomfort doesn’t always mean you’re on the wrong path*How to recognize the wisdom God has already placed within reach*What it looks like to take one faithful step without having the whole map Go Deeper: Pick up The Secure Soul and its companion guide for a deeper journey into the patterns, stories, and practices that shape a more secure life with God. Connect with Dr. Alison on Instagram: @dralisoncook Join 80,000+ Soul Menders in Dr. Alison’s free email community for ongoing reflection and support. While Dr. Cook is a counselor, the content of this podcast and any of the products provided by Dr. Cook are not specific counseling advice nor are they a substitute for individual counseling. The content and products provided on this podcast are for informational purposes only.‍ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Today's Scripture: Matthew 5:23-24 (Listener Request)What happens when you genuinely try to make things right—and the other person refuses to participate? Jesus takes reconciliation seriously, but that doesn’t mean you can force another person to acknowledge harm, tell the truth, or repair what has been broken. You’ll learn: *What Jesus’ command to “go and be reconciled” actually asks of you*The crucial difference between making a repair attempt and achieving mutual repair*Why reconciliation cannot be created by one person alone*How the pressure to “make peace” can sometimes protect denial or dysfunction*When faithfulness may mean grieving, setting a boundary, and stopping your pursuit of repair Go Deeper: Episode 216: Forgiveness Without Self-Abandonment: How to Forgive Without Ignoring the Harm with Amy Orr-EwingEpisode 217: What to Do When You’re the Only One Trying: Leslie Vernick on Emotionally Destructive Relationships Connect with Dr. Alison on Instagram: @dralisoncook Join 80,000+ Soul Menders in Dr. Alison’s free email community for ongoing reflection and support. While Dr. Cook is a counselor, the content of this podcast and any of the products provided by Dr. Cook are not specific counseling advice nor are they a substitute for individual counseling. The content and products provided on this podcast are for informational purposes only.‍ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Today’s Scripture: Proverbs 25:11–15 What do you do when you need to say something hard—but you don’t want to become harsh in the process? Proverbs gives us a surprising picture of strength: words that are clear and truthful, yet governed by patience, wisdom, and love. You’ll learn: *Why speaking gently doesn’t mean avoiding hard conversations*How to tell the difference between assertiveness, aggression, and silence*Why overexplaining can become an attempt to control someone’s response*What trustworthy words sound like when something difficult needs to be said*One question to help you speak with less force without sacrificing truth Go Deeper: After this week, The Best of You Every Day will take a short break for rest and reset, while the Thursday deep-dive episodes continue. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Today's Scripture: 1 Peter 4:8–11 (Listener Request) What does Scripture really mean when it says that “love covers over a multitude of sins”? Deep love protects dignity and makes room for mercy—but it also tells the truth, creates boundaries, and seeks genuine repair. You'll learn: *The crucial difference between covering and covering up *Why biblical love never requires you to hide ongoing harm *How fear of conflict can disguise itself as “keeping the peace” *Why forgiveness and repair are not the same thing *How to hold truth, boundaries, dignity, and mercy together Go Deeper: Share this episode with someone who might need to hear it. Today is the last day to get all the preorder bonus items when you order your copy of The Secure Soul Connect with Dr. Alison on Instagram: @dralisoncook Join 80,000+ Soul Menders in Dr. Alison’s free email community for ongoing reflection and support. While Dr. Cook is a counselor, the content of this podcast and any of the products provided by Dr. Cook are not specific counseling advice nor are they a substitute for individual counseling. The content and products provided on this podcast are for informational purposes only.‍ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices