Why Women Need To Stop Trying to Be “Good” with Joy Sullivan

As women, we’re often praised for being “good” — benevolent, proper, generous, and agreeable. But that version of goodness often comes at the expense of your mental health. And it requires a type of self-abandonment which leaves little room for complexity, creativity, or truth.Poet and writer Joy Sullivan joins Mary to explore why being “good” can be antithetical to being fully human. Together, they unpack purity culture (both religious and progressive), moral performance, and the shame that follows many women. They also explore Joy’s viral essay Tiny Evils and why allowing ourselves small, imperfect, human transgressions can actually reconnect us to creativity.You will learn how to…Question moral perfection without abandoning integrityUnderstand why goodness is often performativeReclaim creativity as survival, not productivityWrite and create with confidence and without censoring your vulnerabilityRemember: You don’t have to be flawless to be worthy. Your self worth is inherent. If you can love yourself as you are, your creativity will skyrocket.Joy Sullivan is a poet, teacher, and author of the national bestseller, *Instructions for Traveling West.* She received a Masters in poetry from Miami University and has served as the poet-in-residence for the Wexner Center for the Arts. Her work has appeared in places like Goop, Oprah Daily, and The Sunday Paper.In addition to leading international writing retreats, Joy has guest-lectured in classrooms from Stanford University to Florida International University and is the founder of Sustenance, a community designed to help writers revitalize and nourish their craft. Read her thoughts on the creative life in her Substack newsletter, Necessary SaltFollow Joy on Instagram: **@**joysullivanGet Joy’s poetry book *Instructions for Traveling West.*Learn more about Joy’s writing community, Sustenance, here.And if you enjoyed this episode, screenshot it and share it on social media! Make sure to tag @maryspodcast and @joysullivan so other women can find this self-love podcast.Mentioned in This Episode…Tiny Evils by Joy SullivanGlamour UK featureMiranda JulyEllen BassAda Limón Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

In this episode, Mary explores seven principles of self love, using her Self-Love Tree framework as a calm and grounding guide for your year-end reflection and renewal.You will learn how to…Understand the roots of self-love: self-esteem, self-compassion, and self-worthApply the Self-Love Tree framework to your spiritual, emotional, mental, physical, social, romantic, and existential wellbeingCreate your own personalized self-love template to support next year’s intentionsMay you always ground yourself in your own unique individual framework for self love, whether that's a tree or something else you want to plant.If you enjoyed this episode, share it with your friends to spread the self love tea!Deepen your self-love journey with Mary’s books: 1. The Gift of Self-Love, an interactive workbook that will help you build confidence, recognize your worth, and learn to finally love yourself. 2. 100 Days of Self-Love, a guided journal with 100 prompts to help you calm self-criticism and learn to love who you are. Follow Mary on IG: @maryscupofteaa and @maryspodcast Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Mary talks with licensed psychotherapist Whitney Goodman about the harmful effects of toxic positivity on our mental health. We’ve all heard it, seen it, and experienced it — those moments when someone brushes off your pain and tells you to “just think positive!” It’s dismissive, overwhelming, and the opposite of self compassion.Whitney shares with us about... what toxic positivity is and the different areas it shows up in (specifically how it appears in religion, workplace, health, grief, etc)how toxic positivity differs from true self compassionthe antidote to toxic positivity how to talk to your loved ones when they are experiencing painself talk tools that will support your mental health without the pressure to have a positive mindset 24/7Whitney Goodman is the radically honest psychotherapist behind the hugely popular Instagram account @sitwithwhit, the founder of Calling Home, author of Toxic Positivity, and owner of The Collaborative Counseling Center, a private online therapy practice in Florida. Her work deeply resonates with women who are navigating boundaries, complex family systems, and the pressure to stay “positive” no matter what.Whitney earned her undergraduate degree at Tulane University and her graduate degree in Counseling Psychology from The University of Miami. She has advanced training in couples work, trauma, family dynamics, and chronic illness. Her writing appears in Psychology Today and she has been featured in The New York Times, Teen Vogue, NY Magazine, InStyle, and Good Morning America.A millennial therapist committed to making mental health information accessible, Whitney believes authenticity and emotional expression are essential to living a grounded, meaningful life. Her transparency around her own humanity helps normalize the full spectrum of feelings we all experience.Remember: “Happiness and positivity have become both a goal and an obligation.” But you don’t have to buy into that—real well-being honors your full emotional landscape and protects your mental health.Follow Whitney on Instagram: @sitwithwhitGet Whitney’s book Toxic Positivity here.And if you're enjoying this self love podcast, share it with the women in your life! Make sure to tag @maryspodcast and @sitwithwhit.  Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

If decision fatigue has you spiraling, this episode will help you reconnect with your needs, wants, desires, and values. Mary shares 7 steps for soothing anxiety, finding clarity, and making choices with confidence and from a place of self-love. You will learn how to... - Stop outsourcing your life to other people’s opinions - Regulate your nervous system so you can make decisions from a place of confidence and self love - Clarify your values and return to your own inner guidance Remember: self love isn’t about making the “perfect” choice. It’s about making the choice that honors who you are right now. This episode is a self-love reminder for women who feel stuck or overwhelmed by decision fatigue. If you’re enjoying our self love podcast, share it with the women in your life to continue spreading the gift of self love. Deepen your self love journey with Mary’s books: 1. The Gift of Self-Love, an interactive workbook to help you build confidence, recognize your worth, and learn to finally love yourself. 2. 100 Days of Self-Love, a guided journal with 100 prompts for calming self-criticism and learning to love yourself. Follow Mary on IG: @maryscupofteaa and @maryspodcast Mentioned In This Episode: Podcast Interview: Why Self Worth Starts in Your Body with Beatriz Victoria Albina Book: Stop Emotional Outsourcing by Béa Victoria Albina Mary’s viral video: “What to Do When You Don’t Know What to Do” Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Relationship conflict doesn’t have to feel like walking on eggshells. With the right tools and a sense of confidence and self trust, even the messiest moments can become turning points for deeper intimacy. This conversation with relationship expert Baya Voce is packed with research-backed relationship advice that helps you understand why you fight the way you do—and how to shift patterns that have followed you for years. You will learn... what healthy fighting look like and how to navigate conflict with confidencethe different types of toxic tendencies many of us default to when triggereddo men and women differ when it comes to default patterns?Gottman’s 4 Horsemen, the subtle-but-deadly behaviors that quietly erode connectionwhat to do when you’ve asked your partner to change, but they can’t or won’thow to decide whether to stay in or leave a relationship Remember: A healthy relationship isn’t defined by “never fighting.” It’s about navigating conflict with confidence, a regulated nervous system, and trust in your ability to repair. Baya Voce is a relationship repair expert helping couples fight better and make up faster. She holds an MSW from Columbia University, is in ongoing supervision with Esther Perel, and is trained and mentored by Terry Real. Baya collaborates with Columbia University, MAPS (Multidisciplinary Association for Psychedelic Studies), and Rick Doblin on pioneering research into MDMA-assisted couples therapy. She regularly speaks at SXSW, and with over 5 million views, her TEDx talk on loneliness highlights the often-overlooked impact of relational disconnection. Follow Baya on Instagram: @bayavoceBaya’s Workbook on How To Bridge the “Effort Gap” in Your Relationship Get Baya’s free guide on what to say to your partner after a fight And if you enjoyed this episode, share it with the women in your life to spread the gift of self love! Make sure to tag @maryspodcast and @bayavoce   Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

If intuitive eating feels harder during the holidays, you’re not alone. Between buffet tables, endless trigger foods, family comments, and social anxiety, it’s easy to slip into old, disordered eating habits. In this solo episode, Mary shares a simple but powerful intuitive eating tip that can help you feel less crazy around food. This mindset shift will help you approach holiday eating from a place of self compassion and self trust.This episode isn’t about what’s on your plate — it’s about how you relate to it. Because when food becomes tangled up with guilt, rules, or anxiety, it takes away from your ability to be present in the moment. Instead of succumbing to diet culture, use this intuitive eating tip to rebuild your sense of safety around food and feel more full, whole, and complete.If you’ve ever found yourself circling the snack table, cutting slivers of dessert, or trying to outsmart your hunger, this one’s going to hit home.You deserve to be fed, nourished, and loved.Deepen your self love journey with Mary’s books:*The Gift of Self-Love,* an interactive workbook to help you build confidence, recognize your worth, and learn to finally love yourself.*100 Days of Self-Love,* a guided journal with 100 prompts for calming self-criticism and learning to love yourself.Follow Mary on IG: @maryscupofteaa and @maryspodcastIf you’re enjoying our self love podcast, please review the show and share it with the women in your life. Your support not only helps the show grow, but also spreads the message of self love– from intuitive eating to positive body image to self compassion as a whole. Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

People mistakenly believe that self worth lives in the mind. Like if you just think confident thoughts or repeat affirmations like “I’m a worthy woman,” it’ll magically click. But if you’ve ever tried to think your way into feeling like you are enough, you’ve probably noticed… it doesn’t last. That’s because true self worth doesn’t start in your head — it starts in your body.In this episode, Mary talks with Beatriz Victoria Albina, a Somatic Life Coach and author of End Emotional Outsourcing, to explore how reconnecting with your body can transform your relationship with yourself. Béa explains that so many women have been taught to “emotionally outsource” — to base their worth on other people’s validation, approval, or emotions. Traditionally, this has been labeled as codependency, but Béa offers a more compassionate lens that helps us understand why we do it and how to heal.Together, they unpack what emotional outsourcing really means, how to regulate your nervous system, and how to come back home to yourself. This conversation will help you move beyond people pleasing and perfectionism and into a sense of embodied safety — where self worth isn’t something you have to prove, but something you feel.In this episode, you will learn…why and how self worth starts in the bodywhat emotional outsourcing is and how it differs from codependencyhow to break free from self abandonment and practice self compassionways to stop chronically people pleasing and detach from others’ emotions Beatriz Victoria Albina, NP, MPH, SEP (she/her) is a UCSF-trained Family Nurse Practitioner, Somatic Experiencing Practitioner, Master Certified Somatic Life Coach, author of "End Emotional Outsourcing: a Guide to Overcoming Codependent, Perfectionist and People Pleasing Habits" (published Sept 30) and Breathwork Meditation Guide with a passion for helping humans socialized as women to reconnect with their bodies, regulate their nervous systems and rewire their minds, so they can break free from codependency, perfectionism and people pleasing and reclaim their joy. She is the host of the Feminist Wellness Podcast, holds a Masters degree in Public Health from Boston University School of Public Health and a BA in Latin American Studies from Oberlin College. Born in Mar del Plata, Argentina, Béa grew up in the great state of Rhode Island. She has been working in health & wellness for over 20 years and lives with her wife, Billey Albina and their handsome all-black cat Wade.🌿 Order Béa’s book End Emotional Outsourcing → beatrizalbina.com/book/🧘‍♀️ Try her free meditations → beatrizalbina.com/free-meditations/💌 Follow Béa on IG → @beatrizvictoriaalbinanp💖 Tag @maryspodcast and share this episode with the women in your life to spread the gift of self love! Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Self love isn’t a one-time epiphany; it’s a lifelong practice of coming home to yourself. True self-love is rooted in deep self-awareness — because you can’t fully love yourself without first knowing yourself.This Best Of Mary’s Cup of Tea episode brings together some of my favorite clips about healing through self-love. My hope is that these reminders meet you exactly where you are and offer a gentle nudge to keep showing up for yourself, even when the path feels messy or uncertain.In this episode, you’ll hear about:why the cure to burnout is NOT self carehow to detach your self worth from your productivitytools for healing from heartbreak and breakupsa simple trick for practicing compassionate self talkthe power of slowing down and restinghow to hold onto hope when everything sucksways to reconnect with yourself when you feel lostsimple, grounded ways to prioritize self love every daymindset shifts for self love, confidence, and knowing that you are enough Whether you’re coming out of burnout, trying to separate your worth from your work, or putting yourself back together after heartbreak, this episode is your reminder that self-love isn’t selfish. It’s essential. ✨ Deepen your self love journey with the full episodes featured:#237: 7 Self-Love Lessons I’m Taking Into My 27th Birthday#243: How to stay hopeful, soulful, and joyful with Victoria Hutchins#217: The Mistake We Make with Self-Love#180: Detaching Self-Worth from Productivity#138: Healing from Heartbreak#223: Dear Mary, how do I know if I’m on the right path?How to Love Yourself Through Trauma, Grief, and Chronic PainEp. 177: The Power of Slowing DownEp. 209: The Cure for Burnout is Not Self-Care with Amelia NagoskiEp. 156: Compassionate Self Talk#212: How To Be Honest with Yourself#122: Your Self-Love Survival Guide for When Everything Sucks#186: 5 Habits that Have Made Me a Better Person Listen to the other episodes in this Best of Mary’s Cup of Tea Series:Eating Disorder Recovery Tools for Women Who Are DONE with Diet CultureBody Love & Self Worth for Women Who Hate Beauty StandardsFemale Friendships Advice for Women Who Crave Deeper ConnectionHealthy Relationship Advice for Women Who Value Love That LastsMental Health & Mindset Shifts for Women Who Feel StuckConfidence Practices for Women Who Want to Trust Themselves AgainSelf Love Reminders for Women Who Are Ready for Healing Deepen your self love journey with Mary’s books:The Gift of Self-Love, an interactive workbook to help you build confidence, recognize your worth, and learn to finally love yourself.100 Days of Self-Love, a guided journal with 100 prompts for calming self-criticism and learning to love yourself.Follow Mary on IG: @maryscupofteaa and @maryspodcastIf you’re enjoying our self love podcast, share it with the women in your life to continue spreading the self love tea! Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Confidence isn’t something you either have or you don’t — it’s something you practice, lose, question, rebuild, and redefine a hundred times over.This “Best Of Mary’s Cup of Tea” episode brings together some of the most powerful confidence advice. Whether you’re rebuilding your self confidence after a setback, learning to trust yourself again, or simply trying to quiet that inner critic, this episode is your reminder that confidence is a practice. It’s for women who want to embody AUTHENTIC confidence.We will unpack…signs that you’re struggling with self confidencemindset shifts that will help you feel more confidentwhy your insecurities might secretly be your strengthsadvice from my teen sister (aka my confidence icon) on embracing your uniquenesshow to stop comparing yourself to other versions of youways to deal with criticism and rejectionhow the language we use shapes our worldviewwhy affirmations don’t work (and what to do instead)what purpose means in the context of self lovehow to deal with uncertainty and self doubtWhether you’re looking to boost your confidence or learn to trust yourself again, let this episode be a reminder of your self worth.If you want to dive deeper into the confidence tips, here are the full episodes:Full episodes:Ep. 167: 5 Signs You’re Struggling with Self ConfidenceEp. 251: Delusional Mindset Shifts that Will Instantly Boost Your ConfidenceEp. 197: The Only Way to Conquer InsecuritiesConfidence Advice for Teen Girls Feat. My 17-Year-Old Sister (video)Ep. 127: Nervous About Your Purpose? Listen to this.Ep. 189: 5 Thought Patterns Keeping You Stuck in a Negative MindsetEp. 202: Dealing with CriticismEp. 69: Is Diet Culture a Cult? with Amanda MontellEp. 183: The Best Book on CommunicationHow To Build Confidence Through Mindfulness with Dr. Ellen LangerEp. 66: Dealing with Uncertainty, Fear, and DoubtEp. 57: Why Affirmations Don’t Work (and What to Do Instead)Ep. 135: On Being a Multi-Passionate, Empathetic Creative with Arielle Estoria💡 If you’re enjoying this self love podcast, share it with the women in your life!Deepen your self love journey with Mary’s books:*The Gift of Self-Love,* an interactive workbook to help you build confidence, recognize your worth, and learn to finally love yourself.*100 Days of Self-Love,* a guided journal with 100 prompts for calming self-criticism and learning to love yourself.Follow Mary Jelkovsky on Instagram: @maryscupofteaa and @maryspodcast Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Taking care of your mental health is never one-size-fits-all, especially for women who experience self-criticism, overwhelm, and constant comparison.This is part of our “Best Of Mary’s Cup of Tea” series, where I gathered some of the most powerful conversations we’ve had across 250+ episodes. Today’s episode focuses on mental health and positive mindset shifts for women who are ready to get unstuck.You’ll hear clips on…motivating yourself with self compassion vs. self criticismletting go of control and perfectionismwhy women must approach mindset work through a feminist perspectivehow to redefine success on your termshealing your relationship to money and abundancethe underrated power of enthusiasmmantras to carry you through hard timeshow to process emotions effectivelycoping with feeling lost or “behind” in lifeusing the power of your mindset to cope with mental health strugglesLet this compilation be one giant reminder that you are enough and you are not alone. This self love podcast is here to support your mental health and mindset.✨ Deepen your journey with the full episodes on our self-love podcast:Ep 101: Stop Judging YourselfEp. 250: Productivity Meets Self-Compassion: Overcome Overwhelm with Oliver BurkemanEp. 207: Why Women Are Trapped in the Virgin/Mother/Whore Paradigm & How to Break Free w/ Kara Loewentheil, J.D.Ep 98: How to Cope with Capitalism and Embrace Courageous Living with Rha GoddessEp 189: 5 Thought Patterns Keeping You Stuck in a Negative MindsetEp. 53: Money, Abundance, and Alignment with Melyssa GriffinEp 195: The Most Underrated EmotionEp 134: How to Stop Struggling and Start LivingEp 90: To My PerfectionistsEp 226: 5 Mantras to Get You Through Hard TimesEp 224: How to Process Feelings and Emotions EffectivelyEp 233: Motivating Yourself with Self CompassionEp 163: Feeling Lost? Listen to this.Ep 185: Feeling Behind in Life? This one's for you.💡 If you’re enjoying this self love podcast, please share it with a friend who could use a gentle reminder that they’re not alone.Deepen your self-love journey with Mary’s books:*The Gift of Self-Love,* an interactive workbook to help you build confidence, recognize your worth, and learn to finally love yourself.*100 Days of Self-Love,* a guided journal with 100 prompts for calming self-criticism and learning to love yourself.Follow Mary Jelkovsky on Instagram: @maryscupofteaa and @maryspodcast Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.