The Trouble With Fixing | Ep 151

I can drain my energy thinking about recording a podcast before I’ve even opened my outline. Am I feeling creative? Have I got enough energy? Will it be good enough?Energy's going out...but I haven’t actually done anything.In this episode, I’m talking about the difference between thinking and executing, and how we make work feel harder by repeatedly reopening decisions we’ve already made.If you’ve ever:Put off work because you weren’t feeling creative, inspired or energetic enoughMade a plan, then questioned itDelayed something because it might not be your best workFound that a task was far less difficult than you’d imaginedIn this episode, we cover:Useful planningHow anticipating drains energy The Avoider pattern How perfectionism and high standards get in the way of executionHow to focus on the task, rather than the outcome.I can consciously change a plan when circumstances change. But if nothing has changed, I don’t need a debate about whether I feel like doing it.You can find out more about working with me at www.kayaramjee.com

For years, I had a fantasy about my perfect birthday. My husband would organise everything, get every detail exactly right and surprise me.And when the day inevitably didn't match the fantasy, I'd feel disappointed, upset and usually end up in tears.In this episode, I'm sharing how two of my self-sabotaging thinking patterns, Stickler and Victim, were turning my birthday into an annual meltdown. And how recognising those patterns empowered me to completely change my experience.If you've ever:Had a very specific picture of how a birthday, holiday or special occasion should unfold, only to feel disappointed when reality doesn't match.Expected your partner to somehow know exactly what you want (without actually telling them).Felt let down when somebody didn't organise something the way you would have.Allowed somebody else's mood, energy or behaviour to determine whether you enjoy yourself.Found yourself getting upset about things not going to plan.In this episode, we cover:How the Stickler and Victim thinking patterns work together to create disappointment.How I recognised that I was creating my own birthday disappointment, year after year.What I did differently when organising my birthday trip to Seville this year.This episode is about recognising where your thinking is creating your own unnecessary unhappiness.You can find out more about working with me at www.kayaramjee.com

What if we've got the whole idea of making the world a better place the wrong way round?Last month, I went to see Gabor Maté speak in London. He shared an idea that really spoke to me, because it summed up something I've believed for a long time.We can spend so much time focusing on everything that's wrong that we overlook what's already good.I'm talking about being discerning about where we place our attention.What we focus on influences what we notice, how we feel and the opportunities we recognise to contribute something good.In this episode, I explore the difference between judging and discerning, and how our mental patterns influence the lens through which we experience the world.I share why I sometimes find myself feeling out of alignment in environments dominated by fear and how the Judge saboteur trains our attention towards what's wrong, and what mental fitness teaches us about choosing a different perspective.I also share a beautiful story about a friend who recognised an opportunity. If you've ever:Found yourself overwhelmed by everything that's wrong in the world and wondered what you can actually do about it.Spent hours consuming negative news, only to feel more fearful, angry or hopeless.Felt frustrated by how much attention people give to problems while overlooking the goodness that already exists.Believed that making a difference means fixing problems or changing something enormous.Wanted to contribute something meaningful but felt powerless in the face of things outside your control.In this episode, we cover:The idea that goodness doesn't need to defeat evil in order to exist, expand and grow.Why focusing on everything that's wrong can prevent us from noticing what's already good.The difference between discernment, judgment and denial, and why being informed doesn't mean immersing yourself in darkness.How the Judge saboteur influences your perspective, and how mental fitness trains you to recognise more possibilities.Why you don't need to fix somebody's problems to make a meaningful difference in their life.How to recognise and act on opportunities to contribute kindness, connection and goodness in your everyday life.We can become so preoccupied with everything that needs to change in the world that we overlook what we can do today.You don't need to wait for a better government, a more loving society or somebody else to do something.And you don't need to solve someone's problems before you can bring something good into their life.Where can you add light right now?You can find out more about working with me at www.kayaramjee.com

If you know you're good at your job, why do you keep convincing yourself?If you know you haven't done anything wrong, why do you spend so much time justifying your actions?The mental pattern I often see in my executive coaching clients who are highly intelligent and analytical...Is called Hyper-Rational.While being logical, analytical and evidence-driven are incredibly useful strengths, this thinking pattern will have you spending hours trying to convince yourself that you shouldn't feel an emotion you're already experiencing.You might be worried about your performance at work, despite having excellent feedback and knowing you're doing a great job.Or you might spend hours replaying a difficult conversation, explaining to yourself why you were right and the other person was wrong.Underneath all that explaining, there is an emotion. It could be fear, guilt, anxiety or insecurity...and you haven't acknowledged it.In this episode, I'm exploring how the mental patterns of Hyper-Rational, Hyper-Vigilant and Judge can work together to create an exhausting internal debate. And why all that rationalising and justifying often leaves you feeling just as worried, guilty or anxious as you did before.I also share a simple mental fitness practice to help you recognise this pattern, stop arguing with yourself and acknowledge what you're actually experiencing.If you've ever:Known you're doing a good job but repeatedly had to convince yourself that you're not going to fail.Spent hours replaying a conversation, justifying what you said and why you were right.Told yourself you shouldn't feel worried, guilty or upset because there's no logical reason to.Tried to reassure yourself with facts and evidence, only to find another worry immediately takes its place.Felt mentally exhausted from analysing situations that you can't seem to stop thinking about.In this episode, we cover:How the Hyper-Rational thinking pattern turns your natural analytical strengths into a source of mental exhaustion.Why Hyper-Vigilant and Hyper-Rational can keep you stuck in an endless soap opera back and forth.How the Judge adds another layer of judgment by telling you what you should and shouldn't feel.The difference between acknowledging an emotion and trying to explain or justify it.How to use mental fitness to stop the endless internal chatterYou don't have to prove that an emotion makes sense before you're allowed to experience it.And you don't need to spend hours building a rational argument for why you shouldn't be feeling something you already feel.All that thinking is draining energy. Energy you could be using for something else.You can find out more about working with me at www.kayaramjee.com

ou have a plan. You have the time. You genuinely want to get things done. But instead, you spend hours doing absolutely everything...except the thing you planned.And then you give yourself a hard time about it.In this episode, I'm exploring why we procrastinate, even when we're motivated to make progress, and how three thinking patterns can keep us stuck in an exhausting cycle of perfectionism, avoidance and self-judgment.These three saboteur thinking patterns are Stickler, Avoider and the Judge, and they work together to turn an ordinary to-do list into a battle.I found myself procrastinating earlier this week. I'd planned a day of creative work, but I couldn't bring myself to get started. Rather than forcing myself to follow the plan, I used mental fitness to spot the pattern and change it in real time, turning what started as an unproductive day into five hours of meaningful progress.If you've ever:Planned a productive day, only to find yourself doing absolutely everything except 'the plan.'Put off an important task because it feels too big or overwhelming to start.Decided that if you can't do something properly, you might as well not do it at all.Spent hours procrastinating and then criticised yourself for being lazy or undisciplined.Felt trapped between wanting to make progress and having absolutely no desire to do what's on your schedule.In this episode, we cover:The three thinking patterns behind procrastination: Stickler, Avoider and Judge.How perfectionism turns your natural high standards into obstacles.Why avoidance can feel rewarding in the moment, even when you're avoiding something that matters to you.The simple question I asked myself that helped me stop procrastinating and start making progress.How to stay committed to your goals while being flexible about how you achieve them.There's a big difference between abandoning your commitments and being flexible about how you fulfil them.Sometimes the most productive thing you can do is stop insisting that progress has to happen exactly as you planned.You can find out more about working with me at www.kayaramjee.com

You can wake up in the morning and, within minutes, convince yourself you're behind, you're not doing enough and half the things you're working on probably aren't going to happen anyway.In this episode, I'm exploring two self-sabotaging thinking patterns that can drain your energy before you've even got out of bed: Hyper-Achiever and Hyper-Rational.Hyper-Achiever constantly reminds you of everything you haven't done, everything that isn't good enough and everything you still need to achieve. Hyper-Rational then builds a convincing, logical argument to support those beliefs.Together, they create a mental spiral that feels like useful thinking, planning or problem-solving. But what you're actually doing is exhausting yourself.I recognise these patterns in my own everyday life, and I know firsthand how difficult they can be to spot when they're working together. In this episode, I'm sharing the simple practice I use while brushing my teeth to interrupt the spiral.If you've ever:Woken up feeling overwhelmed by everything you need to do.Felt guilty about resting.Talked yourself out of an opportunity.Spent your morning worrying about problems that haven't actually happened yet.Found yourself mentally exhausted before your day has even started.In this episode, we cover:How Hyper-Achiever creates the feeling that you're never doing enough.Why Hyper-Rational makes negativity feel logical and justified.How these two mental patterns work together to sabotage your energy.The difference between genuinely useful thinking and mental chatter that's draining you.A simple morning practice to move from automatic thinking into curiosity and awareness.The more you recognise these patterns, the more you begin to understand how much of your everyday experience is being shaped by the voices in your head.And that awareness is where change begins.You can find out more about working with me at www.kayaramjee.com

Someone you love is anxious, stressed or spiralling...and it is contagious.In this episode, I’m exploring what happens when somebody else’s negative emotional experience starts becoming yours.My husband gets extremely anxious around airports and travel. I've been pulled into his anxiety many times: walking on eggshells, trying to manage his emotions, arguing about timings and generally feeling resentful that travelling has to be so stressful.I break down the three mental fitness patterns that show up for me in this situation — Pleaser, Controller and Victim — and what each one makes me do.Everything changed when I stopped trying to control his anxiety and got curious about what was going on and what we both actually needed.And spoiler alert, my need wasn’t actually for him to “stop stressing me the F out.”If you’ve ever:Found yourself absorbing somebody else’s anxiety, anger or stressWalked on eggshells because you’re trying to keep somebody else calmBlamed someone else for being angry, anxious or emotional and ruining your dayFelt resentful because somebody else’s emotions keep affecting yoursIn this episode, we cover:How anxiety and other self-sabotaging patterns become contagiousHow Pleaser, Controller and Victim can show upHow curiosity helps you identify the actual need underneath someone’s behaviourWhy your stated “need” might actually be a complaintHow to move from either/or thinking to andWhat do you need, what do I need, and what becomes possible when neither of us has to lose?You can find out more about working with me at www.kayaramjee.com

Someone you love is anxious. They’re spiralling. They keep coming back to you with the same problem.Does it support them when you making their emotions your responsibility?In this episode, I share a recent experience with my mum that gave me the opportunity to practise mental fitness in real time.I could feel myself being pulled into a very familiar pattern: Pleaser.My automatic response to reassure her, keep explaining and problem-solving and having the same conversation over and over for however long she wants to...whilst becoming increasingly irritated and resentful.Instead, I did something different.This episode explores the difference between empathy and pleasing, why prioritising your own needs can initially feel selfish, and what actually happens when you stop treating someone else’s emotional state as your responsibility.If you’ve ever:Absorbed somebody else’s anxiety, anger or emotional spiralFelt guilty for setting a boundary or prioritising your needsSaid yes or kept engaging while quietly becoming resentfulFelt responsible for making somebody else feel betterIn this episode, we cover:The Pleaser saboteur Why guilt isn't doesn't mean you're doing something wrong The difference between witnessing someone’s emotions and taking responsibility for themHow repeatedly reassuring someone can actually validate the pattern they’re caught inThe distinction between empathy and pleasingWhat it looks like to hold a boundary when someone repeatedly invites you back into an old dynamicMental fitness isn’t about getting to a point where your old patterns never appear. It’s recognising the ordinary moments when they do...and realising that you have another choice.You can find out more about working with me at www.kayaramjee.com

Setting a boundary is not the end of the conversation.Once you’ve stopped yourself from reacting, created space and said “no” — what do you actually do next?In this episode, I’m talking about what clear-headed action looks like after the boundary: how you support yourself first, return to the conversation without getting hijacked, understand what’s really going on and respond differently.I share the breath sequence I use to interrupt automatic patterns and to regulate anxiety quickly before difficult conversations and high-conflict situations.We also look at how to reconnect with someone after confrontation without agreeing with or excusing their behaviour, why asking “What specifically is the problem?” can completely change the conversation, and the leadership trap of continually fixing other people’s problems.Because every time somebody brings you a problem and you solve it for them, you’re training them to bring their problems to you.If you’ve ever:Walked into a difficult conversation already anxious about how someone might behaveAutomatically appeased, fixed or taken responsibility when someone came at you with urgencyFelt bombarded by problems your team expects you to solveTaken over because “it’s quicker if I do it myself”In this episode, we cover:The empathise → explore → activate sequence How I use the 4-7-8 breath to regulate anxiety quicklyHow to reconnect after conflict without validating unacceptable behaviourWhy asking “What specifically is the problem?” creates clarityWhy resistance and discomfort don’t necessarily mean you’re doing something wrongA boundary interrupts the pattern. What you do afterwards determines whether you actually change it.You can find out more about working with me at www.kayaramjee.com

What do you do when someone at work becomes aggressive, confrontational and seems determined to pull you into a fight?When you’re the leader...and everyone is watching.In this episode, I share a conversation with a CEO client who has been experiencing crippling anxiety while navigating aggressive and confrontational behaviour within his leadership team.We explore what’s actually happening in those moments and about the practice of not making it wrong...Your anxiety, anger or discomfort, and also the emotions of the person in front of you.Because witnessing someone’s anger is different from getting into the fight with them. Empathy doesn’t mean tolerating poor behaviour. And having a boundary doesn’t require you to make the other person wrong.If you’ve ever:Been on the receiving end of aggressive or confrontational behaviour at work.Felt anxious before a meeting because you’re anticipating conflict.Felt pressure to immediately know what to say when someone challenges you.Found yourself becoming defensive or getting pulled into an argument.Judged yourself for being affected by someone else’s behaviour.In this episode, we cover:Why anxiety is a completely normal response to confrontation.What happens when you judge yourself for feeling anxious.How empathy and strong boundaries can exist at the same time.How to interrupt repeated patterns of conflict by deciding your response in advance.People can—and will—invite you into a fight.Mental fitness is creating enough space between what happens outside of you and how you respond to recognise that you don’t have to accept the invitation.You can find out more about working with me at www.kayaramjee.com