Ep 145 Aging Without Children: Finding Connection and Support

How do you know when a behavior that feels normal has become a problem? Colleen Clifford spent decades binge drinking without seeing herself as someone with an alcohol problem. Her work as a commercial fisherwoman even gave her long periods without alcohol, which made it easier to believe that everything was under control. Then, at 58, she drove home drunk after a party. Nothing happened. No accident, no ticket, no one was hurt. But the realization of what could have happened changed her relationship with alcohol. In this conversation, we explore the question Colleen now encourages others to ask: How is it working for me? We talk about normalized drinking, shame and coping mechanisms, the role of support, the importance of having a strong reason for change, and why it can be more helpful to focus on the next hour or the next day than on “forever.” We also compare our own experiences of changing deeply ingrained behaviors. Colleen describes building change gradually through support, identity, and repeated choices. I share part of my own history with bulimia, where change eventually came through a very different kind of realization. A conversation about alcohol, but also about something much broader: recognizing when a way of coping is no longer serving us, and finding a way forward without making shame part of the solution. Colleen Clifford is a commercial fisherwoman, author, and advocate for binge drinking awareness and suicide prevention. She is the author of Life Beyond the Binge: A Commercial Fisherwoman's Journey Home. This episode includes discussion of binge drinking, bulimia, drunk driving, and suicide.

Growing older without children sometimes leaves me wondering who will be there when I need support. During an unexpected four-day hospital stay, a connection with my roommate gave that concern a different perspective. We began by chatting and helping with everyday things. Over time, I learned more about her life and the people who support her, including people outside her family. Before I left, we exchanged numbers. Now we’re staying in touch through WhatsApp. In this personal episode, I explore: Why having children and having support in later life are different questions. How small acts of help became a meaningful part of my own hospital stay. What discovering an unexpected capacity for patience made me reconsider about myself. How sharing appreciation for the staff may have influenced our experience. This continues the reflections from my recent episodes on aging and staying calm under pressure, and connects with the relationship module in the resilience course Tobias and I are offering. Course information: Contact me at [email protected]

I recently spent six and a half hours waiting for surgery, including ninety minutes right outside the operating room. And to my own surprise, I wasn't nervous or impatient. I was remarkably calm. In this episode, I share what helped me, from practicing the physiological sigh to connecting with the nurse who stayed beside me, and why I believe regular micro-resilience exercises made a difference. I also talk about the extraordinary kindness I experienced from hospital staff, the difference between surrendering control and giving up responsibility, and a moment several days later when some of my old health anxiety unexpectedly returned. Because staying calm isn't about never experiencing fear. It's about developing the ability to recognize our reactions and respond differently. A personal reflection on self-regulation, trust, acceptance, human connection, and what it really means to lead yourself when life doesn't go according to plan.

AI can offer useful answers, but what do clients value beyond them? I reflect on my own use of AI and why warmth, feeling heard, and support in difficult moments still matter in my coaching work. As demand for expertise changes, what do people seek from you that goes beyond an explanation?

What happens when something you’ve always imagined doing “someday” becomes something you can no longer do? Since turning 60, I’ve been noticing how getting older changes my view of the future. Some opportunities are closing, and some goodbyes carry more weight. At the same time, I’m learning to become a dog trainer, returning to the piano after about 40 years, and spending time with kittens at an animal shelter. In this personal episode, I reflect on aging, relationships, loss, and the possibilities that remain. I also explore a question that matters at any age: Is something truly no longer possible, or have we simply assumed it is? We can acknowledge what we miss and still give attention to what we want to learn, experience, or begin. What is one meaningful “not yet” in your life?

What happens to your judgment when you feel you have to prove that you belong in the room? Consultant and author Alan Weiss joins me to discuss self-worth, confidence, and leadership under pressure. He shares the story of a decisive meeting with a CEO and explains why he believes fear, stress, and guilt can mask our talent. We also explore how to recover from setbacks, whose feedback to trust, and what accountability looks like when a leader has limited authority. I ask him about the cost of unpopular decisions, and what to do when pressure makes your mind go blank. Alan’s forthcoming book is The Courage of Your Talent. Learn more at https://alanweiss.com/

Fear of missing out doesn’t always mean wanting something you’ve never considered. Sometimes, someone else’s decision makes what you’re already doing feel like it isn’t enough. When a friend started studying psychology, I immediately began looking for a degree program myself. I was already learning about psychology through reading and training, but suddenly I wanted the qualification too. A closed enrollment window gave me time to remember something I had wanted for much longer. In this episode of Lead Well! Yourself and Others, I explore FOMO, social comparison, and the pressure to keep achieving, even when part of you is content with where you are. I draw on Deci and Ryan’s self-determination theory to look at how genuine interest and internal pressure can influence the same decision. We’ll also look at what social media adds to that pressure, how to notice what your inner voice is saying, and what you can do when something matters to you but time or money is limited. A personal reflection on choosing what matters to you when there will always be more you could do.

What if the voice telling you that you are not good enough is not the truth, but an old recording? Nasheer Mohammad grew up with epilepsy and gradually came to believe that he was broken and would always be limited. Years later, during his first corporate presentation, his mind went blank and the familiar message returned: “You are not good enough.” That moment helped him recognize how strongly his inner dialogue was shaping his choices. Today, Nasheer is an author, speaker and coach, as well as the author of The Silent Saboteur. In this conversation, we explore where the inner critic comes from, what it may be trying to protect us from, and how to distinguish destructive self-criticism from useful reflection. Nasheer also shares a simple three-step practice: stop, breathe and choose your response. Because the inner critic may never disappear completely, but we do not have to believe or obey everything it says.

What are you chasing, and why? For years, Sonny Garg had an impressive answer to the first part of that question. Harvard, a White House Fellowship, executive leadership and ever greater professional success. But eventually he realized that achievement had become closely tied to his sense of self-worth. Sonny is the author of *Desi 2.0: My Family’s American Dream and the Cost of Never Being Enough*. In this conversation, we talk about achievement addiction, inherited expectations and what happens when external success no longer feels like success. We explore the difference between ambition and the need to prove yourself, how our identity shapes the way we lead, résumé virtues versus eulogy virtues, and Sonny’s concept of the “Minimally Viable Me.” Perhaps the most important idea is that Sonny did not become less ambitious. He changed what his ambition was for. A conversation about success, agency, leadership and learning to define your worth from the inside rather than waiting for the world to define it for you.

Why do we so quickly look for someone to blame when something goes wrong? I started thinking about this after the devastating glacier collapse in Nepal. While scientists were still trying to understand exactly what had happened, explanations and accusations were already spreading online. And it made me wonder: Why is “we don’t know yet” so difficult for us? In this episode, I explore the psychology behind blame and why having a culprit can sometimes feel more comfortable than living with uncertainty. We look at the difference between fear and anger, what happens when we lose our sense of control, and why our minds are so quick to create a story that explains what happened. I also bring this back to everyday life and leadership. When a project fails, a colleague disappoints us or something simply does not go as expected, are we really looking for understanding? Or are we looking for someone who can carry the blame? And, as so often, working with animals has taught me something important here too: to come back to what is actually happening before adding my interpretation. A reflection on blame, accountability, uncertainty and what it means to stay curious long enough to see clearly.