Fair is the Four Letter Word: Why Chasing Fairness Keeps People Stuck in Divorce

Send Us a Message (include your contact info if you'd like a reply)Fair sounds virtuous, but it’s the quiet saboteur of many divorce negotiations. We pull back the curtain on how fairness language derails progress, fuels story stacking, and turns negotiations into a tribunal of the past instead of a plan for the future. When each person holds a private definition of “fair,” the gap widens, defensiveness rises, and workable options get torpedoed—not because they fail the kids or the law, but because they fail a sense of symmetry.We make the case for a different target: good enough. That doesn’t mean settling for less; it means designing an agreement that functions under stress, reduces future touch points, and keeps emotional reengagement to a minimum. You’ll hear how to stress-test proposals with real-life questions—what happens when communication breaks down, when one parent is tired, or when compliance wobbles—and why agreements should be built for human behavior, not ideal behavior. We also draw a clear boundary: courts and mediation structures allocate responsibility and create enforceable terms; they don’t repair emotional inequity. Trying to extract justice from a system built for decisions guarantees frustration.If you’re a divorce professional or coach, we share practical tools to help clients move from moral certainty to strategic flexibility, normalize disappointment as part of transition, and measure success by fewer future conflicts. And if you’re navigating divorce yourself, this conversation offers a steady off-ramp: stop chasing perfect balance and start building sustainable peace. Ready to trade fairness for function and finally get finished? Subscribe, share this episode with a colleague or friend, and leave a review with your biggest takeaway or question—we’d love to hear what “good enough” looks like for you. Learn more about DCA® or any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:Website: www.divorcecoachesacademy.comInstagram: @divorcecoachesacademyLinkedIn: divorce-coaches-academyEmail: [email protected]

Send Us a Message (include your contact info if you'd like a reply)Trust accelerates the work. That simple idea sits at the heart of our conversation with betrayal trauma specialist and DCA-certified ADR divorce coach, Christina Riley, as we explore why representation isn’t a tagline—it’s a performance driver in divorce coaching and mediation. Clients don’t arrive as blank slates; they bring history, stress responses, and a relationship to systems that can either inflame or calm conflict. When cultural understanding is present from the start, the nervous system settles and the coaching room turns from explanation into strategy.We talk candidly about the access gap at the entry point: why many people in underrepresented communities delay support not because they don’t need it, but because they’re unsure the space will be safe or relevant. That delay has costs—escalated conflict, higher expenses, and harder-to-repair ruptures. Christina shares how Black clients intentionally seek coaches who share lived experience to reduce emotional labor, build early trust, and gain the clarity needed for mediation, parenting plans, and settlement conversations. The payoff is practical and immediate: clearer goals, stronger boundaries, and a sharper distinction between what genuinely matters and what’s merely emotionally loud.We also examine the profession’s responsibility. Neutrality doesn’t demand sameness. Competence includes cultural literacy, rigorous standards, and ethical practice that adapts to reality without diluting quality. Training organizations like Divorce Coaches Academy can widen the pipeline while maintaining high bars through mentorship, community, and honest conversations about barriers. Lived experience is not a liability; paired with strong training, it’s a lens that improves outcomes across ADR.If you care about early intervention, reduced conflict, and durable agreements, this conversation is an invitation to build inclusion thoughtfully and on purpose. Listen, share with someone who needs to hear it, and subscribe to stay part of a community shaping a more effective, accessible divorce coaching field.Connect with Christina at Christina Riley Coaching here: christinariley.comNot yet a DCA Certified Divorce Coach? Apply for the next cohort which begins Jan 11, 2026. Find out details here: https://www.divorcecoachesacademy.com/divorcecoach Learn more about DCA® or any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:Website: www.divorcecoachesacademy.comInstagram: @divorcecoachesacademyLinkedIn: divorce-coaches-academyEmail: [email protected]

Send Us a Message (include your contact info if you'd like a reply)Feeling uneasy about AI crowding into divorce work? We felt it too—so we sat down to map where technology actually helps and where only a trained human can do the job. From polished emails to calmer exchanges, AI can create a crucial pause. But growth doesn’t happen in a prompt; it happens when someone learns why they got triggered, how their conflict dance repeats, and what to do differently when the stakes are high.We unpack the real distinction between outputs and capacity. Tools like ChatGPT or specialized mediation apps can reflect language back, suggest phrasing, and organize priorities. That can make mediation smoother and lower emotional heat. Still, readiness is not a checklist. ADR‑aligned divorce coaches assess power dynamics, spot coercive control, adapt when a client shuts down or floods, and coordinate with mediators and attorneys to protect meaningful participation. That’s relational, ethical, in‑the‑moment work—work that builds durable skills clients carry into co‑parenting, future negotiations, and new relationships.Looking toward 2026, the field is shifting. Coaches who sell scripts or generic advice will feel replaceable. Coaches who anchor in behavior change, early dispute resolution, and measurable capacity building will thrive. We share practical ways to integrate AI as a supportive tool while staying squarely in the human lane: transferring skills, not just smoothing moments; creating sturdiness, not just calm copy; and saving families time, money, and unnecessary harm through true readiness. If you’re committed to high standards and future‑focused practice, this conversation will help you sharpen your role, refine your offer, and lead with clarity.If this resonates, subscribe, share with a colleague, and leave a review. Ready to level up? Our next ADR‑aligned divorce coaching certification begins January 11—join us at divorcecoachesacademy.com. Learn more about DCA® or any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:Website: www.divorcecoachesacademy.comInstagram: @divorcecoachesacademyLinkedIn: divorce-coaches-academyEmail: [email protected]

Send Us a Message (include your contact info if you'd like a reply)The phrase “I just want this over with” shows up every December like clockwork. Tracy unpacks why that sentence is both deeply human and a vital signal that capacity is low—and why mistaking urgency for readiness can derail agreements, parenting plans, and trust long after the paperwork is signed.We map how the holidays act as a compression chamber: emotional labor spikes, financial realities surface, and the symbolic reset of January creates an internal deadline that feels like clarity but is really fatigue. From an ADR lens, speed can look like competence while quietly shifting costs to the back end—where resentment, post-decree litigation, and co-parenting friction explode once the fog lifts. Tracy walks through a familiar case pattern: late-night “agreements” struck under strain that later collapse under scrutiny, not because people lied, but because they were buying relief, not building sustainability.Then we get practical. You’ll hear the coaching moves that stabilize high-pressure moments: separating what feels urgent from what is, sequencing decisions instead of collapsing them, and pausing when regulation is low. We dig into language discipline—avoiding finality words that cement premature decisions—and show how to reframe early alignment as provisional so clients enter negotiation with flexibility, curiosity, and informed consent. The theme is simple and hard: readiness is capacity, not a feeling. Our job is to absorb urgency without amplifying it and to protect the process so January’s volume doesn’t masquerade as clarity.If you work in divorce and family dispute resolution, this is your recalibration for “divorce month.” January doesn’t need faster divorces; it needs steadier professionals who treat “I just want this over with” as a cue to slow the pace, expand perspective, and build outcomes that hold. Listen, share with a colleague who needs this reminder, and if the episode helped you lead with steadiness, subscribe and leave a review so more practitioners can find it. Learn more about DCA® or any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:Website: www.divorcecoachesacademy.comInstagram: @divorcecoachesacademyLinkedIn: divorce-coaches-academyEmail: [email protected]

Send Us a Message (include your contact info if you'd like a reply)Wondering if a sustainable divorce coaching practice is really possible—or how to build one without burning out or getting lost in theory? We sit down with DCA-certified coach Lyerly Spongberg to unpack the exact steps she took to turn rigorous ADR training, mentor feedback, and a growth mindset into steady client results and a business with clear momentum.We start with the decision point: moving from life coaching to a dispute resolution lens that gives clients structure, calms chaos, and prepares them for mediation and attorney meetings. Lyerly shares how she internalized DCA frameworks, leaned into mentor coaching, and used tools like strategic empathy, EAR statements, BIF responses, and nonviolent communication to help clients communicate clearly and avoid escalation. A memorable client story shows how planning the divorce conversation—when, where, and how—can transform years of hesitation into a grounded, empowered step forward.Then we zoom out to the practice model. Lyerly explains the business choices that created traction: SMART goals, consistent educational content, intentional networking, and advanced training in high conflict, co-parenting, and trauma-informed coercive control. We talk about pre-mediation coaching as a game-changer for better outcomes, collaboration with legal and mediation professionals, and how these learnable skills carry into co-parenting and future relationships. Finally, we explore scalable offerings—downloadable guides, professional talks, local hubs, and group coaching—that meet clients where they are and build sustainable visibility.If you’re building or refining a divorce coaching practice, you’ll leave with a roadmap you can use: anchor your work in ADR, practice until the tools become second nature, design services that fit your strengths, and measure success by calmer conversations and healthier outcomes for families. Subscribe, share with a colleague who needs this, and leave a review with the one ADR tool you want to master next.About Lyerly:Lyerly Spongberg is a DCA Certified ADR Divorce Coach, Certified DCA Pre-Mediation Coach, Co-Parenting Specialist, and Trauma-Informed Coercive Control Coach. She works nationally with clients navigating divorce to calm chaos, reduce overwhelm, and improve outcomes—ultimately saving them time, money, and emotional energy throughout the process.In addition to her professional training, Lyerly brings a unique depth of lived experience. After navigating her own high-conflict divorce in her 30s, she later married a widower with four children—and for nearly two decades has raised a blended family of six.Through her coaching practice, Step Up With Lyerly, she supports clients at every stage of the divorce process—from early decision-making through post-divorce restructuring—with a focus on clarity, stability, and child-centered strategies. Lyerly lives in CT with her husband and their two rescue dogs, Ruby and Daisy.Where to connect with Lyerly:Website - https://stepupwithlyerly.comInstagram - https://www.instagram.com/stepup_withlyerlyEmail: Learn more about DCA® or any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:Website: www.divorcecoachesacademy.comInstagram: @divorcecoachesacademyLinkedIn: divorce-coaches-academyEmail: [email protected]

Send Us a Message (include your contact info if you'd like a reply)When the words “narcissist” or “toxic” hit the table, the conversation often derails. We take a different path—away from labels and toward behavior—so clients can make safer, smarter decisions during divorce without stepping into clinical territory. Tracy lays out a clear, ethical approach that validates harm, respects mental health needs, and keeps our work aligned with the dispute resolution standards that serve families best.We explore the two truths that often coexist: some clients endure harmful, destabilizing behavior, and some are facing a spouse with legitimate mental health needs deserving compassion and dignity. Instead of reducing people to diagnoses, we examine what actually shows up in the process: escalation patterns, emotional regulation, reliability, responsiveness, and communication capacity. Through practical prompts—What does the behavior look like? When does it escalate? How does it affect your choices?—we convert emotional chaos into strategic clarity, boundaries, and safety plans.We also tackle mediation viability as a functional, not clinical, question. Mediation requires predictability, transparency, and the willingness to repair communication ruptures; when those behaviors are absent, progress stalls regardless of labels. You’ll hear how to reframe inflammatory language, design behavior-based participation plans, and maintain professional boundaries that build trust across the ADR ecosystem. The result is a pragmatic, compassionate model that protects clients, preserves dignity on both sides, and elevates our field through clear roles and standards.If the goal is durable agreements and healthier co-parenting, behavior must lead. Subscribe, share with a colleague, and leave a review to help us spread ethical, ADR-aligned divorce coaching. And if you’re ready to go deeper, join our next ADR Divorce Coach Certification Cohort starting January 11, 2026 at DivorceCoachesAcademy.com. Learn more about DCA® or any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:Website: www.divorcecoachesacademy.comInstagram: @divorcecoachesacademyLinkedIn: divorce-coaches-academyEmail: [email protected]

Send Us a Message (include your contact info if you'd like a reply)The holidays promise cheer, yet for many families they amplify tension, unmet expectations, and quiet grief. We open the door to a calmer path by guiding clients through a practical, humane pre-decision continuum that reduces conflict before lawyers, filings, or ultimatums take center stage. Since January is known for a surge in divorce inquiries, we make the case that it should be known for something better: thoughtful coaching that stabilizes emotions and turns fear into informed choice.In this episode, host Tracy Callahan and guest, Dori Braddell, DCA Certified Divorce Coach and Director of Education and Development for DCA Canada, discuss divorce client preparation. They break the journey into three clear stages. First, Stay Well: we focus on stabilization and containment—sleep, nutrition, mindfulness, supportive connection—and name the SCARF triggers (status, certainty, autonomy, relatedness, fairness) that fuel reactivity. We help clients separate emotional distress from decision urgency and build safety plans and communication guardrails. Next, Wait With Intention: a purposeful pause for values clarification and fact-finding. We reverse-engineer desired outcomes for parenting, housing, and cash flow; gather financial data and process options; and model neutral, non-adversarial language. We stay in lane ethically by sharing general information and framing precise attorney questions without offering legal advice. Finally, Go With Purpose: clients convert preparation into action with a scripted, respectful approach to “the talk,” a short-term financial buffer, interim housing choices, parenting status quo, and a calm first agenda that sets the tone for mediation and collaborative solutions.Throughout, we underscore leadership and empathy: the prepared spouse takes care to avoid blindsiding and offers space for the other to process. For fellow coaches and ADR professionals, we share practical readiness tips—open discovery slots, align messaging to “divorce decision month,” refresh templates, and protect your own container against compassion fatigue—so you can meet the January surge with clarity and heart. Preparation is peace. Subscribe, share this episode with a colleague who needs a January playbook, and leave a review telling us which stage your clients struggle with most.To connect Dori through her role with DCA:Dori Braddell, DCA Certified Divorce Coach; Director of Education and Development for DCA Canada Email: [email protected] Dori's private practice: https://www.thedivorcementor.ca/about-me Learn more about DCA® or any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:Website: www.divorcecoachesacademy.comInstagram: @divorcecoachesacademyLinkedIn: divorce-coaches-academyEmail: [email protected]

Send Us a Message (include your contact info if you'd like a reply)Divorce can knock the wind out of the protector identity many men carry. We explore what happens when that role shakes, why so many dads go silent, and how outcome-oriented coaching can turn conflict into a proving ground for empathy, clarity, and calm co-parenting. In this DCA Podcast episode, Tracy welcomes JH Harper, a DCA-certified ADR divorce coach and executive communication coach, who works primarily with fathers. Together we get practical about the tools that actually help: the three phrases men struggle to say without a caveat (“I’m sorry,” “I don’t know,” “I need help”), cognitive empathy through role-play, and the SCARF model for mapping triggers around status, certainty, autonomy, relatedness, and fairness.We dig into the stories men tell themselves—about failure, blame, and masculinity—and replace them with questions that move things forward. What kind of dad do you want to be in five years? What experience do you want your child to have at big milestones when both parents share the room? Instead of staring at the obstacle, we focus on future mapping, micro-scripts for hard conversations, and agreements that stabilize kids’ routines. JH shares how fatherhood becomes a live wire to empathy and purpose, and why “combat is optional” can be a north star during negotiations and co-parenting.You’ll hear honest talk about the loneliness men face, shifting gender roles, and the subtle ways language in the divorce space can exclude fathers. Most of all, you’ll get a playbook for redefining strength as accountability, presence, and calm leadership. If you or a dad you love is navigating separation, this conversation offers a way to lift your eyes from the rear-view mirror to the horizon line of a healthier family dynamic.If this resonated, share it with someone who needs it, subscribe for more real-talk on divorce and conflict, and leave a review to help others find the show. Your feedback shapes future conversations.______________________________________JH Harper is a DCA® Certified ADR Divorce Coach. A former journalist, he is also an executive coach who works with high-profile leaders globally on communications principles. He lives in New York City. To follow and connect with JH:Divorce Transition Coaching For Men: Website The Good Change: Substack newsletterInstagram: https://www.instagram.com/divorcecoachfordads  Learn more about DCA® or any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:Website: www.divorcecoachesacademy.comInstagram: @divorcecoachesacademyLinkedIn: divorce-coaches-academyEmail: [email protected]

Send Us a Message (include your contact info if you'd like a reply)When love gets loud, decision-making gets messy. We sit down with family law attorney, mediator, and certified ADR divorce coach Lauren Fair to unpack why support from family and friends often feels good in the moment but can quietly anchor clients in rigid positions. From “my cousin got the house” jurisdiction myths to the rallying effect of loyal allies, we trace how emotional justice can overshadow long-term interests and derail reasonable agreements.Together we map a different path: neutrality, structure, and reality testing. Lauren shares how she helps clients separate feelings from facts, weigh costs against outcomes, and align choices with core values like stability for kids, financial sustainability, and healthier communication. We talk through funding dynamics—when a parent pays for services and expects a say—and how to reset power imbalances without blowing up negotiations. You’ll hear practical tools you can use immediately: boundary scripts that honor love while declining directives, somatic cues to sense whether a choice is grounded, and a simple framework for designing a support circle on purpose.For clients, treat advice as data and keep your hands on the wheel. For family and friends, the most loving move is to listen more and fix less. And for coaches, expect outside opinions to surface weekly and have a clear protocol ready to normalize the noise, test realities, and protect client agency. Love and protection matter, but clarity and resolution move families forward.If this conversation sparked insight, subscribe, share it with a colleague, and leave a review. Your support helps more professionals and families move from chaos to clarity.To reach Lauren and learn more about her practice, visit https://www.sensiblesplitdivorce.com/legal-team/lauren-m-fair/  or reach her by email at [email protected]  Learn more about DCA® or any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:Website: www.divorcecoachesacademy.comInstagram: @divorcecoachesacademyLinkedIn: divorce-coaches-academyEmail: [email protected]

Send Us a Message (include your contact info if you'd like a reply)The hardest part of co-parenting isn’t agreeing when things are calm—it’s knowing exactly what to do when life changes. We unpack how to design a parenting plan that functions like a family operating system: practical, plain-language, and built to reduce conflict before it starts. With DCA ADR Certified Divorce Coach Dori Braddell joining Tracy, we dig into the decisions that matter most—daily schedules, holidays, make-up time, communication, medical and education choices—and show how to write terms that hold up under stress.We talk strategy first. Rather than rely on boilerplate, we coach clients to identify intentions, predict “sticky bits,” and reality test assumptions about the other parent. You’ll hear how to draft three-tier proposals that show flexibility without giving away your core interests, how to keep Amy the amygdala buckled in during tough talks, and how to pick the right process for your situation: kitchen table conversation, mediation, collaborative practice, or a structured four-way. We share simple scripts and boundary tools that make saying no, countering, and pausing the conversation feel safe and effective.Then we get practical. Dori’s parenting plan builder gives clients sample clauses they can mark up and tailor. Visual schedule tools like Custody X Change help families compare 2-2-3, 2-2-5-5, and week-on/week-off rotations at a glance. We outline expense categories beyond basic child support—drivers ed, braces, mental health, extracurriculars, graduations, even grooming—plus thresholds for joint approval to prevent petty fights. Finally, we emphasize review paths and built-in dispute resolution ladders so parents can adapt as kids grow without running to court.If you’re a divorce coach, mediator, or parent navigating separation, this deep dive will help you create a plan that is clear, fair, and truly usable. Subscribe, share with a colleague, and leave a review telling us the one clause you wish every parenting plan included.To contact Dori, visit her personal practice website at https://www.thedivorcementor.ca/about-me  or reach her at her DCA email at [email protected] Learn more about DCA® or any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:Website: www.divorcecoachesacademy.comInstagram: @divorcecoachesacademyLinkedIn: divorce-coaches-academyEmail: [email protected]