Regulation with Lisa Candera

Regulation starts with you, not your child. In this conversation, I talk with Lisa Candera, single mom of a now-adult son with autism, profound OCD, and anxiety, about what it actually means to "regulate yourself first." Lisa shares how a long stretch of crisis during the pandemic pushed her to the edge and forced her to find ways to stay grounded in the middle of 911 calls, hospitalizations, and daily meltdowns. We unpack what regulation looks like in real life—pausing instead of rushing in, counting a three-out-of-ten success rate as a huge win, and getting honest about the stories that drive our reactions, especially the "I am failing my child" soundtrack. Lisa talks about turning her parked car into a "car office" for safety and space, setting clear boundaries around aggression, and shifting from lecturing in the moment to making a plan when everyone is calmer. We also talk about raising teens with big emotions and neurodivergent brains. Lisa names the pressure parents feel to foster independence, the fear of "enabling," and the reality that a fifteen-year-old with autism may not be developmentally fifteen. Together we explore scaffolding, praising effort and emerging skills, and holding a both-and: your child is struggling, and you deserve support and compassion too. Key Takeaways Regulation starts with you, not your child. Lisa describes regulation as moving from constantly losing your temper to feeling more grounded and able to respond. You don't have to be calm all the time—small shifts in your reactions can dramatically change the dynamic. A three-out-of-ten success rate is already a big deal. Instead of expecting yourself to get it right every time, Lisa suggests aiming for three regulated responses out of ten. Those moments might happen within minutes, and they still count. Pausing interrupts the automatic pattern. The urge to fix or lecture right away is strong. Even a brief pause can interrupt the usual pattern between you and your child and give you space to choose something different. Your triggers are about you, not just your child's behavior. Lisa discovered that many of her reactions were driven by fear and the belief that she was failing her son. Naming those stories helped her respond with more flexibility and compassion. You can change the dance by changing your part. Parents and kids often fall into predictable interaction patterns. When Lisa shifted how she responded—sometimes leaving the apartment instead of engaging—the pattern changed. Boundaries can include creative safety plans. During COVID, Lisa's plan sometimes involved leaving the apartment and sitting in her car when her son became aggressive. She reframed it as a temporary strategy rather than a failure. Thoughts like "this is an emergency" can escalate things. Parents' nervous systems often interpret big emotions as danger. Expanding your tolerance for discomfort can help you respond to what's actually happening. Scaffolding is not the same as enabling. Developmental level and anxiety matter. Sometimes making a task easier is what allows progress in other areas. Notice and name what your child does well. Highlighting everyday successes helps children internalize the belief that they can do hard things. You are not the baseline for how everyone else should be. Letting go of "I am the standard" creates more room for difference and helps you relate to your child as the person they are. About Lisa Candera Lisa Candera is a single mom of a teen with severe autism and OCD, an attorney, ADHD-er, and the autism mom coach behind The Autism Mom Coach. She helps parents of autistic children learn to regulate themselves first so they can show up for their kids with more calm, compassion, and confidence. Lisa hosts The Autism Mom Podcast, contributes to Autism Parenting Magazine, and presents on parental self-care, emotional regulation, and meltdown de-escalation strategies. About Your Host, Gabriele Nicolet I'm Gabriele Nicolet, toddler whisperer, speech therapist, parenting life coach, and host of Complicated Kids. Each week, I share practical, relationship-based strategies for raising kids with big feelings, big needs, and beautifully different brains. My goal is to help families move from surviving to thriving by building connection, confidence, and clarity at home. Complicated Kids Resources and Links 🌎 gabrielenicolet.com 📅 Schedule a free intro call: Book here 📺 Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube Channel 👾 Tell the Story (anti-anxiety tool for kids): Learn more ➡️ Instagram: instagram.com/gabriele_nicolet ➡️ Facebook: facebook.com/gabriele.nicolet ➡️ LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/gabrielenicolet 🌺 Free "Orchid Kid" Checklist: Download here Enjoying the show? If Complicated Kids has been helpful, the best way to support the podcast is to follow, rate, and leave a quick review. It helps other parents find the show—and it means a lot. If there's a topic you'd love to hear covered on a future episode, reach out at [email protected]. I love hearing what's on your mind and what would support your family. Thank you for being here. 💛

When professionals disagree, school minimizes, and your gut is screaming that something is off, your perspective on your child matters more than any report. If you're raising a high-masking, high-achieving neurodivergent kid, you may be living a split-screen life: "She's doing great here" from school, and daily meltdowns, shutdowns, or refusals at home. It's disorienting and it can make you doubt what you're seeing. In this episode, I talk with Amanda Levin, founder of NeuroSpice Girls, about kids who are both gifted and disabled, socially chatty and autistic, "fine" at school and utterly spent by the time they walk through the front door. We unpack masking, pervasive drive for autonomy, and how school days can be the unseen setup for after-school explosions. We also get honest about advocacy: the missing roadmap for 504s and IEPs, the "hidden menu" of supports no one tells you about, and why so many parents feel like they have to build a case just to get basic help. Amanda shares how she stopped waiting for someone else to fix it, asked her son what he needed, and helped create more accessible religious school programming that works better for all kids. You might walk out of a meeting thinking, "They don't really see my kid." This conversation is meant to steady you and remind you that what you notice at home is real and important. Key Takeaways High masking hides real struggle. Some neurodivergent kids work incredibly hard to "hold it together" at school, then completely unravel at home. That split does not make their struggles less real. Gifted and disabled often coexist. A child can be academically advanced and have significant executive function, sensory, or emotional regulation challenges. Those things live side by side, not in opposition. Invisible disabilities are still disabilities. When there is no wheelchair, no obvious device, or no behavioral disruption at school, systems often downplay needs. Parents are left doing the heaviest lifting behind closed doors. Masking is about survival, not performance. Many autistic and neurodivergent kids suppress their own signals to fit in or avoid negative attention. The cost of doing that all day shows up later as meltdown, shutdown, or "refusal." There is no universal roadmap for services. Amanda's experience highlights how subjective and inconsistent 504 and IEP processes can be. Families often have to hunt for information that should be offered up front. You are allowed to question the system. When school or professionals say, "He's fine here," but home tells a different story, it is reasonable to push back, connect the dots, and insist that what you see matters. Collaboration with your child is a game-changer. Asking, "What would make this more doable for you?" can reveal simple but powerful shifts—shorter commitments, movement breaks, different environments—that reduce demand and increase buy-in. Supports for neurodivergent kids help everyone. The changes Amanda helped create at Hebrew school (shorter time, movement, sensory-aware teaching) are good pedagogy, period. Neuro-affirming design improves access for all kids. Community reduces isolation. NeuroSpice Girls grew out of Amanda's need to talk with people who truly "got it." Peer support and real-time spaces to vent, brainstorm, and share resources make a huge difference for caregivers. Your observations are data. What you see at home, after school, and in everyday routines is not "just your opinion." It is critical information about how your child is actually functioning and what they need to thrive. About Amanda Levin Amanda Levin is the founder of NeuroSpice Girls, a peer support group and social events club for moms of neurodivergent kids in the greater Washington, DC area. She is the mom of a neurospicy fourth grader and a kindergartner, and she brings her background in event planning, government relations, and post–Hurricane Katrina and Rita relief work to building community and practical support for caregivers who are navigating complex systems and big feelings at home. About Your Host, Gabriele Nicolet I'm Gabriele Nicolet—toddler whisperer, speech therapist, parenting life coach, and host of Complicated Kids. Each week, I share practical, relationship-based strategies for raising kids with big feelings, big needs, and beautifully different brains. My goal is to help families move from surviving to thriving by building connection, confidence, and clarity at home. Complicated Kids Resources and Links 🌎 www.gabrielenicolet.com 📅 Schedule a free intro call 📺 Subscribe on YouTube 👾 Tell the Story (anti-anxiety tool for kids) ➡️ Instagram ➡️ Facebook ➡️ LinkedIn 🌺 Free "Orchid Kid" Checklist Enjoying the show? If Complicated Kids has been helpful, the best way to support the podcast is to follow, rate, and leave a quick review. It helps other parents find the show—and it means a lot. If there's a topic you'd love to hear covered on a future episode, reach out at [email protected]. I love hearing what's on your mind and what would support your family. Thank you for being here. 💛

ADHD is not a motivation problem. It is a skills and systems problem. Parenting a child with ADHD and executive function challenges can feel like living inside a never-ending loop of forgotten water bottles, missing homework, and mornings that go off the rails. It is easy to assume kids are not listening, not trying, or do not care. In this conversation, Gabriele and ADHD expert and parent coach Cindy Goldrich zoom out from "he is just lazy" and "she should know better by now" and look at what is really going on in the brain. Cindy explains executive function as "how you do what you intend to do," and why challenges in this area are about skills, not character. Together, they explore what it means to believe that kids do well when they can—and how that belief changes the questions we ask, the systems we build, and the way we respond when things go sideways. Key Takeaways Executive function is about doing, not knowing. Executive function includes working memory, processing speed, task initiation, planning, organization, emotional regulation, flexibility, and self-talk. It is the "how you do what you intend to do," not how smart you are. You cannot be diagnosed with "executive dysfunction," but it still matters. Executive function is not a DSM diagnosis. It is a description of how the brain manages tasks and emotions—and it can be assessed and supported even without a formal label. ADHD and executive function are deeply connected. If a child has ADHD, they will have executive function challenges by definition. The reverse is not always true, but it explains why "just try harder" never works for ADHD brains. There is no relationship between speed and intelligence. A child can have a very high IQ and very slow processing speed. When adults equate fast responses with intelligence, slower thinkers are often stressed, misunderstood, and underestimated. Stress shrinks the brain's thinking space. Cindy uses the image of a balloon to describe cognitive space. Stress, pressure, and time limits push the air out, making it harder for kids to access the skills they already have. "Kids do well if they can" changes everything. When a child is not following through, curiosity opens the door to problem solving. Blame slams it shut. Patterns are gold for problem solving. "He always" and "she never" are clues that a pattern exists. That is your cue to step back when things are calm and build better systems. Consequences without tools are not helpful. Punishment without skill-building is like asking a chain smoker to quit instantly without support. Boundaries matter, but tools and systems must come first. Inconsistency is part of ADHD. Kids with ADHD may succeed one day and struggle the next. That does not mean they are choosing to fail—their brain, energy, or environment has changed. Parents need compassion too. Many parents of ADHD kids also have ADHD themselves or years of internalized shame. Seeing ADHD as a brain difference creates room for healing on both sides. Free Resource from Cindy Cindy has put together a generous free resource for Complicated Kids listeners: https://ptscoaching.com/free-gifts/?utm_source=complicatedkids&utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=freegiftspdf On that page, you will find: The introduction to 8 Keys to Parenting Kids & Teens with ADHD: Supporting Your Child's Executive Function A curated set of practical PDFs and tools to help you parent with more confidence, clarity, and connection Direct links to support and training for both parents and professionals About Cindy Goldrich Cindy Goldrich, Ed.M., ADHD-CCSP, is a mental health counselor and internationally recognized expert in ADHD and executive function support. She is the founder of PTS Coaching and the author of 8 Keys to Parenting Kids & Teens with ADHD and ADHD, Executive Function, & Behavioral Challenges in the Classroom. Through her Calm and Connected parent workshops, ADHD Parent Coach Academy, professional trainings, and coaching programs, Cindy has helped thousands of families and educators build calmer, more connected relationships with children who learn and think differently. About Your Host, Gabriele Nicolet I'm Gabriele Nicolet—toddler whisperer, speech therapist, parenting life coach, and host of Complicated Kids. Each week, I share practical, relationship-based strategies for raising kids with big feelings, big needs, and beautifully different brains. My goal is to help families move from surviving to thriving by building connection, confidence, and clarity at home. Complicated Kids Resources and Links 🌎 www.gabrielenicolet.com 📅 Schedule a free intro call 📺 Subscribe on YouTube 👾 Tell the Story (anti-anxiety tool for kids) ➡️ Instagram ➡️ Facebook ➡️ LinkedIn 🌺 Free "Orchid Kid" Checklist Enjoying the show? If Complicated Kids has been helpful, the best way to support the podcast is to follow, rate, and leave a quick review. It helps other parents find the show—and it means a lot. If there's a topic you'd love to hear covered on a future episode, reach out at [email protected]. I love hearing what's on your mind and what would support your family. Thank you for being here. 💛

Teens are not broken. The systems around them are. In this conversation, social worker, researcher, and educator Dr. Will Dobud joins me to zoom out from individual teen "problems" and look at the bigger picture of youth mental health. We talk about what he calls "planet mental health," where there are more therapists, diagnoses, and medications than ever, yet kids are still struggling. Will walks us through how numbers and labels can start to define young people, why phones have become an easy scapegoat, and how school culture, academic pressure, and compliance-driven systems shape so much of what we call "behavior." We also explore what gets lost when we treat kids as empty vessels or passive recipients of interventions instead of as resources. Will shares stories from his work with teens across three continents, digs into why social-emotional learning can backfire when it is done to kids instead of with them, and lifts up older ideas from John Dewey and Jane Addams about democracy, shared work, and treating young people as full participants in their communities. This episode is a grounded, hopeful invitation to see teens differently and to start changing the environments they are growing up in. Key Takeaways Trying to "fix" teen behavior in isolation does not make sense. Behavior always exists within systems adults have built, including school, home, and the wider culture. We are living on "planet mental health," where more people than ever are diagnosed, medicated, and in treatment, yet many teens do not feel better. What we choose to count and label shapes how young people see themselves. Phones and social media are often symptoms, not root causes. Boredom, disconnection, and rigid environments drive kids to screens just like adults reaching for phones on a plane. School was designed as a compliance-based institution for a narrow group of learners. For many teens, it feels more like a factory than a place that values curiosity, autonomy, or real-life problem solving. The youngest kids in a classroom are statistically more likely to be diagnosed with attention-related conditions, suggesting that developmental stage and fit matter as much as any "disorder." Social-emotional learning can become a "regrettable substitution" when it is standardized and delivered to kids who never asked for it. Teens need co-regulation and relationship, not just lessons about feelings. Teachers and parents are also trapped in compliance systems and high-pressure cultures. When adults are dysregulated and overburdened, they cannot provide the steady co-regulation kids need. Teens are never just a cluster of symptoms. Traits that feel "annoying" in adolescence often become strengths later when they are understood and supported. The healthiest classrooms, families, and communities function more like real democracies. Young people get meaningful work to do, not just things to memorize. Shifting how we talk about "kids these days" changes everything. When adults treat teens as resources instead of problems, kids feel more hopeful, engaged, and willing to participate in their own growth. About Will Dobud Dr. Will Dobud is a social worker, researcher, and educator who has worked with adolescents and families in the United States, Australia, and Norway. Originally from Washington, DC, he now divides his time between the U.S. and Australia. Will is an award-winning researcher and educator recognized for excellence in research, teaching, and crime prevention. He is a Senior Lecturer in Social Work at Charles Sturt University, Australia's largest social work school, and an invited international speaker who conducts workshops for therapists and families around the globe. His research focuses on improving therapy outcomes for teenagers and promoting safe, ethical practices. He has written extensively about the Troubled Teen Industry, particularly wilderness therapy, and works alongside advocates, survivors, researchers, and clinicians to protect youth from institutionalization and harm. He is the coauthor of Kids These Days, a book about youth mental health for adults. About Your Host, Gabriele Nicolet I'm Gabriele Nicolet—toddler whisperer, speech therapist, parenting life coach, and host of Complicated Kids. Each week, I share practical, relationship-based strategies for raising kids with big feelings, big needs, and beautifully different brains. My goal is to help families move from surviving to thriving by building connection, confidence, and clarity at home. Complicated Kids Resources and Links 🌎 www.gabrielenicolet.com 📅 Schedule a free intro call 📺 Subscribe on YouTube 👾 Tell the Story (anti-anxiety tool for kids) ➡️ Instagram ➡️ Facebook ➡️ LinkedIn 🌺 Free "Orchid Kid" Checklist Enjoying the show? If Complicated Kids has been helpful, the best way to support the podcast is to follow, rate, and leave a quick review. It helps other parents find the show—and it means a lot. If there's a topic you'd love to hear covered on a future episode, reach out at [email protected]. I love hearing what's on your mind and what would support your family. Thank you for being here. 💛

Kids feel more than they hear. They notice more than they can say. In this conversation, therapist and mom of two neurodivergent kids, Lisa Kays, joins me to explore why your child seems fine until you finally try to read, listen to a podcast, or focus on something for yourself. We talk about the invisible "container" parents hold with their attention, how kids sense when we mentally leave the room, and why sensitive and neurodivergent kids are often especially tuned into those shifts. Lisa and I also get real about mom guilt, martyrdom, and the myth that good parents never disappoint their kids. We look at what happens when you try to fake calm at bedtime, why that incoherence makes things worse, and how much changes when you say the quiet part out loud: "I am tired. I am cranky. This is not about you." From there, we move into play, video games, and the pressure to enjoy everything your child enjoys, and how to reframe joining them in their world without pretending to love every second. This episode is an invitation to trust what your kids are already picking up, be more honest about what you are actually feeling, and let your family experiment with a more grounded, both-and version of connection. Key Takeaways Kids are tuned into our attention in ways we usually underestimate. They often stay regulated until they feel your focus shift, then move in to pull you back. Neurodivergent and "orchid" kids are often especially sensitive to energetic shifts, in part because many rely more on nonverbal cues than language. Parents hold a real "energetic bubble" with their kids. When you mentally leave that bubble, their nervous system notices—even if they cannot explain it. Sneaking self-care through half-dissociated scrolling often backfires. Kids sense the withdrawal of presence, even when you are physically nearby. You cannot fake calm. At bedtime, your child responds to your nervous system, not your "everything is fine" script. Honesty creates safety. Saying "I am tired and irritable, and this is not about you" helps kids trust both their own perceptions and you. Allowing disappointment without rushing to fix it teaches resilience, frustration tolerance, and relational trust. Intentional, communicated withdrawal of attention is different from endlessly overriding your needs. It protects against burnout and builds tolerance for space. Playing with your child does not require loving every activity. You can connect by letting them lead, being the learner, or practicing regulation while being imperfect. When your brain insists there are only two options, it is usually lying. Connection has many possible shapes. About Lisa Kays Lisa Kays is a licensed independent clinical social worker with a private practice serving clients in Washington, DC, Maryland, Virginia, and Oregon. She works with adults across the lifespan on anxiety, depression, addiction, and relationship challenges, with a special focus on supporting parents of both neurodivergent and neurotypical kids. As a parent of two complicated and awesome children herself, Lisa blends clinical insight with lived experience, helping caregivers understand their own nervous systems, set realistic boundaries, and build more authentic, resilient family relationships. You can learn more at lisakays.com and find her on Instagram and TikTok at @thelisakays. About Your Host, Gabriele Nicolet I'm Gabriele Nicolet—toddler whisperer, speech therapist, parenting life coach, and host of Complicated Kids. Each week, I share practical, relationship-based strategies for raising kids with big feelings, big needs, and beautifully different brains. My goal is to help families move from surviving to thriving by building connection, confidence, and clarity at home. Complicated Kids Resources and Links 🌎 www.gabrielenicolet.com 📅 Schedule a free intro call 📺 Subscribe on YouTube 👾 Tell the Story (anti-anxiety tool for kids) ➡️ Instagram ➡️ Facebook ➡️ LinkedIn 🌺 Free "Orchid Kid" Checklist Enjoying the show? If Complicated Kids has been helpful, the best way to support the podcast is to follow, rate, and leave a quick review. It helps other parents find the show—and it means a lot. If there's a topic you'd love to hear covered on a future episode, reach out at [email protected]. I love hearing what's on your mind and what would support your family. Thank you for being here. 💛

Sensory is not an extra layer. It is the ground your child is standing on. In this conversation, occupational therapist Cindy Duffy and Secret Genius Project founder Donna Redman join me to explore behavior through a sensory lens. Donna shares her research into our connection with art, science, and nature, and how we first meet the world through our senses. Cindy explains why she has always viewed behavior as information, not defiance, and how environmental details—buzzing fluorescent lights, rushing schedules, echoes in a room, or even the hum of a refrigerator—can make a child feel regulated or completely overwhelmed. Cindy also walks us through powerful real-life examples: children whose "messy work" and math meltdowns were actually undiagnosed vision issues; adults who spent decades believing they were "stupid" before anyone evaluated their vestibular and visual systems; and a teacher who realized she was sensory sensitive in a classroom full of seekers and changed everything by tending to her own nervous system. We talk about babies arriving with distinct sensory profiles, siblings with very different needs, and parents who feel mismatched with their child until they understand what kind of touch, movement, and energy that child's body is asking for. This episode is a reminder that behavior makes sense, sensory profiles matter, and there is often a "secret genius" waiting to be noticed once we stop blaming willpower and start listening to the body. Key Takeaways Behavior is communication. When kids lash out, avoid, or shut down, their bodies and brains are telling us something important. We are sensory beings first. Our first encounter with the world is through our senses, yet sensory processing is often misunderstood at school and at home. Environment shapes regulation. Light, sound, echoes, transitions, schedules, and background noise all influence how overwhelmed or calm a child feels. Sensory and vision challenges can hide under "behavior." Erasing constantly, pressing too hard with a pencil, rereading lines, or melting down around math may point to sensory or visual strain—not intelligence. Mislabeling can be harmful. When kids are shamed or disciplined for reactions they cannot control, they often internalize the belief that they are the problem. Everyone has a sensory profile. Understanding your child's profile helps you support them; understanding your own helps you show up more calmly. Adults have sensory needs too. When caregivers manage their own nervous systems, the entire dynamic can shift. Strengths matter as much as challenges. A strengths-based plan often opens doors that behavior plans alone cannot. Babies arrive with a sensory story. When sensory needs are honored early, kids do not have to "act out" to get what their bodies need. There is a "secret genius" under the struggle. Once sensory and nervous system needs are understood, children's gifts often become visible. About Donna Redman and Cindy Duffy Donna Redman is the founder and president of The Secret Genius Project. Her research into the origins of creativity and self-expression explores the deep connection between art, science, nature, and the nervous system. Drawing from philosophy, quantum physics, art therapy, and mathematics, Donna curates programs that help families, educators, and professionals better understand human potential. The Secret Genius of Sensory Processing, created with occupational therapist Cindy Duffy, is one of the first offerings in the series. Cindy Duffy is an occupational therapist who has served communities in Northeast Pennsylvania for more than forty years. She holds a Bachelor of Science in Occupational Therapy from Kean University and an Advanced Pediatric Certificate from Misericordia University. Cindy has worked across public education, geriatrics, rehabilitation, and recovery programs, and is widely respected for her intuitive ability to interpret complex sensory profiles. She now maintains a private practice and teaches The Secret Genius of Sensory Processing, helping parents and professionals understand behavior through a sensory and nervous system lens. About Your Host, Gabriele Nicolet I'm Gabriele Nicolet—toddler whisperer, speech therapist, parenting life coach, and host of Complicated Kids. Each week, I share practical, relationship-based strategies for raising kids with big feelings, big needs, and beautifully different brains. My goal is to help families move from surviving to thriving by building connection, confidence, and clarity at home. Complicated Kids Resources and Links 🌎 www.gabrielenicolet.com 📅 Schedule a free intro call 📺 Subscribe on YouTube 👾 Tell the Story (anti-anxiety tool for kids) ➡️ Instagram ➡️ Facebook ➡️ LinkedIn 🌺 Free "Orchid Kid" Checklist Enjoying the show? If Complicated Kids has been helpful, the best way to support the podcast is to follow, rate, and leave a quick review. It helps other parents find the show—and it means a lot. If there's a topic you'd love to hear covered on a future episode, reach out at [email protected]. I love hearing what's on your mind and what would support your family. Thank you for being here. 💛

Behavior is never just behavior. In this conversation, holistic academic support coach Elyse Dworin joins me to look underneath school struggles, homework battles, and "I don't feel well" complaints through a whole-child lens. We talk about behavior as a symptom, not a character flaw, and explore how challenges with executive function, overwhelm, social stress, or undiagnosed needs can show up as avoidance, lashing out, or shutdown long before a child has words for what's wrong. Elyse walks us through simple, body-based tools to help kids (and parents) tune back in: grounding exercises, naming feelings, noticing clenched fists and racing hearts, and using movement, nature, music, and deep pressure to bring the nervous system back online. We also talk about her Whole Child Collective audit for families who feel like they've "tried everything" and are still stuck. This episode is a gentle invitation to step out of blame, get curious, and start working with your child's brain and body instead of against them. Key Takeaways Behavior is a symptom and a form of communication. When we stop treating it as the whole problem and start asking why, new possibilities open up. The same behavior can have many different roots. Homework refusal might be about overwhelm, difficulty breaking tasks down, social stress, exhaustion, or relationship dynamics at home. Shifting from "my child is being difficult" to "why is this happening" moves parents out of a stuck, victim place and into partnership and problem solving. Interoception, the ability to notice and understand internal body signals, is often tricky for complicated kids. "I don't feel well" can cover many different sensations and emotions. Naming emotions helps. When a child can connect a big feeling to a word like overwhelm, fear, or frustration, intensity often decreases. Connecting feelings to body sensations is a skill. Questions like "Where did you feel that?" help kids map their internal states. Mind-body practices support learning and regulation. Grounding, breathing, time outdoors, movement, music, and sensory tools all help when tailored to the child. Strategies are experiments, not one-size-fits-all solutions. Reflection helps kids learn what works for their nervous system. Adults need this awareness too. Parents can miss their own stress signals, especially during intense seasons. A whole-child lens looks at school, home, social life, body, and brain together. About Elyse Dworin Elyse Dworin is the founder of Elevated Learning Solutions, a holistic academic support practice that helps students thrive by understanding not only how they learn best, but also what supports their bodies and brains. With a strong background in math and dual degrees in Special Education and Exceptional Learners, she blends subject instruction with metacognition, executive functioning, study skills, and social-emotional strategies. Elyse also works directly with parents to understand learning profiles, build effective supports at home, and navigate challenges with confidence. She lives in Germantown, Maryland, with her husband and two young children. About Your Host, Gabriele Nicolet I'm Gabriele Nicolet—toddler whisperer, speech therapist, parenting life coach, and host of Complicated Kids. Each week, I share practical, relationship-based strategies for raising kids with big feelings, big needs, and beautifully different brains. My goal is to help families move from surviving to thriving by building connection, confidence, and clarity at home. Complicated Kids Resources and Links 🌎 www.gabrielenicolet.com 📅 Schedule a free intro call 📺 Subscribe on YouTube 👾 Tell the Story (anti-anxiety tool for kids) ➡️ Instagram ➡️ Facebook ➡️ LinkedIn 🌺 Free "Orchid Kid" Checklist Enjoying the show? If Complicated Kids has been helpful, the best way to support the podcast is to follow, rate, and leave a quick review. It helps other parents find the show—and it means a lot. If there's a topic you'd love to hear covered on a future episode, reach out at [email protected]. I love hearing what's on your mind and what would support your family. Thank you for being here. 💛

Some families are living on an emotional rollercoaster. One minute everyone seems fine. The next, it feels like the wheels are coming off. In this episode of Complicated Kids, I sit down with Dr. Kate Lund, a licensed clinical psychologist, resilience expert, and twin mom, to talk about resilience as a way of living rather than a trait you either have or do not have. Instead of seeing resilience as "you hit a challenge and bounce back," we explore what it looks like to build a steadier baseline so you can ride the waves of real life with a little more ease. Dr. Kate shares how she helps parents understand their own context first. That includes their nervous system, history, strengths, and the particular stressors they are carrying. From there, we talk about practical tools for modulating your stress response, including a simple daily relaxation practice that helps you learn what "regulated" actually feels like in your body so you can return to it more often. We also talk about timing. Kids of all ages need space to feel their feelings before they can look for possibilities or "what's next." We walk through real-life examples, including college rejections, tough games, and everyday disappointments, and how to sit with your child's emotions without rushing to fix them. A big part of this conversation focuses on perfectionism and comparison. Dr. Kate and I discuss why there is no resilience formula, why siblings in the same family can need completely different things, and how to move away from "perfect outcome" thinking and toward doing what is optimized within your own context. If you've ever wondered how to be a grounded leader in your family while still being a real human with your own feelings and limits, this episode will give you language, tools, and a more compassionate way to think about resilience for both you and your kids. Key Takeaways Resilience is a lifestyle, not a moment. Regulation becomes more accessible when tools are woven into daily life instead of saved for crises. Your nervous system sets the tone. When you are already stressed, even small challenges can overwhelm the whole family. A simple daily practice matters. A five-minute breathing practice paired with a calming word can teach your body what calm feels like. Self-awareness comes before strategy. Resilient parenting starts with being honest about your own strengths, limits, and stress patterns. Every child has their own context. Siblings can need completely different support based on their nervous systems. Validation comes before possibility. Kids need their feelings acknowledged before they can move forward. Sharing struggles builds connection. Age-appropriate honesty shows kids that resilience includes falling down and getting back up. Perfectionism blocks resilience. Growth happens when you work within your real life, not an imaginary ideal. There is no one-size-fits-all formula. Resilient families stay curious and adjust over time. Possibility lives on the other side of hard things. Holding a long view allows hope without minimizing today's challenges. About Dr. Kate Lund Dr. Kate Lund is a licensed clinical psychologist, resilience expert, author, and host of The Optimized Mind podcast. With specialized training from three Harvard Medical School–affiliated hospitals and more than two decades of clinical practice, she helps parents, athletes, students, and entrepreneurs thrive within their unique contexts. She is the author of Bounce: Help Your Child Build Resilience and Thrive in School, Sports, and Life and Step Away: The Keys to Resilient Parenting. Dr. Kate also volunteers at Seattle Children's Hospital with her dog, Wally, supporting young patients facing medical challenges. About Your Host, Gabriele Nicolet I'm Gabriele Nicolet—toddler whisperer, speech therapist, parenting life coach, and host of Complicated Kids. Each week, I share practical, relationship-based strategies for raising kids with big feelings, big needs, and beautifully different brains. My goal is to help families move from surviving to thriving by building connection, confidence, and clarity at home. Complicated Kids Resources and Links 🌎 www.gabrielenicolet.com 📅 Schedule a free intro call 📺 Subscribe on YouTube 👾 Tell the Story (anti-anxiety tool for kids) ➡️ Instagram ➡️ Facebook ➡️ LinkedIn 🌺 Free "Orchid Kid" Checklist Enjoying the show? If Complicated Kids has been helpful, the best way to support the podcast is to follow, rate, and leave a quick review. It helps other parents find the show—and it means a lot. If there's a topic you'd love to hear covered on a future episode, reach out at [email protected]. I love hearing what's on your mind and what would support your family. Thank you for being here. 💛

Some kids are labeled "autistic" when their bodies are actually screaming for help. In this episode of Complicated Kids, I sit down with Dr. Jodie Dashore, an internationally recognized integrative practitioner and clinical herbalist, to talk about the kids who don't fit neatly into "just autism." These are the kids with paralysis, bone pain, rashes, fevers, breathing issues, crushing anxiety, or terror—and all of it gets folded under one word: autism. Dr. Dashore shares her personal and professional story, including her son's terrifying descent into wheelchairs, tics, and "brain on fire" symptoms that were initially written off as "atypical autism." She walks us through how underlying conditions like Lyme disease, mold/biotoxin illness, PANS/PANDAS, immune dysfunction, and chronic inflammation can radically change how a child feels, behaves, and develops. We talk about why so many families are told to "accept the autism" while life-threatening medical problems go unrecognized, and why bioindividuality matters so much. Not every child responds the same way to the same exposure, and not every autistic child who is struggling is "just" autistic. Some of them are very sick, and they deserve better than a one-size-fits-all protocol. You'll hear how Dr. Dashore uses data-driven, plant-based protocols and targeted testing to figure out what a child's body is actually dealing with, from infections to toxins to immune and hormonal imbalances. We also talk about the emotional reality of being the parent who refuses to accept "this is the best we can do," and how exhausting, isolating, and necessary that can be. If you've ever felt like something is missing from your child's care, or like your concerns keep getting folded back into a single word (autism) without anyone asking what else might be going on, this episode will give you language, context, and a renewed sense that your intuition matters. Key Takeaways Autism and illness are not the same thing. A child can be autistic and medically unwell, and collapsing those realities under one label can be dangerous. Severe symptoms aren't "quirks." Paralysis, extreme pain, rashes, cyclical fevers, breathing problems, and failure to thrive are red flags. PANS/PANDAS, Lyme disease, and mold illness are real and well-documented, yet still frequently missed or dismissed. Bioindividuality changes everything. Two kids with the same exposure can have completely different responses. Nonverbal kids still feel everything. Pain and confusion often come out as "behavior." Autistic brains aren't "more fragile." Infections and toxins affect neurodivergent and neurotypical kids alike. Testing should be targeted, not random. Data helps reveal what's actually happening in a child's body. Plant-based protocols can be powerful when used thoughtfully as part of an integrative plan. Recovery is a long game. Real healing often takes years, not weeks. Parents are allowed to want more than "good enough." Advocacy matters. About Dr. Jodie Dashore Dr. Jodie A. Dashore is an internationally recognized practitioner, researcher, and pioneering clinical herbalist. She specializes in plant-based protocols for autism, Lyme disease, mold/biotoxin illness, and Chronic Inflammatory Response Syndrome (CIRS). Dr. Dashore holds a PhD in Integrative Medicine, a doctorate in occupational therapy with a focus on neurology, and completed post-doctoral work in immunology at Harvard Medical School. Through her clinic, BioNexus Health, she supports families around the world with deeply individualized, data-driven care. About Your Host, Gabriele Nicolet I'm Gabriele Nicolet—toddler whisperer, speech therapist, parenting life coach, and host of Complicated Kids. Each week, I share practical, relationship-based strategies for raising kids with big feelings, big needs, and beautifully different brains. My goal is to help families move from surviving to thriving by building connection, confidence, and clarity at home. Complicated Kids Resources and Links 🌎 www.gabrielenicolet.com 📅 Schedule a free intro call 📺 Subscribe on YouTube 👾 Tell the Story (anti-anxiety tool for kids) ➡️ Instagram ➡️ Facebook ➡️ LinkedIn 🌺 Free "Orchid Kid" Checklist Enjoying the show? If Complicated Kids has been helpful, the best way to support the podcast is to follow, rate, and leave a quick review. It helps other parents find the show—and it means a lot. If there's a topic you'd love to hear covered on a future episode, reach out at [email protected]. I love hearing what's on your mind and what would support your family. Thank you for being here. 💛

ADHD is not just about attention. It is about self-control, self-esteem, and what happens when the brain goes offline. Living with untreated ADHD is not just about missing assignments. It is about moving through the world without a reliable connection between what you know and what you do. In this conversation, I talk with Dr. Karin Varblow, a behavioral pediatrician, former teacher and social worker, neurodivergent adult, and mom to neurodivergent kids. We look closely at what untreated ADHD really costs over a lifetime, from self-esteem and identity to health, safety, relationships, and even life expectancy. Dr. Karin explains why ADHD is not simply a "school problem" and why kids who "know better" still cannot always do better in the moment. She shares her "know and go" model of the brain, which helps make sense of why lectures and bigger consequences do not lead to different behavior, and why kids so often feel confused and ashamed by their own actions. We also talk about sleep, airway, co-occurring conditions, and how things like anxiety, trauma, allergies, and disordered sleep can overlap with ADHD or even mask it. Dr. Karin breaks down what good treatment actually looks like in real life, including medication, parent training, behavior supports, and making daily life more stimulating and relevant for the ADHD brain. If you have ever wondered whether ADHD "really" needs treatment, or felt discouraged by mixed messages, this episode will help you see the bigger picture with more clarity and more compassion for you and your child. Key Takeaways Untreated ADHD is not just about school performance. It affects self-esteem, identity, health, safety, relationships, income, and even life expectancy over time. Research shows that people with untreated ADHD have higher rates of emergency room visits, poverty, incarceration, and an average life expectancy that is years shorter than their non-ADHD peers. Treatment meaningfully improves these outcomes. ADHD is both overdiagnosed and underdiagnosed, and it often shows up alongside other conditions like anxiety, depression, learning differences, sleep disorders, allergies, GI issues, and trauma. Sorting out "what's what" takes time and thoughtful evaluation. Effective ADHD treatment is not one thing. The strongest evidence supports a combination of medication and behavior modification, with behavior modification defined as training and support for parents, not "fixing the child" in a weekly session. Behavior plans that focus only on lectures and bigger consequences usually miss the mark. Most kids already know the rules. The problem is not a lack of knowledge, it is a lack of access to that knowledge in the moment. Dr. Karin's "know and go" model helps explain this: the "know" part of the brain holds rules, values, and experience; the "go" part drives behavior. In ADHD, especially around non-preferred tasks, the "go" can take off before the "know" ever gets a say. That disconnect is why kids so often say "I don't know why I did that" and mean it. They are not being manipulative. They are genuinely confused and often ashamed, because their behavior does not match what they actually believe or want. ADHD brains do have strong executive function in areas of high interest. A child who cannot organize themselves around homework may show incredible focus, planning, and follow-through when building Legos or diving into a favorite topic. Sleep, breathing, immune function, and overall health matter. Airway issues, disordered sleep, allergies, and inflammation can all worsen attention, regulation, and behavior, and sometimes even mimic ADHD. Addressing these pieces is part of good care. Supporting a child with ADHD means changing the story from "try harder" to "let's change how we're asking, what we're asking, and how we're supporting you." When adults focus on relevance, relationship, and realistic support, kids get more access to their best selves. About Karin Varblow Dr. Karin Varblow is a behavioral pediatrician and neurodivergence specialist who has built a career around coordinated, whole-family ADHD care. She earned her BA from Duke University and her MD from The George Washington University School of Medicine as a National Health Service Corps Scholar, and completed her Pediatrics residency at INOVA Fairfax Hospital for Children. Dr. Varblow's work is shaped by her unique path as a former educator and social worker, a former general pediatrician, a parent in a neurodiverse family, and an individual with ADHD herself. She supports families through medication management, parent support, behavior modification, care coordination, advocacy, and strategy development, with a focus on helping children thrive in real life, not just "meet expectations." About Your Host, Gabriele Nicolet Gabriele Nicolet, toddler whisperer, speech therapist, parenting life coach, and host of Complicated Kids. Each week, I share practical, relationship-based strategies for raising kids with big feelings, big needs, and beautifully different brains. My goal is to help families move from surviving to thriving by building connection, confidence, and clarity at home. Complicated Kids Resources and Links 🌎 gabrielenicolet.com 📅 Schedule a free intro call: calendly.com/gabrielenicolet/free-15-minute-1-1-session 📺 Subscribe on YouTube: youtube.com/@complicatedkids 👾 Grab Tell the Story: gabrielenicolet.com/tell-the-story ➡️ Instagram: instagram.com/gabriele_nicolet ➡️ Facebook: facebook.com/gabriele.nicolet ➡️ LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/gabrielenicolet 🌺 Free "Orchid Kid" Checklist: raisingorchidkids.com/orchid-kid-check-list-sign-up Enjoying the show? If Complicated Kids has been helpful, the best way to support the podcast is to follow, rate, and leave a quick review. It helps other parents find the show—and it means a lot. If there's a topic you'd love to hear covered on a future episode, you can always reach out at [email protected]. I love hearing what's on your mind and what would support your family. Thank you for being here. 💛