My depression tried to kïll me

Why I Built Capacity Club (Doors Close November 11th)I spent twenty years as a hairstylist. I traveled the world, built a community of over a thousand people, and made a million dollars a year. From the outside, it looked amazing. On the inside, I had three breakdowns in five years, and the last one turned into two years of chronic burnout.So I packed up my husband and the pups, rented a cabin on a river in Montana, and went radio silent for a month. When I came out of that, I knew I couldn't go back to my old life. I was forty years old, and nobody had ever explained to me how my own nervous system works. I wanted somebody to explain it in plain English, and I wanted a room full of women who would tell me the truth and stay in the room while I figured it out. I couldn't find that room, so I built it.In this episode, I tell you the whole story, including the part where my depression took me down this year anyway, and I printed out my own toolkit and used it like a beginner. I walk you through what's inside Capacity Club: 30 videos in three phases, weekly questions, and a live coaching call every week where you bring whatever is going on in your life, and we work on it together.You'll also hear what it did for four of our members. They came in burnt out, grieving, or sick of comparing themselves to everyone else. I've had coffee with some of them and gone to yoga with others. They show up for each other.Doors close November 11th, which is also the day we start meeting weekly. Early bird is November 2nd through 6th at $79 a month, and after that it's $97 a month. Early bird saves you over $200 a year.Join us: https://saraispeer.com/capacity-club

I’ve Been Gone. Here’s the Real Story.**Content note: this episode talks about depression and suicidal thoughts.I disappeared for a couple of months. This is where I was.My depression got bad enough that I was having intrusive thoughts fifty times a day or more, and they got so normal that I started saying them out loud to my husband like I was commenting on the weather. I tell you what that sounded like, what it did to my motivation, and why I was holed up in my house as much as I could be.I also tell you about printing off my own Nervous System Regulation Toolkit and using it like a beginner. Yes, the nervous system coach needed her own toolkit. I walk through the tools I reached for, plus the imposter feeling and shame spiral that came with it.Then there’s the morning I woke up, decided I’d had enough, and started ketamine therapy after medications and TMS didn’t work. I’m in month 3 of daily low-dose troches through Joyous. I break down the science of what ketamine does in the brain, and I share what my husband said three weeks in that made me cry.You also get a life update, and apparently I’m a plant lady now.Links Joyous (the ketamine therapy company I use): https://www.joyous.team/ Nervous System Regulation Toolkit: Toolkit hereI’m not a doctor and this isn’t medical advice. Talk to yours.If you’re struggling right now, call or text 988.

Content warning: This episode discusses depression, suicidal thoughts, and intrusive thoughts. Please listen when you're in a steady place, and protect your peace if today isn't the day. Sarai is open about having intrusive thoughts but is clear that she is not suicidal and has no plan....the difference between the two is a central part of this episode.This is the rawest episode Sarai has ever recorded, and the last one before Combative Calm takes a summer break. There's no tidy framework here and no "five tools to fix it." It's just Sarai, mask all the way off, telling the truth about what it actually looks like to live with treatment-resistant depression while running a business and showing up for everyone else. She talks about doing deep TMS last fall — driving back and forth between her father's hospice care and her treatment, and losing her dad in the middle of it — and how, months later, the depression has quietly crept back in.She gets honest about the parts most people never say out loud: the weeks where executive function disappears and answering a single text feels impossible, the freeze and the twelve-hour sleeps, and the intrusive thoughts that hit twenty to fifty times a day telling her she shouldn't be here — followed twenty minutes later by laughing with her husband or firing off business ideas. She names the difference between an intrusive thought and a plan, because so many people stay silent out of fear, and that silence is the dangerous part. She talks about masking so well that her own psychiatrist and business manager had no idea she was struggling, what that costs her marriage, and why ketamine therapy is the next thing she's choosing to try — without pretending she knows whether it'll work.The whole point of this one is permission. Permission to be in it and still be functioning. Permission to let your intrusive thoughts be symptoms instead of verdicts. And permission — for Sarai and for you — to rest going into the summer instead of pushing through.What you walk away with: The reminder that you can be deep in depression and still be functioning, and that surviving counts. And the truth that intrusive thoughts are a symptom of a struggling brain — not facts, not a plan, and not who you are. You are not broken, and you are not alone in this.If this one found you where you live, send it to one woman who's masking so hard you'd never guess. That's how the silence breaks — one woman handing it to another.Free Mental Health ResourcesAll resources below were verified against official sources in May 2026. Every one is free.In the U.S.988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline — Call or text 988, or chat at 988lifeline.org. Free, confidential, 24/7, for anyone in suicidal, mental health, or substance-use crisis. When you call, you can press 1 for the Veterans Crisis Line, 2 for the Spanish line, 3 for the LGBTQI+ Youth line, and 4 for the Native and Strong Lifeline. Services in English, Spanish, and 240+ languages, plus ASL support at 988lifeline.org.Crisis Text Line — Text HOME to 741741. Free, 24/7 support by text with a trained crisis counselor. Good if talking on the phone feels like too much.SAMHSA National Helpline — 1-800-662-HELP (4357). Free, confidential, 24/7, 365 days a year, in English and Spanish. This is the one for referrals — it connects you to local treatment, support groups, and community resources for mental health and/or substance use. (Not a crisis line — use 988 for crisis.)NAMI HelpLine — Call 800-950-6264, or text "NAMI" to 62640, Monday–Friday, 10 a.m.–10 p.m. ET. Free information, resources, and support for navigating mental health — including for family members and caregivers. (Also not a crisis line — for an active crisis, use 988.)Outside the U.S. / WorldwideFind A Helpline — findahelpline.com. A free, verified directory of crisis and emotional-support helplines in over 130 countries. Pick your country and it shows you the free, confirmed options near you — call, text, or chat.Befrienders Worldwide — befrienders.org. An international network of 90+ emotional-support and suicide-prevention centers around the globe. Use their members directory to find your nearest local center.International Association for Suicide Prevention (IASP) — iasp.info/crisis-centres-helplines. A worldwide list of crisis centers and helplines by country and region.If you're anywhere in the world and you're in immediate danger, please contact your local emergency number right away.See you in the fall. Go enjoy your fucking summer!

This episode contains a gentle discussion of body image and eating disorders. If you are currently struggling, please reach out to the National Alliance for Eating Disorders at 1-866-662-1235.This guided meditation does not ask you to love your body. It does not ask you to feel any particular way about what you find when you get in there. It just asks you to show up. To place your hands on the places you have struggled with the most and say something true to them. Not performed. Not forced. Just honest.Sarai built this meditation around one simple reframe. What if you treated your body the way you treat someone you love deeply? Not when things are easier. Not when it looks different. Right now. As it is. Exactly as it is.You will place your hands on your belly, your heart, your thighs, and your arms. You will breathe. And if words come, you will let them. And if they do not, just being there is the whole practice.Come back to this one often. Your body has been waiting for you to come home to it.

This episode contains discussion of body image, body dysmorphia, eating disorders, sexual assault, and addiction. Please take care of yourself as you listen. If you are currently struggling with an eating disorder, please reach out to the National Alliance for Eating Disorders at 1-866-662-1235. Sarai gets completely honest in this one. About being sexually assaulted and what that did to her relationship with her body. About using an eating disorder and addiction to numb out and disconnect. About going to treatment and lying in restorative yoga and feeling the weight of her back on a bolster for the first time and thinking what the actual fuck. This is what it feels like to be in my body.She also gets into what happened last year. Getting sick for a month with no answers. Losing her father in November. And fighting every day to not go back down the spiral she knows so well.This episode also goes deep on the science. What the default mode network actually is and what brain imaging research shows about how it functions differently in people with eating disorders. What interoceptive awareness is and why it gets disrupted. And why understanding the neuroscience of this is not about fixing it. It is about stopping the self-blame long enough to get the right help.The somatic tools in this episode are not a treatment for an eating disorder. They are what Sarai reaches for when the pulling starts. Small moments of contact with a body you have been running from. Nothing more and nothing less than that.

This episode contains discussion of body image, body dysmorphia, and eating disorders. If you are currently struggling, please reach out to the National Alliance for Eating Disorders at 1-866-662-1235. https://www.allianceforeatingdisorders.com/Sarai has had an eating disorder for three and a half decades. She has been to treatment. She is still doing the work. And she is done pretending that what the culture is currently doing to women's bodies is anything other than what it actually is.This episode is about where we are right now. The thin ideal making its comeback. The way social media and GLP ones have collided into something that is being sold as wellness and is anything but. And what is actually happening in your brain when you absorb that messaging every single day without the tools to push back against it.We also get into why your therapist's suggestion to write positive body affirmations made you want to cry. And what to do instead when love feels too far away to reach, but you still need somewhere to start.You will walk away understanding the neuroscience behind why your inner critic runs the loops it runs, why positive affirmations do not work when your relationship with your body is that broken, and what body-neutral affirmations actually are and how to use them.This is not a body positivity episode. This is an honest one.

This is the most vulnerable episode Sarai has ever recorded. And she almost did not hit record.In this episode, she gets completely honest about what perimenopause did to her mental health before she even knew what was happening. The intrusive thoughts that showed up quietly and stayed for six months. The trip to Barcelona, where she finally screamed her truth in a hotel room and got shut down for it. The panic attacks she had this week, not a year ago, this week, as a nervous system coach who teaches this stuff for a living.She also gets into the science. What actually happens to estrogen, progesterone, testosterone, and your GABA system during perimenopause, why almost a third of women develop panic attacks they have never had before, why women are two to five times more likely to develop a mood disorder during this transition, and why most of them are being handed antidepressants without anyone checking their hormones first.This episode is for the woman who thinks she is losing her mind. The one who cannot explain what is happening in her body. The one who has been suffering quietly because she does not have the language for it yet.Here it is.If you are experiencing thoughts of suicide or self-harm, please call or text 988.If you're ready to do the work with a community of women & a blueprint to get you the fuck out of dysregulation, check out Capacity Club https://saraispeer.com/capacity-club

You have been abandoning yourself in two-second increments your whole life, and this episode is where that stops.The tools, the body check, the energetic tab audit, the weird somatic resets you can do in a bathroom stall before a hard conversation, and the actual words to use when you are right at your capacity line and your brain goes completely blank.We also talk about what it actually feels like the first few times you hold your line with someone who is used to you crossing it. Because nobody warns you about that part, and it catches everyone off guard.This is where the work gets real.Capacity Club doors close April 15th. First live call April 15th. https://saraispeer.com/capacity-club

Why Bitch Is the Word They Use to Keep You in LineThe word bitch gets thrown around the second a woman stands her fucking ground. And that is not an accident.This episode is about why that word has so much power over so many of us, where it actually came from, and how it has been quietly running your decisions, your relationships, and your capacity line for most of your life without you even clocking it.We get into the fawn response, the good girl programming that got handed to you before you were old enough to question it, and why that guilty shaky feeling you get when you try to hold your line is straight up conditioning that got baked in before you had any say in the matter.We also talk about the invisible load. The energetic tabs your nervous system is carrying that have nothing to do with your calendar and everything to do with why rest does not restore you and why you can be sitting in a quiet house doing absolutely nothing and still feel like you are one thing away from completely losing it.By the end of this one, you are going to understand exactly why holding your capacity line has felt so impossible. And you are going to stop blaming yourself for it.Capacity Club doors close April 15th. First live call April 15th. https://saraispeer.com/capacity-club

Why the Word Boundaries Is Making It Harder to Actually Have ThemThe word boundaries is so loaded that just hearing it makes most women either shut down or feel guilty before they have even done anything. So Sarai threw it out and replaced it with something that actually makes sense in your body.This episode is about your capacity line. What it is, where it lives, why it is nothing like the cold rigid wall you picture when someone tells you to set a boundary, and why the reframe changes everything about how you actually hold one.Sarai also gets personal about her own version of this. The forty-foot razor wire tower kept everyone out and left her completely alone, and she was actually searching for what she was actually searching for underneath all of it.You will walk away with a completely different relationship to this whole concept, and one thing you can start doing today, even if you are nowhere near ready for the hard conversations yet.Capacity Club doors close April 15th. First live call April 15th. https://saraispeer.com/capacity-club