342: The EGO TRAP – when expectations are too high, motivation suffers

Evolutionary psychologist, Doug Lisle, PhD discusses listener questions with host, Nathan Gershfeld.  In today's show, Dr. Lisle discusses our first question in which a wife feels like she’s sometimes just being used for sex and food. Question #2 is from a listener wondering if some people are just doomed to never find love. 0:00 Teasers and Intro 1:21 Question 1: Wife admires husband but sometimes feels like all he wants is sex and hot meal 36:29 Question 2: Are some people (in the middle of bell curve) not able to find romantic love?   1.  I've heard you say that in a good relationship, the man finds the woman attractive while the woman admires the man's character. This describes my marriage. My husband and I have been together for 30 years. He still wants sex a lot, and I admire his work ethic and dedication as a father.  The problem is, I can't help but feel I'm being "used." I often feel like all he wants from me is sex and a hot meal.  He seems to pour 99% of his energy into his job and career advancement, leaving my emotional needs completely neglected. He works long hours, rarely has time for me, and doesn't share in parenting duties. He's constantly stressed and often snaps at me when he's in a bad mood. When I get upset, he always says he didn't mean it and that he only lashed out because he was at his limit.  I know I can't change who he is, and I can't change my own feelings about his attitude. What can I do to improve our situation? 2. Are some people, who are otherwise normal or middle of the bell curve, just not meant to ever find romantic love? If they are reasonably attractive, intelligent, and have good character is it possible for them to still end alone? What would cause this? Is there any truth to the saying that love comes when you are not looking or when you least expect it?   Web: www.beatyourgenes.org Doug Lisle, PhD www.esteemdynamics.com Nathan Gershfeld, DC www.fastingescape.com Intro & outro song: City of Happy Ones • Ferenc Hegedus Licensed for use Copyright Beat Your Genes Podcast  

Evolutionary psychologist, Doug Lisle, PhD discusses listener questions with host, Nathan Gershfeld.  In today's show, Dr. Lisle discusses the concept of Beating Your Genes and applying evolutionary psychology as a therapist, and then he answers listener questions on dating, dietary disagreement, and mutual decision making in relationships.  0:00 Teasers and Intro 1:56 Applying evolutionary psychology in a therapy practice 25:05  Beating your Genes 28:05 Young woman dating a wealthy man but feeling guilty from all of the gifts 50:34 Husband and Vegan Wife have a great relationship but there is strain around what food to feed their baby 59:10  Women may feel more secure with their mate when he’s right 70% of the time 1. Three months ago, I started dating a very rich man. I am not at all a gold digger and I was not looking for a man at all when I met him. He treats me well and spoils me. However, I feel guilty accepting his gifts and money and not giving him anything in return. I’m 25 years old and a student. For my birthday he bought me thousands of dollars worth of jewelry while I bought him a tie. I felt so bad for not being able to buy him something more expensive. I feel like our relationship is unbalanced and feel guilty every time he spends money on me. I know lots of girls who would love to be in my situation and they definitely wouldn’t feel guilty. What’s wrong with me? How can I stop feeling guilty and just enjoy my time with him? 2. My husband and I are in a magic 10% relationship and we have a one year old baby. I am plant based vegan and he is not. I never thought this would be a problem before we had kids but now it’s putting a huge strain on our relationship. I’m the one who does the most child rearing and so our baby started eating 100% whole foods plant based like me. My husband however thinks that veganism is not healthy for babies so he insists on giving her eggs, meat etc for her brain development. Maybe I have OCD when it comes to healthy eating but I am in such emotional pain when I see him feeding the baby meat. We fight all the time over this and if we continue like this we will end up divorced, which I don’t want to happen because I know I was so in love with him before we had a baby. What should I do? How can I save my marriage? 3. When it comes to females feeling more secure when their males make better decisions 70% of the time - does this apply to all decisions? Like: raising children, cooking, the finances, car repair, household operations, cleaning, travel planning, etc? Are males most comfortable when their female partners make better decisions than them 30% of the time? What about work environments? Should females feel their male bosses and peers make better decisions than them 70% of the time? If so, how can females ever be leaders in the workplace?   Web: www.beatyourgenes.org Doug Lisle, PhD www.esteemdynamics.com Nathan Gershfeld, DC www.fastingescape.com Intro & outro song: City of Happy Ones • Ferenc Hegedus Licensed for use Copyright Beat Your Genes Podcast

Evolutionary psychologist, Doug Lisle, PhD discusses listener questions with host, Nathan Gershfeld. In today's show, we discuss our last episode 345 being removed for 'medical misinformation' even though we have video proof of what was referenced in the offending episode. After an appeal, our video was re-instated, but the creepy feeling of censorship remains. So we are moving to the X platform. We hope to see you there for our normal BYG content. Follow us: X: @beatyourgenes Web: www.beatyourgenes.org Doug Lisle, PhD www.esteemdynamics.com Nathan Gershfeld, DC www.fastingescape.com Intro & outro song: City of Happy Ones • Ferenc Hegedus Licensed for use Copyright Beat Your Genes Podcast

Evolutionary psychologist, Doug Lisle, PhD discusses listener questions with host, Nathan Gershfeld.  In today's show, Dr. Lisle discusses the US Presidential Election and what to consider if you are distraught or if you are celebrating the results of President Trump being elected. Also, Dr. Lisle discusses the concept of morality – what is it? Is it innate? Is it taught? 1. Dr. Lisle weighs in on what to consider about the US Presidential election 2. If morality requires us to act against our psychology, which is impossible, does morality exist? Teasers 0:00 Intro  1:38 Opening discussion 3:08 Dr. Lisle on whether your candidate won or lost: 4:15 You have specific relationships with individuals not government 7:52 An example of an oil wild-catter 13:07 The Group Trap 21:10 Opportunity and Adversity 33:41 Beating your genes 36:19 Some wins and some losses for your tribal psychology 43:04 Question # 2: What is morality?  48:13 Individual differences that are species-specific 56:28 In group/Out group behavior 1:02:00 Morality of the species is magnificent 1:06: 20 Life goes on, look for opportunity 1:07:38 Outro: 1:08:35   Follow us: YouTube: @beatyourgenes X: @beatyourgenes Insta: @Beatyourgenespodcast Web: www.beatyourgenes.org Doug Lisle, PhD www.esteemdynamics.com Nathan Gershfeld, DC www.fastingescape.com Intro & outro song: City of Happy Ones • Ferenc Hegedus Licensed for use   Copyright Beat Your Genes Podcast

Evolutionary psychologist, Doug Lisle, PhD discusses listener questions with host, Nathan Gershfeld.  In today's Part 2 from episode 343, Dr. Lisle discusses a potential explanation for why homosexuality persists in the population despite homosexuals having fewer children.  1. I understand that the very basis of natural selection is transmission and expression of genes - basically we are all evolved to pass as many of our successful genes into the population, and that the characteristics and behavior of the organism is evolved to promote this goal. However, how does that explain the persistent existence of gay people. Their behavior does not work to pass genes into the population - in fact, quite the opposite. I've heard this expressed as a Darwinian Paradox. Is there other behaviors that are also Darwinian Paradoxes? Btw, I'm gay and this in no way is intended to imply that homosexuality is an aberration.  Intro 0:00 Question 1:  0:11 Dr. Lisle answers: 0:53 Final thoughts: 18:29 Outro: 21:20 Follow us:  YouTube: @beatyourgenes  X: @beatyourgenes  Insta: @Beatyourgenespodcast  Web: www.beatyourgenes.org  Doug Lisle, PhD www.esteemdynamics.com  Nathan Gershfeld, DC www.fastingescape.com  Intro & outro song: City of Happy Ones • Ferenc Hegedus Licensed for use Copyright Beat Your Genes Podcast

Evolutionary psychologist, Doug Lisle, PhD discusses listener questions with host, Nathan Gershfeld.  In today's show, Dr. Lisle explains how genes are passed on through generations and just how complex and interdependent they are. However, sometimes this can lead to the mistaken belief that societies can easily breed certain traits into or out of their population.  1. Dr lisle you've often mentioned that we cannot get intelligent people to breed for generations and give rise to a population whose average IQ is higher than the current avg IQ i.e. china/singapore tried to experiment with this idea but they failed. But Dr Lisle you've also said that today's human is on average way more cooperative than the ancient human.. so if the average cooperation can be bred to a higher level, why can't the average IQ be bred to a higher level? Teasers 0:00 Intro  0:45 Opening discussion 1:42 Excerpt from past Episode 299: 4:55 Question #1 8:20 Dr. Lisle Answers: 9:08 Darker skin defends better against solar radiation near Equator 14:40 Survival advantages move evolution very very slowly 15:38 Eugenics is not possible because gene interactions are too complex 33:30 It’s troubling to discover your own constraints: 41:10 Individual human beings have individual differences:  50:00 Outro: 55:30 Follow us:  YouTube: @beatyourgenes  X: @beatyourgenes  Insta: @Beatyourgenespodcast  Web: www.beatyourgenes.org  Doug Lisle, PhD www.esteemdynamics.com  Nathan Gershfeld, DC www.fastingescape.com  Intro & outro song: City of Happy Ones • Ferenc Hegedus Licensed for use Copyright Beat Your Genes Podcast

Evolutionary psychologist, Doug Lisle, PhD discusses listener questions with host, Nathan Gershfeld.  In today's show, Dr. Lisle’s discusses a term called The Ego Trap in the context of the following listener question: 1. Do you think Lebron James is ego-trapping his son Bronny? He has tweeted that Bronny is going to do extremely well he just needs a bit of time, but in reality the kid looks like he’s not even cut out for the D-League. I know there’s something to be said of Lebron’s status and influence in the league when it comes to decision-making, but I wonder what will come out of his son. Bronny has stated in the past that he wants to make his own name and not be compared to his dad. Do you think Lebron’s son will succeed in not feeling bad for living up to people’s high expections and just play the game because he loves it? Or will he react like a teenager with pushy parents wanting him to get straight A’s knowing that he can’t? Teasers 0:00 Intro  0:36 Question #1 1:53 Dr. Lisle talks Basketball and Lebron and Bronny James#1: 3:14 Going over Ego Trap in context of Father/Son Dynamics: 15:32 It’s Motivating to potentially beat expectations: 38:35 Two Traps Dr. Lisle has named  38:58 Final thoughts/Wrapping up:  46:17 Outro: 50:28   Follow us: YouTube: @beatyourgenes X: @beatyourgenes Insta: @Beatyourgenespodcast Web: www.beatyourgenes.org Doug Lisle, PhD www.esteemdynamics.com Nathan Gershfeld, DC www.fastingescape.com Intro & outro song: City of Happy Ones • Ferenc Hegedus Licensed for use   Copyright Beat Your Genes Podcast

Evolutionary psychologist, Doug Lisle, PhD discusses listener questions with host, Nathan Gershfeld.  In today's show, we discuss the following listener questions about evolutionary mismatch at work, academia, and retirement.   1. I was on straight energy conservation mode for years at work. Putting in minimum effort and getting poor performance reviews. I hated it but for the life of me I couldn’t figure out how to get my motivation on board. Then I listened to you for years and over time bits of the pieces of the puzzle started coming together. Ultimately, I realized what I really wanted was the feeling of being productively occupied. To feel productively occupied though my brain needed to feel that it was generating real value in the world and get feedback that the value generated was indeed “real”. That is all to say I could never put a finger on the impact of my efforts in my corporate job. Does this mean the corporate world just isn’t for me? Or do I just need to zero in on what I directly impact in my current position and focus on that? Have you ever heard of people getting their mind/ motivation on board after 8 years of something? 2. I am a Master’s student in Psychology based in Germany, and I am planning to write my thesis on the topic of evolutionary mismatch in the workplace. My aim is to measure this mismatch using a questionnaire and then correlate it with hypothesized outcomes such as job satisfaction and mental health. I believe there may be connections between mismatch and phenomena such as burnout, as well as job satisfaction. This could potentially explain why some individuals prefer to work in small startups despite the objective drawbacks. However, I am encountering resistance from my professors, as they argue that the concept of “mismatch” is subjective and cannot be empirically measured, given that we cannot accurately determine the working conditions during the hunter-gatherer era. As such, they suggest that my thesis could be dismissed as a “just-so” story. I would greatly appreciate any advice on how to address this issue in my thesis. 3. Can you discuss the lack of goals once one is an empty nester? I am 61 and have many hobbies, i have volunteered so much I am having trouble finding anything that I can get excited about. I was a SAH mom and no grandchildren yet but not really interested in the grandchildren daycare duties if and when they present themselves. Post pandemic everything has slowed way down and it feels like reinventing the wheel for the hundredth time. My husband is still working for about 1 more year but we don’t have many common interests. I am coming off of 7 years of being the power of attorney and executor for my aunt who had dementia and passed then subsequently handling the estate with many beneficiaries who are not interested in any kind of support or help so thank goodness I am almost finished with those nearly full time complicated estate duties which utilized my skills well but was very stressful. Now I am just tired of all the working for free but advancing to nowhere. I am very self motivated but wow, the future looks very mundane. Can you suggest some action steps to get going again? Teasers 0:00 Intro  0:42 Question #1 1:51 Answer #1: 3:08 Question #2: 37:20 Answer #2: 38:30 Question #3  48:55 Answer #3:  50:10 Wrapping up: 1:03:54 Outro:  1:05:13   Follow us: YouTube: @beatyourgenes X: @beatyourgenes Insta: @Beatyourgenespodcast Web: www.beatyourgenes.org Doug Lisle, PhD www.esteemdynamics.com Nathan Gershfeld, DC www.fastingescape.com Intro & outro song: City of Happy Ones • Ferenc Hegedus Licensed for use   Copyright Beat Your Genes Podcast

Evolutionary psychologist, Doug Lisle, PhD discusses listener questions with host, Nathan Gershfeld.  In today's show, we discuss  different questions on social anxiety and finish with a short question about dating. 1. Is there a social strategy that involves not competing in an effort not to be seen as a threat? I am a woman and believe I notice in myself a tendency to make myself small around other women. I do this in interactions with women who are both more and less attractive than I am. I have lately come to believe the result is often that they dismiss me as not interesting or relevant, although my goal is to make friends. When I force myself to behave more assertively, I have better long term social result, but it is hard to sustain in ongoing interactions and it causes me rumination and social anxiety. Am I afraid of unleashing my competitive side with people who I want to like me? 2. If the point of everything we do is to find mates and reproduce, why do conditions such as social anxiety exist? I have crippling social anxiety which no therapist has ever been able to fix. I’m a 37 year old woman and I’ve never been on a date because I am just terrified of men. I’m not on the apps, and when I go out in public I avoid men at all costs. How did my ancestors ever find a mate and reproduce with this type of behavior? It just seems counterintuitive to the essence of humanity. 3. Is there anything to be done about emotional instability? I've always felt like a raw nerve trying to navigate through life. I oscillate between very high and very low emotions constantly and when something goes wrong in life I feel it so deeply I become emotionally paralyzed. It makes having relationships hard, as well as trying to get through day to day life. I don't want to go on medication but sometimes I feel like a chemical lobotomy would be a relief. Is there anything to be done? If not, can you explain the genetic reason why a person like this might be beneficial to the tribe so I can focus on a silver lining? 4. In personality, is there a difference between disagreeable and difficult? I know some people who are obviously disagreeable and I do the distance thing with them you suggest, and that works for me. But I also have a few people in my life, with OCD and chronic anxiety who can be kind and nice but unpredictable. Sometimes they are very difficult if they are going through an episode, and it doesn't feel right to just walk away and create distance from the behavior. But usually I can't actually help much either, and things get very muddy and difficult. Can you help me understand the difference, between a disagreeable person (narcissist) and a difficult person (OCD)? Thank you so much. 5. If love is feeling like you are getting a good deal, then what are some techniques to make women feel that way? What are the best ways to make a woman look up to you and seek your approval as a man? How do I communicate that I am better than her? Intro 0:00 Small talk  1:35 Question #1 3:25 Question #2  21:18 Question #3  32:05 Question #4 48:15 Question #5 1:02:45 Wrapping up 1:09:00   Follow us: YouTube: @beatyourgenes X: @beatyourgenes Insta: @Beatyourgenespodcast Web: www.beatyourgenes.org Doug Lisle, PhD www.esteemdynamics.com Nathan Gershfeld, DC www.fastingescape.com Intro & outro song: City of Happy Ones • Ferenc Hegedus Licensed for use   Copyright Beat Your Genes Podcast

Evolutionary psychologist, Doug Lisle, PhD discusses listener questions with host, Nathan Gershfeld.  Question 1: I had a very traumatic childhood, but I don't blame my experiences with my violent alcoholic mother for any of my stupid adult decisions.  I did those all on my own -- with some help from my parents' genes, of course.  What Dr. Lisle teaches on this topic makes sense to me.  I have a friend who, by any measure, had a much less traumatic childhood.  In fact, I don't think it is fair to say that her childhood was traumatic at all. There weren't any drugs or alcohol in her childhood home, and, according to her, she didn't experience any physical, verbal or sexual abuse. Her physical needs were all taken care of and, at the time, she says she felt very loved by both her parents.  She is no longer close to them.   Looking back over her life at the age of 60, she now believes that her emotional needs weren't properly addressed when she was a child. Consequently, she has recently concluded that her problems stem from an attachment disorder caused by her parents. For the first time, she is calling what she experienced "trauma."  She is convinced that her parents' lack of attentiveness to her emotional needs qualifies as trauma and are at fault for much of her current depression and rage, as well as for her struggle with weight.    My friend is quite disagreeable, whereas I am quite agreeable.   Even among people who truly had a traumatic childhood, I have noticed a pattern:  Disagreeable people are more likely to want to blame someone for their shortcomings and for their life's decisions, whereas agreeable people don't tend to blame anyone.  In this way, it seems that agreeable people may be more readily able to grasp the lessons that Evolutionary Psychology has to offer -- at least in the arena of this important topic of trauma and its role in our lives.  What do you think?   Follow us: YouTube: @beatyourgenes X: @beatyourgenes Insta: @Beatyourgenespodcast Web: www.beatyourgenes.org Doug Lisle, PhD www.esteemdynamics.com Nathan Gershfeld, DC www.fastingescape.com Intro & outro song: City of Happy Ones • Ferenc Hegedus Licensed for use   Copyright Beat Your Genes Podcast