Balance your Brain: Couples Therapy and Relationships with James Christensen

Professional baseball player Alex Rodriguez credits Dr. David Schnarch with having saved his life. In this episode, James Christensen and Catherine Roebuck talk about episode 3 of the HBO documentary Alex vs. A-Rod, which describes Alex's work with Dr. David. Watch on YouTube

James and Catherine discuss why yelling at kids is harmful, except in rare moments of immediate danger, and how parents teach far more through their example than through punishment or harshness. They explore autonomy, emotional regulation, and the long-term impact of parenting, arguing that kindness, respect, and steady growth create “emotional wealth” that can shape families for generations. Catherine Roebuck: https://catherineroebuck.com James Christensen: Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/2PC7NKPstyNi08TNfYcyaT Youtube: https://youtube.com/@jameslmft Instagram: instagram.com/jameslmft TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@kindcourage Read the full transcript Watch on YouTube

IN THIS EPISODE: Why revealing the messy stuff in your mind builds trust, but only when paired with responsibility and thoughtfulness about timing and impact The case for telling your partner about an affair: the harm already exists whether you reveal it or not, and secret "cleanup" is just continued deception How apologies become tools for control when you expect instant forgiveness, and why sitting with your partner's reaction IS the real work The concept of male fragility: James shares how learning he was "fragile" in marriage therapy changed everything about how he handles his wife's criticism Congruence vs. masking: the relief your partner feels when what you say finally matches what they can already sense Why James steers couples away from "I feel / I need" language and toward specific behavioral requests, and Catherine's pushback on where vulnerability fits in The difference between sharing your feelings and weaponizing them: "I'm angry right now" vs. "You made me feel this, now fix it" How adult relationships rewire childhood attachment patterns, and why expecting your partner to regulate your emotions doesn't work between equals A powerful therapy moment: a therapist told James's wife to pull her hand back and let him sit with his own pain Practical tools for unmasking: improv classes, self-compassion, learning to restore your own dignity after embarrassment Growth model vs. defect model: you're fine as you are AND you can become a better partner Read the full transcript Watch on YouTube

Catherine Roebuck and I talk about how trauma gets stored in the brain and what helps it heal. We recorded this on March 30, 2026. In this conversation: Why overwhelming experiences get sealed off instead of connected to the rest of your life, and why young children have so few options besides panicking or shutting down Building bridges between a hard memory and the adult you are now Inner child work and inner adult work, and why you need both the tender part and the strong part Revisiting a memory as a scene, with what you could see, hear, and feel, and the compassion that shows up for your younger self Why children see their parents as good and themselves as bad, and what changes when you see the scene clearly Asking "If my partner never changes, will I be okay?" Talking to a parent as a peer, without deferring to them or trying to overpower them Why the person who can help you most often when you're triggered is you Read the full transcript Watch on YouTube

Catherine Roebuck and I talk about how to ask your partner to change without triggering their defenses, starting from everyone's drive for autonomy. In this conversation: "Persistent drive for autonomy" as a kinder term for pathological demand avoidance Warm acceptance vs. cold judgment Why the brain doesn't change when it feels controlled Making a request without deciding they have to say yes Ramping up your distress to get a response "Do you want me to be a doormat?" Finding the option that's actually yours With Catherine Roebuck. Listen on Spotify or Apple Podcasts, or watch on YouTube. Read the full transcript

Childlike Love vs. Adult Love Children can love. But what children do is take warm, pleasant, affectionate feelings and do actions that align with those feelings. When a child feels good toward you, they act good toward you. That feels like love. Most adults do it the same way. Early in a relationship, you have all kinds of warm feelings for your partner, so you just line your actions up with your feelings. You don't have to put a lot of effort in. You're being loving, and it's easy. But as the relationship goes on, or anytime your partner isn't doing what you want, you have to deal with a harder question: How can I love in the absence of that pleasant feeling? That's the part children are way less capable of doing than adults. Acting loving when you're not feeling love is a developed capacity. It doesn't come automatically. Biology Does the Work at First When we're falling in love, our biology is doing so much work for us. It's pushing us toward kindness and caring and being concerned about our partner. But those feelings fade after a while. I got married right at the two-year point of my relationship. That's right when things started to fall apart. Right after we got married, we faced these intense challenges of not knowing how to love each other as adults. We had known how to respond to the amazing feelings we'd had, but those feelings went away pretty quickly after we got married. Then we were stuck in this swamp: I want to love you. I want to create a good relationship. It just seems impossible. The way my mind put it together was that there was something she was doing that made this impossible. I instinctively blamed her. Realistically, neither one of us knew how to generate love from a place that wasn't driven by feelings. The Shift That Has to Happen At some point, when the hormones wear off and you can't rely on biology, you have to shift from your actions being driven by feelings to your actions being value-driven. You can feel angry at your partner and still figure out how to treat them well. This catches most people by surprise. Even if you've had multi-year relationships before, if this is the first time you've really committed (married, moved in together, decided "you're my person"), it's going to play out differently than it ever has before. Ironically, it's the security of the commitment that makes the biological help fall off. For some people, you might get two or three years of hormonally-driven honeymoon. But it won't last longer than that no matter what. If you're going to have a long-term happy relationship, you have to figure out how to love on purpose when you're not feeling warm or kind. Creating a Secure Base As a child, I didn't have the kind of secure base from which you can love in an adult way. Children can't guarantee their own safety and security and okayness. As an adult, if I want to really love my wife, I have to create a secure base to start from. I have to feel like I'm going to be okay. In the absence of that feeling, there's very little chance of me reaching out to her with kindness and generosity. When I feel like I'm not going to be okay, I'm living with an idea of scarcity. There's not enough love to go around. There's not enough safety. So I'm not going to reach out generously and offer love. I feel like it's a scarce resource. Read the full notes Read the full transcript Watch on YouTube

Relational Life Therapist Audrey Schoen and I compare Terry Real's Relational Life Therapy with Crucible Therapy. In this conversation: Personal responsibility in both approaches Healthy separateness vs. unhealthy separateness "I don't feel safe" and "I'm getting triggered" Normal marital sadism, and loving and hating your partner in one conversation RLT's idea of leverage: why bother? Why "do I stay or go" isn't the most important question With Audrey Schoen. Listen on Spotify or Apple Podcasts, or watch on YouTube. Read the full transcript

A radio interview about why marriage is hard, how I work with couples, and what happens in a first session. In this conversation: Why people quit marriage, or quietly quit while staying What happens in a free first session Coming in four weeks in a row, then less often Getting used to feeling the thing you don't want to feel Marriage tune-ups, and signs you might need counseling Why each of you has 80% of the power in your marriage Recorded at Salem Media in Sacramento. Listen on Spotify or Apple Podcasts, or watch on YouTube. Read the full transcript

Three legs of the stool for rebuilding trust after infidelity. In this conversation: Your partner stops cheating and starts behaving in a more trustworthy way You learn to read your partner more accurately You build trust in your ability to take care of yourself, no matter what your partner does Listen on Spotify or Apple Podcasts, or watch on YouTube. Read the full transcript Watch on YouTube

In this episode I talk about how I came to see myself as unusually narcissistic, what narcissism protects against, and what it has taken to grow out of it: fragility, superiority, and indifference, and the work on each. Read the full transcript Watch on YouTube