99: For Sale, Baby Legs, Not Attached (The First Book of Kings)

It's 2024, Theophiloi, and a new year means new friends for your humble sons of thunder! This time, we're chatting to Dr. Justin Sledge about Biblical esoterica and Qabalah, and you know what that means: we finally find out if Promethea or Persona 5 is a more accurate depiction of real-world theology. It turns out Sephiroth ain't just a dude with a big sword and some deep-rooted issues with his mom. Who knew? (Justin did. That's why he's here.) Find out more about Justin and his work at https://www.youtube.com/esotericachannel Topics of Discussion: A Froggy Fresh Christmas; New Bible Drop; Forbidden coneys; the 36th Chamber of Qabalah; The messiah’s hype man; Sixty pages on three words; The art of harmonisation; Pugilists of faith; Schrodinger’s Gnosticism; Running for the deep, mystical border; God’s Hulk (complimentary); The hedge against cultural imperialism; The Twelve (derogatory). Hymnal: "Sledgehammer" by Peter Gabriel Apocrypals is edited by Editorial Deacon Lucas Brown. Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/stores/apocrypals?ref_id=18246  Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Isaiah 54:17 

You know, theophiloi, the topic of trauma in Bible might not seem like something that would lead most people to an extensive discussion of James "Logan" "Wolverine" "Patch" "Lucky Jim" Howlett, but, well, you know how we are. In this special installment of our Multipals series, we're joined by Dr. Alexiana Fry for a delightful discussion that is wide-ranging even by our standards. Join us as we travel from Copenhagen (or "C'pnhawghw," apparently), to the Princess Bar in Madripoor and all points between with the author of Trauma Talks in the Hebrew Bible! Topics of Discussion: The Patch Eras Tour, the Text of Terror, Cortado and Toast, Taco Bell (not a sponsor but ABSOLUTELY COULD BE), the Big Oh No, the juiciest fictional goss, the reprint of the origin of Jebus, cover for rippin’, imminent domain: middle seat edition, the two types of yoga (regular and non-wrestler), words of power, Shrek and trauma, #GlorificationofMartyrdom, Boober and the Second Death. Hymnal: "Friends Forever" by Puffy AmiYumi, "Fall For You" by Secondhand Serenade Apocrypals is edited by Editorial Deacon Lucas Brown. Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/stores/apocrypals?ref_id=18246  Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Isaiah 54:17    

Happy Halloween, The-AHHH!-philoi! As is our tradition here on the show, we're spending the spookiest day of the year looking at texts involving haints and saints! Sort of! We're pushing the definition of "texts" and "haints" to their absolute limits by watching the 2014 evangelical horror (?) film (?), The Lock-In, in which a supervised slumber party at church becomes an existential nightmare due to the presence of a haunted adult magazine.  No, really. That's what the movie is about.  Topics of Discussion: Sex is Wacko (But Not Right Now For Teens), an empty field with fire and Danhausen, Benito: a lonely fan of corn, a bonus review of Journey to Hell (2022), Vegeta's cool shirt, approved uses of oils, puppet ministries, Nick's Mom/Atom Bomb, the purple box as metaphor, the Jared Leto of Christian Horror, the most adult magazines, The Apocrypals Solve Theodicy... Again!, a second "What the Frick?"  Hymnal: "Monster Smash" By Altégo Apocrypals is edited by Editorial Deacon Lucas Brown. Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/stores/apocrypals?ref_id=18246  Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Isaiah 54:17  

You there, Theophiloi! What day is to-day? Wait, what? OCTOBER?! Well, I guess we did miss it, then, and the spirits took their sweet time teaching us the true meaning of Approximate Week. Oh well, time is an illusion and regular publishing schedules are a prison. Either way, we're back with a brand new episode covering the Didache and talking about our mutual birthsday!  Topics of Discussion:  In Burger King as in life, an X-Change of Swords, the Holy Spirit guides you to ol’ Deuts, RIP to a One, everyone should be having fun, Sigma Scripture, great news for chihuahuas, Magic Arts & Filthy Talking: Together Again, the Pepsi of Baptism, making a meal of the Eucharist, …You might be a False Prophet.  Hymnal: "Come With Me" By Sean "Didache" Combs Apocrypals is edited by Editorial Deacon Lucas Brown. Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/stores/apocrypals?ref_id=18246  Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Isaiah 54:17    

Don't worry, Theophiloi! You still have some time to leave coffee out for a werewolf and decorate your anti-arousal thorn bush for Approximate Week (observed). We're bumping back our celebrations to once again bring you a Chill Hangout Sesh with some of our multipals! This time, it's the oft-mentioned Drs. Janet Spittler and Tony Burke, a pair of experts in New Testament Apocrypha that I personally mostly just ask about Wolverine from the X-Men. Topics of Discussion: NASCAR: it really works!™, the noncanon canon, Just Some Gospels, a few apocalypses is plenty of apocalypses, the Comically Extended Death of the Herods, Johnnys Thunderson and Bapto, Jesus and the first chain letter, Jeezey and the Bandit II, Bible Team-Up #1-7, Toxic Mark Gospels_Manual_V9_Revised_Final.pdf, a consensus of one (onesensus), remembering the yellow guy from cartoons. Hymnal: "Hand on the Needle" by Brent Hagerman. Apocrypals is edited by Editorial Deacon Lucas Brown. Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/stores/apocrypals?ref_id=18246  Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Isaiah 54:17  

Do you wanna party, Theophiloi? I sure hope so, because the Multipals series continues with another of our rowdy friends: Anne Thériault (from Ontario), who joins us to talk about her work writing about St. Dymphna and the podcast And Also Some Women, focusing on the women of the Bible. Sadly, I don't believe we get around to talking about a certain saint who called down lightning and completely wrecked some blood-thirsty seals, but to be fair, you already have a podcast for that. She also talks about her favorite episodes of this show, because look, we all need to be cheered up these days and I'm no exception. Topics of Discussion: Bilingual wordplay, going full youth pastor, French Canadian cursing that won't violate our Clean tag, go transubstantiate yourself, the bagel culture war, a bad history thing, the fruit circle of Hell. the Lady Saint Hydra, Hugh Grant’s secret name, The boarders of Geel, the greater part of a skeleton, just saying -isms, most is excellent, Composite Mary-Man. Hymnal: "All My Rowdy Friends Are Coming Over Tonight" by Bocephus. Apocrypals is edited by Editorial Deacon Lucas Brown. Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/stores/apocrypals?ref_id=18246  Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Isaiah 54:17    

Don't be jealous, dear Theophiloi; just because we have some new friends doesn't mean we still don't love you just as much! In this episode, we're talking to another luminary of Biblical TikTok, Aaron Higashi! And look: I'll read the Didache eventually. I've just got a lot on my plate right now, and we have to find out what the Biblical scholarly consensus is on Wolverine's best costume! Check out Aaron's TikTok at: https://www.tiktok.com/@abhbible Topics of Discussion: A Handsomest-Man-off, OnlyPostles (dang it we should've called it OnlyPals), theatres of study, a new grudge (Huey Lewis riff), careers in Bible and other dreams, the best kind of sword, objectively dope sky wizards, doing violence to the text, super-turbonerds, superstars of theology, Send Benito To The Moon For Ever, prying meaning and joy from the jaws of life. Hymnal: "We''re Gonna Be Friends" by the White Stripes. Apocrypals is edited by Editorial Deacon Lucas Brown. Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/stores/apocrypals?ref_id=18246  Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Isaiah 54:17      

Hello, friends and neighbors, and welcome (uh, back?) to a brand new sub-series: Multipals! In these episodes, we're going to be sitting down with guests to talk about Bible and, most likely, Wolverine from the X-Men. To kick things off, we've got the Main Dude of Bible Studies TikTok, Dr. Dan McClellan, here to talk to us about how he tries to clear up misconceptions about the Bible and theology, and why it's very important to wear a t-shirt with Lobo or Venom on it while you're at it. That's right, y'all: we finally found someone else who likes to talk about Bible and will admit to being really into Todd McFarlane's Spawn.  Make sure to check out Dan at https://www.maklelan.org/ and on TikTok @maklelan!  Topics of Discussion: Beard guidelines vs. Beard Law, the battle against misinformation, snakes (literal), a weird rock, the new hotness in being wrong, God's wife, a record number of tetragrammatons, Disciple Babies, Crisis On Infinite Sources, Inserting the Ark (not like that), adjusting the lens of your theology, a divisive binary concerning Uncanny X-Men #268, so-and-so go on Apo. Hymnal: "Deep Fried Frenz" by MF DOOM Apocrypals is edited by Editorial Deacon Lucas Brown. Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/stores/apocrypals?ref_id=18246  Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Isaiah 54:17  

Look, Thephiloi, you don't actually have to skip this one (it's actually one of my personal favorites, tbqh) but I'm gonna warn you up front: we were in a PRETTY SILLY MOOD when we were recording this one. Come for the discussion of Hosea's prophecies of ruin for the iniquitous and faithless houses of Israel and also how much he just really hates his own wife, stay for our extended discussion of that one ghost from Ghostbusters, a film they showed to children on television. Topics of Discussion: A child’s pronunciation, what is (and more importantly is not) a Christmas song, the issue of royal turnover, the opposite of boredom, the days of the balls, the original middle panel, the sin of raisin cakes, two kinds of wine, that one ghost, a hungry prophet, a silly dove move, advice for the Memphis Grizzlies. Hymnal: "Wrecking Ball" by Miley Cyrus, "Chiquitita" by Stephen Mann of English Martyrs Church  (https://www.youtube.com/user/Principal45) Apocrypals is edited by Editorial Deacon Lucas Brown. Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/stores/apocrypals?ref_id=18246  Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Isaiah 54:17      

You there, Theophiloi, what day is to-day? What? It's mid-November? Well, we keep the spirit of Halloween in our hearts year round on this podcast, so we're going ahead with our annual tradition of Haints 'n' Saints with a second pair of stories starring Rabbi Israel ben Eliezer, the Master of the Good Name! Join us as the Besht Around takes on an evil antisemite with an army of dinosaurs and Ninth House Bone Monsters and then turns his attention to a somewhat low-key intervention in a swamp monster murder plot. And don't worry: it ain't a real cat. Topics of Discussion: Jack Black’s latest star turn, being a Dune Guy, Adrian Brody being surprisingly ripped, the origins of the piñata, Fire-Lions and Figer-tires, loose bones, microwaves that make monsters, the final boss is hogs, why it’s good to know The Name, purifying yourself in the waters of lake Minnetonka, writing your sins on the driveway, beware of the Sin Blob, don’t anger a body of water, Denny O’Neill is defensive, David Blaine: Professional Liar, Orphan Orange and other wild Otter Pop Lore. Hymnal: "What's New Pussycat" by Tom Jones, "Toccata in D Minor" by Richard Elliot Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/stores/apocrypals?ref_id=18246 Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Isaiah 54:17