We Make the Road by Walking: Death, Grief and Living Well.

On the Feast of All Souls, funeral celebrant and former priest David Linaker reflects on remembering the dead with gratitude, including those whose legacy is complicated. A reflection on grief, loss, estrangement and honouring the people who made us, with a simple candle ritual of remembrance.-Who are the dozen or so people, now dead, who made you who you are?The 2nd of November is the Feast of All Souls, the day the Christian calendar sets aside to remember the dead. Funeral celebrant and former Church of England priest David Linaker no longer holds to the old doctrine of praying for souls, yet he finds in the day an invitation to deliberate gratitude for the lives that have touched ours.In this episode David explores:* why we are a social species, and how deeply our lives depend on other people* the people he remembers at All Souls: the grandmother who raised him, the mother he lost at four, and the mentors who walked beside him for a time* why we see people as we are rather than as they are, and why that calls for humility and generosity towards the dead* finding gratitude where the legacy is complicated, told through his relationship with his father, from whom he was estranged for the last seven years of his life* why no one should be asked to whitewash real hurt or abuse, and why the question of gratitude can be left unanswered for now* why we go on loving the dead in the present tenseFrom the episode: “We don’t see people as they are; we see people as we are.”This week’s practice: a ritual of remembranceAllow about half an hour.* Make a list of the people, now dead, who have most shaped your life: the people who showed you what love is by loving you, who had your back in difficult times, whose example you admired. Try to keep it to around a dozen; there is always next year.* Set out a tea light for each name (real or electric), or a single candle for the whole list.* Name each person in turn and light their tea light. If you are using one candle, light it at the start and read through the list.* Give each name at least a minute. Picture them, let your memory of them fill your mind, and dwell on what you are grateful for in what they left you. Keep tissues nearby.* When you reach the end of the list, close with a word of thanks, such as: “To all of you who have in some way formed who I am, I thank you.”If any name on the list is too painful for gratitude just now, set it aside. It can remain a question without an answer.I’d love to hear how the ritual goes for you. Do get in touch through Instagram or the website below.If someone you are grieving was estranged from you, in life or at the end of it, the free Christmas extract from my book Family Estrangement may be a companion for the season ahead: [LINK]Links* Website:https://www.davidlinaker.com* Instagram: @davidlinaker_author (https://www.instagram.com/davidlinaker_author)* Book: Finding Peace in the Second Half of Life: Love, Loss, Grief and the Search for Meaning: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0GTYCZ5XBA rating or review helps others who are grieving to find the podcast, so do leave one if this episode meant something to you.This podcast offers reflection and companionship rather than counselling or professional support. Anyone in distress can call Samaritans, free and at any hour, on 116 123 (UK and Ireland), or visit samaritans.org. Get full access to We Make the Road by Walking - Finding Solid Ground at davidlinaker.substack.com/subscribe

Grief follows more than a death. David Linaker, funeral celebrant and former priest, reflects on the grief of divorce and broken relationships, the grief of losing a job or career, and the values that hold steady when vision and purpose are lost. A reflection on grief, identity and rebuilding a life after loss.Show notesGrief follows more than a death. When a marriage ends or a working life is taken away, the wound goes to the heart of who we are, and the person or the old life is often still in plain sight.In this episode, funeral celebrant and former Church of England priest David Linaker carries last week’s love, lose, live pattern into the losses that come without a funeral. Drawing on his own experience of divorce and on the hundreds of weddings he has conducted, David explores:* why the end of a marriage can wound as deeply as a death, and why the continued presence of the other person can sharpen the pain* the grief of the one who betrayed as well as the one betrayed* losing a job or a career, and what it does to our sense of status and place in the world* the three-legged stool of identity: vision, purpose and values* why values, more than Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, are the compass for reading the map of a life after lossThis week’s practiceDraw four columns: how I believe I should treat others; how I believe I should be treated; how I want to show up in the world; my core values. Fill the first three as fully as you wish, then distil from them the few words that name your values.Download the free worksheet: Or simply draw the four columns in your journal.From the episode: “Getting clear about your values and who you want to be is of higher value than any treasure.”Links* Website: https://www.davidlinaker.com* Instagram: @davidlinaker_author (https://www.instagram.com/davidlinaker_author)* Book: Finding Peace in the Second Half of Life: Love, Loss, Grief and the Search for Meaning: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0GTYCZ5XBA rating or review helps others who are grieving to find the podcast, so do leave one if this episode meant something to you.This podcast offers reflection and companionship rather than counselling or professional support. Anyone in distress can call Samaritans, free and at any hour, on 116 123 (UK and Ireland), or visit samaritans.org. Get full access to We Make the Road by Walking - Finding Solid Ground at davidlinaker.substack.com/subscribe

In this episode, funeral celebrant and former Church of England priest David Linaker reflects on what he calls the love, lose, live formula. We love because we are human. The price of loving is that we lose. In the loss lies the possibility of meaning, and of a life lived well.Drawing on his own bereavement as a small boy, David explores:* the wound grief leaves, and why meaning so often emerges from that very place* how loyalty to someone who has died can keep us from living* why funerals matter, and what a good funeral can open up for those left behind* standing at the side of life’s road until we are ready to cross* how grief shows us who our friends are* the scar that reminds us we too are mortal, with a life still to liveFrom the episode: “Thank you for paying the wholly unacceptable price for the wisdom that I now enjoy.”Links* Website: www.davidlinaker.com* Instagram: @davidlinaker_author* Book: Finding Peace in the Second Half of Life: Love, Loss, Grief and the Search for MeaningA rating or review helps others who are grieving to find the podcast, so do leave one if this episode meant something to you.This podcast offers reflection and companionship rather than counselling or professional support. Anyone in distress can call Samaritans, free and at any hour, on 116 123 (UK and Ireland), or visit samaritans.org. Get full access to We Make the Road by Walking - Finding Solid Ground at davidlinaker.substack.com/subscribe

This first episode addresses the subject of death. I have tried not to include material that might be distressing, but discretion is advised.Most importantly, I’ll be talking about how our relationship with our mortality can have a massive impact on our wellbeing.You can contact me at https://www.davidlinaker.com/or follow me on Instagram @davidlinaker_author Get full access to We Make the Road by Walking - Finding Solid Ground at davidlinaker.substack.com/subscribe

Tattooed on my right foot is a line from the Spanish poet Antonio Machado. In English it reads: We make the road by walking.I am a funeral and a wedding celebrant and a writer, and for many years I was a Church of England priest. Most weeks, I stand with families at the edges of life: new relationships and the realities of death. Over time, those thresholds have taught me a great deal about how to live.This podcast is where I think out loud about that. Each episode reflects on moments I’ve witnessed and what they have taught me. The thinking is rooted in a secular spiritual method derived from the Rule of St Benedict, a sixth-century guide to ordinary life written for monks and used here without its theology. Every episode closes with one small practice to carry into the week.This is for anyone who has felt the ground shift under them, whatever they believe or have stopped believing.The first episode arrives on Tuesday 13 October.We’ll make the road by walking, and find solid ground along the way.The quotation is from Antonio Machado, Campos de Castilla (1912).For more about David, visit www.davidlinaker.com Get full access to We Make the Road by Walking - Finding Solid Ground at davidlinaker.substack.com/subscribe