Two Dicks in a Bar

The haunted doll museum charges $66.60 to get in and $166.66 for a photo with a four-foot possessed Raggedy Ann, and that still isn't the dumbest decision anyone made this week. Also: a kid gets suspended for talking his buddy into Googling the one thing you never Google on a school laptop, flavored post-nasal drip pitched as a billion-dollar idea, and a "Skynet" data center headed to space with no plan for the heat.

The first-ever glow-in-the-dark disc golf league pulls 22 players, the AI-built tee sheet strands a six-top in the middle of nowhere, and the official fix is to plug it right back into the same AI and tell it where it fucked up. Also: night golfers swear they never hit a single tree, and skin-cell science threatens to make "go fuck yourself" a real medical option.

The mango habanero shot was supposed to finally be gone. Instead, somebody ignored the pink sticky note and cracked a brand new bottle. Also: 235 episodes in, the guys figure the audience bailed about 135 ago, plus Gwar plans and a Camaro so cramped someone rode in the fetal position.

Ranch is declared the superior dressing with a standing offer to fight anyone who disagrees, and Thousand Island gets exposed as Big Mac sauce. Also: the buddy who unlocked every cheat in ARK and wiped out six months of island-building in one week, urinal stickers smuggled to the Keys, and a walk-on cameo right in the middle of the politics segment.

Amazing Spider-Man hits issue 1000 at $9.99 a copy after launching at 12 cents, and somebody at the table still can't understand how there could be a thousand of them. Also: a fight over which emotion powers the Green Lantern, a limited-run putter made from recycled Crocs and stamped with a raccoon named Jimothy, and a shot so cloudy it got compared to alien jizz.

Somebody rips the stall door off the bar bathroom and blames a bald guy from Georgia who never existed, which leaves the one-armed ex-cook as the only other suspect. Also: a live on-air Google confirms the full bush is officially back, and a tramp stamp that supposedly predates the term.

A Sandra Bullock/Nicole Kidman/Tom Cruise height-guessing game turns into an actual Google competition, and Tom Cruise still comes up short. That segues into a Practical Magic sequel review 28 years in the making, which mostly involves someone's mom threatening to walk out. Then it's a full-blown DC multiverse lecture — Flashpoint Paradox, evil Martha Wayne, the whole thing — that nobody asked for but everybody stayed for.

Fantasy football draft recap turns into a public shaming when someone admits his bedroom superpower is "being a good listener" and gets docked 52 points on the spot. Also: a door hinge finally gets fixed after nearly taking someone out, a bathroom sink that just won't turn off, and a long, confused conversation about a niece's TikTok candy-bucket career that nobody at the table can explain.

Somebody decides they’re now watching every movie in Chinese subtitles from here on, right after explaining why porn is better with captions. Also: a stolen trailer gets guiltily returned two hours later, a debate over whether lap dances improve when the stripper’s crying, and a full apocalypse survival plan that ends with eating the dog.

An argument about flock cameras spirals into a full federal budget rebuild — 30% off the military, a corporate tax hike, and a surprisingly confident case for striking first with nukes. Also: a Darth Vader cosplayer testifies at a town hall, a smallpox scar becomes a two-needle forensic investigation, and Dolly Parton’s death sends the whole bar into a genuinely sweet detour.