Emotional fitness, high value partnerships, generational relationship healing
The question I most often get when it comes to intimacy coaching is how I got into it. I think of it as a co-collaborative effort between me and the universe. In many ways I chose this path, but in other ways, it chose me. Relationships have never been easy for me, even as I have an intuitive grasp of them. In my estimation, two main themes have led me to commit fully to this work, while there are many other reasons. The first theme is that from a very young age, I’ve always been interested in people, culture, and relationships. I’ve had a certain idea or understanding of how relationships are supposed to go; an expectation of honesty, communication, and equal give and take, i.e. real partnership. And you know how expectations go, right? Well, let’s just say this has been a main source of my relationship frustrations. I now understand this orientation to be more of a template of relationship I was born with, that doesn’t happen to match with our current world, but is real, none-the-less. My whole life people have told me my ideas are unrealistic. Now I relate to these ideas as a vision that I didn’t necessarily choose, but more of a map I was given to follow and share with others. We are all born with an inherent understanding of something that could be related to as a calling. And for the astrology/human design/gene keys people; this constellation is all over my chart. Being born with a certain vision is the easy part. The second theme has to do with actually bringing it to life; implementing what I see. I was born into a family with a lot of dense emotional matter to sort through. I understood, intuitively, at an early age that healing generational patterns was going to be a central theme for me. And I took on this role with gusto. When I look back, I’ve come far. But I didn’t realize how long it would take… in many ways this work is never done, it just gets easier and more satisfying when we have better tools to work with. I’ve worked through many cycles of relationship healing and rewriting old patterns into new foundations. This is my life’s work more than anything. But for the last few years I’ve been moving into a new phase. One where I am shifting from the familiar tunnels of a trauma-informed reality into a greater creative expansion and outward expression. I’m taking what I’ve learned and beginning to make art from it. I’m entering the next phase of my own emerging. Part of my healing process was when I went from working with a therapist to working with coaches and healers. Therapy was great for many things. It helped me create more awareness and shift my relationship to my past. But after decades of work, and on-and-off therapy stints (1-2 years at a time), I still hadn’t reached the deepest layers of my inner conflict. I’ve always seen depression as a spiritual disease. It wasn’t until I hired an intimacy coach, and then a holistic life coach, that I was able to finally get to the spiritual source and make more significant changes. What I could never get to in years of therapy, my facilitators helped me uncover within months. That’s when I started to see the power of coaching. I already knew I wanted to be in the relational health field and that I wanted to work with people in meaningful ways. Early on I had explored or considered nursing, teaching, politics as a way to help people. Ultimately I gravitated toward the creative and business field of marketing because it felt the most innovative. I thought perhaps I could help people through mass communication of big ideas and by empowering people to be self-determined through business, but I often found myself reaching for more emotional purpose in places that didn’t go too far below the surface. I suppose because of my own bias toward the coaching industry, I never considered it. But after the marketing industry (especially in tech) started changing in ways that felt more callous by the day, and with these fresh coaching experiences I just had, it seemed like a logical path. While I had already done a lot of personal healing work, understood the healing process, and had a vision for a more fulfilling relationship model — I enrolled in an intimacy and relationship coaching program to help me learn how to actually hold sessions with clients. The program I chose, called Somatica, takes a relational approach. Instead of being walled off from the person in front of you in a one-way interaction, as a practitioner, you are encouraged to engage in more of an exchange, and share live feedback as a way of helping people understand their own behavior, blocks, and energy effects. While I don’t practice the full Somatica method, I gained a lot from learning how to structure a session, and use different tools for exploring edges, while creating safe space for de-armoring (relaxing defenses), which is essentially what intimacy coaching is all about. I focus on the more emotional aspects of intimacy and relationships. Learning how to see and be seen in genuine ways is the practice of intimacy, and it’s how we get our deeper needs and desires for human connection met. Most of us have shields up around that ability, and that’s what creates conflict, avoidance, and a prevailing sense of disconnection in both interpersonal relationships and society at large. So when I became brave enough to acknowledge the radical power of intimacy in creating a better society, I committed fully to this path. Lately I’ve been trying to figure out how to translate this vision of relationships and relationship health into tangible ideas that make it easy for people to engage and explore. Through this work I’ve centered on three main concepts that all work together. I’m still in the discovery phase of seeing if they actually land with the people I hope to reach. I’d love to hear what you think 🙂. Emotional FitnessEmotional fitness is a double entendre (has two meanings). The first is this idea that emotional skills are like other types of muscles; they require ongoing working out in order to stay lean and not atrophy. Being in shape, emotionally speaking, is not a one and done endeavor. It means daily practice, and perhaps working with an instructor on a regular or semi-regular basis to build new capacities. The second meaning has to do with survival of the fittest. More and more, suitable partners are being evaluated on their ability to demonstrate sophisticated emotional skills. For both men and women, this is becoming table stakes. Men want peace, women want safety. When we look at what’s happening with the birth rate crisis, more women are choosing to stay single because they are not finding partners who meet their desire to connect on a deeper emotional level. Conversely, young men are turning to more superficial means of relationship through technology use. In this scenario, no one wins. There are many other factors playing a role, and I’m not going to go too deep on that here. Suffice to say, if you aren’t working on your ability to create safe emotional space with another person, mainly a partner, the chances of continuing your lineage or being more socially supported decrease. High Value PartnershipsThe phrase ‘high value’ is often associated with qualities like financial, physical, educational, or social status. In this case, I’m flipping the script to say that high value partners and partnerships are based on emotional fitness. Because more and more that’s what people are seeking. What would happen if there were more emotionally healthy and aligned partnerships in the world? If people chose each other based on shared values, complementary skills, and heart-centered connection? I think we would unlock new levels of human potential. We would shift the trajectory of relationship health for generations to come. Generational Relationship HealingThat brings me to the last concept. By increasing emotional fitness and creating more grounded, heart-centered (high value) partnerships in the world, we fundamentally shift rel… Get full access to Relationship Health Club ✵ Regenerative Relationships at melissabelongea.substack.com/subscribe
