Remember, Remember the Fifth of November
By Michael Pakaluk
After Bill Clinton's re-election, which he much lamented, Judge Bork wrote a famous essay on the martini ("How to Forget the Election"), offering an excellent method as to the best available consolation. In the same spirit, then, and seeking what consolations we need, I propose that we commemorate that fine judge and his estimable drink by declaring that henceforth the "Fifth" of November – in accordance with the word's ordinary public meaning – should mean gin, not Guy Fawkes's plot, nor the bonfires on which Englishmen once burned the pope in effigy.
The wise judge counseled: "Just the right amount of alcohol taken at the right time will. . .enable you to see the humor in America's having a Banana Republic government, and to fall asleep congratulating yourself on having risen above despair." Plus ça change.
He would allow no "alcoholic relativism." There was, he held, an objective truth as to the best drink: "Just as there are spiritual truths, so there are spiritous truths." Originalist though Bork was, and wary of natural-law jurisprudence, here he reasoned like a Thomist, or nearly so: there is a natural law of spirits, and the martini is that law, distilled.
If the martini is objectively the best drink, then its fortunes are a fair index of the health of at least part of our culture. Here the judge would be heartened, were he with us; I suspect he is heartened. "The awful truth," he wrote in 1996, "is that the martini was on the verge of extinction. Just a few years back, no one under the age of forty drank it." He claimed a modest share in its revival. He had taught his clerks the ideal recipe, and they took to ordering "Judge Bork martinis" in Washington bars. "This," he confessed, "gave a somewhat false picture of life in my chambers." (Note the wry "somewhat.")
Have his efforts borne fruit? Perhaps so. The margarita remains America's favorite cocktail, but it has slipped. According to NielsenIQ, the number of drinkers aged 21 to 34 who regularly order one has fallen 28 percent in two years. Meanwhile, the martini's sales per bar rose 29 percent at the end of last year. At the world's best bars, the dry martini now ranks fourth, behind only the margarita, the Negroni, and the Old Fashioned.
"True law is right reason in agreement with nature, spread among all men, constant and everlasting. It summons to duty by its commands and deters from wrongdoing by its prohibitions," Cicero wrote in De Re Publica (III.33). "It is not lawful to amend this law, nor to repeal any part of it, nor can it be abolished entirely; neither senate nor people can release us from it. . . .There will not be one law at Rome and another at Athens, one now and another hereafter. One law, everlasting and unchangeable, will bind all nations at all times. There will be one common master and ruler of all, God, the author, interpreter, and enactor of this law."
And so it is with the law which is Bork's ideal recipe. Despite an explosion of boutique gins – and a wider availability of vermouths from France, Italy, and even Japan – the natural law of the martini, in its "genus," remains the same, although it may be "specified" in different ways. Historical studies of the martini have not unsettled it.
But here is a step that Bork missed. He never articulated the ideal. He dismissed and ruled out, but he did not say why. "A martini means gin." Why does it mean gin? "The martini must be straight up." Melting ice dilutes it, to be sure, but why is that bad? And what is the proper ratio? "[Lowell] Edmunds says the proportion of gin to vermouth may range from 4:1 to 8:1." But why?
The first readers of that essay loved it in part for its strong-mindedness, its dogmatic defense of sensed high standards. But where do these standards come from? Remember: no "alcoholic relativism."
As St. Thomas teaches, the natural law is articulated through a grasp of an inclinatio based in nature. An Aristotelian might call it an ideal type. We want, for i...