Episode 59: What is consensual sex?

Once whispered about in hushed tones, the topic of painful penetration is finally finding its voice. It’s surprising, as well as alarming, how many women endure this struggle in silence, putting up with traditional sexual intercourse through gritted teeth, simply because it hurts too much.For older women, pain during penetration is often blamed on hormonal change but it’s not just about biology. There’s the fear that can be as a result of trauma, an accident, for example, that can make penetration feel like an insurmountable hurdle. And it doesn’t matter whether it’s a partner or something as clinical as a speculum; the result is the same. For some, like my guest Dr. Amanda Olson, it was an accident so severe it turned intimacy into agony. Her journey, though, led her to something remarkable: retraining as a pelvic floor therapist and founding Intimate Rose, a company that creates vaginal dilators and other tools designed not just to heal, but to rediscover pleasure.When Amanda and I spoke, we dived headfirst into the subject of dilators - how they work, who they help, and why they matter. We explored their role in managing conditions like vaginismus, that frustratingly misunderstood tightrope between mind and body. Amanda explained how combining dilators with carefully guided exercises can be life-changing, transforming what once felt impossible into something empowering.But here’s the issue that comes up so often during my podcast conversations which is that so many women struggle to access this kind of support. Why? A shocking lack of education among healthcare professionals. The resources are there, the tools exist, but too often the system leaves women fumbling in the dark, feeling dismissed or ashamed for even asking.It’s a conversation long overdue, and one that’s only just beginning.If you have enjoyed this podcast, please comment, subscribe, share. The more people I can reach about how to enjoy sex in later life, the more likely I am to help remove the stigma around this topic. 00:00 Introduction to Intimate Health Solutions02:54 Understanding Vaginal Dilators06:05 Addressing Pain and Mobility Issues09:02 The Role of Breathing Techniques11:59 Supporting Emotional and Physical Healing15:06 Collaboration with Healthcare Professionals17:59 Advocating for Sexual Health21:01 Impact of Cancer on Sexual Health23:52 The Importance of Early InterventionThousands of people are finally talking about intimacy, desire and pleasure without shame. Join them - subscribe now and you’ll receive my freebie - Top 10 Overlooked Secrets to Better Sex.If you'd like access to exclusive features like personal posts, my upcoming guide Getting Started with Sex Toys, a chat room, direct messaging for your burning questions, and Substack Live sessions with expert guests, consider becoming a paid subscriber!Annual membership is just £49.99 (a better deal than £9.99/month) and supports the work behind creating weekly podcasts, managing social media, collaborating with health professionals, and producing valuable resources. This isn’t just a hobby—it’s my passion and profession.Your subscription helps empower older individuals to feel sexually confident and access tools for pain-free, pleasurable intimacy.What others are saying:"I just finished listening to your podcast! I felt like I was sitting around the dinner table with friends, finally able to talk about what no one else does."“First of all, let me tell you how awesome I think you are and how valuable I think your Substack is.”“Your work is one of my new found joys. Thank you.” Get full access to Sex Advice for Seniors at www.sexadviceforseniors.com/subscribe

Bob Mizek-Menopause for men and I connected through Substack, where he’s been sharing his journey following prostate cancer surgery. His writing tackles the highs and lows of that experience including dealing with medical professionals of varying skill levels and learning to advocate for his own sexual health.What I truly admire about Bob is his raw honesty. He’s candid about the challenges he’s faced, both in the bedroom and beyond. From navigating treatment options to rethinking assumptions about menopause and hormonal changes, Bob’s journey has been one of growth, resilience, and discovery. He openly discusses how his illness has deepened the bond with his partner, especially in how they communicate about sex.Bob’s determination to ensure other men don’t feel overlooked or ignored, as he once did, is inspiring. He’s now writing about his own version of the "Male Menopause," exploring the impact of significant hormonal changes, and inviting others to join the conversation. You can follow his insightful and moving reflections on Substack.Thank you, Bob, for your honesty and generosity in sharing your story with the Sex Advice for Seniors audience!Please leave a comment or a question as we’d love to hear your thoughts and please do share if you found our conversation of value.Thousands of people are finally talking about intimacy, desire and pleasure without shame. Join them - subscribe now and you’ll receive my freebie - Top 10 Overlooked Secrets to Better Sex.If you'd like access to exclusive features like personal posts, my new and highly regarded 32 page booklet, Getting Started with Sex Toys, a chat room, direct messaging for your burning questions, and Substack Live sessions with expert guests, consider becoming a paid subscriber! Your sex life will improve as a result!Annual membership is just £49.99 (a better deal than £6.99/month) and supports the work behind creating weekly podcasts, managing social media, collaborating with health professionals, and producing valuable resources that will help you to become a better lover. This isn’t just a hobby—it’s my passion and profession.Your subscription helps empower older individuals to feel sexually confident and access tools for pain-free, pleasurable intimacy.What others are saying:"I just finished listening to your podcast! I felt like I was sitting around the dinner table with friends, finally able to talk about what no one else does."“First of all, let me tell you how awesome I think you are and how valuable I think your Substack is.”“Your work is one of my new found joys. Thank you.” Get full access to Sex Advice for Seniors at www.sexadviceforseniors.com/subscribe

In this episode, I reconnected with my former co-host, the wonderful Zoe Kors. Though we’ve never met in person, she feels like a kindred spirit, and I absolutely love her to bits!.It had been months since our last chat, but like old friends, the conversation flowed effortlessly. I was eager to catch up and hear what she’s been up to since we last recorded together, back when another former co-host Peter Marriott joined us.As always, we had plenty to talk about - sex, relationships, and dating in later life. We touched on the role of sexologists in helping couples navigate their sexual life, often having gone through couples therapy, and the fascinating impact they can have.Zoe’s been working on a memoir, as have I, and we traded stories about the highs and lows of writing about our personal lives. It’s a challenge to create something deeply honest yet engaging for readers and know where to draw the line when it comes to saying too much, or too little.We wrapped up by sharing our plans and aspirations for the future. It was a joy to catch up, and I hope you enjoy the show. If you do, please leave a comment. We love hearing from our listeners!00:00 Reconnecting and Reflecting on Change02:58 The Role of Sexuality in Therapy05:54 Navigating Sexuality and Relationships09:05 The Journey of Self-Discovery12:01 Embracing Aging and Sexuality15:01 Writing and Creative Expression18:03 The Importance of Community and Connection21:03 Life Transitions and Personal Growth23:53 Curating a Joyful Life26:59 Future Aspirations and RetreatsThousands of people are finally talking about intimacy, desire and pleasure without shame. Join them - subscribe now and you’ll receive my freebie - Top 10 Overlooked Secrets to Better Sex.If you'd like access to exclusive features like personal posts, my upcoming guide Getting Started with Sex Toys, a chat room, direct messaging for your burning questions, and Substack Live sessions with expert guests, consider becoming a paid subscriber!Annual membership is just £49.99 (a better deal than £9.99/month) and supports the work behind creating weekly podcasts, managing social media, collaborating with health professionals, and producing valuable resources. This isn’t just a hobby—it’s my passion and profession.Your subscription helps empower older individuals to feel sexually confident and access tools for pain-free, pleasurable intimacy.What others are saying:"I just finished listening to your podcast! I felt like I was sitting around the dinner table with friends, finally able to talk about what no one else does."“First of all, let me tell you how awesome I think you are and how valuable I think your Substack is.”“Your work is one of my new found joys. Thank you.” Get full access to Sex Advice for Seniors at www.sexadviceforseniors.com/subscribe

What actually goes on when you attend a session with a sex therapist and what are some of the tools they use to try and help singles and couples to overcome their challenges around sex. After a hundred or more episodes, in which I suspect I have overlooked many of the practical aspects of sex therapy, I decided to use my conversation with Dr. Denise Renye to get into the nitty gritty of her profession.We begin by addressing the natural nervousness many of her clients feel when stepping into therapy for the first time. Dr. Renye reassures us that this is completely normal and shares practical tools to help ease into the process, creating an environment where they can feel safe and understood. She then introduced me to the "Wheel of Consent," a powerful tool that clarifies how we can navigate our desires and boundaries. We also talked about the practice of sensate focus, a method that encourages couples to reconnect with their partner by focusing on touch and sensation rather than performance. This approach invites them to shift their attention toward presence and shared experiences, helping to reignite the spark in their intimate lives. She reminds us that intimacy isn’t about perfection—it’s about being present with one another.We also explored the importance of setting boundaries, a vital part of building trust and safety in any relationship. Dr. Renye guided me through ways we can establish and respect boundaries, helping us create relationships that feel secure and fulfilling. For those of us who may struggle with performance anxiety, she introduces the "4D Wheel," a tool designed to help us reframe our anxieties and approach intimacy with curiosity and compassion.I hope you find these tools useful and would encourage you to find out more about them. You can find Dr. Denise Renye here.00:00 Understanding Sex Therapy02:47 Navigating Nervousness in Therapy06:08 The Wheel of Consent Explained08:55 Comparing Consent Tools11:46 Sensate Focus and Its Benefits14:52 Re-engaging with Intimacy18:07 Exploring Boundaries in Intimacy20:59 The 4D Wheel and Performance Anxiety24:00 Resources for Sexual Health27:07 Closing Thoughts on IntimacyDr. Denise Renye has specialised training and has worked directly with people in the areas of sexuality, relationships, states of consciousness, psychedelic integration and intimacy. She holds several degrees and accreditations. You can find out more about her here.Sex Advice for Seniors is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.If you'd like access to exclusive features like personal posts, my upcoming guide Getting Started with Sex Toys, a chat room, direct messaging for your burning questions, and Substack Live sessions with expert guests, consider becoming a paid subscriber!Annual membership is just £49.99 (a better deal than £9.99/month) and supports the work behind creating weekly podcasts, managing social media, collaborating with health professionals, and producing valuable resources. This isn’t just a hobby—it’s my passion and profession.Your subscription helps empower older individuals to feel sexually confident and access tools for pain-free, pleasurable intimacy.What others are saying:"I just finished listening to your podcast! I felt like I was sitting around the dinner table with friends, finally able to talk about what no one else does."“First of all, let me tell you how awesome I think you are and how valuable I think your Substack is.”“Your work is one of my new found joys. Thank you.” Get full access to Sex Advice for Seniors at www.sexadviceforseniors.com/subscribe

In this episode of Sex Advice for Seniors I had the pleasure of speaking with fellow Substacker Ally Iseman, a relationship coach and self-proclaimed non-monogamy nerd, about the nuances of ethical non-monogamy and its implications for older adults exploring new relationship dynamics. This is an area in which I’m too familiar, having been in several relationships, both serious and casual, in which monogamy was not part of the construct. And I am now in a situationship, which has some degree of flexibility around it.We delved into the importance of communication in relationships, particularly when considering non-traditional structures like polyamory and swinging. Ali emphasised that understanding and articulating one's needs and boundaries are crucial, regardless of the relationship style. Thousands of people are finally talking about intimacy, desire and pleasure without shame. Join them - subscribe now and you’ll receive my freebie - Top 10 Overlooked Secrets to Better Sex.We also discussed the challenges and misconceptions surrounding non-monogamy, such as jealousy and societal expectations, and how these can be navigated through open dialogue and self-awareness. Although monogamy comes with its own particular challenges, so do relationships that may involve multiple partners.Our conversation highlighted the potential for personal growth and fulfilment through exploring different relationship dynamics, especially later in life when individuals may seek new experiences or have different emotional and physical needs.Chapters00:00 Exploring Non-Monogamy and Relationships09:58 Communication in Non-Monogamous Relationships20:10 Understanding Jealousy and Compersion30:04 Navigating Relationship Dynamics in Later LifeYou can find Ali here:If you'd like access to exclusive features like personal posts, my upcoming guide Getting Started with Sex Toys, a chat room, direct messaging for your burning questions, and Substack Live sessions with expert guests, consider becoming a paid subscriber!Annual membership is just £49.99 (a better deal than £9.99/month) and supports the work behind creating weekly podcasts, managing social media, collaborating with health professionals, and producing valuable resources. This isn’t just a hobby—it’s my passion and profession.Your subscription helps empower older individuals to feel sexually confident and access tools for pain-free, pleasurable intimacy.What others are saying:"I just finished listening to your podcast! I felt like I was sitting around the dinner table with friends, finally able to talk about what no one else does."“First of all, let me tell you how awesome I think you are and how valuable I think your Substack is.”“Your work is one of my new found joys. Thank you.” Get full access to Sex Advice for Seniors at www.sexadviceforseniors.com/subscribe

I’m always intrigued by what inspires ‘sexperts’ to help others navigate the challenges within their sexual relationships. For many I’ve met, their journey into this field is often deeply personal, shaped by their own experiences and struggles.In this recent conversation, intimacy coach Anna Marti, whom I have met before, shared her path to becoming an intimacy coach. Her journey was profoundly influenced by her experiences with trauma in relationships, particularly with a long-term partner who had a traumatic sexual history. Their shared effort to rediscover sexual pleasure and connection ultimately motivated Anna to pursue a career as a counsellor and learn how to heal others who found it difficult to move on from their traumatic past.Our discussion delved into the cultural influences on sexuality, the critical role of communication in intimacy, and the importance of redefining pleasure beyond conventional ideas of sex. Anna highlighted the value of bridging body and spirit, dispelling misconceptions about intimacy, and embracing playfulness in relationships.Chapters00:00 Introduction to Intimacy Coaching03:01 Understanding Trauma and Relationships05:59 Exploring Sexuality and Cultural Influences08:56 The Role of Communication in Intimacy11:51 Redefining Sex and Pleasure15:06 Bridging Body and Spirit18:02 Misconceptions About Intimacy21:11 Finding Playfulness in Relationships23:54 Key Takeaways on Connection and HealingYou can find Anna here: https://annamarti.comThousands of people are finally talking about intimacy, desire and pleasure without shame. Join them - subscribe now and you’ll receive my freebie - Top 10 Overlooked Secrets to Better Sex.If you'd like access to exclusive features like personal posts, my upcoming guide Getting Started with Sex Toys, a chat room, direct messaging for your burning questions, and Substack Live sessions with expert guests, consider becoming a paid subscriber!Annual membership is just £49.99 (a better deal than £9.99/month) and supports the work behind creating weekly podcasts, managing social media, collaborating with health professionals, and producing valuable resources. This isn’t just a hobby—it’s my passion and profession.Your subscription helps empower older individuals to feel sexually confident and access tools for pain-free, pleasurable intimacy.What others are saying:"I just finished listening to your podcast! I felt like I was sitting around the dinner table with friends, finally able to talk about what no one else does."“First of all, let me tell you how awesome I think you are and how valuable I think your Substack is.”“Your work is one of my new found joys. Thank you.” Get full access to Sex Advice for Seniors at www.sexadviceforseniors.com/subscribe

It was great to welcome back Amara Charles to Sex Advice for Seniors, a relationship and sexual empowerment expert and best selling author of three books. I really love this woman - she has a wonderful calm energy about her and she positive lights up when she talks about her work.In this episode I was keen to delve into the practise of concept of Quodoushka, which represents the fusion of energies to create a greater whole. Amara is an expert on this ancient practise, having written a book about it, and believes there are nine male and female genital anatomy types--such as Coyote Man or Buffalo Woman. I know it all sounds very woo woo, but when Amara is talking about it, it actually makes perfect sense because I certainly have known men who liked to howl like a coyote during sex (I used to worry he would wake up the neighbours). Amara discusses the three essential pillars of ageless sexuality: embodied presence, resonant communication, and sexual alchemy. Through personal stories and insights, we explore how understanding one's genital anatomy can enhance sexual experiences, the importance of acceptance in pleasure, and the potential for growth and vibrancy in sexuality as one ages. Ultimately, I’m a great believer in that whatever system works in helping us become closer, more intimate, with our partner(s), the better. And Amara has certainly witnessed, as we discussed, the transformative power using Quodoushka can have on our clients.If you’d like to find out more about Amara visit her website:https://amaracharles.com/https://www.youtube.com/@amaracharles7203Here Mystic Rapture Couples Intimacy Retreat is being held in Costa Rica May 3-10, 2025. It sounds AMAZING. Chapters00:00 Introduction to Kodoshka and Amara Charles10:32 Understanding Genital Anatomy Types22:53 The Third Pillar: Sexual AlchemyThousands of people are finally talking about intimacy, desire and pleasure without shame. Join them - subscribe now and you’ll receive my freebie - Top 10 Overlooked Secrets to Better Sex.If you'd like access to exclusive features like personal posts, my upcoming guide Getting Started with Sex Toys, a chat room, direct messaging for your burning questions, and Substack Live sessions with expert guests, consider becoming a paid subscriber!Annual membership is just £49.99 (a better deal than £9.99/month) and supports the work behind creating weekly podcasts, managing social media, collaborating with health professionals, and producing valuable resources. This isn’t just a hobby—it’s my passion and profession.Your subscription helps empower older individuals to feel sexually confident and access tools for pain-free, pleasurable intimacy.What others are saying:"I just finished listening to your podcast! I felt like I was sitting around the dinner table with friends, finally able to talk about what no one else does."“First of all, let me tell you how awesome I think you are and how valuable I think your Substack is.”“Your work is one of my new found joys. Thank you.” Get full access to Sex Advice for Seniors at www.sexadviceforseniors.com/subscribe

One of the recurring topics in my conversations with older people is how to navigate a sexless relationship, especially when one person in the partnership wants more sex than the other. Having spent the last four years of my own marriage celibate, I am familiar with this dynamic. In my case, my sexual dissatisfaction was not defined by my ability to orgasm (which I had always taken control of) but more of an inability to communicate my desires and a lack of vernacular around sex and overall confidence to even know how to start the conversation.In my conversation with sexologist Renée Yvonne we discuss the challenges of navigating sexless relationships, the importance of communication about desires, and the need for understanding female pleasure. We explore how sexual satisfaction impacts overall well-being and the emotional toll of unmet sexual needs. Renée shares her experiences and insights as a certified sex counsellor, offering practical advice for couples to enhance intimacy and connection.There’s no age-specificity when it comes to learning how to talk about sex. Whether with a new partner or in a long-term relationship, we can all benefit from improving our communication skills in this area. 00:00 Navigating Sexless Relationships09:55 Communication and Desire20:01 Understanding Female Pleasure29:57 The Impact of Sexual Satisfaction on Well-beingYou can find Renée Yvonne here:[email protected] to previous episodes of her The Gen SeXy Podcast here.Thousands of people are finally talking about intimacy, desire and pleasure without shame. Join them - subscribe now and you’ll receive my freebie - Top 10 Overlooked Secrets to Better Sex.If you'd like access to exclusive features like personal posts, my upcoming guide Getting Started with Sex Toys, a chat room, direct messaging for your burning questions, and Substack Live sessions with expert guests, consider becoming a paid subscriber!Annual membership is just £49.99 (a better deal than £9.99/month) and supports the work behind creating weekly podcasts, managing social media, collaborating with health professionals, and producing valuable resources. This isn’t just a hobby—it’s my passion and profession.Your subscription helps empower older individuals to feel sexually confident and access tools for pain-free, pleasurable intimacy.What others are saying:"I just finished listening to your podcast! I felt like I was sitting around the dinner table with friends, finally able to talk about what no one else does."“First of all, let me tell you how awesome I think you are and how valuable I think your Substack is.”“Your work is one of my new found joys. Thank you.” Get full access to Sex Advice for Seniors at www.sexadviceforseniors.com/subscribe

Rose Rouse is the editor of the social enterprise Advantages of Age and Now magazine on Substack, which we founded together back in 2016 to challenge the media narrative around ageing. She also happens to be one of my good friends.We share many of the same views on ageing, believing that getting older doesn’t mean being "past it." We both enjoy wearing flowers in our hair from time to time, shopping sustainably, exploring out-of-the-way places, and generally being curious about life.However, when it comes to relationships, we’re quite literally miles apart. I prefer the men I’m involved with to be within a 30-minute to one-hour proximity, while Rose has been in a decade-long relationship with a man who lives about six hours away. I’m not very monogamous, whereas she is deeply monogamous.I thought it would be fun to explore what it’s like to have a "living together apart" (LTA) relationship and how Rose has managed to make it work for so long—especially when health issues arise, for example. We ended up diving deep into the topic, so much so that by the end she said to me, “And we didn’t even get to the sex part!”That’s true—we didn’t. So, I suspect we’ll have to revisit that in another episode. (I try to stick to 30 minutes to keep things engaging and prevent boredom from setting in.)You can follow and subscribe to Rose’s own Substack, thespirited70something.00:00 Introduction to Unique Relationships01:12 The Beginning of Rose and Asanga's Journey06:19 Maintaining Emotional Connection11:22 Balancing Independence and Commitment15:06 Celebrating a Decade Together19:38 Navigating Aging and Future Challenges24:04 Family Dynamics and Relationship Growth25:11 Mature Love and Personal Growth27:24 The Decision to Share a Bed30:54 Conclusion and Future PossibilitiesThousands of people are finally talking about intimacy, desire and pleasure without shame. Join them - subscribe now and you’ll receive my freebie - Top 10 Overlooked Secrets to Better Sex.If you'd like access to exclusive features like personal posts, my upcoming guide Getting Started with Sex Toys, a chat room, direct messaging for your burning questions, and Substack Live sessions with expert guests, consider becoming a paid subscriber!Annual membership is just £49.99 (a better deal than £9.99/month) and supports the work behind creating weekly podcasts, managing social media, collaborating with health professionals, and producing valuable resources. This isn’t just a hobby—it’s my passion and profession.Your subscription helps empower older individuals to feel sexually confident and access tools for pain-free, pleasurable intimacy.What others are saying:"I just finished listening to your podcast! I felt like I was sitting around the dinner table with friends, finally able to talk about what no one else does."“First of all, let me tell you how awesome I think you are and how valuable I think your Substack is.”“Your work is one of my new found joys. Thank you.” Get full access to Sex Advice for Seniors at www.sexadviceforseniors.com/subscribe

In this episode of 'Sex Advice for Seniors', me and somatic psychotherapist Erica Shershun, Author of Healing Sexual Trauma Workbook, discuss the pervasive issue of sexual trauma, particularly in light of recent high-profile cases such as Gisele Pelicot. We explore the impact of rape culture, the importance of recognising trauma symptoms, and effective healing techniques. Subscribe for honest, stigma-free sex advice for people who refuse to let age define their desires. Receive the weekly podcast direct to your inbox. ;)Erica shares insights from her work with trauma survivors, addressing common misconceptions about trauma and healing, and introduces her new guided journal aimed at helping individuals navigate their healing journey.Chapters00:00 Introduction to Sexual Trauma Awareness01:48 The Impact of Rape Culture13:17 Healing Techniques for Trauma Survivors22:52 Recognising Trauma Symptoms26:51 Misconceptions About Trauma and Healing28:56 New Resources for Healing Sexual TraumaErika’s new Healing Sexual Trauma Guided Journal is available now via Amazon."I just finished listening to your podcast! I felt like I was sitting around the dinner table with friends, finally able to talk about what no one else does."Want to go deeper? Join The Intimacy Insider Membership for exclusive advice, unfiltered stories, and expert reviews that will transform the way you experience intimacy.🚀 Introducing The Intimacy Insider Membership for only £9.99 or £49.99/year. What Members Get:🔹 Personalised Advice Sessions – Submit your questions for private, in-depth answers from experts and me in the chat room.🔹 The Ultimate Sex Toy Guide for Older Adults – In-depth reviews on what actually works for ageing bodies - COMING SOON!🔹 Unfiltered Erotic Stories & Real-Life Experiences – Not just fiction—raw, real stories from people like you.🔹 Behind-the-Scenes Book Excerpts – Exclusive sneak peeks before publication.🔹 Exclusive Access to Upcoming Workshops or Virtual Events – A live Q&A or discussion panel on topics like dating after loss, exploring new desires, and body confidence on Substack Live. Get full access to Sex Advice for Seniors at www.sexadviceforseniors.com/subscribe