Hot Mess to Higher Self with Diana Fjer

In this episode of the Nervous System series, I walk you through what fawn looks like in real life, what’s happening in your body, why your system picked pleasing as a survival strategy, and five quick practices for catching the automatic yes before it leaves your mouth.In this episodeThe fawn double bind: being the most generous person in the room, quietly keeping score, then feeling guilty for keeping scoreWhat fawn looks like in real life, from “sorry” as punctuation to shape-shifting to match the roomThe body tell: smiling while your chest is tight, nodding while your stomach dropsWhy your face, voice and tone become survival toolsWhy a kid’s body picks pleasing (connection is survival)What fawn isn’t: empathy, kindness, or generosityWhy you’re not too nice, weak, a doormat, or brokenHow to start unwiring it: the pause, checking your body before you answer, borrowable phrases, and revising a yesWhat changes when fawn loosens, including generosity that feels warm againFive quick practices: orienting, feet on the floor, the pause breath, hands that say stop, and a hand on your chestA listener self-check 💖 Ready to find relief in your body — not just your mind?Learn about the Relief Container, my 12-week nervous system coaching program.👉 The Relief Container 🕊️ The Relief Workshop happens once a week — 90 minutes, $33, nervous system education + a live somatic practice together. Sign-ups are open. 📬 Join the mailing list for exclusive content you won’t find anywhere else:Free guides, special offers, early access to new programs, and tools to support your healing journey.👉 [Join the mailing list!] 🌀 Follow me everywhere: @dianafjer.coach

Last week we talked about why your body plays dead. This week we’re talking about what happens when it gets stuck there, and how to wake it back up. Bring your body for this one, because we’re doing it together.In this episode:How functional freeze can turn into depression, and why “the chemistry follows the state of the body”Why that’s actually good news, and the two-part path out: wake the body first, then work with the stories built on top of the freezeThe high-functioning freeze trap: why “she’s so easygoing” and “I never have to worry about her” aren’t always complimentsHow the body eventually makes the decision for you, like getting sick the first day of vacation or crying in the Target parking lotFreeze vs. fawn: both are quiet, but only one of them is smilingA self-check for freeze, from the tired that sleep can’t touch to the text you’ve opened four times and still haven’t answeredA guided somatic practice to lift the brake: orienting, grounding, tiny movements, and the physiological sighWhy you can’t go straight from freeze to calm, and why you might feel worse before you feel betterShaking it out like a toddler, with options for the car or your deskThe one-tiny-thing rule: why washing one dish is how you thaw🎧 Missed Part 1? Start there for why your body plays dead in the first place.🎧 Next up: Fawn. It’s the one that says “no, it’s fine, I’ve got it!” while completely abandoning herself.This episode is part of the Nervous System series on Hot Mess To Higher Self. 💖 Ready to find relief in your body — not just your mind?Learn about the Relief Container, my 12-week nervous system coaching program.👉 The Relief Container 🕊️ The Relief Workshop happens once a week — 90 minutes, $33, nervous system education + a live somatic practice together. Sign-ups are open. 📬 Join the mailing list for exclusive content you won’t find anywhere else:Free guides, special offers, early access to new programs, and tools to support your healing journey.👉 [Join the mailing list!] 🌀 Follow me everywhere: @dianafjer.coach

I disappeared for a month, and I spent it frozen: doom scrolling, playing a mobile game about sorting wool (level 435, no big deal), and staring at a to-do list I couldn’t move on. So of course the next episode on the list was the freeze response. My life really does mirror this show.In this episode:What freeze actually looks like day to day: the thumb that scrolls on its own, the dishes you walk past ten times, and the mile-long to-do list on a loop while your body won’t budgeWhere the dread and shame actually live in your body, and why picking the phone back up feels easier than feeling themFlight vs. freeze: the same nervous energy, but in freeze it has nowhere to go but your headThe gas pedal and the emergency brake: why freeze is a war on the inside that just looks like someone sitting in a parked carAcute freeze vs. chronic functional freeze: blanking mid-argument and in meetings, and the slow kind that can quietly run your whole life while everyone calls you SuperwomanWhat’s happening in your body: shallow or held breath, cold hands and feet, time going weird, and the natural painkillers that make freeze feel like nothingWhy playing dead is actually genius: opossums, low power mode, and why freeze was the only move a lot of us had as kidsOutdated software: how to find the trigger, the wound, and what your body thinks it’s protecting you from (featuring my own fear of disappointing people)A simple orienting practice to show your body it’s safe to wake upWhat actually got me unstuck: removing the guilt, peach fridge liners, and a friend body doubling in an armchair 💖 Ready to find relief in your body — not just your mind?Learn about the Relief Container, my 12-week nervous system coaching program.👉 The Relief Container 🕊️ The Relief Workshop happens once a week — 90 minutes, $33, nervous system education + a live somatic practice together. Sign-ups are open. 📬 Join the mailing list for exclusive content you won’t find anywhere else:Free guides, special offers, early access to new programs, and tools to support your healing journey.👉 [Join the mailing list!] 🌀 Follow me everywhere: @dianafjer.coach

This one almost didn't happen — and that's kind of the point. This episode on the flight response turned into me living the flight response in real time: avoiding the recording for days, distracting myself with baby chicks, and then having a string of panic attacks mid-episode. I left it in. Nervous systems don't wait for good lighting.In this episode:What the flight response actually is, physiologically — same fuel as fight (adrenaline, cortisol, amygdala/hypothalamus), different directionWhy flight shows up as restless legs, a tight chest, and a burning-gut "get me out of here" feeling, instead of fight's heat and clenched jawThe split-second, non-conscious calculation your brain runs to decide fight vs. flight — and why it's never been about courageReal-life flight: social avoidance, procrastination, silent-treatment relational withdrawal — and how to spot the nervous energy hiding under all of itWhat happens when that mobilized energy has nowhere to go (spoiler: it doesn't just disappear — hello, panic attacks)What I actually did to move through it: nature, self-holding, reaching out for co-regulation, and — completely unplanned — coloringThe two wolves inside all of us, and which one you're feedingA heads up: this episode is unscripted and unfiltered in a way the last one wasn't. If you're looking for the tidy, produced version — that's not this one. This is the real-time, messy version, and it's the one I needed to make.🎧 Next episode: Freeze — the state that doesn't fight and doesn't run. It just stops.Hot Mess To Higher Self presents a series on the nervous system, spirituality, and what it actually means to heal — no belief system required, and no pretending to have it all figured out.  💖 Ready to find relief in your body — not just your mind?Learn about the Relief Container, my 12-week nervous system coaching program.👉 The Relief Container 🕊️ The Relief Workshop happens once a week — 90 minutes, $33, nervous system education + a live somatic practice together. Sign-ups are open. 📬 Join the mailing list for exclusive content you won’t find anywhere else:Free guides, special offers, early access to new programs, and tools to support your healing journey.👉 [Join the mailing list!] 🌀 Follow me everywhere: @dianafjer.coach

Ever snapped at your kid over dishes that still aren't done? Yelled at a stranger who cut you off on the highway with zero remorse? Given someone the silent treatment and felt very justified about it? Congrats — that's your fight response, and it thinks you're being cornered by a bear. This episode kicks off a brand new series all about the nervous system — the 4 States, the Window of Tolerance, the Polyvagal Ladder, and how they all connect. We're starting with Fight: what it actually looks like (loud AND quiet), what's happening in your brain and body when it takes over, why the shame spiral makes it worse, and a real practice you can use to actually discharge that energy instead of taking it out on the people you love. In this episode: The obvious fight response (yelling, road rage) — and the sneakier ones you probably didn't clock as "fight" (passive-aggression, micro-managing, the silent treatment, intellectualizing, and more) What's actually happening in your brain — your amygdala, your prefrontal cortex, and your "reptilian brain" taking the wheel Why this response isn't a character flaw — it's ancient, it's protective, and it's just responding to the wrong kind of threat A real, demonstrated practice for discharging built-up fight energy — in the moment, in the car, or anywhere you've got no space or privacy 💖 Ready to find relief in your body — not just your mind?Learn about the Relief Container, my 12-week nervous system coaching program.👉 The Relief Container 🕊️ The Relief Workshop happens once a week — 90 minutes, $33, nervous system education + a live somatic practice together. Sign-ups are open. 📬 Join the mailing list for exclusive content you won’t find anywhere else:Free guides, special offers, early access to new programs, and tools to support your healing journey.👉 [Join the mailing list!] 🌀 Follow me everywhere: @dianafjer.coach

In this episode: Why a coaching program for coaches triggered a full emotional unraveling Complex trauma, over-efforting, and the illusion of control Depression, suicidal ideation, and what the freeze state actually looks like day to day The terrifying experience of losing connection to spirituality Bad therapist horror stories (and how to find a good one) What it took to finally accept help — and what happened when she did The shift from relationship coaching to nervous system-first work Introducing the Relief Container: a 12-week nervous system coaching program The Relief Workshop: a 90-minute live Zoom experience — coming soon What's next: a podcast series on the nervous system Resources mentioned: Psychology Today therapist finder: psychologytoday.com TMS (Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation) for treatment-resistant depression If you or someone you know is struggling with suicidal thoughts, please reach out. You don't have to do this alone. Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: call or text 988 💖 Ready to find relief in your body — not just your mind?Learn about the Relief Container, my 12-week nervous system coaching program.👉 The Relief Container 🕊️ The Relief Workshop happens once a week — 90 minutes, $33, nervous system education + a live somatic practice together. Sign-ups are open. 📬 Join the mailing list for exclusive content you won’t find anywhere else:Free guides, special offers, early access to new programs, and tools to support your healing journey.👉 [Join the mailing list!] 🌀 Follow me everywhere: @dianafjer.coach

He’s not cruel. He shows up. He cares.So why do you still feel like you’re carrying the relationship alone?This episode is for the woman who keeps asking herself, “If I know he loves me, why do I feel so lonely?”Inside, I’m breaking down:✨ The disconnect between care and connection — and why your body knows the difference✨ How childhood imprints taught you to settle for breadcrumbs and feel guilty for still being hungry✨ Why loneliness inside a relationship is a nervous system signal (not a character flaw)✨ Two self-healing practices to name your needs and validate your experience in real time✨ Three journal prompts to uncover where you feel unmet and what connection really means for you✨ The powerful reframe: you are not asking for too much — you’re asking for the right thingThis isn’t about blaming your partner. It’s about reclaiming your clarity, your body’s wisdom, and your right to want more than surface-level care.Because care maintains, but connection nourishes. And your heart deserves to be nourished. 💖 Ready to find relief in your body — not just your mind?Learn about the Relief Container, my 12-week nervous system coaching program.👉 The Relief Container 🕊️ The Relief Workshop happens once a week — 90 minutes, $33, nervous system education + a live somatic practice together. Sign-ups are open. 📬 Join the mailing list for exclusive content you won’t find anywhere else:Free guides, special offers, early access to new programs, and tools to support your healing journey.👉 [Join the mailing list!] 🌀 Follow me everywhere: @dianafjer.coach

You’ve begged, explained, cried, shut down… and nothing sticks. If you’ve ever felt like you’re the only one doing the work in your relationship, this episode is for you.Inside, Diana unpacks why you’ve been giving away your power by waiting for him to heal, and how your nervous system is actually addicted to the cycle. She shares two powerful practices you can start today to break the loop, reclaim your energy, and rewrite the story of your relationship — even if he never changes.What you’ll learn in this episode:The hidden chemistry of toxic relationship cycles (and why they’re so addictive)Why outsourcing your safety to his behavior keeps you stuckWhat actually shifts when you begin to heal your nervous systemA somatic practice to interrupt the cycle in the momentAn energetic sovereignty ritual to reclaim your powerJournal prompts to uncover where you’ve been giving away controlHow to rewrite the ending of the pattern and reclaim your storyYour healing is enough to transform how you feel, respond, and connect. You don’t have to wait for him to rise — you are the shift. 💖 Ready to find relief in your body — not just your mind?Learn about the Relief Container, my 12-week nervous system coaching program.👉 The Relief Container 🕊️ The Relief Workshop happens once a week — 90 minutes, $33, nervous system education + a live somatic practice together. Sign-ups are open. 📬 Join the mailing list for exclusive content you won’t find anywhere else:Free guides, special offers, early access to new programs, and tools to support your healing journey.👉 [Join the mailing list!] 🌀 Follow me everywhere: @dianafjer.coach

You’ve read the books. Said the affirmations. Repeated the mantras.But the overthinking is still there. The self-doubt creeps back in. The same old spiral pulls you under again.In today’s episode of Hot Mess to Higher Self, we’re breaking down why mindset work alone will always hit a ceiling—and what it really takes to heal on a soul-deep level. We’re talking polyvagal theory (in simple terms), nervous system healing, energy work, and how to actually shift those patterns that feel stuck on repeat.Inside this episode:— Why your brain can’t out-think trauma— How your body holds the key to real safety and change— What talk therapy gets wrong (and how somatic work goes deeper)— The energetic roots of emotional patterns— Soul-level healing that sticksYou’ll also get two powerful practices—one somatic and one energetic—to anchor into safety, regulate your system, and clear out anything that isn’t yours.Grab a journal, get comfy, and let’s go deep.📝 JOURNALING PROMPTSThese are included in the episode, but here they are for easy reference:🌀 Where in my life do I keep knowing better, but still feel stuck in the same loop?🌿 What am I still trying to fix or control with my mind, that might actually need to be felt and healed in my body instead?🔥 What’s a story I keep telling myself about who I am, or what I deserve in relationships… and where do I think that story came from?💫 What would it look like to give my nervous system permission to stop bracing, and start trusting?🖤 If I could speak to the part of me that still feels scared, what would I say to her?💌 GO DEEPER WITH DIANAReady to take this work to the next level? Inside my 12-week 1:1 coaching container Healing Her, we blend somatic healing, energy work, and soul-led transformation to help you finally feel grounded, secure, and worthy in your body—and your relationships.✨ Learn more + book a free discovery call here: https://www.dianafjer.com/healing-her✨ Grab your free guide: https://www.dianafjer.com/clearing-energetic-imprints  💖 Ready to find relief in your body — not just your mind?Learn about the Relief Container, my 12-week nervous system coaching program.👉 The Relief Container 🕊️ The Relief Workshop happens once a week — 90 minutes, $33, nervous system education + a live somatic practice together. Sign-ups are open. 📬 Join the mailing list for exclusive content you won’t find anywhere else:Free guides, special offers, early access to new programs, and tools to support your healing journey.👉 [Join the mailing list!] 🌀 Follow me everywhere: @dianafjer.coach

This episode is for the woman who’s been shamed for feeling deeply.Together, we explore what being “too much” really means, where that story began, and how to shift it at the root. You’ll learn powerful somatic and energetic practices to release shame, regulate your emotions, and reclaim your sensitivity as a sacred gift — not a flaw.Journal Prompts from the episode:🖋 “What does ‘too much’ mean to me?”🖋 “Where did I learn that my needs were inconvenient?”🖋 “What part of me is asking to be validated right now?”Tag me on socials @dianafjer.coach if this episode moved you — I’d love to hear what resonated most. 💖 Ready to find relief in your body — not just your mind?Learn about the Relief Container, my 12-week nervous system coaching program.👉 The Relief Container 🕊️ The Relief Workshop happens once a week — 90 minutes, $33, nervous system education + a live somatic practice together. Sign-ups are open. 📬 Join the mailing list for exclusive content you won’t find anywhere else:Free guides, special offers, early access to new programs, and tools to support your healing journey.👉 [Join the mailing list!] 🌀 Follow me everywhere: @dianafjer.coach