People Pleasing Didn’t Save My Marriage

This week I decided to rerelease one of my first and favorite episodes. It's important to go back to laugh and reflect on my journey in order to see how far I have come and how far I have to go. In this episode I discuss my journey from fear to freedom. Sometimes we need a little push to get over our fears. For me, my first push came from becoming a mother. My second push involved me naked in public minus my wig! I’ve learned that change and growth can come out of necessity or sheer embarrassment. Connect with me on Instagram @Divorcednotdeadyet https://www.instagram.com/divorcednotdeadyet?igsh=NTc4MTIwNjQ2YQ%3D%3D&utm_source=qr

How many times have you answered "I'm fine" when someone asked how you were? You said you were fine, but you were far from it. Why do we do that? Why do be pretend? I spent the majority of my life being dishonest with others and being dishonest with myself. I realized that my goal going forward is to create a life for myself that when someone asks me how I am, I can actually say "fine" and mean it and if I'm not fine I can be honest and not pretend. I've learned that there will never be a time when everything in my life is "perfect", but practicing mindfulness and gratitude will help me stay focused on what I have and help me manage the things I can't control. Connect with me on Instagram @Divorcednotdeadyet https://www.instagram.com/divorcednotdeadyet?igsh=NTc4MTIwNjQ2YQ%3D%3D&utm_source=qr

Your peace is priceless. It took me years to learn that lesson. I spent years in a bad marriage, anxious, depressed and emotionally exhausted. It wasn't until I moved into my own space that I experienced peace for the first time in a long time. I realized that I was holding on to a 'piece of man', my ex. In exchange, I was giving up my peace and peace of mind. It wasn't worth it! Connect with me on Instagram @divorcednotdeadyet https://www.instagram.com/divorcednotdeadyet?igsh=NTc4MTIwNjQ2YQ%3D%3D&utm_source=qr

It's Valentine's Day! It's that time when you are faced with a holiday that is all about love. It can be very triggering if you're in an unhealthy relationship, or you're alone. Everywhere you turn, you are being bombarded by how someone should be making you feel special or loved on this day and if you're in an unhealthy relationship, going through a divorce or single, that's probably not going to be your experience. Becoming consumed with the day and what it's supposed to represent can put you in a space of questioning if you're worthy or lovable, which could lead to feeling angry, sad and depressed. This holiday is a tough one for us on our divorce journey. In this episode I share my last four Valentine's Day experiences. There's no pain and loneliness like having a partner you love and Valentine's Day comes, and you're ignored. I realized that it was harder to experience this holiday unhappily married than happily divorced. How I've gotten through it is by staying off social media, spending time with friends on that day, and showing myself some love. Remember that it's just one day and you will get through it. Connect with me on Instagram @divorcednotdeadyet https://www.instagram.com/divorcednotdeadyet?igsh=NTc4MTIwNjQ2YQ%3D%3D&utm_source=qr

My entire life I've been a people pleaser. At the time, I viewed it as being selfless. I spent my life neglecting my wants and needs in an effort to make others happy. Of course, I brought my people-pleasing ways into my marriage. I thought that being "selfless" would get me the love and approval I craved. I found myself shrinking who I was, never saying no or holding him accountable. Eventually, I realized that I had to love myself more than I loved my partner. That being a people pleaser eventually caused me to not only feel neglected and abandoned by my ex, but also by myself. I wanted to be loved more than I wanted to be myself. That was true and that was a problem. Another hard truth is that doing all of that did not maintain my marriage. Through therapy and self reflection, I'm working hard to get rid of my people-pleasing ways to create the life I want and deserve. Connect with me on Instagram @Divorcednotdeadyet https://www.instagram.com/divorcednotdeadyet?igsh=NTc4MTIwNjQ2YQ%3D%3D&utm_source=qr As mentioned in this weeks podcast “Worthy” by Jamie Kern Lima https://www.instagram.com/jamiekernlima?igsh=NTc4MTIwNjQ2YQ==

Sometimes we hold on to our past in ways we don't realize. I found myself holding on to two garbage bags of my ex-husband's things for two years! I'd convinced myself I was just procrastinating. I couldn't find the time to walk them 50 feet to the garbage can. I was lying to myself. Once I got real with myself, I realized that holding on to those bags was holding on to my past. How many of you are holding on to clothes, photos, jewelry? It's time to let it all go! We can't embrace our beautiful future until we let go of the pain and attachments of our past. Connect with me on Instagram @Divorcednotdeadyet https://www.instagram.com/divorcednotdeadyet?igsh=NTc4MTIwNjQ2YQ%3D%3D&utm_source=qr

This week we discuss the concept of 'Doing it Poorly'. I learned that almost 85% of people quit on their New Year's resolutions on the second Friday in January, also known as, "Quitters Day". I've been one of those people year after year and I finally realized why. I put such high expectations on myself. Setting goals that were completely out of character or routine for myself. As soon as I wavered from this new and improved made-up version of myself, I used it as a reason to quit. Doing it poorly means just giving what you have for the task, even if it's a fraction of your original expectation. Instead of reading a whole chapter, read one page. Instead of exercising for an hour, commit to ten minutes. I've realized once I get started 'Doing it Poorly', I find the energy to complete my initial goal. Let's commit to creating the lives we want and deserve this year, even if it's one tiny step at a time. Connect with me on Instagram @divorcednotdeadyet https://www.instagram.com/divorcednotdeadyet?igsh=NTc4MTIwNjQ2YQ%3D%3D&utm_source=qr

As women, we are innately powerful beings. We have the ability to give life and the ability to create the lives we deserve. In this week's episode I share the journey of some of the strongest women in my life, my grandmothers and my mother. The women that came before me didn’t have many options. Growing up in a time when women, especially women of color, lacked access to resources, education and independence. They lived in a time when leaving an unhealthy marriage was nearly impossible. They spent most of their lives enduring instead of living. Because of the women that came before me, I found the courage to choose to live instead of enduring. Through this episode, I hope you are able to find your inner power to do the same. Connect with me on Instagram @Divorcednotdeadyet https://www.instagram.com/divorcednotdeadyet?igsh=NTc4MTIwNjQ2YQ%3D%3D&utm_source=qr

On this week's episode we discuss how the new year helps us reflect and push us to create a new life or version of ourselves. When it comes to divorce, January is referred to as ‘Divorce Month.’ The thought of a new year being a new start is a motivating factor for a lot of people to not continue another year in their unhappy marriages. Deciding to end a life to begin a new and more authentic life takes courage. Let the new year be a motivating factor for you to take the steps to create the life you deserve. Connect with me @Divorcednotdeadyet on Instagram https://www.instagram.com/divorcednotdeadyet/profilecard/?igsh=NTc4MTIwNjQ2YQ==

In this week’s episode I share some of the dilemmas you have to face when you experience Christmas as a divorcee. I cover everything from splitting time with kids, whether to buy your ex a gift to creating an elf on the shelf and a Santa story that makes sense to your kids now living in two homes. Christmas is a big holiday that’s filled with holiday cheer and holiday stress. Dealing with the changes and pain of divorce brings even more stress and emotions. All we can do is give ourselves grace, allow ourselves to feel all the emotions, and cherish the time we get to spend with the people we love. Connect with me on Instagram @divorcednotdeadyet https://www.instagram.com/divorcednotdeadyet/profilecard/?igsh=NTc4MTIwNjQ2YQ==