Confessions of a Parent Coach

What do a baby's unanswered smile, a ChapStick that won't open and your husband's "it's fine, I'm over it" have in common? Object relations theory, the Enneagram's hidden layer, and the reason the same tiny frustrations feel so huge. In Part 1 of a new series, Ann breaks down the three ways every one of us learned to cope with the world before we could even talk: frustration, rejection and attachment.   In this episode Why Ann scrapped a perfectly good recording (hello, Type 1 perfectionism) What object relations theory actually is, minus the jargon The three affects: frustration, rejection and attachment, explained three different ways Sponge, octopus or clam? The tide pool picture that makes it click Which Enneagram types are frustration (1, 4, 7), rejection (8, 2, 5) and attachment (9, 3, 6), and how the body, heart and head centers change each one Why every parent "traumatizes" their child, and why that's not the problem you think it is Questions answered   Did I make my kid their Enneagram type? No. Your child was born at their point on the Enneagram. Every child experiences small misses from their parents, and their type decides what lesson they take from those misses, not the other way around.   What is object relations theory in simple terms? It's the idea that our earliest relationships, with our caregivers and our environment, form an internal map we use for every relationship after that. We keep replaying that first relationship with everything we touch, from our partner to a stubborn ChapStick.   What are frustration, rejection and attachment types? They're three ways of coping with a need that didn't get met. Frustration types try to fix the world to match an ideal. Rejection types cut off the need ("I didn't need that anyway"). Attachment types adapt themselves to stay connected.   Why does this matter for parents? Because once you see the old wound under the "weird" behavior, in your kid, your partner or yourself, it gets much easier to respond with compassion instead of feeling hurt or offended.   Want to talk it through with Ann?   Book a free consult call Visit Ann's website See the Fall Retreat Join The Collective About Ann: Ann Kaplan is a parent coach, Enneagram teacher and mother of four in Denver, Colorado. She helps moms stop fighting their kids and start changing the house from the inside out.

Your kid is melting down, telling you to go F yourself, and you have no idea how to stay calm in that moment, even though you know the theory. This episode is the boots-on-the-ground follow-up to "There Is No Step Two," and it came straight from a retreat mom who got home, felt so smart, and was being cussed out by her son within the hour.   In this episode What a retreat mom texted me the day after the last episode, and why it became this episode Why acceptance doesn't mean it's okay, and why that misunderstanding keeps you fighting What "acceptance is not qualitative" means (it's not just raining, it's "it sucks that it's raining") 20 minutes of my 12-year-old raging at me, and what was actually going on inside me Why walking away is a completely legitimate way to get your heart at peace What to do when you fail at this (you will; I do, constantly) Questions answered   How do I stay calm when my child is having a meltdown? You don't start with a technique. You start by asking yourself, "Do I have a heart at peace toward this kid right now?" If the answer is no, your only job is to go get it, even if that means leaving the room.   What should I do when my child swears at me? Before any consequence, notice whether you're at peace with the fact that it's happening. The right response, whether that's a consequence, a boundary or just sitting there, flows naturally once you are.   Doesn't accepting bad behaviour mean I'm excusing it? No. Acceptance doesn't mean you approve, it doesn't mean it's what you wanted, and it doesn't mean you do nothing. It means you're not in resistance or denial about what is happening right in front of you.   What if I can't find peace in the moment? Then be at peace with the fact that you're not at peace. Punch a pillow, cry, journal, go on a walk. Being at peace can look a lot messier than a lotus position on a cushion.   Ready to stop doing this alone? My group coaching program is where moms get real-time help with exactly these moments, every week: https://annkaplanparentcoach.com/groupparentcoaching   About Ann: Ann Kaplan is a parent coach, mother of four and the host of Confessions of a Parent Coach. She's an IPEC-certified, ICF PCC coach based in Denver, Colorado, who helps parents change the house by changing what happens inside them first.

The parenting pyramid from The Anatomy of Peace has one layer that holds up everything else, and if you've ever yelled at a kid who's still in pajamas five minutes before school, you're probably skipping it. A few weeks ago I was sitting with a room full of moms when one of them asked, "Okay, once I'm calm… what's step two?" What came out of my mouth surprised all of us, including me: there is no step two.   In this episode: The influence pyramid from The Anatomy of Peace, and why the bottom layer matters more than any discipline tool at the top How a heart at war turns your kid into an obstacle (hello, getting out the door on time) What changes when you protect your peace at all costs, even if it means being late Why chasing calm "so my kid will listen" guarantees you'll never get there The Buddhist mountain story that lets everyone lighten up My confession: I taught a whole bunch of step twos right after saying there isn't one   Questions answered:   What is the pyramid of influence in The Anatomy of Peace? It's a diagram from the Arbinger Institute that stacks the ways we try to influence people. Correcting and fixing sit at the tiny top; teaching, listening and relationships sit below; and your own way of being, a heart at peace, is the base. If the base is missing, everything above it stops working.   How do I stay calm when my kid won't get ready for school? Decide what you refuse to sacrifice. If it's "out the door on time at all costs," you'll sacrifice connection and calm to get there. If it's your heart at peace, some tools open up (calmly carrying them to the car, letting them go in pajamas) and some you skip because you can't do them peacefully today.   Why do parenting scripts stop working when I'm upset? Scripts are top-of-the-pyramid tools. When you use them from a heart at war, your kid feels the war, not the words. The script was never the problem; the foundation was.   What does "there is no step two" mean in parenting? Acceptance means being okay with how things are right now, without an agenda. If you're getting calm so your kid will finally listen, that's an agenda. When you're genuinely at peace, the listening, teaching and boundary-holding tend to happen on their own.   How can a busy parent practice acceptance? Keep it small. Five minutes of silence, a meditation app, a five-senses exercise or a run. Even five seconds a day in the here and now, without trying to change it, adds up over a year.   Ready to practice step one with other parents? My group coaching program is an ongoing membership where we work on this together, week after week: https://annkaplanparentcoach.com/groupparentcoaching Not sure yet? Book a free call: bit.ly/kaplancall   About Ann: Ann Kaplan is a parent coach and mother of four in Denver, Colorado, drawing on Love & Logic and Internal Family Systems. She has run her group coaching program since 2021, and she's a sometimes potty talker.

Getting a note home from school can make you feel like you're the one being called into the principal's office. In this episode, Ann talks about the emotional spiral that can happen when your kid gets a refocus sheet, a behavior note, or a call home — and why the first step is separating your child's classroom behavior from your identity as a parent. She also breaks down a key shift: classroom management is primarily the responsibility of the person running the classroom. That doesn't mean blaming the teacher. It means collaborating without taking on a problem you can't fully solve from home. What You'll Learn Why school behavior issues can trigger shame, defensiveness, and panic What to ask teachers before adding consequences at home When home reinforcement can actually help Why behavior conversations shouldn't happen in front of your child How to work with the school without making your child feel like "the bad kid" Key Takeaway Before asking, "What should I do at home?" ask: "How are you handling this in the classroom?" That one question can completely change the conversation. Want Support With This? If you're tired of knowing what you should do but still getting pulled into the same shame, frustration, or reactivity, Ann's group coaching program is where you can work through the deeper stuff in real time — alongside other parents who get it. You'll get coaching, practical support, and a community that helps you respond more calmly and confidently when parenting gets messy.

What if the wisest thing you could bring into parenting was the willingness to admit, I don't know? In this episode of Confessions of a Parent Coach, Ann shares a personal season of questioning herself as a coach and what it revealed about self-awareness, judgment, and growth. Inspired by the idea, "I know that I know nothing," she explores what changes when we stop assuming we already understand our kids' behavior, struggles, or needs. Sometimes the most powerful response isn't advice. It's curiosity. Instead of rushing in with answers, what if we slowed down enough to ask: What's really going on here? What am I not seeing yet? What does my child need from me right now? Ann also shares how self-judgment nearly caused her to pull away from her coaching work, and why awareness itself isn't the problem — it's what we make that awareness mean. In this episode: Why self-awareness can sometimes feel so uncomfortable The difference between awareness and self-judgment How curiosity can change the way we respond to our kids Why "knowing less" can create more connection What Ann is changing inside her parenting coaching group The question to sit with this week: Where might you be judging what you're becoming aware of instead of simply allowing yourself to see it?

You know the pattern. You can see yourself doing it. You may even know exactly why you're doing it. So why can't you just stop? In this episode of Confessions of a Parent Coach, Ann Kaplan explores the uncomfortable space between self-awareness and actual behavior change. Sometimes growth doesn't look like improvement yet. Sometimes it looks like noticing yourself yelling, people-pleasing, over-functioning, controlling, or repeating an old relationship dynamic… and feeling completely frustrated that you're still doing it. But that awareness matters. Ann breaks down how observation creates the distance we need for future choice, how this connects to Internal Family Systems and the Enneagram, and why the "goo" stage of transformation can feel so discouraging even when something important is happening underneath. If you've been thinking, I know better, so why am I not doing better? — this episode is for you. In this episode: Why awareness comes before agency How behavioral patterns actually begin to change The difference between noticing a pattern and being able to stop it IFS, self-observation, and creating distance from your parts The Enneagram and waking up to automatic patterns Why being witnessed can help you recognize your own growth Join Ann's Group Parent Coaching Program If you're noticing your patterns but struggling to create lasting change on your own, group coaching gives you support, perspective, accountability, and a place to be witnessed through the process. Learn more here: https://www.annkaplanparentcoach.com/groupparentcoaching

In this episode, I'm joined by three women from my parenting coaching group for a very real conversation about what brought them to coaching—and what actually changed once they got there. We talk about tantrums, yelling, discipline, permissiveness, control, chaotic mornings, teeth brushing (so much teeth brushing), and the uncomfortable realization that sometimes the work we want to do on our kids is actually work we need to do within ourselves. Not because everything is our fault. And not because our kids' behavior doesn't matter. But because when we understand our own patterns, triggers, fears, and need for control, we have a whole lot more choice about what happens next. In This Episode: Why parents often come to coaching wanting to "fix" a behavior—and discover something much deeper What happens when the parenting tools that worked with one child don't work with another The difference between permissive, authoritarian, and authoritative parenting Why boundaries and emotional attunement belong together How our own reactions can unintentionally escalate our kids Why stepping in to fix everything for our kids isn't always helping them What group coaching actually looks and feels like from the people inside it The goal isn't to become a perfectly calm parent who never gets triggered. It's to notice more, understand more, and have more choice in how you respond. And over time, that changes your relationship with your kids—and the energy in your home. Ready for Support? If you're working your butt off to be a good parent but keep finding yourself in the same patterns, you don't have to figure it out alone. Learn more about Group Parent Coaching: https://www.annkaplanparentcoach.com/groupparentcoaching

Sometimes the thing making parenting feel so hard isn't actually your kid's behavior. It's what their behavior brings up in you. In this episode, I'm sharing a powerful moment from my group coaching program when one mom realized how much energy she was spending trying to manage, prevent, or avoid other people's emotions—including her kids'. Her question stopped me in my tracks: "How did I live my life this way for so long and not realize it?" We talk about how our personality patterns quietly shape the way we parent, why our kids' negative emotions can feel so uncomfortable, and how small parenting changes can create enough breathing room to finally see what's happening underneath. In this episode: Why your kid being upset doesn't mean you're doing something wrong The hidden exhaustion of managing everyone else's emotions How Enneagram patterns show up in parenting Why awareness comes before change How practical parenting tools can open the door to deeper personal growth Sometimes the parenting problem is the doorway—not the destination. Curious about group coaching? Reach out to learn more about the newly updated program and how we can work together.

Ever feel like you're stuck between two options—and somehow both of them feel terrible? Maybe one part of you wants to leave, speak up, set the boundary, lose your temper, or finally do something different. And another part is just as determined to keep the peace, stay safe, be responsible, and not blow up your life. That internal tug-of-war can look like indecision from the outside. But on the inside? It feels like tension. Constant, exhausting tension. In this episode, Ann explores what Internal Family Systems calls a polarity: two parts of us pulling in opposite directions, often while trying to protect the exact same thing. Using her own relationship with anger—and a powerful example from a mom in her coaching group—Ann explains why we can stay stuck for years without actually feeling settled, and what changes when we stop forcing one side to win. In this episode: Why feeling "stuck" is often an internal tug-of-war How opposing parts can actually be working toward the same goal Why forcing yourself to choose doesn't always create clarity What "Self energy" looks like in real life How curiosity, compassion, and awareness can reduce the tension Why the goal isn't to silence parts of yourself—it's to stop letting them run the whole show Sometimes clarity doesn't come from finally picking a side. Sometimes it comes when you put down the rope. Want support getting out of your own sphere of tension? Ann's Group Parent Coaching Program gives you ongoing support to work through the parenting challenges in front of you—and the deeper patterns underneath them. Learn more here: https://www.annkaplanparentcoach.com/groupparentcoaching

Some kids are just… extra. The bedtime boundary becomes a full-body collapse onto the furniture. A disappointing answer becomes a personal tragedy. You calmly say, "No," and suddenly you're apparently responsible for ruining their entire life. And if you're the more peace-loving, level-headed parent in the relationship? It can be incredibly tempting to do whatever you can to avoid setting off the next explosion. But here's the question we don't always want to ask: Is the extreme reaction working for them? In this episode, Ann talks about why some kids react SO intensely when things don't go their way — and the four different things that may be happening underneath that reaction. Some of it may simply be personality. Some of it is being a kid without the perspective or emotional skills of an adult. And some of it may have a lot to do with the dance happening between you and your child. This isn't about blaming parents for their kids' behavior. It's about identifying the part of the pattern you actually have power to change. Because you may not be able to make your fiery kid less fiery. But you can make sure that going from 0 to 100 isn't the most effective tool in their toolbox. In This Episode, Ann Talks About: Why certain kids seem to have an extreme reaction to practically everything The difference between personality, emotional immaturity, and learned behavior Why trying to give kids "perspective" usually doesn't work How highly reactive kids can learn that big reactions get results Why parents start walking on eggshells around an easily upset child How our fear of our child's reaction can quietly change the boundaries we set Why staying calm doesn't mean minimizing or invalidating your child's feelings How changing your part of the dynamic gives you important information about what's really going on The role of emotional regulation, boundaries, consequences, and self-respect How to validate emotion without making extreme behavior effective The Big Takeaway You cannot completely control your child's personality. You cannot hand them ten years of maturity overnight. But you can look at the pattern between the two of you and ask: Is this behavior getting my child something? And if the answer is yes, that's actually good news. Because it means there is somewhere you have influence. When you become less afraid of your child's disappointment, hold the boundary without adding your own drama, and teach them what they can do with those enormous feelings instead, the entire dynamic begins to change. Your child is still allowed to be upset. They just learn that being upset doesn't change the answer. Want Support With This? Ann's group coaching program gives parents a place to bring the real-life situations happening in their families — especially the ones where you know what you're supposed to do, but staying grounded in the actual moment is a whole different story. You can drop in when you need support, get coached through what's happening, and learn alongside other parents navigating their own versions of the same messy, deeply human stuff. If you're curious about the group or working with Ann privately, reach out and start the conversation. https://www.annkaplanparentcoach.com/groupparentcoaching