Episode 223: How to Set a Boundary

Today I'm going to be talking about something that I have been doing recently, which I've been really taking risks. It's been real. It's been an adventure. And I've said to myself, I remember earlier this year, I was in a foreign country. I was driving in a foreign country, on the opposite side of the road. And I went in my car. It was late at night and I'd been traveling for a while and I just said to myself, You are so brave. You are so brave.  And I think one of the things that I've learned in taking risks is really to encourage, be your own cheerleader while you're doing it.  Because taking risks is scary. It gets us out of our comfort zone, and of course there's that, saying life begins at the end of our comfort zone, but it really is true. And I don't think you are ever too old to take risks. I did a podcast, oh gosh, I guess it was over a year ago, with my mom where, she shared with you all that she finished writing her 10th cookbook on her 80th birthday.  And it's funny because now she's 85 years old and she said, I have this great idea for a cookbook. I'm going to do this. And I'm just like, man, you go, mom, you just go.  So today is where I'm going to be encouraging you to take risks, not only in your acting, but also in your life.  And to encourage you and to help me along in the format of this podcast, I'm going to be reading from the fabulous Melody Beattie. The Language of Letting Go And the subject, like I said, for today is taking risks.  “Take risks. Take a chance. We do not have to indulge in obviously foolhardy or self defeating risks, but we can allow ourselves to take positive risks in our life. We cannot afford to keep ourselves paralyzed.” I really started to Up my game in terms of taking risks. About three years ago was right after I turned 50 and I don't know what it is about turning 50, but it's when you really realize, wow, I have less of my life in front of me, potentially, than I do in back of me. And I decided I wanted to have the best freaking second half of my life that I possibly could. And I was no longer going to let fear or judgment or other people's opinions, no matter how close they are to me, stagnate my life.  I want to live. And the thing is that if you want to live, you've got to take risks. Or else, you'll be paralyzed.  “We do not have to keep ourselves stymied and trapped out of fear of making a mistake or falling.” And here's the thing. One of the things about asking. Somebody says it says I don't know. Do you think they'll do it? And I go let's just ask. Because no is survivable. Hearing no is survivable.  “Naturally, we will make mistakes and fail from time to time.” Again, that is survivable.  “That's part of being fully alive. There are no guarantees. If we are waiting for guaranteed courses of action, we may spend much of our life waiting.” I don't want to be at the effect of my life anymore. I don't want to wait for life to happen to me. I want to happen to life. I want to be at the cause of my life. “We do not have to shame ourselves or accept shame from anyone. Anyone else, even those who are close to us for making mistakes, the goal of life is not to live it perfectly. The goal of life is to live, learn our lessons, and make our own decisions. And make  overall progress.”  There's a wonderful phrase that I love called progress not perfection. Progress not perfection. Remaining teachable, which I think is also just a wonderful phrase like progress, not perfection. Take a risk. Do not always wait for a guarantee.  There again one of the things I've been thinking about recently is leap and the net will appear.  Leap and the net will appear.  Dust yourself off after a mistake and then move on to the success. Dust yourself off and move on to the success.  One of the things my mom used to always say to me when I was a little girl and I would be disappointed because, I don't know, I didn't get a role in the play or something would happen, she would say to me, you dust yourself off, you pick yourself up, you dust yourself off, and you start all over again.

PITCH PERFECT MASTERCLASS Today, I'm going to talk about something that I've been feeling recently—vulnerability. Yeah. Vulnerability. Just feeling a little tender.  Now, the thing I always think about with vulnerability is vulnerability and emotional availability is two of the greatest assets that actors can have.  All I have to say about that is that can also be like your cross to bear, as it were when dealing with the industry.  Because as an actor, as an artist, we wear our hearts on our sleeves.  But how I like to approach the business is the business. When I go in there, I do my work, my good work. What I want to do is focus on that and not focus on the business.  So that's what Acting Business Boot Camp is all about. It's about getting you to focus on the right things at the right time.  But today, we're going to talk a little bit more about vulnerability. I'm going to use my dear friend Melody Beattie. The Language of Letting Go  She says, “I've learned that the more vulnerable I allow myself to be, the more in control of myself I really am.” Now, I don't really like to think about it as in control. In a lot of my work and in my more chiropractor for the mind work, and think about that, chiropractor for the mind, really adjusting yourself so that you understand how you tick. I talk about emotional self-sufficiency, and it's not that I want to control myself. It's that I want to know that I can manage and handle myself emotionally no matter what situation comes up, including losing my voice and feeling sick and feeling unwell.  Tender.  Melody goes on to say, “Many of us feel that we can only show our strong, confident side. We believe the face we have to show to the world should always be one of politeness, perfection, calm, strength, and control.” But let's take a moment and let's take a step back and think about how incredibly unrealistic that is.  I received some disappointing news the other day. And I just said to myself, Okay, it's disappointing. It's all right for you to feel sad. It's all right for you not to feel a hundred percent on, especially when I am someone who is on so much. It's okay for me to show a little weakness. It's okay for me to be vulnerable.  And it's okay, or I should say, it's more than okay, for me to take care of myself when I'm feeling that tenderness.  One of my favorite phrases is go as slowly as you need to in order to take care of yourself. And when you're feeling vulnerable, or you're feeling tender.  Go as slowly as you need to in order to take care of that vulnerability and that tenderness in that day.  This too shall pass. You won't always feel so vulnerable. You won't always feel so tender. My voice will not always sound like this. In fact, in a few podcasts, I hope it'll sound better. She goes on to say, “While it is certainly good and often appropriate to be in calm controlling and strong moods, there is also another side of all of us, that part of us that feels needy, that becomes frightened, that has doubts and gets angry.” Because, hello, guess what? You're human. That part of us needs care. That part of us needs love. That part of us needs reassurance that things will be okay.  And again reminding ourselves, go as slowly as you need to in order to take care of yourself.  Expressing these needs makes us vulnerable, yes, and less than perfect, yes. But this side needs acceptance too.  There's a wonderful phrase that says, don't go to the hardware store for lemons. When I am feeling vulnerable, needy, or frightened, there may be people who are more appropriate for me to go to than not. And the number one thing I want to do for self-care—make your ears grow bigger as I say this—is not to go to that person who is the hardware store for lemons. Because they are not going to be able to give me that comfort, that love, that reassurance that I crave right now.  It may be better for me to leave it out. When in doubt with people like this, just leave it out. Get off the phone, get off the text message, nurture yourself, and reach out to someone else who will be a little more caring. Allowing ourselves to be vulnerable will help us build lasting relationships. Sharing our vulnerabilities helps us feel close to people and helps others to feel close to us. It helps us grow in self-love and self-acceptance. It helps us become healing agents. And it allows us to become whole and accessible to others.  Just today I finished one of my weekly adjustment classes. And a few people were just vulnerable enough to share. What the response was from everyone else was, Thank you for sharing. You made me feel like I was not alone.  The Weekly Adjustment Group  

NEW FREE MASTERCLASS I'm going to be talking about something that a listener sent me, and I thought it was a really interesting idea for a podcast, which is about nepotism. I do think it is yet another one of those areas of the industry where we can get our heads in the clouds and not on our bodies, and really allows us to make excuses for not showing up and taking responsibility. As a NEPO baby, I am not one. I do not come from anyone in the industry. You have an advantage in that you have those connections. However, you also have to have the talent, consistency, and persistence to back that up. The other thing is that, oh, you're so and so's daughter or you're so and so's child. Oh. Then you must be fantastic, and then you have to live up to that, or you can never be your own person. Now, I have a friend of mine who is the child of an incredibly famous actor, but that child chooses to use a different name because they don't want to be known as so and so's child. Now, that is very admirable.  I may go about it differently. I would say use every advantage you have.  But this is the thing, and this is the real key point because most of you listening to this podcast are not; do not have nepotism in your family. What do you do?  And this is the best advice I can give you. You need to keep your focus.  So often, I have actors who look at point A and point B, and instead of just drawing a line between point A to point B, they go up, they go down, they go around, they twirl around. They walk outside, they come back inside, and then maybe eventually get to point B.  The question, the thing is that things like nepotism and a lot of things that I feel in the industry, try to get your focus from the three points where you need to be putting your focus, which is your acting training, your business skills and the core work, the work on you are the things that distract you from taking real responsibility for the job that you have been given to do on this Earth, because I believe the universe has given you given all of us a gift. The question is, are we going to nurture that gift and are we going to stay focused on pursuing that gift? Or are we going to allow our focus to go off into things that we cannot control again?  My favorite prayer or affirmation is the serenity prayer that reminds us of this. Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. I cannot change other people, places, times, things, or situations, and whether my competition has nepotism or not, courage to change the things I can. I can only change myself, my attitudes, my thoughts, and my actions, and keep the focus on myself, my strengths, my career, and wisdom…  Wisdom, my favorite word in the American language, to know the difference, which is the difference between what I cannot control or change, which is other people, places, things, or situations, or change. Nepotism and other actors I may be competing against and what I can change, which is myself, my attitudes, my thoughts, and my actions.  So, that's my response to the first part of that listener's question. I'm going to read the second part to you because I think this is very interesting. Getting past the “what chance do I have?” misconception, ever having the opportunity to compete with a nepotism child.  Again, what I would say about that is your job when you go into an audition is to focus on the work.  It is not to focus on who your competition is. I joke about how I used to go into an audition room, and I'd sit in the audition room and basically pick the actor who I thought was going to get the job. That is so working against ourselves instead of for ourselves.  What I think is so crucial here is that when you go into audition, that your focus is again on that courage to change the things you can, which is really, truly freeing.  Focusing in on your work as the actor and living the life of that character in that space and time, whether that be in a self tape or be in the room. The listener goes on to say, my own personal Cher story. I consider myself a Nepo baby to an extent. I was raised in a theatrical household with family members who made their living in the arts and entertainment. When I was a child, they would say things to me that made it almost impossible to understand. And trust me, we were nowhere near the Barrymore status. If anything, that caused far more damage. And then validation. It is something I have struggled with on and off. I could elaborate so much more, but I think you get the idea.  So grandiosity, let's just talk about that word.  I have also experienced grandiosity in my life, whether observing it in other people or, sadly, myself carrying it out. Oh, what dress are you wearing? Oh, it's a Valentino. When, actually, maybe it was bought at Target. Oh, we're a grand theater family. It's just a small theater town in Connecticut or somewhere, but we are the family known as the theatrical family. Where has grandiosity played a part in your life? Do you have family members who exaggerate? Do you have friends who tend to exaggerate? A partner who tends to exaggerate?  The question is, what is wrong with the truth? What is wrong with the truth?  We don't always have to sell ourselves. We can just be.  And especially as actors, I find that grandiosity is about us trying to prove to an agent, a manager, a casting director, a writer, a producer, or a director that we are “so much better than we actually are.” But here's the thing. How you actually are is enough.  I am enough. I always have been, and I always will be. And that is what I also want you to notice. Use your mind to govern your brain to notice. Am I trying to be more when just being me may be enough?  I will also give you one final lesson on this, which is about from the casting director's point of view.  You don't have to prove to me that you are good.  You just need to do your job and know that you are good at doing that job.  And that will make me want to bring you in for auditions, and that will make me want to hire you.

Work with me privately About Angela Mickey: Angela Mickey is the Managing Director of Casting at Liz Lewis Casting Partners, and has been working as a Casting Director for 24 years.  Angela works across the board on commercial, voice-over, film, TV, and theater projects, with a concentration on comedy, real people, and theatrical casting.  She enjoys working with both veteran and up-and-coming creatives, developing the best, unique plan for each project, and working as a partner to the producing process.  Recent on-camera commercial projects: Spectrum, UberEats, DCU, Blue Cross, Blue Shield, Tillamook, Door Dash, Woodbridge, NJ Lottery, Marriott.  Recent real people projects: New York Presbyterian, Aleve, NorthAmerican Bancard, Redemption Whiskey, Chevy, Wells Fargo, JC Penney, as well as a variety of editorial projects for Condé Nast. Recent animation/podcast vo projects: Dee and Friends in Oz (Netflix), SuperKitties (Disney Jr), Get Rolling with Otis (Apple TV +), The Snow Globe (in conjunction with Chik-Fil-A), This Job is History (Wondery), Killer Questions with Daryn Carp (ID).  Recent film projects include "Martyr of Gowanus", Lifetime's "12 Days of Christmas Eve", "The Legend of Lake Ronkonkoma: The Lady of the Lake", Filipino movie musical "The Girl Who Left Home", and Hallmark's "Where Are You Christmas" and "Mystic Christmas."  Angela's got a treasure trove of tips, secrets, and stories that are pure gold for anyone in the acting game, whether you're just starting out or you've been around the block a few times. Here's the lowdown on what we covered: What You Need to Know: Reading Instructions is Key: Angela talks about how something as simple as sending the wrong file type can throw a wrench in your audition. She's all about paying attention to the details. Make sure you know what they're asking for and nail it. Ace Your Online Auditions: With auditions going digital, Angela shares the scoop on making sure your setup is on point. Good internet, good lighting, and a space where you can do your thing without distractions are your best friends here. Bring Your Flavor to the Role: Angela's not looking for robots. She wants to see what you bring to the character. It's all about showing up with your take on the role and being ready to collaborate to make something awesome. Self-Care for the Win: One of the big themes Angela hits on is looking after yourself. Acting's a marathon, not a sprint, and giving yourself permission to take breaks and live life outside the acting bubble is crucial. Top Quotes from the episode: "Making me work harder to fix your audition tape? Yeah, that's gonna make me think twice about calling you back." "Don't just show up expecting to be directed. Bring your own magic to the role. That's what gets noticed." "Worried about your online audition setup? Just do your best to keep things simple and stress-free. It's about what you do, not where you do it." "The industry isn't going anywhere. Taking a break for a bit of self-care or to just breathe is totally fine. You do you."

  So, this week, I've received numerous emails from actors who have told me that they feel stuck.  That's why I was like, if they're feeling it, maybe I should do a podcast about feeling stuck.  So we're going to get to that.  Private coaching Being stuck. I think being stuck has a lot to do, at least for me, about timing.  Generally, it always comes down to timing—not my timing; it's the Universe's timing. And then that sometimes just doesn't work. If I'm not in the greatest place, that frustrates me even more because I'm like, “Why not now?” “Why not now? What the fuck is going on?”  And then I think I'll go great guns and put a ton of stuff out there, and then it'll be like this. Yeah, you get it. It's silence, right?  Or things just aren't moving as fast as I would like. And ultimately, being stuck has to do with timing. It's just where you are right now. And if you are in the entertainment industry—which, chances are, if you're listening to this podcast—you know that we are going through one heck of a correction right now.  But this is the truth, and I don't think anyone is really talking about it. But the truth is, the Universal Truth is this, too, shall pass.  This, too, shall pass.  The trick, and I really believe the difference between working actors and non-working actors, is what you will do with this time when things may not be as fast as you would like.  Things are happening, but they are not happening at the rate that we were expecting. The other thing that I will say is I really want to fully recognize and validate this feeling because I've certainly been having it.  We had COVID. The world stopped. My career stopped. Then we got all very busy. And then we had the strikes. First, we had the writer's strike. Then we had the actor's strike. And that went on for months.  And now, that's all over with. Again, my career stopped. Nothing happened.  And then, we had what we're going through in 2024. These first three months, where we're what the hell is going on. This is just, again, not what we were expecting. And then we hear rumors of the IATSE strike, and that's the reason: yes, the industry is contracting, but also, there's this threat of the IATSE strike, and, oh, wait a minute, their contract isn't up until July 31st. It's this feeling of stuck, and I feel like we're all in a collective stuck, and I just want to say, ah, yes, I'm so freaking frustrated by the whole thing.  And when I feel this way. It is because things are out of my control. It's other people, places, things, and situations. And when it's another person, place, thing, or situation, I can't do anything about it.  What can I do about it? I can change my life, my attitudes, my thoughts, and my actions.  That's where my power is. I can also consider what I can do to take care of myself spiritually, mentally, physically, and emotionally. During what has been a very tumultuous four years of the industry since, quite frankly, 2020.  When I say tumultuous, I also mean good because a lot of good happened between 2021 and 2023.  We had two busy years. But let's talk about timing, and let's talk about getting unstuck, and there's this wonderful reading. The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie. “There are times when we simply do not know what to do.” That's when you're stuck, right? “Or even where to go or what to do next. Sometimes these periods are brief, sometimes lingering.” And what I just have to say, what I feel as an industry, or certainly, yeah, as an industry, is it was like, nothing. Obviously, the world stopped with COVID-19, then it was feast. And now it's, I don't want to say it's famine, but it certainly isn't abundant right now.  “We can get through these times. We can rely on our disciplines of taking care of ourselves.”  We can cope by using our faith in the universe. Other people, good friends, and resources. And the resources are, for example, this book. And the resources are coaching. Just getting that extra little bit of hope and help. “Accept uncertainty. We do not always have to know what to do or where to go next. We do not always have to be clear. We do not always have to have necessarily a direction, but I certainly will say it helps.” “Refusing to accept the inaction limbo makes things worse.”  I also just want to point out what I was talking about earlier, which is not accepting that we cannot do anything about other people, places, things, or situations. When we still don't accept that, things do get worse. Again, where we can do something, what we can manage is our own lives, our own attitudes, our own thoughts, and our own actions.  It's okay to temporarily be without direction.  In this moment, that is okay.  Say, I don't know, and be comfortable with that. We do not have to try to force wisdom, knowledge, or clarity where there is none. While waiting for that direction, we do not have to put our life on hold. We can let go of anxiety and enjoy life.” Another big thing I talk about in my private coaching is letting go of anxiety or learning emotional intelligence by becoming emotionally self-sufficient.   “We can enjoy the love and the beauty in our lives. We can do something fun. We can accomplish small tasks, and this is crucial. They may not have anything to do with solving the problem or even finding direction, but this is what we can do in the interim. Clarity will come. The next step will present itself. Indecision, inactivity, and lack of direction won't last forever. And like I said, this too shall pass.  But this is the whole thing. We don't have to suffer.  We don't have to suffer.  And if I can help you to get through this stuck, weird period, please let me know.

Work privately with David About David Cady: DAVID CADY is currently a professor of commercial and musical theatre performance at AMDA, NYU, and Pace University. Prior, he was a casting director for Donna DeSeta Casting for close to 30 years. In addition to countless commercials, his casting credits include the original Dirty Dancing, Disney's Enchanted, Michael John LaChiusa's The Petrified Prince for the Public Theater, and the world premiere of Andrew Lloyd Webber and Jim Steinman's Whistle Down the      Wind, directed by Harold Prince.   He was an original cast member of Stephen Sondheim and George Furth's Merrily We Roll Along, and can be seen in Lonny Price's film about the experience, The Best Worst Thing That Ever Could Have Happened. In an enlightening discussion filled with actionable advice and heartfelt stories, David Cady, a veteran of musical theatre, shares his extensive knowledge and passion for the art. This episode is a treasure trove for aspiring and established performers alike, offering guidance on auditions, the importance of self-awareness, and the intrinsic value of kindness and professionalism in the theatre world. Key Takeaways: Mastering Auditions: David discusses the crucial approach to auditions, emphasizing the importance of viewing oneself as a collaborator rather than just a hopeful applicant. The mindset should be about showcasing how you are the answer to a casting call, equipped with meticulously selected material that plays to your current strengths. The Right Material: The selection of audition pieces is paramount. David advises against reaching for material that's beyond one's current range, instead advocating for focusing on pieces that showcase one's abilities best. This includes having self-taped auditions with tracks designed in your key and reflecting your unique voice. Technical Savvy: The conversation turns to the technical aspects of modern auditions, highlighting the need for performers to become adept at using software like GarageBand and iMovie for editing self-tapes. This technical skill set is becoming increasingly crucial in a digital-first auditioning world. Confidence and Growth: Drawing from his own experiences, David talks about the evolution of confidence through the repeated cycle of auditioning, failing, and learning. He stresses that a failure is not a setback but an opportunity for growth. Building and Maintaining Relationships: One of the episode's most poignant messages is the importance of kindness, professionalism, and building lasting relationships in the industry. David shares personal anecdotes to underscore how your behavior and interaction with everyone, from the casting director to the monitor, can significantly impact your career. A Career for Life: The discussion concludes on a reflective note, with David reminding listeners that a career in musical theatre is a lifelong journey. The importance of cherishing and working with your current capabilities, continually learning, and building a reputation of kindness and professionalism cannot be overstated. Special Moments: David shares inspiring stories from his career, including his auditions and the lessons learned along the way. A candid discussion about the mental and emotional aspects of performing, emphasizing self-love and the journey towards finding and owning your voice. For More Information: To explore working with David Cady on your musical theatre auditions, click on the link in the show notes. Learn more about Acting Business Bootcamp and how it can advance your career by also checking the show notes. This episode is a must-listen for anyone passionate about musical theatre, offering insights and advice that span the breadth of a performer's journey from auditions to professional growth and personal fulfillment.

The Working Actor Road Map I don't know about you, 2024 is not exactly what I expected it would be in this industry. And, I'm after the strikes and, after everything we went through last year, seriously? This is it?  Now, of course, there are reasons for this.  There's the potential IATSE strike and the industry contraction. But the problem is that I don't know about you, but I'm left with feelings. And I thought that, since we just moved our clocks, I thought I would make this episode about spring and new beginnings.  In fact, I had friends over for dinner the other night, and my dear friend brought me this beautiful plant. It had hyacinths and tulips. Of course, she knows I'm a Dutch girl. I love tulips. You can't go wrong with tulips and daffodils. And every time I look at it, it just makes me smile and it makes me feel good because spring is a time of renewal.  So today I'm going to be talking about new beginnings and renewal. And one of those things that I need to renew is the way I look at things and resentments. Expectations are premeditated resentments.  And I guess that's what I had about the industry.  I thought we'd all be running back to it in January, and it seems to be, just a simmer, hopefully into a boil later this year. So here we go.  The Language of Letting Go “Resentments are the blocks that hold us back from loving ourselves and others. Resentments do not punish the other person, they punish us. They become barriers to feeling good and enjoying life. They prevent us from being in harmony with the world. Resentments. are hardened chunks of anger. They loosen and dissolve with forgiveness and letting go.” So there's a lot to unpack there. But this is the thing. It's like when I have a resentment against something else or the business at large, people, places, things, situations. What happens for me is it's I'm taking poison and I'm expecting something else to be affected by that.  I'm taking the poison and expecting someone else to die or to suffer.  When ultimately with resentments, what's really happening is I am the person who's suffering.  And a lot of the time, and this is something I was talking about with a client the other day, is that really, the person I'm resenting and angry at is me.  And that's the whole thing.  I love this thing of resentments are hardened chunks of anger. That's not helping me. And it certainly doesn't help me as an artist.  As an artist, I want to be movable, malleable, changeable.  And resentment stops that.  She goes on to say, “letting go of resentments does not mean we allow the other person to do anything to us that he or she or they want. It means we accept what happened in the past and we set boundaries for the future. We can let go of resentments and still have boundaries.” Forgiving is not forgetting. It's letting go of the hurt because the only person that the hurt is hurting is me. And we can have boundaries and we can forgive.  And a lot of times, like I said a little bit earlier is that the person I need to forgive most is me.  For allowing myself to be treated like that, or for actions I may have done that may have not been in my own best interest.  Because I find a lot of the times I get angry at myself, it's because I did not advocate for me. I abandoned myself.  Sadly, in that moment, I wasn't emotionally intelligent enough to know how to take care of myself and to be emotionally self sufficient.  “We try to see the good in the person or the good that ultimately evolved from whatever incident we feel resentful about. We try and see our part. Then we put the incident to rest.” So there's this fabulous phrase, trace it, face it, erase it. I need to trace it. Then I need to face it and then I can let it go. It's also awareness. I need to become aware of the situation, accept that the situation is going on, and then I can take action. It's another couple other really important, fabulous tools. Praying for those or sending someone good thoughts for those people that we resent helps to asking the universe to take our resentments from us.  A very powerful prayer that I use a lot is thank you for taking away, if it's like an anger feeling, a resentment feeling, a fear feeling, thank you for taking this away from me, whatever that feeling is, and showing me where I can be of service. Show me what you would have me do, rather than wallow in anger. “What better way to begin this new time of year than by cleaning the slate of the past and entering this new season free of resentments.” I just I just love that because again, I feel expression fumbled the ball, I feel like 2024 in this industry, it's like we fumbled the ball somewhere and everybody's still looking around, like, where is it? And I think, again, another thing to remember is, and I'm going to give you another one of my slogans, is take care of yourself first and the rest will follow.  There is work to be done. There's always work to be done. This business and being an actor is a marathon. Not a sprint. It is a marathon, not a sprint.  

8 Tips to Not Get Ripped off as an Actor Masterclass So today, I'm going to be going back to the fabulous Melody Beattie in her wonderful book, The Language of Letting Go, and I'm going to be talking about setting your own course. And it seems like the world is so turbulent. I know it sounds like we're always saying that, but it does feel like the world is so turbulent. And I think when it is very important for us to keep the focus on ourselves and how we do that is by setting our own course. I'm going to read a little bit. “We are powerless over other people's expectations of us. We cannot control what others want, what they expect, or what they want us to do and be. We can control how we respond to other people's expectations.” Now, I did a podcast on when your buttons get pushed and if this is already starting to vibrate with you, resonate with you, I beg of you, listen to that podcast if you haven't already. So again, we are powerless over others, other people's expectations of us. We cannot control what others want, what they expect or what they want us to do and be. But we can control how we respond to other people's expectations. One thing for me to keep in mind about expectations is that expectations are premeditated resentments. But what happens when it's coming at you? One of my favorite tips and tools, I should say, about what other people think of me as none of my business is the following, which is the serenity prayer. “Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.” So let's just talk about that for one second. Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. I cannot change other people, places, things, or situations. I can't, and when I say people, that includes their expectations. So grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. I cannot change people, places, things, or situations. Courage to change the things I can. I can change myself, my attitudes, and my actions. And that can be my attitude to their expectation. And wisdom, my favorite word. Wisdom. Wisdom to know the difference. That crucial difference between what I cannot control, which is other people, places, things, situations, or people's expectations, and what I can control, which is myself, my attitudes, my actions, and including my attitudes towards other people's expectations of me. Melody Beattie goes on to say, “During the course of any day, people may make demands on our time, talents, energy, money, and emotions.” But here's the thing, we do not have to say yes to every request. As I always say, no is a complete sentence. And another thing about when no comes at me, no is survivable. We do not have to be feel guilty if we say no, and we do not have to allow the barrage of demands to control the course of our life, it's our life. And we have the right to live it the way we want to. We can set our own course. We do not have to spend our life reacting to others and the course they would prefer if we took in our life. Again, I beg of you, listen to When Your Buttons Get Pushed, that podcast episode. We can set boundaries. We can firm up limits on how far we shall go with others. We can, and this is so true, we can trust and listen to ourselves. It's so important because you learn how to be emotionally intelligent. And how do you do that by learning how to be emotionally self sufficient so that, when you make a decision, you're making the right decision for who for you, we can trust and listen to ourselves, we can set goals and direction for our life and we can place value on ourselves. If you want self-esteem, do self-esteemable acts. Buy some time. Think about what you want. Consider how responding to another's needs will affect the course of your life. “We live our own life by not letting other people, their expectations and their demands control the course of our life.” Remember, no is a complete sentence. People can have their demands and their expectations, and we can allow them to have their feelings. They can absolutely have that, but we can own our power by choosing the path that is right for us. And this is something, I help actors with this all the time, because sometimes family members aren't that supportive about our dream to become a working actor. I'm always here if you need help.  

8 Tips to Not Get Ripped Off as an Actor and the Three Pillars to a Successful Acting Career Let's start talking about those buttons being pushed, right? And I want to talk especially about how to help yourself. There's a little phrase that I love. It's one of my absolute favorites, which is “if you're hysterical, it's historical.” I find that when my buttons get pushed, if I'm upset about whatever it is for longer than five minutes, it's not about that thing. It's about something from my past. The other really helpful thing to note about buttons, because it's generally family members who push your buttons, is that your family knows how to push your buttons because, hello, they installed them. Your family knows how to push your buttons because they installed them. So I want To help you so that when you have that moment, when your buttons get pushed, you can start to practice this particular formula. Now I need to also say this, when my buttons get pushed, I find it's better that I go by this saying, which is “when in doubt, leave it out.” out. I also find it's best for me to remove myself from the situation so I can do that very valuable thing, which is stop and take a step back. But I want to describe the full process of what happens when our buttons get pushed. Something will be said to us and we will immediately react. Now this is important because remember our reactions are fine, but it's our second reaction that we really need to be paying attention to. There's this phrase, and I love this because I think this is so true, “we are not responsible for our first thought, but we are responsible for our second.”  So again, if you can split your paper into two sides, make two columns. On the left column, I want you to write, Something happens. Then, right underneath that, I want you to write, React. And then, underneath that, a couple lines down, I want you to say to yourself, “I am not responsible for my first thought, but I am responsible for my second.” Therefore, we have the second column. That second column is that something happens. Now, that could be your mother saying to you, “Oh, you're going to wear that?” Or, “Oh, you're growing a mustache now.” It's that, okay? Could be your father, too, or your brother, or your sister, or a friend, or an acquaintance, or an agent, or a casting director. So again, on this second side of the piece of paper, the same thing, something happens. And guess what? You are going to react. Especially in the beginning. You may not be totally reprogrammed yet, but after that reaction happens, you want to tell yourself this, “stop.” And sometimes I literally say to myself, “stop it right now. Stop. Just for goodness sake, stop.” And then I literally say to myself, “take a step back,” and sometimes, while that person might be continuing to put their opinion of me on me, I literally will take a step back. Literally, a physical step back. And I always use this example, and if you've listened to this podcast a lot, you've heard me say this, is if you put your hand on your face, and you literally attach that hand onto your face, that's how it feels when somebody comes at you and they push that button right in your gut. It's like your hand is glued to your face. But this is the truth. No, it's not. And you can't remove their finger from your button. And that, again, requires you to take a step back. So if you keep your hand where it is, but you move your body back, that's what I'm talking about. Because now you can look at your hand. See, when it's right up against your face, while they have your finger in your button, as it were, you can't see anything. You just see potentially red, or hurt, or weeping. So it's important to get it out. If you are, God forbid, shot, what do they do first? They remove the bullet. That's what taking a step back means. You remove the bullet. And when you've removed the bullet, then you can observe. You have taken a step back. And you can observe what was said, and you can ask yourself if what you are about to do is healthy for you or unhealthy for you, and then you can respond. And that response is a reaction with a pause and a thought behind it. And then we have triage. We need to ask ourselves the following questions. Afterwards, later that night, the next day. I always encourage it to be within 24 hours of when the situation happened. We sit down with pen and paper and our journals and we ask ourselves how emotionally reactive was I to this situation? What was my button? Which is your interpretation of what got you so damn upset. And then ask yourself, what is really going on here? Let's be honest with ourselves. Practice rigorous honesty with yourselves so you can get better. So that you can heal this button. And then If this situation comes up again, or this comment comes up again, how will I handle it? How will I handle it? Always remembering we are never given more than we can handle but we are given more than we can control. Also remembering that what people say or do is about them, but what you hear or see is about you. Know this, and disconnect yourself from the button. So I need to make that separation. I had someone once say to me that my life was like a bowl of spaghetti and I needed to take my strands out of all of my family members, my friends, everyone around me. I had to take out my strands because I would look at my life and not know what was mine and what wasn't. It was a very valuable image for me. And then I decided to make my own sauce. And it's delicious. Because now I'm keeping the focus more on my own life. Certainly don't do it perfectly. But it's a lot easier to manage and handle my life than try and control what other people think of me. Another valuable thing about my buttons getting pushed, remember, is that no one can push a button that didn't already exist. Nobody can push a button that didn't already exist. Remember, button pushing is about me. And my doing the surgery to remove it. It is a very personal and emotional thing. And it is so wonderful for me to become aware of my buttons, accept that they exist, and then take that Valuable action to start healing and repairing them.

Thursday, February 29th, Live NYC Seminar Planting seeds for success. I call this a Foundation skill, and this is a skill I believe that you can use not only for yourself but also for other friends who need support. Who needs to be planting some seeds for success for themselves as well the idea is when you “plant a seed,” you are setting out an expectation that you can do it or that your friend can do it. And more often than not, when you plant that seed of success, and you say, “Hey, you can do it. Hey, no, I can do this.” You actually do it.  That's why it's so important and why this is such a brilliant and useful foundation skill.  You can think of it as almost the germination of an affirmation.  So in other words, you plant that seed starts to germinate, and as you feed it with positive affirmations, it begins to grow.  Then, as you add those action steps that support those thoughts and, of course, that ultimate goal, that's when the success happens.  When you plant a seed with yourself or with someone else, you are expressing your confidence in yourself or for that other person to come up with something. And that can be either a thought or an action that will then linger and percolate in their mind, in their consciousness.  The idea of what if I could run that marathon? All of a sudden, your mind starts to percolate and build up thoughts that make you think, oh, wait a minute, maybe you could. And with that could become the possibility of you can.  So could becomes can.  Now, whether you or that other person are consciously thinking about it or not, a part of you, like I just said, will be working on a solution.  That's why planting the seed, allowing it to germinate, and then again, letting it grow into an affirmation, which then hopefully will grow into actions, those two things will support that goal. Now, this foundation skill of planting a seed can be used in many situations.  I'm going to give you an example. Remember, or someone asks you a question, and you say I don't know. I don't know.  This is when you plant the seed of “what would it be like if you did know?”  That already is planting a seed of maybe you do know.  So you're saying you don't, but maybe you do. What would it be like if you did?  It also is an incredible way of empowering yourself.  It empowers yourself or your friend to come up with their solutions alone. In other words, by planting that seed, we are empowering ourselves and our friends to fix it for ourselves or themselves.  Planting a seed can sound something like this. “I'm gonna ask you in a little while because I have complete faith that you'll come up with something.”  Now, if you're saying this to yourself, you can write down those exact words. Say, you know what, I'm putting down my pen and my paper right now, and I'm gonna journal about it in 24 hours because I have faith that I will be able to come up with that solution.  I will be able to come up with that.  Another wonderful planting the seed question or empowering question is “when you figure that out, what would be different for you?” I love to ask my private clients this question. If you didn't have fear, what would your life be like?  How would [00:07:00] you operate if you didn't have fear?  And it's always so interesting to hear their answers.  And if they say they don't know, I go, “okay I'll ask you in a few minutes because I know you're going to be able to come up with something.” See, that is how I, as a coach, plant in you, the client, the potential solution.  Also, ask yourself this or your friend, “if I figured this out, what would be different for me?”  Or “if you figured this out, what would be different for you?”  And this is what is so incredible about this tool. It is really saying to ourselves we know what we want.  We know what to do.  We just need to ask ourselves the right questions.  It is so incredibly empowering. It is self-empowering. It's like what I talk about in life coaching. I call myself a chiropractor for the mind is I teach you to become emotionally intelligent. And while listening to this podcast, you are becoming more emotionally intelligent.  Why? Because I am teaching you to be emotionally self-sufficient.  You learn emotional intelligence by learning how to become emotionally self-sufficient and teaching yourself how to plant a seed for success.  It's a big step in the right direction. Because planting a seed for success helps bring out a positive result or change.  It helps bring out a positive result or change.  And again, it empowers you or your friend or another person to figure it out on their own.  Instead of looking outside of yourself to find the answer.  Because the answers are always right within.