267. The Jerk Police

Last week’s episode looked at the experience of innocence, and the belief that we, ourselves, are not that pure innocence. In this part two episode, we look at the fear that comes up when we aren’t believing that about ourselves or others. The fear of being a doormat. “Oh, if I just see everyone as innocent, I’ll just let them walk all over me.” Seems accurate enough, right? This position, though, gives us the role of constant self-preservation. When we’re afraid of being steamrolled, we have to approach life in a controlling, angry manner. Or as Tom puts it, we become the Jerk Police. We can’t just ask someone not to do something because that’s what we’d prefer, we have to make them wrong. We have to manipulate our perceived attackers – the jerks – with guilt or shame or anger. But what would life be like if we weren’t constantly giving ourselves this role? Pick a situation in your own life where someone is being a total jerk, and find out for yourself.

Notice a time when you’ve experienced innocence. (Tip: dogs, cats, babies and little kids are a good touchstone for this kind of experience.) What did it bring up within you? In this group inquiry, participants become aware of a sense of openness, levity, and joy, as well as a sense of wanting to protect and care for that innocence. And then Tom asks this question: Is it true that you are not that innocent? Can you absolutely know you are not innocent in that exact way? What is your experience of the world when you believe this of yourself and the rest of humanity? After joining in this inquiry, you might notice the next time you have that experience (whether it’s one of guilt, blame, self-condemnation, or any withholding of love) it’s easier to just say, “Oops, I did it again. I believed I’m not that innocent.”

This week Love Is The Power gives you an incredibly vulnerable, incredibly beautiful inquiry with a brave share. If you’ve ever experienced the frustration of chronic pain or illness of the body, you have probably experienced the devastating sense of hopelessness that can come with it. Holding space for that emotional pain, Tom initiates an exploration of the sensation of physical pain. Byron Katie says that all pain is imagined. That can be a hard one to get our heads around – especially when we’re in the midst of pain. But what if it’s true? What if who we really are is pure awareness that is itself unaffected by pain? What if the awareness that perceives the pain (whether the pain is physical or emotional) is who we really are? And what if that awareness is an experience of pure peace?

This week’s episode begins by asking the question: Can you absolutely know that it’s true that suffering is necessary? It’s an interesting question, because it seems like it must be true. If suffering wasn’t necessary, why would we experience it? It can be easy on the so-called spiritual path to wear suffering like a badge of honour, and it certainly is a powerful teacher. But does that make it necessary to hold onto? And furthermore, does believing that thought actually help us to get free? Or does it send us into an endless loop of discomfort followed by “dealing with it” or “working on ourselves”? Feel free to follow along with your own work as this line of questioning leads into some powerful sub-inquiries and contemplations. (Spoiler: concepts like “I have to deal with this dis-ease” and “I’m not deserving of love.”)

This week’s inquiry begins with a look at a simple thought: “I need money.” Seems pretty straightforward. Pretty accurate. (Unless you’re a Buddhist monk.) But slowly this inquiry becomes a deep dive into the entire concept of need. “I need something that’s not here right now.” Tom takes it to the past, too, by inviting participants to look at a memory where we believe we needed something that wasn’t there. Whether that something was better care, shelter, food, water, painkillers, relief, kindness, or another of the abundant examples that come up in this group meditation, the questions are the same; Can you absolutely know it’s true? Follow along to find out for yourself.

Two weeks ago an episode of Love Is The Power was released where Tom led a group inquiry on the thought, “I need to hold onto the wrongs done to me and the wrongs I’ve done.” In this part II episode, we’re exploring some different concepts, emotions, and conditions we notice the tendency to hold onto. Can you relate to holding onto being different/special/unique/separate? Or is a death grip on the sense of safety (yours or that of a friend/child/parent/partner) familiar? If your answer is yes, we invite you to follow along with the inquiries in this episode. If it’s a ‘no’ then feel free to notice where, within you, you experience a ‘holding on’ of some kind -- and then question it.

This week’s episode begins with a chance to look at one of those moments where we believe, “I shouldn’t have done that.” You know the one. It lies dormant and then pops into your mind as you’re trying to fall asleep and causes The Cringe. It shows up at the most inopportune times, saying, “Remember when you said/did that thing to that person all those years ago? Yeah, you shouldn’t have done that.” And in the questioning of that thought, what arises is a deeper belief in needing to earn love. Is it possible that when we cringe at our past selves (who were doing the best they could with what they had) it’s because we believe that those past actions disqualify us for an experience of love now? And is it really true that we need to earn love at all? Or are we using that story of being undeserving to stay justified in keeping a strong sense of identification and separation?

This week’s meditation begins with noticing the tendency to hold on. It sharpens to a more specific inquiry: “I need to hold onto the wrongs done to me and the wrongs I’ve done to others.” Is that true? The group digs deeper beneath that enticing story that can just seem so factual, like common sense. “Of course I need to hold on! Otherwise how will I make amends? Or get the apologies I deserve?” But what is life like when we hold on to the wrongs we’ve done and had done to us? And even more fascinating – what would our experience be like if we didn’t believe we needed to? There’s a powerful shift that takes place with the questioning of these stories in this group. Feel free to join in on your own!

This week’s deep inquiry begins with a simple invitation: to notice what arises within you when you allow yourself to consciously experience being open to any and all possibilities in life. In this group meditation, what comes up in response to Tom’s prompt is fear. It feels terrifying to open to all possibilities when those possibilities include things we think we very much would not like to experience; things we think we wouldn’t be able to handle. Going back to last week’s episode theme, we are convinced that something truly terrible can happen. This episode expands on that conversation with the idea that we could do something unforgivable. Something beyond forgiveness. We could go somewhere that love cannot reach us.But is that true? If it’s a friendly Universe, how could something we call ‘unforgivable’ be a good and beautiful thing? If you’re up for it, there’s a profound inquiry available this week – one that points to a profound experience of life waiting on the other side of unforgivable.

The mind wonders if there’s even any point in questioning a thought like, “Something terrible can happen.” It seems so obviously true. “Of course something terrible can happen! I could lose my job, my partner/child/parent/friend could die, I could get sick … and that’s not even counting all the terrible things already happening like wars and starvation.” Yes. That is true. All of those things could happen and are happening. But in this powerful inquiry on some sensitive subjects, Tom asks question two of The Work: “Can you absolutely know it’s true?” Can you absolutely, positively-for-sure know it’s true that something terrible can happen? Or could it be possible that the words of mystic St. Catherine of Siena are applicable to this story, that the absolute innocence of all within creation takes awhile to understand. Either way, we have the freedom to check in for ourselves and question painful stories. We have the freedom to notice whether believing this thought helps us show up in the world as truly helpful, happy beings – or not.