Playing With Fire

Ever wonder why you and your partner keep having the same frustrating conversations about decisions, even after you've gone through the agreement-making process? Us too! We've discovered that the real issue often isn't what you're deciding, it's that you've never actually talked about how you make decisions together.When we're crafting relationship agreements, most of us jump straight into the content—what's allowed, what's not, schedules, boundaries—without ever discussing the decision-making framework itself. We assume everyone makes decisions "the normal way" (spoiler: there is no normal way), and this oversight can create serious friction, especially when you're navigating non-monogamy, co-parenting, or any relationship structure that involves multiple people with overlapping needs. That’s why these proactive conversations are so important.In this episode, we talk about:— The three decision-making modes and how to identify which one you're actually using— Why permission-based decision-making can accidentally parentify your partner (and how that undermines your own autonomy)— How notification-only approaches can leave you feeling heartless, even when your partner doesn't mind— The hidden ways we seek permission without consciously realizing it, and how that places unfair responsibility on others— Why veto and permission are essentially the same thing (just with different packaging)— How consultation can get stuck when one person withholds consensus as a control mechanism— The importance of understanding whether you're aiming for consensus or just input when you consult— Why different life domains (parenting, business, household management, romantic relationships) may require different decision-making strategies— How couples privilege and power imbalances show up in decision-making expectations— The critical difference between autonomy and individualism—and why self-sacrifice can actually be an individuated choice— Why we need to have meta-conversations about decision-making before we're under stress or facing deadlines— How childhood experiences and trauma histories shape our default decision-making patterns— The grief and loss that can result from making major life decisions (like buying a house together) without intentional conversation— Practical ways to slow down and create space for these conversations, even when life feels like it's moving too fast— Why differentiation and self-knowledge are essential before you can truly collaborate with othersResources mentioned in this episode:— Episode 149: Relationship Agreements 101JOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & supportLearn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart wayAre you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.comGet the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything hereMusic: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

Betrayal in non-monogamy can feel uniquely isolating. When you've already moved away from the traditional guardrails of monogamy—where exclusivity = safety and infidelity is the clear line of betrayal—what happens when trust is shattered? How do you even know what counts as betrayal when you don't have those conventional frameworks to lean on?This episode picks up where our (amazing!) conversation with Eve Rickert left off. We're moving beyond understanding betrayal to exploring what comes next: How do we actually repair? And here's the thing—repair isn't about returning to some wholesome "before time." It's about transformation. It's about building something entirely new while sitting with the reality that you can never unknow what happened.If you've experienced betrayal in your non-monogamous relationship (or caused it), if you're wondering whether repair is even possible, or if you're struggling with the question "do I even get to have expectations?"—this episode is essential listening. We draw on our own experiences of navigating profound harm and the years-long repair process that followed.In this episode, we talk about:— Why betrayal recovery requires entering a liminal space with no guaranteed timeline or outcome— The difference between repair and just "toughening up" until you don't feel anything anymore— How to reclaim agency when betrayal has left you questioning your reality and your relationship— The interior work required for the person who caused harm (spoiler: it's not just about apologizing)— Why the person who was betrayed gets to define their experience, and what that means for repair— The critical importance of not rushing through the pain—for both the betrayed and the betrayer— How to identify which "part" of you took actions that caused harm, and why that matters— The practice of listening without defending when your partner describes how you've hurt them— Why suppressing betrayal (the "beach ball effect") will cause it to pop up sideways in other areas of your relationship— The role of grief in betrayal—not just sadness, but rage, shame, and the loss of who you thought your partner was— How agreements are "expectations made visible" and why shared meaning matters more than shared values— Why betrayal repair often requires changing activities and expectations during the recovery period— The difference between forgiveness-seeking and negotiation, and how desire smuggling strips away agency— How repair becomes a load-bearing beam in your relationship rather than a fracturing forceResources mentioned in this episode:— 241 Betrayal & Non-Monogamy with Eve RickertGet the support you NEED to have the open relationship you WANT in my year-long group program, The Year of Opening®Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart wayAre you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.comGet the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything hereMusic: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

Betrayal isn’t a fun topic for anyone. But when it comes to non-monogamy, betrayal can actually be really hard to identify, because we often don’t have clear cultural scripts and shared assumptions about what’s okay and what’s not. This can open us up to profound experiences of betrayal that make you question not just your partner, but yourself and reality.Eve Rickert (co-author of the second edition of More Than Two and publisher at Thornapple Press) joins us for a MUCH-needed conversation about her powerful new book, Nonmonogamy and Betrayal. We're talking situationships that masquerade as real relationships, people who act like they're building attachment-based connections while secretly keeping one foot out the door, and the ways non-monogamy's flexibility can actually get weaponized against us.If you've ever felt like you were in one relationship while your partner thought you were in something completely different, or if you're struggling to name what went wrong when someone hurt you (but technically didn't break an explicit agreement), this episode is essential listening. We draw on personal experiences of both experiencing and causing betrayal, and we get real about the repair work that has to happen.In this episode, we talk about:— How betrayal is more than just breaking agreements—it's a violation of trust that removes your agency and ability to consent to the reality you're actually living— The difference between betrayals within a relationship (like broken agreements) and betrayals about the relationship (where you discover the whole thing wasn't what you thought it was)— Eve's concept of "bees in the closet"—when your partner makes major changes without your input and then acts like you should have explicitly negotiated against something no reasonable person would expect— Situationships and Schrödinger's relationships: how refusing to define what you're doing creates plausible deniability and sets the stage for betrayal— Why casual relationships actually require more communication and clearer agreements than "serious" ones— The secretly monogamous partner who uses non-monogamy language but is really just waiting for you to become their life partner— How betrayal destroys self-trust, not just trust in your partner, and why repairing with yourself has to come before repairing the relationship— Poly under duress as a potential betrayal that can go both ways, and how self-betrayal happens when you say yes but mean no— Why the flexibility of non-monogamy can get weaponized— The reality that repair isn't always possible (and why that might be the case)— Practical approaches to rebuilding trust after betrayalResources mentioned in this episode:— Eve Rickert's book Nonmonogamy and Betrayal (available at Thornapple Press and wherever you buy books)— The second edition of *More Than Two* by Eve Rickert and Andrea Zanin— Eve's blog post "Bees in the Closet"— Visit thornapplepress.ca for all of Eve's books and more!— Episode 212: Repair Skills— Repair Skills YouTube playlistJOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart wayAre you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.comGet the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything hereMusic: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

Have you ever felt totally torn between two seemingly incompatible desires? Like part of you wants the freedom of non-monogamy while another part longs for that "one and only" Disney story? You're not alone, and this inner conflict isn't something to rush past—it might actually be your greatest opportunity for growth.In this episode, we’re exploring the Jungian concept of "the tension of opposites" and how it applies to non-monogamy. Rather than seeing these inner conflicts as problems to solve, we explore how bearing this tension can lead to unexpected breakthroughs and deeper self-understanding. This isn't just theoretical—we share practical, creative ways to work with these tensions that go beyond simply "sitting with" uncomfortable feelings.We’re breaking down:— What the "tension of opposites" means and why it's particularly relevant during the paradigm shift to non-monogamy— Why rushing to resolve inner conflicts can actually prevent deeper transformation from occurring— The physical sensations that often accompany inner conflict— How bearing the tension of opposites creates space for the "transcendent function"—a third option we couldn't previously imagine— Why paradigm shifts take years and require us to be comfortable in the "gooey" transformational phase— Creative practices for working with opposing forces— How to ask partners and friends to witness your process without trying to "fix" your conflicts— The value of paying attention to dreams and symbols that emerge during periods of inner tension— Finding balance between bearing tension and making necessary decisions when the time comesResources mentioned in this episode:— Jung's Collected Works, Volume 13— Marie-Louise von Franz’s Archetypal Dimensions of the PsycheJOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart wayAre you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.comGet the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything hereMusic: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

If you’ve ever been turned on by feelings of jealousy, you are so not alone. Dr. Marie Thouin wrote the book on compersion, so she’s the perfect person to join us to get real about erotic jealousy, humiliation, being “the unchosen one,” and why some of us get hot exactly where we’ve been hurt. In this reverse interview, Joli shares candid stories from early non-monogamy and triad life, using masturbation and fantasy to work with jealousy, and how disposability, comparison, and attachment wounds all show up in her erotic life.They also dig into the ethics and weirdness of fantasizing about real people (including metamours), the idea of “participatory jealousy,” and what it really takes to play with this energy without burning everything down. You’ll hear about kink as a tool for transformation, what happens in the “underworld” of big feelings, and how new erotic experiences can actually rewire old wounds—and make more room for compersion, nuance, and genuine choice in how you relate to jealousy.In this episode, we talk about:— Jealousy as a source of turn-on rather than a problem to fix— The relationship between jealousy, shame, and the struggle for Compersion— Joli’s personal journey with jealousy in early non-monogamy and triad living— Using masturbation and fantasy to work with jealous feelings— The erotic charge of disposability, being “unchosen,” and humiliation— How attachment wounds and humiliation kink intersect with jealousy— Ethical questions about fantasizing about real people (including metamours)— Using placeholders/roles vs. specific individuals in erotic imagination— The idea of “participatory jealousy” and reclaiming agency— Alchemizing jealousy into something transformative (using a Jungian/alchemical lens)— The role of safety, trust, and betrayal in whether jealousy play can be healing— Kink as a tool for psychological transformation, not just sensation— Memory reconsolidation and how new erotic experiences can rewrite old wounds— Keeping metamours present in the imagination to support compersionResources mentioned in this episode:— Dr. Marie Thouin’s website— Justin Lehmiller’s research on sexual fantasies— Joli’s guest episode on Girl Boner Radio with August McLaughlin— Episode 215 Nurturing Established Relationship EnergyJOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart wayAre you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.comGet the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything hereMusic: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

Secrets, privacy, and the journey to authentic relationships can be a complex terrain to navigate. When one partner keeps secrets—whether consciously or unconsciously—it creates ripples that affect trust, consent, and the very foundation of connection. But what happens when those secrets aren't just kept from partners, but from oneself? This episode dives deep into the challenging work of moving from fragmented realities to integrated selfhood.Many of us have experienced moments where something feels "off" in a relationship, but we can't quite put our finger on it. When inconsistencies emerge between what's said and what's done, trust begins to erode. But the path back to trust isn't impossible—it just requires dedicated, consistent work and a willingness to face uncomfortable truths about ourselves.In this episode, we talk about:— The critical difference between secrecy and privacy in relationships— How keeping secrets from ourselves can be just as harmful as keeping them from partners— The concept of "bifurcated monogamy" and how people can create separate, incompatible realities— Why writing things down can be a powerful tool for those who unconsciously fragment their experiences— How trauma responses can lead to secret-keeping behaviors without conscious awareness— The relationship between autonomy and responsibility— Why consent requires transparency and ongoing information-sharing, especially in interdependent relationships— The importance of meta-conversations about how we communicate across partnerships— How power differentials can impact one's ability to truly consent in relationships— The long, non-linear journey of rebuilding trust after patterns of secrecy— Why dismantling defensiveness is a crucial step in addressing patterns of secrecy— How integration and differentiation work together to create authentic selfhoodResources mentioned in this episode:— Our episode on dismantling defensiveness— Our episode on weasel wordsJOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart wayAre you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.comGet the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything hereMusic: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

The word projection gets thrown around a lot these days, often in an accusatory way (think, “so-and-so is projecting!”). But projection is actually a normal, unconscious psychological process that shows up in all relationships!That doesn’t mean we should let our projections go unchecked. They can interfere with our ability to truly see our partners as whole, autonomous beings.The good news is that when we become aware of our projections, we have a powerful opportunity to uncover and reclaim the parts of ourselves we’ve denied and disowned. And these aren’t always deep, dark shadowy parts—they can also be positive traits like creativity or intelligence.In this episode, we explore what projection is, how it shows up in relationships, and why reclaiming these “shadow” parts is essential for personal growth. Tune in to learn how working through projections can deepen your connections and help you see yourself—and your partners—in a whole new light.We’re breaking down:— What psychological projection is and how it operates in our subconscious minds— The role of projection in falling in love, limerence, and new relationship energy— How projection can interfere with seeing our partners as sacred, autonomous beings— The stages of becoming aware of and working through projections— Why reclaiming projected qualities is essential for personal growth— How projection relates to childhood wounds and unresolved issues from the past— The dangers of over-identifying with negative projections or shadow qualities— Practical strategies for recognizing and working with projections in relationships— The value of patience and compassion when addressing projections with a partnerResources mentioned in this episode:— Carl Jung's Collected Works (This is the Wikipedia page, to give you an idea of what the CW contains. If you’re looking for a good place to begin reading Jung’s work, Joli suggests Memories, Dreams, Reflections)— Episode 164: I HATE THIS: Get Unstuck with Existential Kink (A shadow work method)JOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart wayAre you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.comGet the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything hereMusic: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

Do your monsters sometimes stage a take-over, hurting you and others? If your monsters could help you live more of the life you want to live, would you get to know them, and invite them in? What about sharing them with a trusted partner in a thoughtful, conscious process?Ken did, and it made him cry, right here in the podcast - tears of relief for the possibility of realizing potential. We're talking about letting in our darker parts, and how much our lives can expand when we do.In this episode, we talk about:— What shadow work actually is and why Carl Jung's metaphor is so powerful yet simple— How our "monsters" operate autonomously when we don't acknowledge them— The relief that comes from finally recognizing and taking responsibility for our shadow aspects— Why personifying our shadow material can make it easier to work with— How kink and shadow work can intertwine as psychological practices— The difference between engaging with the "regalia" of kink versus the psychological depth— Why creating psychological safety is essential before doing shadow work with a partner— How projection reveals our shadow material in relationships— The importance of accepting enjoyment of shadow aspects without endorsing harmful behaviors— Why shadow work is a lifelong spiral rather than a circle we keep traveling— Ways to engage with your shadow independently if your partner isn't interested in this workResources mentioned in this episode:— Joli's ⁠Sexual Shadow Masterclass⁠— ⁠The Avett Brothers - The Perfect Space⁠— Suzanne Vega - Don't Uncork What You Can't ContainJOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart wayAre you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.comGet the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything hereMusic: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

A lot of personal growth work is about recognizing and focusing on taking responsibility and changing what we can change in our lives. But sometimes you’re stuck. Stuck and bewildered by how this shit keeps happening. Those same old cyclical situations… a heated argument with a romantic partner, a recurring issue at work, a really challenging family dynamic… where we feel like we have no control. All those tools and practices go out the window and it feels like the situation is just happening at us.These challenges are the perfect place to start practicing shadow work—the process of becoming aware of what you’ve suppressed, hated, and denied about yourself. Sound a little scary? Don’t worry, shadow work does not mean embracing and enacting all the mean parts of yourself. In other words, doing this work doesn’t mean becoming an asshole.There are many ways to do shadow work, but today we’re focusing on a method created by Carolyn Lovewell called Existential Kink. Existential Kink involves loving, accepting, and owning the ‘guilty pleasure’ we get from the shadowy aspects of our subconscious, and we’re walking you through the whole process.In this episode, we’re breaking down:— What the shadow is— What it means to do shadow work— How Jungian and depth psychology define and approach the shadow— Examples of how and why people repress and deny aspects of themselves— Why unexamined shadow aspects of ourselves often lead to projections— How embracing and recollecting repressed aspects of ourselves can be powerfully transformative for your personal growth and relationships— Why shadow work does not mean embracing and enacting evil/mean aspects of ourselves (AKA becoming an asshole)— The theory behind and process of Existential Kink— The importance of community and support while doing depth psychological workResources mentioned in this episode:— My Individuation Alchemy program— Carolyn Lovewell’s book, work, and programs— Lindsay Braman’s Emotion Sensation Feelings WheelJOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart wayAre you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.comGet the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything hereMusic: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

Radical relating isn't just about who you're dating—it's about dismantling systems of power and creating community. In this episode, we welcome Mel Cassidy, somatic relationship coach and author of "Radical Relating: A Queer and Polyamory-Informed Guide to Love Beyond the Myth of Monogamy."Mel shares their journey from blogger to coach to author, and how their work challenges the foundations of mono-normativity. We explore how white supremacy culture, colonization, and Christianity have shaped our understanding of relationships, and how we can break free from these restrictive patterns to create more authentic connections.This conversation goes far beyond the typical focus on sex in non-monogamy discussions. Instead, we dive into how resource sharing, conflict resolution, and community building can help us create more liberatory forms of love—whether we're in monogamous relationships, polyamorous networks, or anywhere in between.In this episode, we talk about:— How white supremacy culture, colonization, and Christianity have shaped monogamy as the default relationship structure— The concept of "anarcule" as a way to understand relationships beyond sexual connections— Why perfectionism in relationships is a harmful aspect of mono-normativity that prevents authentic communication— How the nuclear family was designed as a political tool to counter feminism and socialism— Ways to practice resource sharing even if you're not interested in having multiple romantic partners— The importance of decentering sex in our understanding of relationships and asking "what does sex mean to you?"— Why Google calendars might actually hide conflict rather than resolve scheduling issues— Practical approaches to conflict resolution, starting with low-stakes issues to build capacity— How our nervous systems "time travel" during conflict, bringing up old wounds and patterns— The value of understanding who you become during conflict and how to work with different conflict stylesResources mentioned in this episode:— Mel Cassidy's new book: Radical Relating: A Queer and Polyamory-Informed Guide to Love Beyond the Myth of MonogamyJOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart wayAre you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.comGet the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything hereMusic: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions