Better Sex podcast

200: Sex and Veterans – Asya Brodsky

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In this episode, Asya Brodsky gives insight into sexual issues and concerns with veterans. From injuries, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) or military sexual trauma (MST), Brodsky explains how these experiences can create all kinds of ramifications in the life of a veteran and how these can affect sexual function and intimacy with a partner.

What are the kinds of concerns that are prevalent among veterans?

PTSD is still the most common issue among veterans, as well as PTSD due to MST. According to Brodsky, veterans in combat who come back physically whole carry great psychological and emotional repercussions. However, the recovery and rehabilitation process for them are focused on basic means and sexuality is often neglected.

What are some of the steps around PTSD and MST? Is this something that the military is taking on?

There are multiple campaigns for MST for veterans. These campaigns let them know that there is support out there and that actions are being taken to address their mental health and really look into this seriously.

What kinds of things get in the way of veterans seeking help in sexual issues?

Brodsky said it’s still primarily military culture where soldiers are taught to be tough and disconnected from their emotions to survive. The contradiction is, what helps them in the service, hurts them in civilian life. It’s a big deterrent for vets seeking out services also because of the stigma about seeking help for mental issues.

What are these people facing coming back from war wounded?

If you were injured in combat, likely you have a combination of physical and psychological injury affecting someone’s identity and self-concept. Physical injuries have an effect on sexuality and sexual expression. Brodsky is positive, however, that in no time, authorities will recognize sexual issues to be part of the rehabilitation process.

What should spouses do?

Brodsky gives suggestions on what veteran couples can do, such as therapy. She also underlines the importance of being patient and recognizing that sexuality can change overtime. Military partners should also make themselves aware of PTSD and follow the lead of their partner on whether they feel comfortable talking about their experience.

In the end, Brodsky advises veterans to seek help as soon as possible.


Asya Brodsky, LCSW, CADC, CST is a licensed clinical social worker, certified alcohol and drug counselor and certified sex therapist through AASECT. She holds positions as the Women Veterans Program Manager at the Jesse Brown VA Medical Center and maintains her own private sex therapy practice, Speak Chicago Psychotherapy LLC. Asya is a relational psychodynamically-informed psychotherapist, specializing in the areas of sexual functioning and expression and their impact on individual and relational identities and lives. Asya is affiliated with psychoanalytic communities in Chicago and is the co-founder and co-leader of the Chicago Sex Therapist Network.

More info:

Sex Health Quiz –
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Podcast Website –
Access the Free webinar: How to want more sex without it feeling like a chore:

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    212: Performance Anxiety – David Khalili


    Feeling anxious before sex is normal. But how about feeling nervous that you cannot have or enjoy sex for fear that you will be unable to “perform” during sexual activities? Sex therapist David Khalili talks about sexual performance anxiety, predominantly among men, and what can be done to overcome that fear or condition. “Men don’t ask for help” David shares from personal experience how men would come in looking for certain toys, prostate massagers, cock rings, lubricants, and the like – shrouded by shame and anxiety. Mostly men are affected by sexual performance anxiety because of society’s expectations of what they should be doing during sex. Because of the men-don’t-ask-for-help narrative, they are afraid to come into sex shops to look for things that could amplify pleasure or to seek intervention from professional sex therapists and admit that they are having trouble in sex. There’s a whole body to explore, not just the penis The pressure that men are under usually focuses on the “performance” of their penis – to get hard fast, stay hard for a long time, etc. As David puts it, penises are wonderful, and they’ve got lots of purpose and pleasure. But you are whole as a human and there’s also the rest of your body to play with and that could give you pleasure. The body is a whole map, and we need to learn how to explore that map. There might be lots of nerve endings in the genitalia, but there are lots of nerve endings all over the body. So, relieving that penis-centric pressure on men really opens their repertoire and their definition of intimacy, connection, and pleasure. How to cope with performance anxiety The first step to coping with performance anxiety is recognizing and normalizing that the penis, just like any other body part, cannot always perform as expected. Also important is removing any shame you might be feeling about not having an optimal sex life. David also underlines the fact that men who do not hit one or all the criteria/markers associated with “expected sex performance” should not feel like it’s their failure as a man. Men should build that self-compassion and accept that it’s not going to be perfect all the time and that good is enough. Be creative in getting sexual The truth is you can be sexual without needing an erection. David explains the circular model of sex versus the linear model that most people know about. With or without penetration, learn how to spice up that sex life and how to potentially help in relieving performance anxiety. Get help and communicate your anxiety Sexual performance anxiety is a valid concern but should not be a reason to avoid having sex altogether. Figure out a way to communicate it to a partner or potential partner in a way that it’s normal and that it’s okay to go slow to soften expectations. If you feel safe enough with the other person, it is important to talk about the anxiety and explore it together. It is a normal ebb and flow of human function and getting sex therapy intervention is perfectly normal. Learn more about different treatments or interventions you can use to help with performance anxiety. Biography: David F Khalili, LMFT is a sex and relationship therapist licensed in California. He works with individuals, relationships and runs groups for men who experience anxiety around sex and dating. His principal areas of focus are sex and anxiety, kink and open relationships, multiheritage couples, and first-generation American-born individuals. David recently released a workbook called “Sex Worriers: A Mindfully Queer Guide to Men’s Anxiety Around Sex and Dating.” Links: More info: Sex Health Quiz – The Course – The Book – Podcast Website – Access the Free webinar: How to want more sex without it feeling like a chore: Better Sex with Jessa Zimmerman
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    211: Juicing up Your Sex Life – Alicia Davon


    Alicia Davon Juicing Up Your Sex Life A fun topic today. This one’s about juicing up your relationship, enlivening it again. Or if you’re single, preparing for when you are in a relationship. My guest is Alicia Davon. She and her husband have an organization that does training with people around increasing presence, awareness, communication, pleasure, and energy in people’s sex lives. We talk about what that looks like, how people practice it, and what its first step might be. I think a lot of it really revolves around getting out of autopilot, which we can do when we’re with the same person. We’re busy with stuff and we can just sort of not pay attention and go through the motions. Or we could get really present and have a sense of newness. Even with a partner that we’ve been with for decades. What does “Juice” look like over time? Generally, Alicia feels that the chemistry and the passion decreases in a relationship by default, and everybody knows that, but not everybody knows what to do about it. Or even knows that something can be done about it outside of just becoming complacent, maybe complaining about it, or splitting up or having affairs. She thinks that there’s a very natural wanting to have things be fun and turned on with our partners over time. But then the longer it goes without that – when certain forces come in, like longevity, or kids and growing up and more responsibilities – it can get harder and harder to reconnect. How to go about juicing it back up. Alicia believes there’s a newness that can be brought into the relationship. When the novelty wears off, it’s just not as exciting. But there’s a lot of inherent chemistry in everybody’s bodies. She has never in her 20 years of working with singles and couples found that somebody’s body was the source of no passion or no chemistry. She says it’s often a mindset thing. We get distracted with technology at our fingertips. Or distracted by work and solving problems and managing day-to-day stuff. And also, there are certain skills that are necessary that sort of come easily, or maybe even naturally when we’re first in a relationship. So, the path, first of all, is presence into the relationship again. Sometimes we find we’ve been on autopilot for months and years and maybe decades. Bringing that presence could look like just simply like bringing awareness to the fact that we the couple would like more excitement in the relationship. Communication is key Alicia and her husband Erwan have daily practices that they teach their students. One of them is meditation, which is a great pathway to being in the present and noticing what’s going on. Then there’s what they call psychological inquiry, which is a way of connecting with your partner, sharing what’s going on with you and going on in your heart and going on in your mind. A full spectrum Alicia and Erwan have touching practices that range from close non-sexual touching physical connection all the way down the spectrum to sexual touching and technique. She mentions the touching skills are important with couples that want to get back connected. Erwan and Alicia have a set of 12 touching practices that introduce skills like going really slowly, and certain communication skills. There’s much more to this fascinating conversation, including how this concept could be utilized by singles as well. Alicia recommends carving out some time to practice and implement “juicing” into your sex life, it’s well worth it! About Alicia Davon Over the past 25 years, Erwan and Alicia Davon have successfully taught over 12,000 singles and couples how to have exceptional relationships. Erwan and Alicia have become the go-to experts for those seeking a higher level of relationship support. Erwan is the founder, senior teacher and president of San Francisco based Erwan Davon Teachings. Together with Alicia, they specialize in supporting singles in getting into passionate and successful relationships, and helping couples take their relationships to new heights of romance and intimacy. Being based in the Bay Area, Erwan and Alicia provide a high-end boutique service that gives their clients an effective way to enhance their relationships. They also offer all their coaching and classes online and support students all over the world. Resources and links: Free Love Life Consultation: Text 415 308 9580 Web – Website: More info: The Desire Spa – Sex Health Quiz –  The Book –  Podcast Website – Access the Free webinar: How to want more sex without it feeling like a chore: Better Sex with Jessa Zimmerman
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    210: Colonization and its Impact on Modern Sexuality – Anne Mauro


    Colonization and Its Impact on Modern Sexuality We tend to think of colonization as something that happened and is over and is done, without realizing that it set up processes and expectations, beliefs, and systems of thought that we are still living with in this current day. This has created historical trauma that remains today. There is a legacy of shame and of limitations that came with settlers in North America. Anne Mauro has been studying this, and we talk about this whole concept of the sexuality that the settlers brought in and what this has come to mean for all of us. We discuss the ways in which it could be manifesting and limiting us, and how it is certainly impacting how people of color, women of color are treated still in this culture. What is settler sexuality? We know that when the settlers arrived in North America, some were coming for a better life and to avoid persecution for their own religious beliefs. And when they arrived, they had their own ideas of what sexuality was, and a lot of that was a belief that it was solely for procreation. But with indigenous people, they saw two spirit people, or a matrilineal model, instead of a patriarchal model. They saw homosexuality, and they saw indigenous people engaging in sexual play outside of marriage. They were completely appalled by this. Their idea of sexuality was no sex before marriage, you are property of your father until you’re married, and then you are property of your husband. “We don’t want you masturbating, or talking about menstruation, that is bad. You’re not supposed to be nude. You’re not supposed to have inordinate affection, or too much desire or affection.” Also, women are supposed to dress a certain way. They’re supposed to be homemakers and don’t work outside of the house. You’re supposed to stay a virgin, not just for the religious reasons, but there was economic value in virginity if you were seen as pure. The shame came across with the settlers If you didn’t fall within the settler sexuality model, you could be publicly shamed, whipped, or tortured. People were burned for masturbation and for homosexuality. They were shamed for anything that was falling outside of this model. If you got caught, you could get in trouble. When the settlers came, they brought with them their own historical sexual trauma. Still impacting today Anne believes that with the sexual script that’s inherited in American sexuality, there is a maltreatment especially of women of color, but of people of color in general. This legacy of the settler sexuality construct has dramatic impacts today, leaving people feeling like there is something wrong with themselves if they don’t fit into it, and very few people do. Biography: Anne Mauro is a Licensed Couples and Family therapist, AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, and AASECT Certified Sexuality Educator. She has earned her M.A from Antioch University Seattle (AUS) and a Doctorate of Human Sexuality from the Institute for the Advanced Study of Human Sexuality. Her private practice, Mending Connections, in Tacoma, Washington, specializes in couples counseling and sex therapy. Anne serves as adjunct faculty at AUS, where she created and taught a course titled Colonization and Sex for the Sexuality Certificate Program. Additionally, Anne works in the Couples and Family Therapy program providing clinical supervision to graduate student interns. In partnership with a colleague, Anne is an American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists (AASECT) continuing education (CEU) provider. Through this venture, Anne co-created the Beyond Settler Sex Sexually Attitude Reassessment (SAR). Her first Routledge publication, More Than Ebony and Ivory: Complexities of sex therapy with interracial couples, can be found in An Intersectional Approach to Sex Therapy: Centering the lives of indigenous, racialized, and people of color. Anne is working on her second publication, The Colonization of Black Sexuality: A clinician’s guide to relearning and healing. Anne has served on the AASECT Awards Committee since 2018 and the AASECT Ethics Committee since 2021. Anne is an active WOCSHN member and one of the original members included on the WOCSHN Membership Directory, the first of its kind directory featuring Black, Indigenous, women of color in the sexuality field. In service of the profession, Anne is a member of AASECT Awards Committee and AASECT Ethics Committee. Resources and links: Anti-Racist Psychotherapy: Healing the Soul Wound: My Grandmother’s Hands: Website: Instagram: @annemauro.cst.cse More info: The Desire Spa – Sex Health Quiz –  The Book –  Podcast Website – Access the Free webinar: How to want more sex without it feeling like a chore: Sex with Jessa Zimmerman
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    209: Right Outside Your Comfort Zone – Court Vox


    Court VoxSomatic sex educator and sex coach Court Vox helps his clients to find the ‘sweet spot’ in their sex lives, and life in general. The sweet spot is a place that can be uncomfortable, but also exciting. This episode is all about pushing yourself to the limit, and calibrating the body in order to allow itself to reach the next level of experience.What is calibration?Calibration is developing an awareness of touch from the lowest point of sensation all the way to your threshold. It’s finding that sweet spot, also called a yellow place, that can get you to the next level of pleasure. In life, it’s always about going a little bit further than you otherwise would as our lives change.Is there value from being slightly outside of your comfort zone?Court elaborates how one can benefit from being in a yellow place, whether in sensation or actual pursuit of something that’s not in the body. Being in a place that’s a bit uncomfortable offers a lot of growth for people. If one is calibrating with a partner, then communication is key, because at the end of the day it’s a very personal approach and all of us will have our own unique yellow spot.Is calibration better with a partner or solo?One can do both. Doing it with a partner can be valuable not just from a sensation perspective but from a communication perspective too.Beyond the Circuit WorkshopCourt Vox will hold a 3-day workshop in March 2022 with the intention to create new and alternative spaces for queer men. It is about finding a deeper sense of community not centered around drugs and alcohol and dark spaces. Aptly called Beyond the Circuit, it is a space where queer men can be vulnerable and be in a more intimate space.Biography:Court Vox provides personal guidance and expertise in the unique and often ignored areas of sex. Vox is a trained Sex and Intimacy Consultant, Surrogate Partner Intern and Sacred Intimate. His approach is personal and necessary. As the founder of his own practice, The Body Vox, he brings professional opportunities to his clients and teaches them to embrace their bodies, as well as the bodies of others. Vox is a sex educator who is experienced in working with clients of all sexualities and genders. He continues to collaborate with fellow sex educator Pamela Madsen for workshops around the country.Resources and links:Website: thebodyvox.comInstagram: @courtvoxMore info:Sex Health Quiz – The Course – The Book – Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.comAccess the Free webinar: How to want more sex without it feeling like a chore: Sex with Jessa Zimmerman
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    208: Endometriosis – Dr. Allyson Shrikhande


    Dr. Allyson Shrikhande, a rehabilitation doctor who specializes in pelvic rehabilitation medicine, gives us an in-depth discussion about endometriosis. What is endometriosis, the disorder affecting one out of ten women? How does it show up and what are the treatment options? What is endometriosis? Endometriosis is a disorder wherein cells that are similar to the cells lining the inside of the uterus (endometrium) grow outside of the uterus. These cells can settle basically anywhere in the body but most commonly in the pelvic cavity and can cause pain and infertility. How common is endometriosis? Depending on the study, one out of ten, or one out of nine women can have endometriosis. It is as common as breast cancer with a strong genetic predisposition. What are the symptoms of endometriosis? The challenge is that it is a silent disease, making it hard to diagnose. The way it presents itself is as a person being infertile and/or having pelvic pain. Pain during intercourse, tampon use and the like as well as GI problems (constipation, abdominal bloating, abdominal pain), and a UTI that will not go away are very common symptoms. Treatment options for endometriosisThe major challenge in the medical community is that there is no proper diagnostic other than surgery right now. The gold standard for a proper diagnosis is laparoscopic surgery, then some pathology. Because of the complexity and systemic nature of endometriosis, Dr. Shrikhande also takes on a holistic approach to treatment, discussing additional things like nutrition and even medication with patients. Endometriosis awarenessDr. Shrikhande underlines the need for more research and studies to help in diagnosing endometriosis in its early stages. Unfortunately, it is a very complex disease with strong genetic disposition making it even harder to prevent. Awareness is key as there is still nothing conclusive as to what is causing endo. It’s important that women are diagnosed in an efficient manner and have access to skilled medical and rehab providers who can help them with proficient treatment. Biography: Dr. Allyson Shrikhande, a board-certified Physical Medicine and Rehabilitation specialist, is the Chief Medical Officer of Pelvic Rehabilitation Medicine. She is also the Chair of the Medical Education Committee for the International Pelvic Pain Society. She is working with other experts in the field of chronic pelvic pain to develop training modules for residents and physicians interested in learning about the diagnosis, treatment, and management of chronic pelvic pain. A leading expert on pelvic health and a respected researcher, author and lecturer, Dr. Shrikhande is a recognized authority on male and female pelvic pain diagnosis and treatment. Resources and links: Website: Instagram: @pelvicrehabilitation, @doctor.allyson Twitter: @PelvicRehab More info: Sex Health Quiz –  The Book –  Get daily conversation starters texted to your phone: Text “topics” to Podcast Website – Access the Free webinar: How to want more sex without it feeling like a chore: Better Sex with Jessa Zimmerman
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    207: Hookup Without Heartbreak – Lia Holmgren


    Hookup without Heartbreak Intimacy and relationship coach Lia Holmgren’s new book, Hookup Without Heartbreak, teaches women to let go of negative feelings after casual hook ups/sex, as well as how to reclaim one’s sexual freedom. Learn the do’s and don’ts of casual sex, the history and science behind hooking up, and learn all you need to know before going on that next date. Casual sex: How do people deal with it? The main focus of this book is double standards – how casual sex can be widely accepted for men but seen as inappropriate for women. Hormones and neurobiology play a big part as to why women tend to feel more attached after having casual sex than men do. Lia also looks into the role of religion, education, and upbringing to explain why women feel a certain way and why women have so much shame and fear around casual sex. The do’s and don’ts in casual sex Lia’s book has 24 tips for women who have caught feelings and then had their hearts broken after casual hookups. These include ways to get over the person, how to deal with hookups who ghost afterwards, how to be safe on dates and how to not feel shame afterwards. The book also talks about how to appreciate the experience and how to have casual sex without any expectations. How do you discern whether you have the right reasons to hookup? It’s important for a person to know their intentions before engaging in a casual hookup. Is it a want for sex or a need for intimacy and closeness? Honesty and clear communication with one’s partner is key, as well as being honest with oneself. Key takeaways The book aims to teach women that it’s okay to have casual sex for sex, without the shame and guilt. It’s important for men to be more understanding and honest after casual sex. Honesty and clear communication is important for both sides. Biography:  Lia Holmgren has been an intimacy and relationship coach for more than a decade, guiding her clients through modern challenges and exploring the many roles of power and fantasy. Known for her empathetic nature and direct style, Lia empowers her clients to feel safe in celebrating their authentic sexuality. Lia holds an M.S. in Negotiation and Conflict Resolution from Columbia University and a B.S. in Biopsychology from Touro University. She is a certified wellness coach and life coach as well as a certified hypnotist. Lia has been featured by numerous media outlets, including NBC Universal, NY Post, Huffington Post, Men’s Health, Curtis and Cosy Show, and more. Website: More info: Sex Health Quiz –  The Course – The Book –  Podcast Website – Access the Free webinar for women: How to want more sex without it feeling like a chore: Get text reminders for every new episode – text “podcast” to Get daily conversation starters to share with your partner – text “topics” to Better Sex with Jessa Zimmerman
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    206: Vaginal Rejuvenation with Dr. Kanwal Bawa


    Dr. Kanwal Bawa talks about sexual health and wellness, particularly vaginal rejuvenation, to improve relationships and the sexual experience. Known as ‘Dr. Sex Fairy’ due to her patients’ incredible sexual wellness success stories, Dr. Bawa reveals to us what’s in her fairy dust.How important is the female orgasm?Unfortunately, many women assume that they cannot orgasm. Studies show that many women do not even know their own anatomy, and henceforth do not know how to pleasure themselves. Good orgasms can be indicative of better vaginal health, better mental health, a better relationship with one’s partner and more enjoyable sexual activities.What do women need to know to achieve orgasm?There is so much more to having an orgasm than just sex itself. Women need to ensure that they are monitoring their hormones and their vaginal health, as an imbalance or lack of these can make achieving orgasm very difficult. Dr. Bawa explains the different rejuvenation procedures and treatments that she offers to her clients that have helped to change their lives.Prevention is better than a cureDr. Bawa advises people to rethink wellness. Vaginal health needs to be approached in a preventative way and not only brought up when a problem arises. Sexual health is a topic that is ignored by a lot of doctors. By filling this void, Dr. Bawa hopes to transform the lives of many people by improving their sexual health.Biography:Dr. Kanwal Bawa is a board-certified physician, founder of Bawa Medical, and a member of FemiWave’s Medical Advisory Board. Dr. Bawa is committed to her philosophy of “rejuvenation from the inside out,” an approach that combines state-of-the-art procedures and multi-faceted solutions with her exceptional knowledge and skill.After battling a breast cancer diagnosis, Dr. Bawa went on to be crowned Ms. Florida U.S. Continental 2021. Dr. Bawa’s motivation in entering the competition was to inspire cancer patients to live their best lives, and to raise awareness for misdiagnosis. Dr. Bawa is an ambassador for the American Cancer Society’s ResearcHERS initiative to raise funds for women-led cancer research for all cancer.At her rejuvenation medical practice Bawa Medical in Boca Raton, Florida, Dr. Bawa uses her expertise and procedures to help transform her patients – especially those affected by cancer. She specializes in intimate wellness, skin rejuvenation, hair restoration, IV therapy, and hormone replacement.To learn more about Dr. Bawa’s background, philosophy, and other personal triumphs please follow this link – and links:Website: learn more about FemiWave, visit: info:Sex Health Quiz – The Course – The Book – Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.comAccess the Free webinar: How to want more sex without it feeling like a chore: Sex with Jessa Zimmerman
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    205: Sex as a Widow – Krista St-Germain


    Master Certified Life Coach, Krista St-Germain, gives advice on how to deal with grief after losing a life partner. In this episode, we will talk about sex after loss and how it fits into the grieving process. How do you discern your needs and wants after being widowed? How do you decide when you’d like to have sex or when you don’t? How do you make those kinds of decisions in a way that is empowering and not fall prey to the myths that exist? Dealing with grief and healing. Grief is the response to any perceived loss. Krista, who works mostly with widows, says that the main issue she sees is the problematic idea that there is a certain way to go through grief. It is an experience unique to every person who goes through it. We are not well informed when it comes to grief, so layering sex on top of the strict timeline of healing people subject themselves to makes things go from bad to worse. The intersection of sex and grief A typical myth concerning the loss of a spouse is that what the bereaved wants is not really sex, but just the physical connection to another human. In reality, only that individual can know what they want and need at any moment in time. Often, people will try to fill an emotional void with sex. If sex is something one wants, it’s because they want it, not because they’re incomplete without it. 8 myths about sex and grief As people we will always have a response to grief, and over time we can change our response and adapt to life such that it becomes integrated and no longer an obstacle. Not only are there no stages or timeline, but there is also no end to grief. It just becomes part of our life experience. Krista reveals the truth about the eight myths that she usually encounters about sex and grief that could help people figure out how to live their lives again and love sex again without feeling judged or guilty. How do you talk to people so that they know whether they’re ready or not to have sex again? This is an individual decision. One must decide to believe in themselves and trust that they know when they’re ready. This doesn’t negate feelings of nervousness or worry, but just shows that one is open to the idea. Krista’s vision is to get people to a place where they know they can be kind to themselves on the other side of whatever decision they’ve made, because that’s the most empowering place to be. Biography: Krista St-Germain is a Master Certified Life Coach, grief expert, widow, mom and host of The Widowed Mom Podcast. When her husband was killed by a drunk driver in 2016, Krista’s life was completely and unexpectedly flipped upside down. After therapy helped her unfurl from the fetal position, Krista discovered Life Coaching, Post Traumatic Growth and learned the tools she needed to move forward and create a future she could get excited about. Now she coaches and teaches other widows so they can love life again, too. Resources and links: Website: Instagram: More info: How Healthy is Your Sex Life –  The Course –  The Book –  Podcast Website – Access the Free webinar: How to want more sex without it feeling like a chore: Better Sex with Jessa Zimmerman
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    204: Healing Your Sex Life Through the Unconscious Mind – Dr. Tonia Winchester


    Healing Your Sex Life Through the Unconscious Mind Dr. Tonia Winchester has been a naturopathic doctor for 15 years. This episode will explore brain-based coaching, and how people can really achieve breakthroughs and get out of patterns that haven’t been working for them. Dr Winchester talks about accessing the unconscious mind in order to achieve a healthy sex lifestyle. The power of neuro-linguistic programming (NLP) Through practice, Dr Tonia Winchester found that the best way to help is by tapping into the unconscious mind of her patients. NLP (neuro-linguistic programming) is a tool that allows us to bypass our conscious mind and access the place in our minds where change happens. What is the unconscious mind and what does it do for us? The unconscious mind is responsible for our emotions, triggers, responses and reactions. Dr. Winchester believes that if one wants effective change to happen, they need to dig into the unconscious mind to do so. How does the unconscious mind relate to a healthy sex life? The unconscious mind controls factors that are essential for a healthy sex life, ie. safety, trust, risk-taking and vulnerability. Our desires, or lack thereof, are based on our past experiences in life. The unconscious mind is always looking to keep us safe, so avoiding sex or doing it because we have to, is fulfilling a purpose. How does a breakthrough process work and what should people expect from it? When working with the unconscious mind, one has to deal with negative experiences from their past. With a process called timeline therapy, the charge is gently taken out of these negative emotions and swapped with positive learnings, allowing the patient to have the appropriate and warranted emotions. Reconnecting to positive things can prime people to experience pleasure in their lives and help them draw out things that they are wanting. Who needs this? Anyone who has been stuck in the same pattern for years, and knows that they should be taking care of themselves, but aren’t, would be a good candidate for this treatment. Going through unconscious reprogramming is recognizing that one wants more in their life, but that what they’re doing is not and hasn’t been working for a long time. Biography: Dr Tonia Winchester has been in practice as a Naturopathic Doctor since 2007. Now, as a brain-based transformation coach, she uses contemporary neurological reprogramming techniques to help women break through burnout, stress, anxiety, and fatigue and find joy and energy again so that they can create exceptional lives for themselves, their families and communities. She guides her clients through a “Breakthrough” process where they easily and gently clear the past and recode their unconscious minds so that they are primed to make and sustain positive changes in how they take care of themselves. The results are a strengthened connection to self – more self-love, worth, and value, ultimately allowing them to build happy, meaningful relationships and compelling futures. Tonia has been featured on CTV, the Costco Connection, The Elephant Journal, Conscious Nutrition, The Autoimmune Simplified Podcast, and the New Generation Entrepreneur Podcast. To learn more about her brain-based coaching breakthroughs, head over to More info: Sex Health Quiz –  The Course –  The Book –  Podcast Website – Access the Free webinar: How to want more sex without it feeling like a chore: Better Sex with Jessa Zimmerman
  • Better Sex podcast

    203: Why Selfish is Good for Sex – Dr. Laura Dabney


    In this episode, Dr Laura Dabney explains the importance of selfishness in a relationship. Despite its negative connotation, being selfish can actually make you a better person and partner. Learn why being in tuned to what you want and how you feel is critical and how you can create a balance of giving and selfishness in a relationship. What does selfishness mean in a relationship? Simply put, being selfish is taking care of yourself first before others like your partner. Being selfish has always been frowned upon because of its bad connotation but it just means you take responsibility for getting your personal, emotional, and physical needs met, and that’s an important part of becoming an adult. You can’t build a deep, meaningful, and authentic connection when you have little or no concern for yourself in the first place. What are the consequences of selfless giving and not putting yourself first? When you put everyone else’s needs ahead of your own, there’s resentment that’s taken but not talked about because of the assumption that your needs weren’t as important. Constantly meeting others’ needs could also lead you to believe that it’s the way of keeping the relationship alive. You’re giving in to the point where it’s hurting you and so the other person could start pulling away emotionally, sexually, physically. The best person to know you is you One reason why people tend to not say or advocate for their wants is this fairy tale idea that we expect that the other person should know what we want and we don’t need to tell them that. In reality, this happens because the person is not in touch with themselves, particularly sexually, so they hope the other person will take over. Being selfish in a healthy way Taking care of ourselves is our job as an adult – that’s the definition of being an adult. It is not a negative quality. Take time to reflect, carve out some alone time, name a feeling and practice feeling it. If you have a well-developed sense of who you are and the ability to communicate it to others or your partner, you’ll be a happier person. The balance of being selfish and giving In a relationship, you have to set boundaries to know where you end and the other person begins. Know what you need and present it to your partner. Hear what the other person has to say and then figure out a unique formula on how you can make things work for both of you. The best relationship happens when two adults show up and enjoy each other. Biography: Dr. Laura Dabney has been a psychiatrist in Virginia Beach, VA for twenty-plus years. She has treated patients in more than a dozen cities across Virginia, including more recently Richmond, VA. Her psychiatric expertise has been featured on radio, podcasts, websites, and in print media. She consults for a number of large institutions, including the Virginia Veterans Administration Medical Center. She received her MD from Eastern Virginia Medical School and has been Board Certified in Psychiatry. Resources and links: Website: info: Sex Health Quiz –  The Course –  The Book –  Podcast Website – Access the Free webinar: How to want more sex without it feeling like a chore: Sex with Jessa Zimmerman

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