109. You Cheated, So Why Am I the One Fixing Things? (1/3)

Christmas can be a season filled with joy and connection, but for anyone navigating betrayal, it can also bring sadness, loneliness, and longing for what once was. This episode offers a compassionate space to reflect on the challenges of the holiday season while exploring ways to create moments of peace, hope, and even new traditions. Whether you’re the betrayed partner, the unfaithful partner, or someone facing a Christmas that looks nothing like you imagined, this episode is here to remind you: It’s okay to feel what you’re feeling, and it’s possible to create something meaningful, even amidst the pain. From my heart to yours, Luke Shillings. Key Takeaways: Why Christmas often feels harder after betrayal and how to navigate it. Practical ways to care for yourself and reframe holiday expectations. How to focus on small, meaningful moments that bring comfort and hope. A reminder: Healing doesn’t require perfection, just a step forward. Reflective Question: What’s one small, meaningful thing you can do for yourself today to create a sense of peace or connection? If this episode resonates, share it with someone who might need a reminder that they’re not alone this holiday season. Connect with Luke: Website: www.lifecoachluke.com Instagram: @mylifecoachluke Email: [email protected] Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

The internet can feel like a war zone when you’re looking for answers after betrayal. Whether you’re the betrayed partner or the unfaithful one, scrolling through the comment section can quickly amplify your fears, doubts, and pain. But here’s the truth: those comments don’t define you. They reflect someone else’s pain, biases, and experiences, not your reality. In this episode, we explore: Why we’re drawn to online comments when we’re hurting. How confirmation bias makes the worst comments hit us hardest. Why the comment section is like a broken mirror, distorting your reflection. How to protect your emotional and mental health by filtering out harmful noise. Practical ways to reclaim control and stay grounded in your truth. If you’ve ever felt overwhelmed, judged, or shattered by what strangers have said online, this episode will help you step back, tune out the noise, and refocus on your healing journey. Key Takeaways: Online comments reflect others’ pain, not your truth. Confirmation bias makes us latch onto the words that reinforce our fears and insecurities. You don’t need strangers in the comment section to tell you who you are, you already know. Protecting your mental health means learning to filter harmful input and focus on what serves your healing. Reflective Question: Before you scroll, ask yourself: Is this serving my healing, or is it making it harder? If this episode resonated with you, share it with someone who might need to hear it. And if you’ve found healthier ways to navigate online negativity, let us know—we’re in this together. Connect with Luke: Website: www.lifecoachluke.com Instagram: @mylifecoachluke Email: [email protected] Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

Religion often has a lot to say about infidelity: forgive, stay, move on. But what if these teachings complicate, rather than heal, the emotional devastation of betrayal? In this episode, Luke explores the intersection of faith and infidelity, unpacking the pressures placed on both the betrayed and the unfaithful partner. We’ll discuss: How religious expectations can shape the healing journey, for better or worse. The cultural and societal variations in how infidelity is perceived and judged. The stigma faced by the unfaithful partner and whether shame helps or hinders growth. The importance of finding a path to healing that aligns with your values while honouring your emotional truth. Whether you’re navigating the expectations of your faith or questioning the role of religion in your recovery, this episode is for you. It’s not about judgment; it’s about understanding and finding a way forward. Key Takeaways: Religion can offer comfort, but it can also create pressure to forgive and stay in ways that might not align with personal healing. Cultural and religious norms around infidelity are not universal, there is no single “rulebook” for betrayal. Both betrayed and unfaithful partners deserve space to process, heal, and grow without being reduced to their worst moments. Join the Conversation: What role has your faith played in your healing journey after infidelity? Connect with Luke: Website: www.lifecoachluke.com Instagram: @mylifecoachluke Email: [email protected] Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

Staying for the kids" is a phrase loaded with expectation and sacrifice. But is staying in a relationship after betrayal truly the noble choice? Or could it be teaching your children lessons about love, self-worth, and authenticity that you never intended? In this episode of After the Affair, we explore: The societal mantra of “staying for the kids” and why it’s not always the best path. The hidden costs of staying in an inauthentic relationship. How children absorb lessons about love and self-worth from their parents’ actions, not just their words. The long-term impact of prioritizing emotional health and authenticity over appearances. This episode is a must-listen for any parent navigating betrayal and wondering how to make the right decision for their family’s future. Join host Luke Shillings as he unpacks the complexities of parenting after infidelity and how to model resilience and authenticity for your children. 🎧 Listen now and discover why your happiness might just be the greatest gift you can give your kids. Connect with Luke: Website: www.lifecoachluke.com Instagram: @mylifecoachluke Email: [email protected] Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

What counts as cheating? For some, it’s clear-cut. For others, it’s a grey area. In this thought-provoking episode, I sit down with porn addiction coach Matt Smith to explore where we draw the line when it comes to pornography and betrayal. We dive into: The blurry boundaries of infidelity and porn consumption. Why shame and secrecy often fuel addiction. How to start breaking free from cycles of guilt and dependency. The emotional impact of porn on relationships, and what it means for you. Whether you’ve experienced betrayal, struggled with shame, or just want to understand your own boundaries better, this episode is for you. Matt Smith helps men overcome porn addiction and regain control of their lives. Drawing from his own experiences and years of coaching, Matt offers practical tools and kind support. He encourages his clients to understand their urges and find lasting freedom. Matt enjoys guiding men as they uncover the reasons behind their challenges. He helps them break unhealthy patterns and create a life full of confidence and clarity. He believes recovery is not just about stopping a habit; it is about becoming who they want to be. Links & Resources Mentioned: Website: https://www.mattsmithcoaching.com/ Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/mattsmithcoaching Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/mattsmithcoaching/ Email: [email protected] If this episode resonated with you, share it with a friend or leave a review on your favourite podcast platform. Your support helps us reach more people who need it. Connect with Luke: Website: www.lifecoachluke.com Instagram: @mylifecoachluke Email: [email protected] Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

Emotional affairs might not leave physical evidence, but their impact can be just as devastating as physical infidelity. In this episode of After the Affair, we dive deep into the hidden world of emotional affairs, the betrayals that happen through private messages, late-night conversations, and intimate connections that cross the boundaries of committed relationships. We’ll explore: What exactly defines an emotional affair? Why emotional betrayal hurts as much as, or even more than, physical cheating. The unique challenges of rebuilding trust when the affair was "only emotional." Insights for both betrayed and unfaithful partners navigating the aftermath of an emotional affair. Whether you’ve experienced emotional infidelity, are trying to understand its complexities, or want to rebuild a relationship affected by it, this episode offers guidance, validation, and actionable insights. Join host Luke Shillings as he unpacks the betrayal you can’t see—and how to move forward. Connect with Luke: Website: www.lifecoachluke.com Instagram: @mylifecoachluke Email: [email protected] Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

In this episode of After the Affair, we’re exploring a question that many men find themselves asking but few know how to answer: What does it mean to be a man today? As gender roles evolve and the traditional definitions of success and purpose shift, men are left to find new ways to build identity, self-worth, and connection. For some, these uncertainties can lead to choices like infidelity, decisions often rooted in a lack of fulfilment, identity confusion, or the need for external validation. Join us as we dive into the challenges facing modern men, how traditional roles of provider and protector have transformed, and why a strong sense of purpose is essential in both relationships and self-discovery. This episode isn’t about reclaiming outdated standards but about navigating the complex path of redefining what manhood means today. Key Takeaways: The Evolving Role of Men: Why traditional sources of purpose are shifting and what this means for identity and relationships. Infidelity as a Symptom: How a lack of self-worth and unclear identity can lead to seeking validation outside of a committed relationship. Finding Fulfillment Beyond Old Roles: New ways men can build purpose that resonates today, through vulnerability, connection, and redefining success. A Challenge to Reflect: An invitation for listeners to think about what purpose looks like in their own lives, beyond societal expectations. This episode will leave you with questions, insights, and encouragement to create a path that aligns with who you truly are. Connect with Luke: Website: www.lifecoachluke.com Instagram: @mylifecoachluke Email: [email protected] Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

In the final part of our mini-series, we talk about something that many people don’t expect, how the imbalances created by infidelity can linger long after the relationship ends. Whether it’s guilt, shame, anger, or resentment, the emotional aftermath of infidelity doesn’t always disappear when the papers are signed, and the relationship is officially over. We’ll explore how the ‘ghost’ of the broken relationship continues to show up in your life, influencing how you see yourself, how you approach future relationships, and how you navigate lingering feelings from the past. Key Topics Covered: The Ghost Relationship: Why unresolved feelings continue to haunt you, even when the relationship is over. Lingering Guilt and Shame: How the unfaithful partner can struggle with feelings of guilt long after separation. The Imbalance of Moving On: Why one partner might seem to move on easily while the other feels stuck in pain. Breaking Free from the Ghost: How to start reclaiming your life and healing independently. Reflective Question: What part of the past relationship is still haunting you? How can you begin to let go and create space for your future? Connect with Luke: Website: www.lifecoachluke.com Instagram: @mylifecoachluke Email: [email protected] Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

In the second part of our mini-series on imbalance after infidelity, we explore what happens when the unfaithful partner is doing everything ‘right’, apologising, attending therapy, being transparent, yet it still feels like nothing is changing. Why, despite their best efforts, does the relationship remain stuck? We’ll look at the emotional wall the betrayed partner builds, why it’s so hard to move forward even when the unfaithful partner is doing all they can, and how to navigate the frustration of feeling like your efforts are in vain. Key Topics Covered: The Unfaithful Partner’s Dilemma: When you’re putting in the work but your partner can’t, or won’t, move past the betrayal. The Emotional Wall: Why the betrayed partner might feel stuck in pain, even when everything is being done to make amends. What Real Healing Looks Like: Understanding why effort alone isn’t always enough and what needs to shift for healing to truly begin. Reflective Question: If you’re the unfaithful partner, are you focusing only on your actions, or are you understanding the deeper emotional needs of your partner? Next Episode Teaser: In the final part of our mini-series, we’ll explore what happens when the relationship ends but the imbalance lingers, how both the betrayed and unfaithful partners continue to be haunted by unresolved feelings, guilt, and resentment long after the relationship is over. Connect with Luke: Website: www.lifecoachluke.com Instagram: @mylifecoachluke Email: [email protected] Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

In this episode of After the Affair, we dive into a frustrating dynamic that many betrayed partners face after infidelity, the unfair expectation that they should be the ones to fix the relationship. You didn’t break it, so why is it your job to pick up the pieces? We’ll explore the imbalance that happens when the betrayed partner is left carrying the emotional weight, expected to forgive and move forward while the unfaithful partner seems off the hook. This episode is the first part of a three-part mini-series where we’re exploring the imbalance that often lingers after infidelity, both in relationships that stay together and in those that don’t. Key Topics Covered: The Obligation Swing: Why does the betrayed partner feel like they’re the one tasked with fixing the relationship? The Emotional Burden of the Betrayed: How this imbalance can lead to resentment and hinder real healing. What Happens When One Partner Refuses to Take Responsibility: The impact on the relationship when the unfaithful partner doesn’t share the burden of healing. Reflective Question: Are you taking on more than your fair share of responsibility for fixing the relationship? How can you reclaim balance? Next Episode Teaser: In the next episode, we’ll flip the script and look at the other side, what happens when the unfaithful partner is doing everything right, but the betrayed partner remains closed off. We’ll explore why this imbalance can be just as difficult to navigate. Connect with Luke: Website: www.lifecoachluke.com Instagram: @mylifecoachluke Email: [email protected] Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity