Top 5 at Five

A school shooting shakes Minneapolis to its core; Trump slaps India with a 50% tariff like it’s Black Friday gone wrong; DC’s Union Station turns into Fort Trump; Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break the internet with their engagement; and Trump tries to DJ the Federal Reserve like it’s his personal money machine. Kids in church, tariffs at Walmart, stormtroopers at the train station, pop’s reigning couple, and one big Fed fight—welcome to Wednesday in America.

While New York was busy sweeping Boston and clowning the Mets, the rest of the country got hit with some serious headlines: Biden’s facing down aggressive prostate cancer, Trump told Walmart to “eat the tariffs” like he forgot how inflation works, Elon’s chatbot went full extremist before xAI could pull the plug, a New Orleans jail pulled off the dumbest escape since Mario Bros., and Sesame Street found a new home on Netflix without ditching PBS. It’s chaos, it’s capitalism, it’s comfort TV—just another Monday.

The U.S. and China sign a trade truce with an expiration date. Trump suddenly loves pharma price caps—as long as he gets credit. Bill Gates hits the gas on giving it all away. White South Africans get the refugee fast lane while TPS holders get ghosted. And YouTube? Just figured out Shrek 5 was fake. Classic.

Today updates: Newark air traffic controllers go full bird box after a 90-second radar blackout—and now 20% of them are on mental health leave. Meanwhile, Powell hits pause on rate hikes while Trump rage-posts like it’s the cure for inflation. Over in Vatican City, it’s Conclave IRL as 133 cardinals pick a new pope. Plus, India and Pakistan decide peace was overrated, and high schoolers are turning down college for six-figure jobs and fireproof gloves. Your flight’s delayed, the pope’s TBD, but at least the welders are winning.

Still shaking off that Cinco fog? Don’t worry, I got you. Today we’re breaking down Trump’s bizarre real estate pitch to Canada, the VA’s head-scratching decision to yank a foreclosure lifeline from veterans, and Rockstar’s shiny new GTA VI trailer that dropped right before they told us we’ll have to wait another full-ass year. Plus: trans rights on trial at SCOTUS, and why Alex Karp just made more money than your whole bloodline. Let’s go.

Trump goes on national TV and says the Constitution is more of a suggestion than a rulebook. Student loan collections are officially back, so ignore those notices at your own risk. Meanwhile, scientists manage to teleport quantum data through regular internet cables, the White House wants to bribe undocumented immigrants with $1,000 to leave, and one Pennsylvania teacher proves $20 and a little empathy still go a long way.

Pope Francis is gone, and with him ends one of the most headline-generating papacies in modern times. President Trump’s threats to the Fed have the dollar in freefall, ChatGPT’s getting politely bankrupt, and the NBA Playoffs have entered their chaos era. We end with something rare: an actual feel-good story out of Tennessee that doesn’t involve country music or BBQ.

Florida State goes on lockdown, Puerto Rico goes dark (again), and Trump’s still trying to fire people he legally can’t touch. Meanwhile, China bans self-driving hype while Tesla continues cosplaying as a tech god, and a ranch dog in Montana makes everyone else look lazy. It’s the Top 5 @ 5—and this week, even the good news comes with fur.

Trump’s back on his “lock her up” arc—except this time it’s Letitia James, and he’s the one begging the DOJ for a criminal referral. Meanwhile, Jerome Powell politely drags Trump’s tariff tantrum while Elon’s baby count quietly sneaks into NBA team territory. Plus: a rare feel-good win from Trump on prescription drug prices (we said rare, not fake), and we end in Michigan, where 300 people formed a human chain to move 9,000 books just because they could. Look at that—hope isn’t entirely dead.

From federal shakedowns at Harvard to zombie chicken diplomacy, today’s episode has it all. JD Vance fumbles the football—literally—at the White House, Trump wants history class to skip the bad parts, and Jack Black tries to save movie theaters one chicken jockey at a time. Plus, Meta offers the FTC pocket change to settle a $30 billion antitrust case. So yeah… things are going great.