Part 2: Betrayal Happens to Men Too with Adam Nisenson

Adam Nisenson and Dr. Rob continue their conversation about betrayed men. They share the worst advice a betrayed man can hear, how to determine if reconciliation is the right next step, and the reality that being cheated on does not justify cheating. Adam shares resources, including The ManKind Project, that have helped him through his own healing and how to engage men who have no interest in therapy.    TAKEAWAYS: [1:44] Reconciling is possible, but not always preferred.  [3:40] Therapy for the men who have no interest in therapy.  [7:20] 12-Step programs for betrayed men.  [9:55] She cheated, should I have sex with someone else?  [11:45] The worst advice a betrayed man can hear.  [14:51] Determining if reconciliation is the right next step.  [17:36] My needs aren’t being met. Does that justify cheating?  [19:39] The ManKind Project.  [24:02] Does age affect a man’s ability to heal from betrayal?    RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment Partner Sexuality Survey Adam Nisenson Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.    QUOTES: “She might have done this to you, but it’s also happening to you. What do you want to do about it?” “If you need help, ask for help!”  “Even if your partner cheated on you, that doesn’t give you permission to cheat.” 

Adam Nisenson, also known as The Betrayal Shrink, is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist & Certified Sex Addiction Therapist. Together with Dr. Rob he highlights the need for betrayed men to have support and healing just as much as women do. He shares his own healing journey, the support that he offers men who have been betrayed, and why he believes that his own betrayal experience was actually worth it.    TAKEAWAYS: [2:25] The depth of Adam’s betrayal as a man.  [6:20] Adam recalls his feelings on D-Day.  [8:52] The importance of having a safe, supportive place to grieve. [9:50] Rediscovering self-worth when reconciling or separating.  [13:53] Projecting unhealthy anger on others gives them the power. [17:55] Navigating betrayal from a child’s perspective.  [20:02] Adam’s decision to support other betrayed men.  [22:45] Key differences between betrayed men and women.  [26:44] Is it just sex? Or is it love?    RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment Partner Sexuality Survey Adam Nisenson Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.    QUOTES: “Having a safe, healthy place to grieve and be seen was a game-changer for me.”  “Projecting unhealthy anger on others gives them the power.”  “I wanted to make therapy cool for men.”  “Emotional betrayal is just as painful as physical betrayal, and they both destroy trust.”  “It was through my pain that I discovered who I really was.” 

Erin Snow is the Clinical Director at Seeking Integrity, CSAT, and a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. She and Dr. Rob discuss a week-by-week overview of residential treatment, the key points of trauma work and treatment, and the hope that she regularly sees as addicts encounter consequences, confront early trauma, and what it really takes to heal individuals and their loved ones from addiction.    TAKEAWAYS: [2:08] Erin’s journey toward Seeking Integrity.  [4:50] The healing at Seeking Integrity focuses on much more than sex addiction.  [7:41] Key points of trauma work and treatment.  [12:15] Why is my partner connecting to their therapist but not me?  [13:43] A week-by-week overview of residential treatment.  [20:29] Attachment and connection are not what a spouse is thinking about.  [26:28] Why isn’t our relationship enough to make him change?  [31:00] What is it like for Erin being a woman working with addict men?    RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment Partner Sexuality Survey Erin Snow Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.    QUOTES: “I can see an opportunity for my clients to find meaning in living again.”  “In trauma work, you can lose yourself in the why and never move to the place of how to move on from this.”  “Healing happens the way it's supposed to as long as you’re doing the next right thing.” 

Dr. Rob and Dr. Erika Schwartz continue their discussion about the connection between intimacy and sex. She highlights the role of hormones in sex addiction and betrayal, addresses the myths of monogamy, and counters the dangerous statement that too many betraying partners tell themselves, because what you don’t know actually will hurt you, will hurt your partner, and will hurt everyone around you.     TAKEAWAYS: [1:22] Coming to peace with the trauma that happens in betrayal.  [4:25] Who were you before you came into this relationship?  [6:02] The power of opening up when overcoming betrayal trauma.  [9:08] The role of hormones in sex addiction and betrayal.  [11:10] What does monogamy look like in humans?  [14:28] The deeper hurt that comes when love appears while cheating.  [19:15] What you don’t know won’t hurt you, or will it?  [21:20] Connect with Dr. Erika Schwartz.    RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Dr. Geoff Goodman Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment Partner Sexuality Survey Dr. Erika Schwartz Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.    QUOTES: “If humans are monogamous, why are we all having affairs? It’s because monogamy is a choice.” “Sexuality and intimacy are not the same. That’s when we start behaving differently.”  “Love is the core of everything. If it’s love, move out of the way.”  “What you don’t know will hurt me, will hurt you, and will hurt everyone around you.” 

Dr. Rob and Dr. Erika Schwartz discuss the connection between intimacy and sex – what it is, how it varies based on age, gender, and culture, and what a partner’s betrayal really means about the relationship. The author of The Intimacy Solution, Dr. Erika explores the connection between sex and intimacy at all stages of life and answers the question that so many betrayed partners grapple with – “If you really loved me, why would you do this?”    TAKEAWAYS: [2:28] Dr. Erica defines the key differences between sex and intimacy. [4:45] Gender and cultural insights into sex and intimacy.  [7:48] The link between the pathology of addicts and lack of communication in relationships.  [10:27] “If you really loved me, you wouldn’t do this.”  [14:42] The reasons partners choose to leave or to stay.  [16:15] The danger of trying to hold on to the intensity of the 18-year-old life.  [17:34] Oxytocin is a key component of intimacy and connection.  [21:52] Does “in sickness and in health” apply to betrayal and addiction?  [27:15] Your partner’s addiction isn’t about you, but it is about honoring the truth.    RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Dr. Geoff Goodman Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment Partner Sexuality Survey Dr. Erika Schwartz Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.    QUOTES: “You can live a much easier life if you see how the other side views sexuality and intimacy.”  “There is a lot in sexuality that we don’t talk about that we should be talking about.”  “You have to figure out how to fix your problem. Your partner can’t do it for you.”  “If they are everything to you, then you are nothing to yourself.” 

Dr. Rob and Dr. Johanna O’Flaherty continue their discussion about trauma. How can recovering addicts find the healing that they need when trauma is still unknown? How can you gather the right team to support you in your recovery work? How can you find peace following big ‘T’ and little ‘t’ trauma? They answer these questions and consider the gift of working on yourself and the power of standing on your own two feet and finding your voice as you navigate your recovery journey.   TAKEAWAYS: [1:27] How can I find the right therapist to help with my trauma work?  [5:25] The importance of gathering the right team to support you in recovery work.  [7:20] Seeking Integrity resources that are available when finances are limited.  [9:28] Differences between big ‘T’ and little ‘t’ trauma.  [12:35] Facing the haunting vision that triggers you.  [19:10] How can I come to peace following such major violations?  [24:02] Approaching brokenness and filling the void that once came with betrayal.  [26:06] The focus of the Seeking Integrity women’s intensives is not on the spouse.  [28:17] Are you ready to accept the consequences of doing whatever you want?    RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Dr. Geoff Goodman Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment Partner Sexuality Survey Dr. Johanna O’Flaherty Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.    QUOTES: “Interview your therapist and find out what experience they have in trauma.”  “The beginning of trauma work is awareness.”  “I want you to discover the power of standing on your own two feet and finding your own voice.”  “For every piece of work you can do on yourself, you are offering a gift to someone else.” 

Dr. Rob and Dr. Johanna O’Flaherty explore trauma – what exactly is it, how does it come about, and what can you do about it? They consider the wounded healer, the importance of integrating all lived experiences to become whole again, and the role of self-forgiveness in overcoming trauma. Johanna is passionate about helping individuals heal from incident trauma, ancestral trauma, prolonged trauma, and more, and she cautions listeners against marginalizing the damaging effects of true trauma in favor of everyday difficult life experiences.   TAKEAWAYS: [1:21] A little bit about Dr. O’Flaherty and her passion for trauma recovery.  [3:54] Dr. O’Flaherty is celebrating 47 years of personal recovery.  [5:40] The archetype of the wounded healer.  [7:31] Integrating all of our experiences is an essential part of becoming whole.  [9:18] Trauma happens outside an individual’s coping skills.  [11:20] Trauma will not leave you alone until you do trauma work. [12:31] Self forgiveness is an essential first step to overcoming reenacting.  [16:44] Ancestral trauma can impact you and the next generation.  [20:42] My husband has been cheating on me. Why does ancestral trauma matter? [22:50] Incident trauma happens when an event changes a person’s entire life.  [25:45] The impact of combat trauma and prolonged trauma.  [28:02] The concept of trauma has been overutilized. What can you do to heal?    RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Dr. Geoff Goodman Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment Partner Sexuality Survey Dr. Johanna O’Flaherty Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.    QUOTES: “We’re all wounded in some form or another.”  “We have to take back those wounded parts of us that we want to banish out of our minds.”  “A traumatic event is so extraordinary that it is outside the individual’s coping abilities.”  “Trauma will not leave you alone. It continues to raise it’s ugly head.”  “We go into the vortex of the pain to take the power out of the memory.”  “That which is not transformed is transmitted to the next generation.” 

Dr. Rob and Tamara Cooper continue their discussion about codependency, boundaries, and the communal value of sharing your experience with others who have found themselves in similar situations. Tamara highlights the Empowered Women Retreat, a place for betrayed partners to heal in a safe and supportive space, as well as affordable options for healing for those who don’t have the resources for therapy.   TAKEAWAYS: [1:13] How does codependency fit into addiction and trauma betrayal?  [4:15] Addiction is a disease that affects the whole family.  [7:01] The model at Seeking Integrity is entirely supportive and judgement free.  [9:37] Setting boundaries is an essential step toward help and healing.  [11:48] Details about the Empowered Women Retreat.  [15:15] The communal power of sharing your experience with others.  [21:17] Where to turn when your spouse can’t be your go-to person anymore.  [27:25] Offering love to your addict can give them hope in themselves.  [29:05] Options for healing when you don’t have the resources for therapy.   RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Dr. Geoff Goodman Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment Partner Sexuality Survey Tamara Cooper   QUOTES: “Addiction is a team sport. You don’t just run the race, you drag the whole bench out with you.”  “If you haven’t walked a mile in the addiction shoe, I wouldn’t suggest you don’t talk about how the shoe fits.”  “When we set boundaries, that is the ask for help.”  “As addicts, they don’t feel worthy of love, and they can’t understand why anyone, especially the person they hurt so much, would still have love for them.  And that gives them hope for themselves.”

Dr. Rob and Tamara Cooper explore the isolating and painful blaming and shaming that betrayed partners often experience while their partners are surrounded by support. Betrayed partners often torture themselves by asking what they could have done differently to prevent their partner from acting out, and Tamara has an answer for that. Her passion for supporting betrayed partners is obvious and genuine, and she offers a glimpse into the hope and healing that can be yours if you allow it.    TAKEAWAYS: [1:20] A little bit about Tamara and her work with betrayal trauma. [5:10] Normalizing betrayal is a central focus of Tamara’s work.  [8:34] ‘I should have’... Betrayed partners have to stop wondering what they could have done differently.  [12:05] Why can’t I stop blaming myself for my partner’s betrayal?  [14:20] The choices that your partner makes has nothing to do with you.  [16:51] Anger, control, and self-doubt are a dangerous combination in recovery.  [20:40] Unhealthy and extreme behaviors in the betrayed are an attempt to make sense of something that doesn’t make sense.  [23:31] Isolation is a painful and common side effect of betrayal.  [27:52] An overview of Tamara’s interactions with the betrayed partners that she supports.    RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Dr. Geoff Goodman Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment Partner Sexuality Survey Tamara Cooper   QUOTES: “After betrayal, but it’s normal to feel like you’re losing your mind.”  “I am carefully and slowly speaking logic into where the core belief system has been derailed.”  “Betrayal is a disease that doesn’t make any sense, and it’s maddening.”  “We are born wanting to connect with someone else, and when you are out there by yourself, if someone pulls alongside you and sticks their arm out, you hold on for dear life.” 

Dr. Rob and Tami share what a couple can expect when they sit down and talk with Dr. Rob in person or over Zoom when they are ready to address their infidelity and addiction issues. How do you know if a residential treatment is right for you? What do you do when your spouse still continues to lie to you after formal disclosure? All these questions answered, and more!    TAKEAWAYS: [0:45] How long does it take to rewire a porn-addicted mind?  [4:50] Addicts think, ‘they can’t live without this’ but when they take a pause they realize that they didn’t die. That they can push through.  [6:45] My husband said he’d be honest about the affairs going forward. This has been a complete lie. Where do I go from here?  [8:45] Whatever you do, don’t give up on you.  [14:15] Unfortunately, you may never get what you want from that person.  [20:25] I fluctuate between me being a horrible person vs. me being a good person that just did a horrible thing. How can I differentiate? [25:55] I struggle to take ownership. Not sure what I should do?  [34:25] If you have a question about your spouse’s addiction, write it down. Collect them, and then sit down at a scheduled time and talk about them.  [37:45] How do you know if residential treatment makes sense for you? [45:00] What does it mean to do a consultation with Dr. Rob?    RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: [email protected] Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss   QUOTES “The brain doesn’t get rewired, it’s not a motherboard, but it does adapt.” “You’re getting the kind of message that you have to work on your own life and what you want from the other person, you may never get; as much as you deserve it.” “Guilt is a good thing. Healthy guilt I made a mistake, I need to go back and fix it. Guilt is good information.”