A Man's Guide To Avoidant Attachment

Talking points: psychology, shame, mindset Trying so hard not to reference the bell ringing lady in Game of Thrones right now. Seriously though, a lot of us let shame run our lives. There are legitimate reasons why, but it doesn't have to stay that way. Listen in for how it starts, why it's so hard to clear, and ten (yes, ten!) thing you can do to break free. (00:00:00) - Intro and how to better define shame (00:03:30) - Why shame is so hard to get rid of: it’s natural, and its has a somatic component (00:08:16) - It also can reinforce trauma. Here’s how they get connected (00:13:52) - Shame as a source of safety (00:18:36) - Understanding the physical side of shame (00:23:21) - What does NOT help (00:25:51) - When to seek professional help (00:26:59) - Ten ways to move through shame. First one? Use curiosity to challenge it (00:30:32) - Mindfulness skills, reframing, and separating personhood from behaviour (00:35:00) - Putting the same in context, treating as a belief vs identity, and putting blame where it belongs (00:40:01) - Finding an alternative story, and practicing expressing boundaries and assertiveness *** Build brotherhood in person. Join a Men's Weekend Pick up my book, Men's Work: A Practical Guide To Face Your Darkness, End Self-Sabotage, And Find Freedom: https://mantalks.com/mens-work-book/ Check out some free resources: How To Quit Porn | Anger Meditation | How To Lead In Your Relationship Build brotherhood with a powerful group of like-minded men from around the world. Check out The Alliance.  Enjoy the podcast? If so, please leave a review on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or Podchaser. It helps us get into the ears of new listeners, expand the ManTalks Community, and help others find the tools and training they’re looking for. And don't forget to subscribe on Apple Podcasts | Google Podcasts | Spotify For more episodes, visit us at ManTalks.com | Facebook | Instagram | Twitter Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Talking points: masculinity, culture, mindset We've had a lot of new listeners recently, and this interview deserves a ton of attention. Jason's words and work are powerful examples of how important men's work can be. This is a re-release of one of my favorite interviews, one of the most impactful stories, and worth every minute. Dig in for thoughts on comprehensive masculinity, the dangers of "grindset", and so much more. (00:00:00) - Intro and Jason’s defining moment (00:07:45) - The video that got Jason global attention (00:13:22) - Defining “emotional incarceration” and its devastating effect on men (00:18:58) - Why do some men have such an aversion to rest and replenishment? (00:24:52) - How Jason got into martial arts, and how he uses it to support young men (00:33:54) - On the importance and teaching of defeat Jason Wilson is the founder and CEO of the Yunion (pronounced union), a non-profit youth development organization in Detroit Michigan. Since 2003, the Yunion has effectively reached more than 15,000 youth and young adults through innovative prevention programming, trauma-informed care, parental engagement, and counseling. In 2008, Mr. Wilson’s heart for fatherless and misguided black boys inspired him to create and direct the Cave of Adullam Transformational Training Academy (CATTA). As an expert in Emotional Stability Training®, Wilson’s leadership has garnered the CATTA numerous acknowledgments and awards for his work teaching males how to introspectively confront and conquer their negative emotions with composure. In 2016, one of the CATTA’s videos went viral with over 80 million views worldwide. As a result, Mr. Wilson was invited to be a guest on the Dr. Oz Show and to present the CATTA at President Obama’s ‘My Brother’s Keeper’ Showcase at the White House. Later that year, NBC’s hit TV show ‘This Is Us’ was so inspired by Wilson’s work, that they featured the CATTA’s initiation ceremony in one of their most viewed and award winning episodes. In 2018, Mr. Wilson signed with actor/producer Laurence Fishburne’s film company Cinema Gypsy to produce a documentary film on Jason’s work with the CATTA. It is scheduled to be released in 2021. Mr. Wilson has over 25 years of martial arts experience, in addition to over 16 years of training and developing young black males. Mr. Wilson is a man of the Most High, a faithful husband of over 22 years and a proud father of two beautiful children. Connect with Jason -Website: https://mrjasonwilson.com/ -Book, "Battle Cry": https://www.amazon.com/dp/1400226996 -The Yunion: https://theyunion.org/ -The Cave of Adullam Transformational Academy: https://mrjasonwilson.com/catta/ -Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/mrjasonowilson/ -Twitter: https://twitter.com/mrjasonowilson -Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/mrjasonowilson -Book, "Cry Like A Man": https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B07G1YJ7DZ/ *** Build brotherhood in person. Join a Men's Weekend Pick up my book, Men's Work: A Practical Guide To Face Your Darkness, End Self-Sabotage, And Find Freedom: https://mantalks.com/mens-work-book/ Check out some free resources: How To Quit Porn | Anger Meditation | How To Lead In Your Relationship Build brotherhood with a powerful group of like-minded men from around the world. Check out The Alliance.  Enjoy the podcast? If so, please leave a review on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or Podchaser. It helps us get into the ears of new listeners, expand the ManTalks Community, and help others find the tools and training they’re looking for. And don't forget to subscribe on Apple Podcasts | Google Podcasts | Spotify For more episodes, visit us at ManTalks.com | Facebook | Instagram | Twitter Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Talking points: attachment, relationships Got a LOT of requests for this one! Relationships between anxious attachment and avoidant attachment folks are actually quite common. They can also be extremely tough. Listen in for what they're like, why the patterns are hard to break, and how to move towards a secure, grounded partnership. (00:00:00) - Intro, what characterizes the anxious-avoidant dance, and why there’s no “villain” (00:04:08) - Why that dance is so strong (00:08:28) - Examples of the anxious-avoidant dynamic (00:12:58) - Can anxious-avoidant relationships actually work, how to know if it won’t, and how to END the dance (00:16:56) - The “protest and punishment” behaviors, and how to self-identify if you’re the anxious partner (00:21:23) - How to self-identify if you’re the avoidant one (00:27:05) - So what do you to? Tips for the anxious (00:33:05) - Tips for the avoidant (00:38:19) - What to do together *** Build brotherhood in person. Join a Men's Weekend Pick up my book, Men's Work: A Practical Guide To Face Your Darkness, End Self-Sabotage, And Find Freedom: https://mantalks.com/mens-work-book/ Check out some free resources: How To Quit Porn | Anger Meditation | How To Lead In Your Relationship Build brotherhood with a powerful group of like-minded men from around the world. Check out The Alliance.  Enjoy the podcast? If so, please leave a review on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or Podchaser. It helps us get into the ears of new listeners, expand the ManTalks Community, and help others find the tools and training they’re looking for. And don't forget to subscribe on Apple Podcasts | Google Podcasts | Spotify For more episodes, visit us at ManTalks.com | Facebook | Instagram | Twitter Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Talking points: relationships, culture, sex, security, family I'm lucky to be interviewing experts in all kinds of fields, but it is consistently enjoyable to dig deep into relationships. What keeps the spark, how couples navigate conflict, and how people can with together to create secure and thriving partnership. Trevor's been at it for a long while, and his gentle yet firm approach is something to be respected. If you're with someone, pull this up and have a listen! (00:00:00) - Intro, and what is the “secret formula” for a successful love life, and what causes good sex in a bad relationship? (00:07:42) - How do you move out of attracting insecure relationships?  (00:12:57) - What can a secure person or couple do to combat potential boredom with a relationship? How can security be sexy? (00:18:43) - The importance of spontaneity for relational satisfaction (00:21:54) - How do you support a partner through fears and insecurities around relationships deepening? (00:27:35) - Navigating criticism, because you can’t criticize your way to a better relationship (00:37:44) - Why Trevor chose to have kids (00:42:43) - Why self-compassion is important, and what it really looks like in action (00:54:33) - Trevor’s thoughts on how to figure out who you really are (00:59:49) - On sharing your relationship and family events online, and why Trevor and his wife kiss in the rain (01:05:38) - What Trevor does to maintain spark in his marriage Trevor Hanson is a licensed marital and family therapist specializing in EFT, or emotionally focused therapy. Combining the depth of a therapist with the pratical guidance of a coach, Trevor works to bring empathy, acceptance, fun and gentle accountability to therapy. You can find more of him on his podcast "The Art of Healing." Connect with Trevor -Website: https://theartofhealingbytrevor.com/ -Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/theartofhealingbytrevor/ *** Henson Shaving brought this episode to you! No more nicks, no more cuts—and best of all, no more subscriptions. Go to https://hensonshaving.com and enter MANTALKS at checkout to get 100 free blades with your purchase. (Note: you must add both the 100-blade pack and the razor for the discount to apply.) Build brotherhood in person. Join a Men's Weekend Pick up my book, Men's Work: A Practical Guide To Face Your Darkness, End Self-Sabotage, And Find Freedom: https://mantalks.com/mens-work-book/ Check out some free resources: How To Quit Porn | Anger Meditation | How To Lead In Your Relationship Build brotherhood with a powerful group of like-minded men from around the world. Check out The Alliance.  Enjoy the podcast? If so, please leave a review on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or Podchaser. It helps us get into the ears of new listeners, expand the ManTalks Community, and help others find the tools and training they’re looking for. And don't forget to subscribe on Apple Podcasts | Google Podcasts | Spotify For more episodes, visit us at ManTalks.com | Facebook | Instagram | Twitter Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Talking points: leadership, accountability, group settings, masculinity If you're thinking about starting a men's group, or just want to know what to look out for, this one's for you. With everything going on in the world, I want to dig a little into creating your own men’s group—or what to look out for if you’re thinking of joining one. Because the truth is there are legions of men who would benefit from belonging to something focused on the mutual benefit of everyone involved. Seriously. (00:00:00) - Intro, and five traits to look for in the men you want for your group (00:07:58) - Where most guys go wrong: lack of leadership, clear roles, and overstructure (00:09:42) - The right amount of structure, and consequences of too much victimhood and not enough accountability (00:12:31) - What are some of the core ingredients of a powerful men’s group? Number 1: some like-mindedness (00:13:54) - A clear purpose, and clear rules of engagement (00:17:04) - A culture of calling one another forward, and strong moderation (00:19:48) - Willingness to say (and hear) hard stuff, transparency, and confronting the uncomfortable (00:22:02) - An example meeting structure that works (00:26:42) - The Hot Seat and how to use it, and a closing ritual (00:30:14) - Be flexible to red alerts, and final thoughts on structure *** Build brotherhood in person. Join a Men's Weekend Pick up my book, Men's Work: A Practical Guide To Face Your Darkness, End Self-Sabotage, And Find Freedom: https://mantalks.com/mens-work-book/ Check out some free resources: How To Quit Porn | Anger Meditation | How To Lead In Your Relationship Build brotherhood with a powerful group of like-minded men from around the world. Check out The Alliance.  Enjoy the podcast? If so, please leave a review on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or Podchaser. It helps us get into the ears of new listeners, expand the ManTalks Community, and help others find the tools and training they’re looking for. And don't forget to subscribe on Apple Podcasts | Google Podcasts | Spotify For more episodes, visit us at ManTalks.com | Facebook | Instagram | Twitter Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Talking points: culture, parenting, psychology, lying Parenting has never been easy, but our modern culture adds a few extra layers of challenge and questions. Fortunately (and sometimes unfortunately, as you might have found out), there's a mountain of info online. This week, I sat down with the brilliant Dr. Aliza Pressman to dig into what works, what doesn't, what parents are facing these days, and how to sift through it all. Lots of great info here for anyone who's got kids or who's thinking about it. Seriously. (00:00:00) - What kind of landscape are parents in now, and what do you think they’ll face in the future? (00:11:15) - How do parents prep their kids for the onslaught that is social media? (00:14:43) - Defining executive function, and how to build an environment that helps cultivate it (00:25:03) - How do you help your kid develop good impulse control? (00:32:09) - The early stages of development: what’s going on? (00:37:56) - On learning how to manage discomfort, create safety, and the importance of roughhousing (00:53:03) - What does effective discipline look like for children? (01:01:00) - How to handle lying Dr. Aliza Pressman is a developmental psychologist with nearly two decades of experience working with families and the health care providers who care for them. She is the author of the New York Times bestselling book THE 5 PRINCIPLES OF PARENTING: Your Essential Guide to Raising Good Humans, and the host of the award-winning podcast Raising Good Humans. Aliza is the co-founding director of The Mount Sinai Parenting Center and is an assistant clinical professor at the Icahn School of Medicine at Mount Sinai Hospital. She holds degrees from Dartmouth College, Teacher’s College, and Columbia University. Aliza is the mother of two teenagers. Connect with Aliza -Website: https://draliza.com/ -Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/raisinggoodhumanspodcast/ -Book: https://amzn.to/3TNDhZ0 -Podcast: Raising Good Humans: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/raising-good-humans -Substack: https://dralizapressman.substack.com/ *** Build brotherhood in person. Join a Men's Weekend Pick up my book, Men's Work: A Practical Guide To Face Your Darkness, End Self-Sabotage, And Find Freedom: https://mantalks.com/mens-work-book/ Check out some free resources: How To Quit Porn | Anger Meditation | How To Lead In Your Relationship Build brotherhood with a powerful group of like-minded men from around the world. Check out The Alliance.  Enjoy the podcast? If so, please leave a review on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or Podchaser. It helps us get into the ears of new listeners, expand the ManTalks Community, and help others find the tools and training they’re looking for. And don't forget to subscribe on Apple Podcasts | Google Podcasts | Spotify For more episodes, visit us at ManTalks.com | Facebook | Instagram | Twitter Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Talking points: attachment, psychology, mindset, relationships Alright team, this is one of the biggest guides yet! There were a TON of requests to cover this one, so I happily obliged. This attachment style is also called "disorganized attachment", and I've worked with a ton of men who have it. So let's dig in on what fearful-avoidant attachment is, how it affects relationships, and how to move back towards something more secure, authentic, and thriving with easy, deliberate steps. (00:00:00) - Intro and defining fearful-avoidant attachment, and how conflicting it can feel (00:08:20) - Where this attachment style starts, and what makes it different from anxious and avoidant (00:13:19) - What does fearful-avoidant look like in a relationship?  (00:15:38) - What builds a fearful-avoidant style? Neglect and/or inconsistency (00:23:33) - One of the most important (and unspoken) needs of a child (00:28:19) - Parentification, one of the most common causes of fearful-avoidant attachment  (00:33:37) - More on what this looks like in a relationship: control, distrust,  (00:35:57) - Wanting closeness but fearing closeness, difficulty regulating emotions, and negativity (00:38:24) - On being disappointed by others, protection from rejection, and concentration  (00:40:02) - The big one: inability to self-soothe (00:41:40) - So what do we do? Two BIG steps (00:45:24) - On how to self-regulate/self-soothe, and starting with the breath (00:50:20) - Find someone to help you work with your hypervigilance (00:53:07) - Develop consistent connection with your partner (or with friends). Here’s how (00:56:53) - Build trust. Slowly. Over time (00:59:46) - Set boundaries with the fear-based thoughts in your head *** Build brotherhood in person. Join a Men's Weekend Pick up my book, Men's Work: A Practical Guide To Face Your Darkness, End Self-Sabotage, And Find Freedom: https://mantalks.com/mens-work-book/ Check out some free resources: How To Quit Porn | Anger Meditation | How To Lead In Your Relationship Build brotherhood with a powerful group of like-minded men from around the world. Check out The Alliance.  Enjoy the podcast? If so, please leave a review on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or Podchaser. It helps us get into the ears of new listeners, expand the ManTalks Community, and help others find the tools and training they’re looking for. And don't forget to subscribe on Apple Podcasts | Google Podcasts | Spotify For more episodes, visit us at ManTalks.com | Facebook | Instagram | Twitter Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Talking points: purpose, initiation, adversity, grief, culture It isn't always easy to find a sense of purpose or meaning in life, never mind feeling initiated into maturity. In these chaotic times, it gets even harder. This is a special compilation episode featuring four masters of finding humanity, clarity, and meaning in life. Their combined efforts have helped legions of people get a better handle on life and all of its twists and turns. Two of them are people I revere as elders, and three work with men and purpose on a regular basis. Featuring ideas from... -Lion tracker, coach, and storyteller Boyd Varty: https://boydvarty.com/ -Depth psychologist Francis Weller: https://www.francisweller.net/ -Culture activist Stephen Jenkinson (unreleased material!): https://orphanwisdom.com/ -Writer, teacher, and coach Rainier Wylde: https://www.rainierwylde.com/ -Purpose guide Tim Corcoran: https://www.purposemountain.com/ (00:00:00) - Boyd Varty on the role initiation plays in a man’s life—and what happens without it (00:16:20) - Francis Weller on why we need to (but can’t seem to) handle the unknown, failure, and grief (00:25:45) - Why the soul needs failure to find meaning, and how Francis runs grief workshops (00:30:35) - Given our current times, what does it mean to be a “generative ancestor”? (00:33:05) - Stephen Jenkinson on what defines and gives meaning to your humanity (00:39:47) - Rainier Wylde on how to find a sense of purpose in chaotic times (00:55:27) - Tim Corcoran on how to practically define purpose, and what’s often in the way (01:05:29) - Where does the “soul” fit into all of this? *** Henson Shaving brought this episode to you! No more nicks, no more cuts—and no more subscriptions! Go to https://hensonshaving.com and enter MANTALKS at checkout to get 100 free blades with your purchase. (Note: you must add both the 100-blade pack and the razor for the discount to apply.) Build brotherhood in person. Join a Men's Weekend Pick up my book, Men's Work: A Practical Guide To Face Your Darkness, End Self-Sabotage, And Find Freedom: https://mantalks.com/mens-work-book/ Check out some free resources: How To Quit Porn | Anger Meditation | How To Lead In Your Relationship Build brotherhood with a powerful group of like-minded men from around the world. Check out The Alliance.  Enjoy the podcast? If so, please leave a review on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or Podchaser. It helps us get into the ears of new listeners, expand the ManTalks Community, and help others find the tools and training they’re looking for. And don't forget to subscribe on Apple Podcasts | Google Podcasts | Spotify For more episodes, visit us at ManTalks.com | Facebook | Instagram | Twitter Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Talking points: psychology, mindset, self-talk This is one of THE things that blocks men from all kinds of growth and progress. An internal dialogue that is harsh, abusive, shaming, even cruel. Let's change that, shall we? If you or someone you know is constantly deprecating or talking negatively towards themselves, strongly encourage you to share this one. It's important. (00:00:00) - Intro, how prevalent a harsh inner critic is, and how nasty mine was (00:06:56)- Where does an inner critic come from, and how is it formed? (00:11:13) - Neglect and abandonment (00:15:52) - Trauma as an origin for a harsh inner critic (00:16:57) - “Dark motivation” and it’s useful but maladaptive power (00:23:15) - It damages your ability to appreciate or validate yourself (00:24:45) - What to do, what NOT to do, and questions you can use to find your inner critic’s origin (00:28:09) - Figure out what it wants (00:29:51) - Set some boundaries (00:31:34) - Repurpose the loyal soldier (00:34:31) - Build a relationship with this part of you *** Build brotherhood in person. Join a Men's Weekend Pick up my book, Men's Work: A Practical Guide To Face Your Darkness, End Self-Sabotage, And Find Freedom: https://mantalks.com/mens-work-book/ Check out some free resources: How To Quit Porn | Anger Meditation | How To Lead In Your Relationship Build brotherhood with a powerful group of like-minded men from around the world. Check out The Alliance.  Enjoy the podcast? If so, please leave a review on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or Podchaser. It helps us get into the ears of new listeners, expand the ManTalks Community, and help others find the tools and training they’re looking for. And don't forget to subscribe on Apple Podcasts | Google Podcasts | Spotify For more episodes, visit us at ManTalks.com | Facebook | Instagram | Twitter Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Talking points: parenting, children, attachment, psychology You may have heard me mention Duey before. He co-facilitates the ManTalks Men's Weekends with me, and his work is absolutely incredible. I was thrilled to sit down with him last week, just before our sojourn to Texas. We dive into all things attachment. How children and adults experience it, when it starts forming, and how my own son has taught me some incredible lessons on it. Also, listen in for Thunderbutt. No, I'm not kidding. (00:00:00) - Intro and Duey’s take on why real elders don’t seek power (00:10:08) - How do we begin to truly understand our partner? (00:15:49) - On the importance of curiosity and not assuming you know someone—especially your partner (00:21:28) - What are the building blocks of really healthy attachment? (00:30:52) - Attachment is somatic, and how children are inherently, incredibly sensitive (00:45:27) - What “interrupts” attachment? Duey Freeman, MA, LPC is co-founder of the Gestalt Equine Institute of the Rockies, director of the Gestalt Institute of the Rockies, and owner of his psychotherapy private practice. After teaching for 24 years at Naropa University he has decided to move in a more creative direction. Most recently, in collaboration with Kimberly Beck M Ed, he has created: The Coming Home Project and Relational Rewilding Retreats. A licensed psychotherapist, teacher, and consultant, Duey has extensive training and experience in gestalt therapy, equine therapy, family therapy, bioenergetics, and counseling with children and adolescents. Duey joined Naropa in 1992 and has been extensively involved in the creation of the Gestalt, Human Development, and Family Systems programs. He has helped to develop the Equine section of the Wilderness Therapy certification and degree. He taught for the University of Northern Colorado, traveling across Colorado teaching and working with schools systems supporting teachers to better understand and work with the children they teach. Throughout the year, Duey partners with professional therapists and skilled horsemen and women worldwide to provide psychotherapy, Gestalt Equine Psychotherapy, parenting and human development workshops, and Relational Horsemanship classes. Some of Duey's partners include Joan Rieger, Duane Mullner, Erika Friess, Megan Powers, Rosemary Wyndham-Jones, Rob Pliskin, Kristi Moon, Kimberly Beck, and Amy and Steve LeSatz. *** This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. Become your own soulmate, whether you’re looking for one or not. Visit BetterHelp.com/ManTalks today to get 10% off your first month. This episode is also brought to you by Factor. Chef-prepared meals made easy, made healthy, and hey, no mess after! Check out factormeals.com/mantalks50 for 50% off your first box! Build brotherhood in person. Join a Men's Weekend Pick up my book, Men's Work: A Practical Guide To Face Your Darkness, End Self-Sabotage, And Find Freedom: https://mantalks.com/mens-work-book/ Check out some free resources: How To Quit Porn | Anger Meditation | How To Lead In Your Relationship Build brotherhood with a powerful group of like-minded men from around the world. Check out The Alliance.  Enjoy the podcast? If so, please leave a review on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or Podchaser. It helps us get into the ears of new listeners, expand the ManTalks Community, and help others find the tools and training they’re looking for. And don't forget to subscribe on Apple Podcasts | Google Podcasts | Spotify For more episodes, visit us at ManTalks.com | Facebook | Instagram | Twitter Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices