Episode 322: Put Your Past In Your Past with Beverly Engel

Beverly Engel is back, and I’m so grateful to talk with someone who’s spent decades helping people break free from trauma-driven relationship patterns. If you’ve ever felt stuck in the same story - same red flags, different partner - you’re not alone. In this episode, Beverly brings clarity to the messy, courageous work of breaking free and putting your past in your past. Beverly is a renowned psychotherapist and author of 27 self-help books, including her latest, Put Your Past In Your Past. In this conversation, we get into how hard it is to break lifelong patterns, especially when you were never taught how to feel your feelings, let alone trust them. But that’s where the work is and that’s how we begin to change everything. Healing is messy. It’s uncomfortable. But it’s also liberating as hell. Here’s what else we discuss in this episode: What trauma reenactment actually is and how to begin interrupting the cycle (7:56) How to create a “triggers list” and begin connecting the dots between past pain and present-day reactions (10:51) Why you can’t heal what you don’t feel and what to do when the emotions finally surface (18:44) The fear of naming your trauma in relationships (and how to work through it) (40:08) Tools for building self-compassion and protecting yourself moving forward (43:40) Learn more about Beverly Engel: Beverly is an internationally recognized psychotherapist and expert on trauma. She has written 27 books on the related subjects of abuse, shame, and empowerment, including The Emotionally Abusive Relationship and Healing Your Emotional Self. Her books have been translated into many languages, including Spanish, Japanese, Chinese, Korean, Greek, Turkish, and Polish. She has a blog on Psychology Today titled The Compassion Chronicles and her writing has been featured in Oprah Magazine, Cosmopolitan, The Chicago Tribune and The Washington Post, to name a few. Resources & Links: Thank you to today’s podcast sponsor: Our Family WizardSubmit your questions here for possible inclusion in future Q&A podcast episodes Focused Strategy Sessions with Kate Phoenix Rising: A Divorce Empowerment Collective Beverly’s website Heal My ShameBeverly on Instagram =================== DISCLAIMER:  THE COMMENTARY AND OPINIONS AVAILABLE ON THIS PODCAST ARE FOR INFORMATIONAL AND ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY AND NOT FOR THE PURPOSE OF PROVIDING LEGAL OR PSYCHOLOGICAL ADVICE.  YOU SHOULD CONTACT AN ATTORNEY, COACH, OR THERAPIST IN YOUR STATE TO OBTAIN ADVICE WITH RESPECT TO ANY PARTICULAR ISSUE OR PROBLEM. Episode link: https://kateanthony.com/podcast/episode-322-put-your-past-in-your-past-with-beverly-engel/

Valerie Jones joins me for a powerful conversation about something so many of us need to hear: redefining what it truly means to be selfish. Valerie is a life coach, host of The Selfish Woman Podcast, and the author of the upcoming book The Selfish Year: The Power of Choosing Yourself, hitting shelves in September 2025. In our conversation, Valerie shares the transformative experience of her own "selfish year" after leaving an emotionally abusive relationship — a year that challenged her to get radically honest with herself and stop outsourcing her self-worth. We also dive into dating as a self-growth experiment (yes, really!), how emotional safety shapes our experiences of sex and intimacy, and why centering ourselves is not only radical, but absolutely necessary. Here’s what else we get into, in this episode: Why Valerie chose “selfish” as her word of the year and how it became a life-changing framework (5:38) What Valerie’s recovery from people-pleasing looked like, and how it shows up in her work and life today (15:26) Emotional safety is non-negotiable for sex and intimacy (25:39) How to start trusting yourself again after emotional abuse (32:25) Learn more about Val Jones:  Valerie Jones is a Life Coach for women who are ready to create the life they truly desire. She is on a mission to redefine the word selfish, and help women learn how to prioritize themselves. Through her proven methods based in neuroscience, Valerie has helped thousands of women create better lives and relationships. Valerie is host of The Selfish Woman Podcast and author of The Selfish Year: The Power of Choosing Yourself. She is known for her direct approach and relatability combined with humor and compassion. Resources: Thank you to today’s podcast sponsor: Wild PasturesSubmit your questions here for possible inclusion in future Q&A podcast episodes Focused Strategy Sessions with Kate Phoenix Rising: A Divorce Empowerment Collective Valerie’s websiteThe Selfish Woman Podcast Valerie on TikTok Valerie on Instagram Valerie on YouTube ====== DISCLAIMER:  THE COMMENTARY AND OPINIONS AVAILABLE ON THIS PODCAST ARE FOR INFORMATIONAL AND ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY AND NOT FOR THE PURPOSE OF PROVIDING LEGAL OR PSYCHOLOGICAL ADVICE.  YOU SHOULD CONTACT AN ATTORNEY, COACH, OR THERAPIST IN YOUR STATE TO OBTAIN ADVICE WITH RESPECT TO ANY PARTICULAR ISSUE OR PROBLEM.

If you’re stuck in endless loops with a high-conflict ex, Brook Olsen wants you to stop expecting them to change, and start changing how you respond. Brook is a Certified Parenting Educator, Divorce Coach, and author of The Black Hole of High Conflict. In this conversation, we get real about what happens when you stop feeding the conflict, why parallel parenting is often the only way forward, and how choosing not to engage isn't weakness, it’s clarity.  Plus, Brook offers a framework that isn’t just theory, it’s deeply practical and actionable, especially when the legal system or co-parenting landscape isn’t exactly on your side. Here’s what else we get into, in this episode: Why disengagement is a laddered process, and how to stay in it (8:50) The nervous system’s role in conflict and how to regulate your response (10:27) What conscious competence looks like in high-stress situations (28:57) The difference between co-parenting and parallel parenting (32:52) How to stop pushing back and start reclaiming your energy (36:10) Learn more about Brook Olsen: Brook Olsen is a Certified Parenting Educator with the International Network for Children and Families, a Certified Divorce Mediator, Divorce Coach, and author of The Black Hole of High Conflict, which offers perspectives and strategies for navigating a high conflict divorce. Brook’s knowledge of how the nervous system works and understanding of the role it plays in psychological and physiological reactions to trauma, conflict and anxiety brings a holistic approach to his work with families caught in the High Conflict cycle. Brook teaches classes in the High Conflict Diversion Program and trains instructors to teach the Program throughout the U.S. and Canada. He also leads workshops in communication for couples and is a peer consultant for fellow professionals. Resources & Links: Thank you to today’s podcast sponsor: Our Family Wizard Submit your questions here for possible inclusion in future Q&A podcast episodes Focused Strategy Sessions with Kate  Phoenix Rising: A Divorce Empowerment Collective Brook’s websiteBrook’s podcastThe Black Hole of High ConflictBrook on InstagramBrook on Facebook Brook’s Facebook Group for High Conflict Divorce Support  =================== DISCLAIMER:  THE COMMENTARY AND OPINIONS AVAILABLE ON THIS PODCAST ARE FOR INFORMATIONAL AND ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY AND NOT FOR THE PURPOSE OF PROVIDING LEGAL OR PSYCHOLOGICAL ADVICE.  YOU SHOULD CONTACT AN ATTORNEY, COACH, OR THERAPIST IN YOUR STATE TO OBTAIN ADVICE WITH RESPECT TO ANY PARTICULAR ISSUE OR PROBLEM. Episode Link: https://kateanthony.com/podcast/episode-320-the-black-hole-of-high-conflict-with-brook-olsen/  

April Worthington is a teacher, mother of five, minister, and author of The Debriefing Workbook: Hope and Healing after Spiritual Abuse. In this conversation, April shares her experience involving a retreat led by Lundy Bancroft, author of Why Does He Do That?, a book many of us have clung to in our darkest moments. April’s story isn’t just one of personal harm, it’s a call to action.  As a survivor of both spiritual abuse and high-conflict divorce, April recounts how her initial fan-girl admiration of Bancroft shifted into something far more troubling after an encounter that left her reeling. She shares what unfolded during and after that retreat, the red flags she noticed, and the courage it took to speak out despite the risks. I'm holding space for April as she brings forward not only her own experience, but those of others who have come to her with eerily similar stories. Her insight challenges us to re-examine what it means to trust "experts," and the danger in handing over our vulnerability to uncredentialed individuals cloaked in guru status.  Here’s what else we get into, in this episode: The red flags that emerged during and after the retreat (6:03) The emotional fallout of being targeted by someone seen as a “healing” authority (26:24) How April is building a support network for other survivors (28:35) Why separating the author from their work is no longer an option (36:22) Learn more about April Worthington: April Worthington is a teacher, mother of five, minister, and author of The Debriefing Workbook: Hope and Healing after Spiritual Abuse. Resources & Links: Thank you to today’s podcast sponsor: Wild Pastures Unbreakable – the Divorce Recovery Retreat, Sedona, AZ in April 2025Submit your questions here for possible inclusion in future Q&A podcast episodes Focused Strategy Sessions with Kate  Phoenix Rising: A Divorce Empowerment CollectiveApril on FacebookApril’s YouTube video: A Warning to Women- RUN GIRL! Lundy Bancroft is not your friend! A Cry for Justice: Lundy Bancroft is a Predator ====== DISCLAIMER:  THE COMMENTARY AND OPINIONS AVAILABLE ON THIS PODCAST ARE FOR INFORMATIONAL AND ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY AND NOT FOR THE PURPOSE OF PROVIDING LEGAL OR PSYCHOLOGICAL ADVICE.  YOU SHOULD CONTACT AN ATTORNEY, COACH, OR THERAPIST IN YOUR STATE TO OBTAIN ADVICE WITH RESPECT TO ANY PARTICULAR ISSUE OR PROBLEM. Episode link: https://kateanthony.com/podcast/episode-319-when-the-healer-harms-speaking-out-against-lundy-bancroft/

Dr. Kerry McAvoy returns to talk about what it means to heal from narcissistic abuse. Not just from an intellectual standpoint, but healing your nervous system, in your relationships, and in your relationship to yourself. Healing is not quick, it’s not tidy, and it’s definitely not linear. Dr. Kerry and I talk about how women have been conditioned to serve, to disappear, to manage the emotions of everyone around us just to maintain the illusion of peace. We explore what emotional fusion looks like, what healthy relationships look like, and what it means to reconnect with Self throughout your healing journey. Here’s what else we get into, in this episode: How and why so many of us learned to believe our needs are “too much” (3:59) Discerning between, “Are you being loved and respected or just useful?” (18:03) What healthy love actually looks like (spoiler alert it includes messiness and mistakes) (28:04) Healing doesn’t have a finish line and why that’s okay (29:35) Learn more about Kerry McAvoy, Ph.D:  Dr. Kerry, a retired psychologist and author, is an expert on cultivating healthy relationships and deconstructing narcissism. Her blogs have been featured in Mamami, YourTango, Scary Mommy, and The Good Men Project. In Love You More, Dr. McAvoy gives an uncensored glimpse into her survival of narcissistic abuse, and her workbook, First Steps to Leaving a Narcissist, helps victims break free from the confusion common in abusive relationships. She hosts the Breaking Free from Narcissistic Abuse podcast and offers trauma-related advice on social media. Resources & Links: Thank you to today’s podcast sponsor: Our Family WizardUnbreakable – the Divorce Recovery Retreat, Sedona, AZ in April 2025Submit your questions here for possible inclusion in future Q&A podcast episodes Focused Strategy Sessions with Kate Phoenix Rising: A Divorce Empowerment Collective Dr. Kerry’s websiteDr. Kerry on Facebook  Dr. Kerry on Instagram Dr. Kerry on YouTube Dr. Kerry on TikTok Passionate Marriage: Keeping Love and Intimacy Alive in Committed Relationships, David Schnarch PhD| ====== DISCLAIMER:  THE COMMENTARY AND OPINIONS AVAILABLE ON THIS PODCAST ARE FOR INFORMATIONAL AND ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY AND NOT FOR THE PURPOSE OF PROVIDING LEGAL OR PSYCHOLOGICAL ADVICE.  YOU SHOULD CONTACT AN ATTORNEY, COACH, OR THERAPIST IN YOUR STATE TO OBTAIN ADVICE WITH RESPECT TO ANY PARTICULAR ISSUE OR PROBLEM.

Finding a partner after divorce can feel like searching for a needle in a haystack. This week’s guest, Jennie Young, suggests a bold alternative - burn the haystack. Jennie is the creator of Burned Haystack Dating Method, a method grounded in applied rhetoric and feminist praxis, designed to push back against the toxic norms built into many modern dating platforms. In this episode, Jennie shares practical, no-nonsense strategies for using dating apps more intentionally, treating them as tools (not lifelines), turning off notifications, and yes, burning the haystack. We also explore the common rhetorical patterns many men use on apps and how to recognize and respond to them when they show up. Tune in for an eye-opening conversation that puts you back in control of your dating life, no algorithm required. Here’s what else we get into, in this episode: How Burned Haystack Dating Method came to be and the story behind its name (5:22) The 10 essential rules that make up the Burned Haystack Dating Method (13:06) What critical discourse analysis actually is and how it can help you navigate dating apps with confidence (37:10) The rhetorical red flags to look out for, like “Test and apologize,” “Are you my mother?” and “Where were you on January 6th?” (38:58) Learn more about Jennie Young:  Jennie Young is the creator of Burned Haystack Dating Method, a dating method grounded in applied rhetoric and feminist praxis. It is designed to combat many of the challenges of dating in a market that is too frequently mediated by misogynistic and patriarchal structures. She holds a Ph.D. in rhetoric and discourse studies from Case Western Reserve University and a satire writing certificate from Second City Chicago. Her work has been published in McSweeney’s, Ms. Magazine, HuffPost, and others and covered by major media outlets such as The New York Times, Newsweek, RollingStone, and others. Resources & Links: Thank you to this episode's sponsor: Wild Pastures Unbreakable – the Divorce Recovery Retreat, Sedona, AZ in April 2025 Focused Strategy Sessions with Kate Phoenix Rising: A Divorce Empowerment Collective Jennie’s website Jennie’s Facebook Group Jennie on Instagram Jennie on Bluesky Jennie on LinkedIn Episode 309: Online Dating After Divorce with Alyssa Dineen DISCLAIMER:  THE COMMENTARY AND OPINIONS AVAILABLE ON THIS PODCAST ARE FOR INFORMATIONAL AND ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY AND NOT FOR THE PURPOSE OF PROVIDING LEGAL OR PSYCHOLOGICAL ADVICE.  YOU SHOULD CONTACT AN ATTORNEY, COACH, OR THERAPIST IN YOUR STATE TO OBTAIN ADVICE WITH RESPECT TO ANY PARTICULAR ISSUE OR PROBLEM. Episode Link: https://kateanthony.com/podcast/episode-317-burned-haystack-dating-method-with-jennie-young/

Nikki Tucker is back, and we’re tackling some of the most infuriating, and increasingly common, financial issues women are facing in divorce today. Nikki and I are arming you with strategies to fight back during divorce negotiations with facts and numbers. In this episode, we talk about how fear can make you want to just give in, and why that urge to "just be done" could cost you so much more than you realize. Nikki’s advice? Run the numbers. Know the math behind the “yes” and the “no.”  Plus, we touch on something a lot of us don’t want to think about, but need to: the unstable and uncertain economy. Nikki offers practical steps you can take now to protect yourself financially.  This episode is packed with straightforward insights and empowering advice to help you make confident money decisions today that will shape your future. Here’s what else we get into, in this episode: How to push back on unreasonable settlement offers by fighting fear with facts (5:58) What the unstable economy means for your post-divorce financial decisions (20:30) Crypto in divorce: when it’s worth fighting over and when it’s just a shiny distraction (28:49) Learn more about Nikki Tucker:  Nikki Tucker is a Speaker, Certified Divorce Financial Analyst, and Founder of The FIIRM Approach, a business dedicated to helping women overcome uncertainty and overwhelm in their financial lives while preparing for uncoupling or divorce. Through dynamic action-based workshops and on-demand digital resources, Nikki makes financial education practical and accessible to all women, showing them how to take control of their money, and create a new financial life post-divorce. Nikki firmly believes that all women deserve financial security, and is committed to reframing the divorce journey for women by reducing stigma and fear, and allowing them to establish and maintain financial independence, regardless of their relationship status. Resources & Links: Unbreakable – the Divorce Recovery Retreat, Sedona, AZ in April 2025 Focused Strategy Sessions with Kate Phoenix Rising: A Divorce Empowerment Collective Nikki’s website Nikki on Instagram Nikki on Facebook The Divorce Support Pack DISCLAIMER:  THE COMMENTARY AND OPINIONS AVAILABLE ON THIS PODCAST ARE FOR INFORMATIONAL AND ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY AND NOT FOR THE PURPOSE OF PROVIDING LEGAL OR PSYCHOLOGICAL ADVICE.  YOU SHOULD CONTACT AN ATTORNEY, COACH, OR THERAPIST IN YOUR STATE TO OBTAIN ADVICE WITH RESPECT TO ANY PARTICULAR ISSUE OR PROBLEM. Episode link:  https://kateanthony.com/podcast/episode-316-running-the-numbers-with-nikki-tucker/

Dawn Pick Benson, a self-discovery travel coach and writer, joins me to explore how travel can be a powerful tool for transformation, especially during life’s crossroads, whether it’s divorce, a faith shift, or an identity crisis.  When everything feels uncertain, moving forward can seem impossible. Dawn shares how travel became a catalyst for reclaiming her power, redefining her faith, and embracing a new identity. Her journey to Kosovo reveals how travel isn’t just an escape, it can be a path to deep spiritual reshaping and self-discovery. What you’ll hear: The pivotal moment when Dawn realized her marriage and faith no longer aligned with her true self (2:36) How travel allowed her to question and redefine her beliefs outside of societal expectations (11:49) Practical tips to make travel more affordable, even if you feel stuck financially or logistically (29:08) How the BRAVE Journey process helps women design meaningful solo travel experiences (32:09) The role of community and self-reflection in making travel a transformational experience (39:16) Learn more about Dawn Pick Benson: Dawn Pick Benson is a self-discovery travel coach and writer who helps women rediscover themselves and thrive in their second half of life through travel. Dawn’s small group coaching program, Brave Journey, helps women envision, plan and take their own transformational journeys. She also hosts retreats for women each year around the world. Dawn has visited more than 50 countries and has lived and worked in the Middle East and Eastern Europe. She’s a Global Ambassador for the Travel Coach Network, a Certified Cultural Intelligence facilitator, and her work and story has appeared in The Washington Post, The New York Times, Wander and TripAdvisor. Dawn splits her time between living in the U.S. & Kosovo, where she is currently working on a book about her own journey and the transformative power of solo travel after divorce. Resources & Links:Unbreakable – the Divorce Recovery Retreat, Sedona, AZ in April 2025Submit your questions here for possible inclusion in future Q&A podcast episodes Focused Strategy Sessions with Kate  Phoenix Rising: A Divorce Empowerment Collective Dawn’s websiteDawn on Instagram Dawn’s Substack Dawn on LinkedIn Dawn on Facebook  Dawn on YouTube DISCLAIMER:  THE COMMENTARY AND OPINIONS AVAILABLE ON THIS PODCAST ARE FOR INFORMATIONAL AND ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY AND NOT FOR THE PURPOSE OF PROVIDING LEGAL OR PSYCHOLOGICAL ADVICE.  YOU SHOULD CONTACT AN ATTORNEY, COACH, OR THERAPIST IN YOUR STATE TO OBTAIN ADVICE WITH RESPECT TO ANY PARTICULAR ISSUE OR PROBLEM. Episode link: https://kateanthony.com/podcast/episode-315-your-next-brave-journey-with-dawn-pick-benson/

What if divorce didn’t have to be as complicated or expensive? Liz Pharo, the founder of Divorce.com, is on a mission to make the divorce process easier and less stressful. In this episode, Liz shares how she transitioned from the tech world to create Divorce.com, a platform designed to help people handle the paperwork, planning, and even mediation in a more streamlined way. Liz and I talk about the different types of divorce, mediated vs. court-based, and why focusing on the kids and minimizing trauma is key. Plus, Liz shares how Divorce.com can save you time and money, the importance of working with coaches and therapists during the process, and why you need to be aware of sketchy divorce service providers. Divorce is never simple, but with the right resources and mindset, it doesn’t have to be confusing or exhausting. What you’ll hear: Liz’s journey from software engineer to Divorce.com founder (2:56) How Divorce.com simplifies the divorce process (7:57) The benefits of mediation and working with professionals (10:30) Why being informed about divorce options is crucial (26:12) Learn more about Liz Pharo:  Elizabeth "Liz" Pharo launched Divorce.com in 2022 with the vision of revolutionizing the way people divorce – offering a more compassionate and healthier path with less conflict and financial burden. Amid her own divorce, Liz founded Divorce.com to pave the way for individuals to access online divorce services at a fraction of the cost, as well as eliminate the taboo that still remains around divorce. The company's goal is to have couples planning to divorce first consider “Divorce.com-ing it.” Mediators then guide couples through the Divorce.com process to complete their divorce peacefully with mutual respect for both parties. Beyond her work helping Divorce.com reduce the time, cost, and trauma of the typical divorce process, Liz is dedicated to the growth and development of her own community and serves on the boards of the Economic Development Partnership of Alabama, Venture for America, and Blight-Free Birmingham. Liz enjoys running and spending time with her family at Lake Martin. Resources & Links: Phoenix Rising: A Divorce Empowerment Collective Unbreakable – the Divorce Recovery Retreat, Sedona, AZ in April 2025 Focused Strategy Sessions with Kate Divorce.comDivorce.com on Instagram Divorce.com on LinkedIn Divorce.com on TikTok Divorce.com on Facebook Divorce.com on YouTube Liz on LinkedIn Liz on Instagram Episode Link:     https://kateanthony.com/podcast/episode-314-streamlining-divorce-with-liz-pharo-founder-of-divorce-com/

Andrea Vacca returns to explore amicable divorce solutions, even in high-conflict cases. While avoiding litigation is often the goal, sometimes it's unavoidable. Andrea breaks down the benefits of staying out of court, how to keep children at the center, and when it’s time to shift from collaboration or mediation to litigation. Together, we also explore the power of a team-based approach and the role of a divorce coach, specifically how a coach can save you time, money, and energy! With her expertise in collaborative divorce and positive psychology, Andrea offers a fresh, empowering take on navigating divorce without court. You’ll also hear: The misconception that all high-conflict divorces must go to court, and what it really takes to stay out of litigation (5:08) Why mediation isn’t always the best fit for high-conflict couples and what alternative approaches may work better (8:53) The power of a team approach, including the role of a divorce coach in navigating conflict (11:20) Strategies for keeping children at the center of decisions (32:29) Learn more about Andrea Vacca: Andrea Vacca is the founder of Vacca Family Law Group in Manhattan, a boutique law firm focused on non-adversarial divorce and family law matters including divorce, separation, and prenuptial and postnuptial agreements. With a background in traditional divorce litigation, Andrea now exclusively helps her clients find amicable divorce solutions outside of court. She is a widely recognized collaborative divorce attorney and mediator, former President of the New York Association of Collaborative Professionals, author of the book Divorce Without Court: A More Peaceful Solution, and creator and host of “A Better Divorce” podcast. In addition to her law degree, Andrea holds a Certificate in Positive Psychology and recently became a Certified Positive Psychology Coach. Andrea regularly applies Positive Psychology principles in her work to help her clients navigate divorce, including having a growth mindset, being resilient, and encouraging mindfulness, helping them emerge stronger and more empowered. Resources & Links: Unbreakable – the Divorce Recovery Retreat, Sedona, AZ in April 2025Submit your questions here for possible inclusion in future Q&A podcast episodesFocused Strategy Sessions with Kate  Phoenix Rising: A Divorce Empowerment Collective Andrea’s website, Vacca Family Law GroupGet a free digital copy of Andrea's book, Divorce Without Court: A More Peaceful Solution Andrea on Facebook Andrea on Instagram Andrea on LinkedIn Andrea on YouTube =================== DISCLAIMER:  THE COMMENTARY AND OPINIONS AVAILABLE ON THIS PODCAST ARE FOR INFORMATIONAL AND ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY AND NOT FOR THE PURPOSE OF PROVIDING LEGAL OR PSYCHOLOGICAL ADVICE.  YOU SHOULD CONTACT AN ATTORNEY, COACH, OR THERAPIST IN YOUR STATE TO OBTAIN ADVICE WITH RESPECT TO ANY PARTICULAR ISSUE OR PROBLEM. Episode link: https://kateanthony.com/podcast/episode-313-divorce-without-court-is-it-really-possible-with-andrea-vacca