Permission to be Powerful Podcast

Dear Permission to Be Powerful reader,Raising your standards sucks.It’s a bittersweet feeling.Because I can see two futures depending on what I choose.If I settle…If I tolerate more than I should…If I abandon myself…If I let someone walk all over me and ignore my boundaries…Then I suffer.My mental health falls apart.I hate myself.I feel small.I feel weak.I feel disrespected.I feel resentful.I already know where that leads.But when I maintain my standards…When I hold my boundaries…When I refuse to settle for less than what I know is right…That also sucks.Because now, I have to face reality.Now I can look at you…And you look amazing.My body is screaming yes.Please.I want you.Bad…But my nervous system?F**k no.Stay the f**k away from that girl.She’s bad for you.She will use you.Every time you’re around her…You feel small.You feel weak.You feel used.You feel like an errand boy.You feel disrespected.There’s a power imbalance.It’s one-sided.She drains you.And if you mess with her…She’ll give you an amazing night.And then she’ll ruin your life.So now I have a choice.Because I know what tolerating disrespect gets me.I know what ignoring red flags gets me.And once you see the pattern…You can’t unsee it.You don’t need 5,000 days to confirm what you saw on day one.And it’s not just with women.I told my cousin I was at my breaking point.Not I was having a bad day…My breaking point.He responded with a sales pitch for his new AI software.Some people can’t see you.And if you don’t catch that early…You’ll spend years trying to be understood by people who were never capable of understanding you.I’ve been treated right.I know what it’s like.And once you’ve felt that…Settling becomes unbearable.So here I am.Alone.But honest.Saying no to the bad…So I can make room for the good.Refusing to abandon myself under any circumstances.Tony VEditor-in-ChiefPermission to be Powerful This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit www.antonvolney.com/subscribe

Dear Permission to be Powerful Reader,The Rochester Zen Center…Has a mouse problem.We’re losing this war badly.These mice are completely unafraid.The softies here at the center are out of their element.They hate killing.As Buddhists, we believe in living in harmony with all sentient beings.And the mice love us for it.Sometimes, I see them scurrying around in broad daylight.I’m remembering that old movie, Joe’s Apartment.Except the roaches are swapped out for rodents.Every night, I go to sleep…That’s when the stage lights come on…They start singing a number…And they line-dance over the counters.The next day, they leave a trail of poop behind.One staff member calls them “Fred.”“Should we leave a snack out for Fred tonight?” he jokes.Another imagines one mouse bragging to his friends about the team of professionals who cook him a five-star meal every day.Everyone here is a conscientious objector.Nobody will even eat meat.We’re far too kind-hearted to do what’s required.So the lethal options are off the table.No poison.No cats.And the traps don’t work.Dozens of them. All empty.It’s like they know exactly what it is, and they know to avoid it.Not even peanut butter tempts them.One night, I walked into the staff kitchen…And saw a mouse, ass up under the toaster…Eating crumbs like it owned the place.Like Nero at an all-you-can-eat buffet.I had seconds.I grabbed a towel.A box.It spotted me and ran behind the bread basket.I waited.It came out the other side.I dropped the towel, pinned it, grabbed it…And slammed it into the box.Caught.For once.I kept it there overnight.Nobody wanted to kill it.Of course not.If we let it outside, it would come right back.One guy offered to take it home for his cat.Fine.He gets home…Opens the box…Reaches for the cat…And in that tiny window—The mouse escapes.Starts a new life there.That’s how it works.Nobody does what’s necessary.So the problem survives.Then it multiplies.And eventually…It owns the place.We locked everything down.Tupperware. Sealed containers. No food in rooms.For a moment, it looked like we’d won.They got skinny.Then they found other food.At night, they slide under my door.I hear them scurrying.I wake up feeling violated.Like a burglar was just in my house.So I bought thick foam to block the gap.Now I hear them chewing at it.In the morning, there are bits of foam outside my door.For now, they haven’t gotten in.Nothing leaves me feeling more broke…Than having mice for roommates.TonyEditor-in-ChiefPermission to be Powerful This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit www.antonvolney.com/subscribe

Dear Permission to Be Powerful reader,I went on a date.Before it even started, I told her:“I feel nervous.”That was enough.She stormed out. Canceled immediately.And just like that, the whole thing collapsed.Not after a fight… Or anything dramatic.Just… the presence of a need.At first, you want to explain it away.Maybe she’s guarded.Maybe she’s not that invested yet.But then you look at the pattern.Every time I wanted anything at all…The answer was always no.Even when it was small.It was as if there was an unspoken condition from the start:I was supposed to show up with no needs.No friction. No weight. No interior life.Just usefulness.And the moment that wasn’t true?Everything shut down.I’ve seen selfish before.I’ve dated selfish.I’ve been married to selfish.Even then, there was at least a flicker of recognition.A moment where someone looks at you and asks:“What’s wrong?”Here?Nothing.Not once.No questions. No pause. No adjustment.Just a steady, unbroken focus on herself.You don’t need deep emotional support on a first date.But you do need something.A flicker.That’s the floor.And when it’s not there, something becomes very clear:For this to work… you have to disappear.Become wantless…Needless…Invisible.One minute, you’re abandoning yourself in seemingly harmless ways.The next, the other person has taken over your life.Because from the outside, it doesn’t look extreme.She can seem:SoftKindAttentive… to other peopleI’ve seen her across the room. Watching me. Smiling. Warm.From a distance, it looks completely normal.But up close?There’s no space for you.The mechanism is simple.Your needs don’t register as:“This person matters.”They register as:“This is getting in the way.”Not consciously. Not maliciously.Just… structurally.So something as small as:“I feel nervous.”isn’t received as connection.It’s received as friction.And the interaction ends.I could have played along.I know how.Be easy. Be useful. Don’t ask for anything.Be grateful for whatever I get.Stay light. Stay accommodating.Never shift the focus.And yeah—I could’ve had her.But I know what that gets you.Crumbs.Just enough to stay.And in exchange, you give up something slowly:yourself.You abandon yourself just by being in the dynamic at all.Some people insist on it. I’ve lived that.To the point where I lost entire years of my life.To the point where therapists told me:“That wasn’t a relationship. You were completely subjugated.”I moved countries.Disappeared.Built my life around someone who had no room for me.So when I see the pattern now—I don’t debate it.I recognize it.My body rejects it before my mind gets to have a say.Before I get tempted to go back to the familiar.There was a pull.There always is.She reminded me of someone I once loved deeply.Someone who treated me with quiet contempt.And my body still remembers that.But I don’t follow it anymore.So I didn’t chase.I didn’t escalate.I didn’t perform.I gave her nothing.Not out of spite.Out of recognition.Because the real decision isn’t:“Is this person good or bad?”It’s:What version of me does this dynamic require?And I’m not becoming that person again.Now, to be clear—This is my interpretation.She’s not here to explain herself.But I’ve spent years studying my own life closely.Because I had to.I lived in a world where people took from me constantly—and I didn’t even see it.Waking up from that changes how you see everything.These dynamics aren’t rare.They’re just quiet.Most people stay.They justify it.They hope.They wait for something to shift.It doesn’t.TonyEditor-in-ChiefPermission to be Powerful This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit www.antonvolney.com/subscribe

Dear Permission to be Powerful reader,Last October, I moved into the Rochester Zen Center.Since then, I’ve shed several decades of trauma. It’s a beautiful thing. I’ve spent more time on the mat than just about anyone.I’m so funny.I get a job as a janitor and they don’t even pay.I’m coming up on six months and I am eligible to get a “salary”$300 per month.And they work me to the bone.Up at 6 am for meditation in the Zendo every day.Brown robes, giant bell, the whole nine yards.We do chanting every day at the end of the first sitting.The cool thing about the chanting is…You drill Buddhist teachings into your bones.After a while, it imprints in your mind, and you unlock wisdom and insight. But there’s such a beautiful unfolding happening here.I worry that the outside world will tempt me away from this place too soon.Moving to the Rochester Zen Center has been one of the most worthwhile experiences of my life. Hands down.But you might not think so if you looked at me.In practical terms, I was a janitor for my first four months.They recently moved me to the kitchen.I’m a pot scrubber.Moving up in society. About 3 hours of meditation per day.Morning, noon, and night.Some insane results y’all.Insane.I’m seeing more clearly than ever before by a lot.I can see through people’s b******t in ways that I couldn’t before.I’ve never needed others’ approval less.I’m more authentic than I’ve ever been.And there’s a quiet strength about Zen.When you have gone as hard as I have…You see the world differently. Your motivations change.People see you differently.People are so noisy.I see their nervous tics.Their restlessness.There are some really interesting case studies.The common theme is the tiny trail of chaos they always leave behind. “Normal” people are…Angry.Hostile… Childish. Not everyone. Of course.But many.Most people are kids in adult bodies.People who don’t meditate tend to be addicted to instant results.My buddy asked me, “So, are you, like, enlightened yet, bro?”No.My sensei says, I’m changed.I asked her how.“You looked settled.”“More comfortable in your skin.”It’s true. This place has absolutely cleaned my clock.I’ve done about 8 or 9 7-day retreats.This is where we go to a secluded monastery, and we go full Buddhist monk.No talking ever.No reading.No tech. Just meditation and chores all day. 4 am wakeup mock tock. There’s only enough time to brush teeth, put on robe, and get a quick cup of coffee.Then we walk outside in our dope Zen quad. Rain or shine.In January, it might as well be Anartica. Pure misery.But no time to think about that, off we go to sit in silence for the next ten hours straight.The night ends around 9:30. We are eating like…As few calories as possible.Suffering on purpose.I skip breakfast. Three crackers and a bowl of hummus. Half a slice of bread and a tiny salad for dinner. One apple before bed. They never taste better.The first three days are always the worst.Your mind is fighting back.It has nowhere to run and it won’t go silently.Here’s your favourite doom spiral to throw you off balance.It’s behaving like an addict in withdrawal.Once your mind settles down, you can see the whole world anew.You see things as they are.Not as your mind tells you.You process decades of junk that’s been living rent free in your mind.This is the mother of all spring cleanings.By the end…You gained a decade of wisdom.You have a whole new lease on life.You’ve let go of so much b******t that’s been weighing you down.Often solutions to problems show up automatically.Just sit and wait. That’s all you have to do.Do absolutely nothing for seven days.NOTHING.No moving.Eyes shut.Not a peep.Nowhere to run or hide.Everytime I think I have this place figured out, I unlock some new insight that clarifies my life.I came to this place to seek refuge.My life was in crisis mode.I needed protection from the outside world. I never worry about gossip.I don’t have time to follow the news.I live life in a perfectly controlled environment.The retreat center at Chapin Mill, I like to think about it like a spiritual pressure cooker.The constraints are so severe that they force rapid progress. Something profoundly beautiful is happening inside me.I don’t know what.But I love the results.TonyEditor-in-ChiefPermission to be Powerful This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit www.antonvolney.com/subscribe

Dear Permission to be Powerful Reader,I burned my life to the ground.Again.Let’s review…The past two years have been the hardest of my life.Two straight years of nuclear winter.🥶It started when Tony Robbins fired me.I had no income…And yet, I refused to go back to freelancing.If I were going to pull this off, I would have to draw on every insight I’d earned over fifteen years writing for the best in the business.Everything.Keep in mind:I was a new immigrant.Freshly divorced.Alone.Not even an “in case of emergency” contact.The buck stopped here.No safety net.And I was a freelance copywriter in the middle of the AI apocalypse.There was nothing to go back to.So I locked myself in a room for a year.And built something that still humbles me.An email list of 93,000 subscribers.From scratch.While waiting to find out if the U.S. government would deport me.I was agitated as f**k.ICE was in the headlines.Kicking in doors.I felt like a fugitive.Because of a little bit of paperwork.I’m from St. Lucia.A small island.I got my green card in 2021.Divorced in 2022.That timing is not ideal.At one point my mindset was simple:I don’t care if I’m homelessas long as I’m homeless on U.S. soil.There’s a strange power in having nothing left to lose.When annihilation seems certain…You stop pulling your punches.You abandon every ounce of restraint… I understood what this mission required.I would have to be willing to go broke.Willing to lose everything.Because the thing I was building was going to demand everything.I pushed myself to the edge of sanity.Night and day, I thought about one thing:Growing my list.I was done selling my talent to someone else.Done waiting for loyalty from people who never believed it went both ways.Fifteen years working behind the scenes.This time, I would step into the light.To build this, I used every skill I’d acquired.When money dried up, I became a janitor at a Zen Center.I meditate for hours a day.It’s a strange thing to scrub toilets in the morningand write to tens of thousands of people at night.Some people here don’t understand it.One of them thinks I’m lying about the size of my audience.Everything I own is in storage.Every emergency fund is gone.Most of it went into building this list.Ninety-five percent of that money went into trial and error.Learning the hard way.I can’t tell you how hard it is to willingly spend everything you have on hope.My mind wants closure. I miss being a freewheeling dancer.And I have scrubbed more toilets than I care to do ever again. I’m down to my last few thousand dollars. Closer to the flames than I feel comfortable.The house is on fire.I’m still inside.But there’s hope.I have leverage.For the first time in my career.I set the terms.I own the infrastructure.I’m speaking without a client’s approval.No borrowed voice.No pretending to be someone else.No asking for permission.And I can feel the difference.I’ve finally begun monetizing it.I launched a Patreon called The Vacation Vault.I have 35 paid subscribers. 1000 pays for the lifestyle I want. I am close to securing my first paid advertiser - a former client, no less.For now, this is what matters:I built something no one can fire me from.To do it, I had to evolve.From copywriterto founder.Now the risk is mine.So is the upside.TonyEditor-in-ChiefPermission to be Powerful This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit www.antonvolney.com/subscribe

Dear Permission to be Powerful Reader,Imagine being this sick f**k.Imagine…You’ve spent your whole life at the very top.Invincible.Above the law.It’s even worse than you think. This motherfucker thought he could rape children and get away with it.He used all of that f*****g power and money that he never earned…To be a f*****g child molester.The chickens have finally come home to roost.These are the same people who built much of their wealth through oppression and enslavement.Yet the media keeps telling us to look up to them.That they are noble.But what if the guy we’ve been told for decades was a good guy…Was really a monster?No different than any predator on a sex offender’s list?By the way—I am deeply fascinated with people who experience massive swings like that.It’s not uncommon.It goes with the job.Big names with horrible endings.Kings who were executed or imprisoned:Charles I of EnglandBeheaded in public.Louis XVIGot his head lopped off.Edward II of EnglandMurdered in his jail cell.Maximilian I of MexicoTurned into Swiss cheese by firing squad.What do all of these people have in common?They lived lives you and I couldn’t begin to fathom.They lived above the law.What do you see when you look at Andrew’s face?I see a man who thought the law didn’t apply to him.A man getting a taste of reality for the first time in his whole goddamn life.This man sucked the Queen’s tits, bro.In his mind, his mommy “owned” an entire country. That’s how his life started.All your life, the entire world keeps telling you you’re special for no reason.You have an army of butlers and servants and guards. People worship the ground you walk on.Not because you’re special… Or talented…You’re not Usain Bolt or Whitney Houston…There’s nothing special about you.You didn’t earn your success.Your wealth was largely gained from looting and plundering other countries. You can have anything. Do anything. With no limits. Someone like that would have such a warped sense of reality. They could very well be insane.TonyEditor-in-ChiefPermission to be Powerful This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit www.antonvolney.com/subscribe

Dear Permission to be Powerful reader,The latest Epstein files released by the U.S. Justice Department contain millions of emails.Many of them come after Jeffrey Epstein’s 2008 conviction as a sex offender.These men knew.Some of them participated.And many of them were extremely violent.In a 2022 civil complaint, a woman alleged she was raped inside Epstein’s Manhattan townhouse by billionaire Leon Black.She says that he “bit her vagina,” Causing bleeding and excruciating pain that lasted for several weeks.Maria Farmer alleged she was held against her will in Ohio.One email claims that 2 foreign women were strangled to death and buried near Epstein’s Zorro Ranch in New MexicoThese allegations are starting to paint a dark picture.Peter AttiaLongevity doctor. Podcast star. Trusted by billionaires.Peter Attia is a famous doctor on the internet.He talks about living longer.Eating better.Staying sharp.He runs a massive podcast.Attia appears in Epstein’s files more than 1,700 times.“Pussy is, indeed, low carb.”“Still awaiting results on gluten content.”That same year, Attia asked Epstein what he was doing in Palm Beach.“Guess.”“Besides that.”Attia also wrote to Epstein’s assistant that he went into “JE withdrawal” when he didn’t see him.Gross. In 2017, while Attia’s son was fighting for his life, Attia delayed returning home so he could spend more time with Epstein.When Epstein bragged about his life, Attia replied:“Your life is so outrageous I couldn’t tell a soul.”Larry SummersLarry Summers ran the U.S. Treasury.He was president of Harvard.Yet, in March 2019, months before Epstein’s final arrest, Summers emailed Epstein about a woman he described as…“Coy.”Epstein: “She’s smart – making you pay for past errors.”Epstein asked Summers to arrange a Harvard campus visit.He agreed.Emails show Summers’ wife asking Epstein for donations.“My life will be better if I raise $1m for Lisa.”“Lisa” was his wife.Summers:“Your help changed everything.”Summers’ wife: “I’m going upstairs to hunt for my copy of Lolita.”Deepak ChopraMindfulness brand. Spiritual celebrity.Deepak Chopra sells consciousness.Inner peace.Privately, the tone was different.Epstein asked Chopra to help him find...“A cute Israeli blonde.”Chopra replied that Israeli women were “militant, aggressive, and sexy.”Epstein sent “two girls” to one of Chopra’s events.Epstein: “I liked watching you zero in on your prey.”Chopra:“I am not a predator, just a lover.”Epstein sent Chopra a news article about a woman accusing Epstein and Trump of raping her at age thirteen.Chopra:“Did she also drop the civil case against you?”Epstein:“Yup.”Chopra:“Good.”Les WexnerIn 1991, Wexner gave Epstein full power of attorney.In 1996, Wexner transferred his Manhattan townhouse to Epstein.Wexner later said Epstein stole at least $46 million.Leon BlackLeon Black paid Epstein tens of millions of dollars for tax and estate planning advice after Epstein’s conviction.Black has denied wrongdoing.Including for the “biting her vagina.”Yet, he settled his Epstein case for $62.5 million.Ehud BarakFormer Israeli prime minister. Defense minister.Photographs show Ehud Barak entering Epstein’s Manhattan townhouse with several young women.Bill Gates“To add insult to the injury you then subsequently with tears in your eyes, implore me to please delete the emails regarding your std, your request that I provide you antibiotics that you can surreptitiously give to Melinda, and the description of your penis.”—Jeffrey EpsteinAndrew MountBatten-Windsor…On all fours over a girl… Noam Chomsky…“I’m really fantasizing about the Caribbean island.’— Noam ChomskyPeter ThielEpstein gave Peter Thiel $40 million...AFTER his conviction.They didn’t stop.They joked.They coordinated.They scheduled.They asked favors.They accepted introductions.They took money.They moved money.They normalized.They treated a convicted predator like a friend.A pal…Motherfuckers. TonyEditor-in-ChiefPermission to be Powerful This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit www.antonvolney.com/subscribe

Dear Permission to be Powerful Reader,I f*****g hate wartime.But it sneaks up on you.Always uninvited.Before you know it, you can’t remember what the good old days were like.No more salsa seven days per week.No more dance crew.No more girlfriends.No more sex.No more money.No more fun.No more running.No more racing.No more running team.No more weekenders. Just me and David Goggins.With unending misery.There was the Great War of 2018.I found myself a ghastly fifty pounds overweight.That takes dedication.codependency.isolation.poverty.That takes an abusive relationship.Three long years of depression.Dark thoughts I can’t unthink.That took two hundred days of nonstop running.Weekly starvation.Chugging salt water to keep my appetite down.That took getting a handle on my finances.During wartime, you don’t get to coast.It’s wartime.Either you fight, or you DIE.You don’t want either.So you make hard choices.You get strategic.You create wealth out of poverty.Back then, I was broke, but I was ALSO burned out.F**K.One big breakthrough was when I changed my relationship to money.I didn’t understand the vicious cycle I created every month by mismanaging my money.New systems filled my bank accounts within months.Good always follows the bad.Nothing stands still.Not one thing in this universe stays the same.This can and will change at any moment.Everything changes.So will this situation.This is the season for building strength.The spring always follows winter.And it WILL be sweet.During wartime, you don’t linger over lunch.And apparently, everyone can see it.At the Zen center, at least three people have commented on how fast I eat.I’m always the first one done.Every meal.I’ve started skipping breakfast a lot of days too.I work through every single break.If I’m being honest, sometimes I find extra ways to get access to my computer so I can keep working even when I technically shouldn’t be.Because in war…There’s no time to waste.You find out who your real friends are.That’s one of the few gifts of this season.Right now, I can count them on one hand.You see who’s really in your corner.And who was just nearby when things were easy.Be strategic.Double down on self-care.Guard your inner space.Fight for every win.Journaling is always mandatory in wartime.You need to organize the hurricane of ideas in your head.You must think clearly.You can accomplish far more during wartime than during peace.Because you have to.Take inventory of every hour of your day.Do it every day.Trim the fat in your life.Proactively toughen up.War stinks.This time has a special stench.Normally, even when broke, I can still run and dance.Salsa parties are always cheap.Ten bucks most of the time.But this is grim.Because I can’t run the way I normally would.My running coach was my first paid member here on Substack.I can’t tell you how grateful I am for that.Especially right now.I’m sitting in my car, listening to bachata and staring at my running bag.Untouched for five months.Janitors don’t have time for running.Especially not Buddhist janitors.I feel like I’m in a movie or something.It’s surreal.I almost forgot to mention that part.I don’t get paid.Currently working two jobs around the clock.And neither of them pay me.I must be crazy.I took such a hard stance against freelancing I chose becoming a janitor instead.I don’t regret it.There are some crosses I’m willing to die on.And I’d rather die than freelance again.I would rather starve.Compared to freelancing?That’s just where I’m at.There’s another part of this wartime I haven’t really talked about.Burnout.There was a stretch where I only had about five good hours in me per day.That’s it.So I had to get ruthless with reality.I had to build a life that worked inside five hours.Not pretend I had twelve.That meant making fun a priority.Movement.Music.Anything that reminded me I wasn’t just a machine.It took me a year and a half, but my list is almost at 100k.It’s surreal having access to this many people.I feel like I built a giant stadium.And now, I have the place all to myself.When I hit send, I say —“Bomb’s away.”That’s how it feels.It’s still a work in progress.No, I’m not going to tell you how I did it.Not unless you pay me.And Goddammit, it’s about damn time someone did.Tony Robbins fired me for asking for a raise.After I made him millions.Everyone else took credit for my work.No bonus.No standing ovation.So I asked for more.I thought it was sound logic.Fifteen years in this game.I was trying to build a $200,000 per year freelancing business.The math worked.Until it didn’t.I didn’t think asking for a raise would ruin my life.Would send me into poverty.But unfortunately, I have principles.Getting fired when everyone else benefited from my work but me was a bridge too far.There are people who got out of freelancing and built seven-figure companies within a year.Can I do it?I don’t have a clue.But I do have a list of 84k people.An engaged segment of about 25k.And a Patreon with a handful of buyers and a growing free base.I’m winging it as I go.I had to acquire these leads through creative means.Which presents its own unique challenges.It’s like taming a bucking bronco.Mike Tyson was built during wartime.Even Buddhist monks have to go to their car to scream once in a while.I don’t recommend my lifestyle.TonyEditor in ChiefPermission to be Powerful This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit www.antonvolney.com/subscribe

Dear Permission to be Powerful Reader,Follow these instructions to the letter.Here’s my request:I want to know why you read this blog.Tell me in the comments.I can only speculate.But there isn’t much time.We were at 88,000 subscribers to my new mystery list.We’re now closing in on 100,000.But that may not be good enough.There’s basically no time left.There’s no manual for how to manage a list of this size.I’m figuring things out as I go.I’ve made big, dumb mistakes.I’m taking risks that may not pan out.But…As I was saying before…I retired from freelancing after Tony Robbins fired me.That was the last straw.Every single client is always the same.I’m done placing my faith in other people.I’m done waiting for people to do what’s right.What’s fair.What’s respectful.I’m not waiting for these hooligans to give me recognition for the hard work I’ve contributed to my field.It’s a dog-eat-dog world out there.I’m not saying f**k freelancing for everybody.Just me.Freelancing is a GREAT starter business:You’re broke.You have no network.You have no experience.Freelancing will give you connections and experience very quickly.The problem is that it’s a shitty business model.There’s no leverage.Some freelancers seem to be eating well.But the weaknesses of the model are unjustifiable after a point.In other words:Pay your dues.Then get the f**k out and build a smarter business.If you can survive among crooks and thieves as long as I have…You’ll learn.I got very good with people.I learned how to wine and dine.How to get into a client’s head.How to make them feel important.Like my number one priority.Juggling Tony Robbins with other clientsfelt like multiple girlfriends competing for attention.My biggest mistake was letting it slip that I had other clients.Sounds weird.But every client wants to be your number one.Nobody likes sloppy seconds.These people put me through it.In short:I went through hell…Until I became the Devil.I became the mythic copywriter they whisper about.The one who could massage a headline just right.Spin a new angle out of thin air.Spot the hidden weaknesses in ads and sales pages that were quietly costing clients a fortune.It’s sick.I started on Elance in 2011.I was so hungry that year, I weighed 169 pounds.I’m 198 today.I rotated three food banks to keep myself fed.I rationed food.I worked around the clock out of my bedroom.In the afternoons, I went to a beat-to-s**t public library.Broken chairs.Fluorescent lights.Wi-Fi that dropped every ten minutes.One day, a woman at the public computer next to me couldn’t figure out how to log in.She had a full-on nervous breakdown.Crying. Shaking. Talking to herself.The librarians had to come over and calm her down.I’m sitting in the corner trying to write a sales page that might decide whether I eat that week…This is what my office looked like:I had five roommates.I slept in my closet and used my bedroom as my office.I furnished it with junk the local college kids left on the street.That’s the environment I learned to perform in.Three years in, when I finally landed Ramit Sethi,it was the first time in my adult life I could actually:Rent a decent apartment.Feed myself.Have enough left over to eat at a restaurant once a week.I still didn’t have a car.I was still taking the bus as a college graduate.When Ramit fired me, I blamed myself.I locked myself in a room for three days.Didn’t leave.I wanted to die.I thought it was over.I thought I’d never get another real client again.I thought I was going back to Elance hell for good.Back to the people who nickel-and-dimed me.I worked with so many lunatics during those years.Those were some dark times.I didn’t even realize how many of them were scammers.I was hungry.I was trying to keep the lights on.One food bank in particular sticks with me.Every other Wednesday.Noon.Grocery bags in my hands.Standing in line for an hour or two.Waiting for:Tuna.Six eggs.Cereal.Milk.Produce that was a day from being thrown out.That whole afternoon gone just to get food.Because I couldn’t yet figure out how to charge enough to live.That’s what it took just to stay in the game.But I’m also the most tenacious motherfucker on earth.I had a third-world disadvantage.It became my secret weapon.Most of these people wouldn’t last a day in St. Lucia.This is nothing compared to the poverty I grew up in.But I also crossed paths with remarkable people.New York Times bestsellers.Forbes 30 Under 30 entrepreneurs.Brilliant minds.Experts in their fields.Charlatans alike.My first big client was Ramit Sethi in 2015.I beat out 200 other copywriters for that gig.It was a big deal at the time.People was talking about me on forums.I couldn’t even legally work in the U.S. back then.Unbeatable will got me there.Here’s the part that only hit me recently:Ramit paid me five thousand dollars a month.Ten years ago.When I was still relatively new.Fast forward to Tony Robbins.After everything.After Agora.After Neil.After going toe-to-toe with the best.After thousands of hours and battle scars.After proving I could generate millions.I was still working for the same damn five thousand per month.Let that sink in.Yes. I had several clients. But symbolically, I think that matters.I was still grinding for the same amount ten years later.I asked for a raise.And I was fired.Sight unseen.Blackballed.Publicly humiliated.After I had just finished making them millions of dollars.Apparently, you can work for the best in the world…And still be told you haven’t paid enough dues.That you’re “ungrateful”…“Entitled”...For DARING to have any aspirations above poverty.Everyone else had already taken credit for my work.Everyone else had gotten their Christmas bonus.I was still hungry.No benefits.No vacation pay.No 401k.Definitely no training.Nothing.Ramit introduced me to Neil Patel.Neil was the first real genius I apprenticed under.Three years.They gave me every job nobody else wanted.I had terrible boundaries.I was hopelessly codependent with my clients.They ran my life.The one and only time Neil ever acknowledged that he knew I existed…It was over a Zoom call that I agreed to take at three am.Three am.That’s how eager I was to get close to power.I sold myself just like a cheap prostitute.But I learned a f**k-ton.After Neil, I was a true professional.Neil didn’t last either.His crooked business partner picked a fight with me.I was happy to move on.Bittersweet.Being around these people makes you feel larger than life.They’re grandiose.Self-made entrepreneurs make you believe anything is possible.Sometimes they’re right.But the ethics of these organizations was another story.Unlucky for them, I have the moral clarity of a phoenix.I always hated saying, “I’m a copywriter.”Because copywriters are damn liars.Most of them.I’m many things.But I don’t lie.I hate lying.My father is a pathological liar.I chose the opposite.The other part came in my early 20s when I read Radical Honesty by Brad Blanton.I didn’t just like the book.I read all of his work.Even his ridiculous autobiography.That man has lived a life.An unconscionable amount of sex.I remember thinking:I don’t know if it’s all the sex…But this was a hell of a sales pitch, for what it’s worth.More importantly, it changed how I lived.In college, I cheated on my girlfriend.I sat on that lie for a year.The guilt ate me alive.Eventually, I came clean.From that point on, I made a commitment to myself to be honest.Then I became a copywriter.Oh, the irony.Here’s a quirk of capitalism I discovered:Almost every internet marketer I’ve metConflates making money with being moral.See how much money I made?I must be good.I must be right.At Agora, the legal department is as big as the copy team.Why do you need an army of lawyers to cover copy?Because they’re lying.Agora produces some of the best copywriters in the business.They were my Moby Dick.I hunted them.They laughed me out of the room more than once.In 2018, I flew to Lincoln, Nebraska, to apprentice under another well-known A-list copywriter.… This is a public episode. 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Dear Permission to be Powerful Reader,I was going to write to you about why I changed my name.NO TIME FOR THAT…I’m almost out of time.Let’s review…Why is Tony Robbins’ ex copywriter broke…working as a janitor?Surely, he could get a job most anywhere he wanted after that gig. Right?Yes.That’s correct.I could have easily gone to a seminar somewhere and shmoozed up to the right person.But after Tony’s betrayal, I told myself I’d rather STARVE than take another client.I was DONE waiting for someone else to anoint me.Many people feel threatened by your excellence.Nobody ever tells you that.Your brilliance can make others uncomfortable.Some lash out.They can take your strength personally.Some people benefit from you being small.They benefit from you doubting yourself.They can keep exploiting you.You decide you have a backbone and state your price.They take it as a personal attack.Not another human being taking care of their basic needs. This is the thing.Tony wasn’t even my best-paying client.He wouldn’t even pay in royalties, which was common practice in my world.S**t.This motherfucker didn’t even pay me as much as I made as a rookie at Agora several years earlier.I worked twice as hard for half as much.Then I got hung, drawn, and quartered for asking for a routine raise.It was so violent.So cowardly. I was so shocked to my core.I’d been an elite copywriter for years before he found me.He wasn’t my first celebrity client.He didn’t make me.Although he wanted me to think so.To keep me grateful for crumbs without complaining.I was tired of giving all that power away.I can’t believe I used to think 3% royalties were a big deal.What about the other 97%?This is the very definition of a poor man’s mindset.I worked 7 days per week for more than a year.Ghosted my friends.Gained 20 pounds.Started taking Prozac.Survived on food banks.I moved into my place of worship.I became a janitor.I became a monk.I spent every F*****G dollar I have…Granted, I never had that much. Still…Most people don’t know what that’s like.Betting everything on black.I made so little last year that I qualified for Medicaid.And I maxed out my cards.Have I gone mad?No.This is my ticket to freedom:This list… is about half the population of St. Lucia, my home country.It’s about 4.5% the size of Tony’s email list.Loud enough for him to hear.TonyEditor in ChiefPermission to be PowerfulP.S. If this work matters to you, paid members will see exactly how I built this email list of 88,402 subscribers—now on a clear path past 100k—in less than one year, from nothing, with no safety net.Permission to be Powerful is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit www.antonvolney.com/subscribe