Ep 188 Relational Life Therapy with Shane Birkel.

Zach sits down with Dana and Sean, a couple whose nearly 30-year relationship includes teenage pregnancy, early marriage, deep faith, repeated infidelity, and an extraordinary rebuilding process that reshaped their marriage from the ground up. Dana and Sean met as children at church, reconnected in high school, and married young after an unplanned pregnancy—long before either of them knew who they were or how marriage actually worked. Pressured by religious expectations and carrying unresolved childhood trauma, they entered marriage already fractured. What followed were years of struggle: emotional immaturity, financial stress, multiple affairs, and seasons where staying together felt impossible. Instead of walking away, they chose the slow, painful work of rebuilding. Sean entered therapy to understand himself before trying to understand his wife. Dana learned to confront her own patterns, pride, and expectations—anchoring herself in faith, presence, and radical honesty. Together, they rejected shallow answers and chose accountability, counseling, and humility. Now parents of four children (ages 26–16), Dana and Sean reflect on how faith became not a rulebook but a living presence—the “third strand” that sustained them when their marriage felt dead. They talk candidly about selfishness, stubborn hope, and why staying isn’t about endurance but about vision: building a marriage their children would actually want to emulate. This conversation is raw, grounded, and deeply hopeful—a reminder that resurrection is possible, even after years of damage. Key Takeaways Early marriage magnifies unhealed trauma – Getting married young without self-knowledge set them up for struggle from the start. Staying isn’t passive – Rebuilding required therapy, in-home separation, humility, and consistent effort from both partners. Self-work precedes relationship work – Sean learned that understanding himself was essential before he could truly love Dana. Faith as presence, not pressure – Their spirituality evolved from rigid rules to lived connection and daily surrender. Infidelity doesn’t have to be the end – While not prescribing staying, they show what repair can look like when both partners commit to real change. Love languages come from childhood – Sean gives gifts; Dana craves quality time—both rooted in how they were raised. Resurrection is real – A marriage can be “dead dead” and still come back stronger the second time around. Vision sustains commitment – They stayed not just for the kids, but to model a marriage worth choosing. Guest Info Dana is a marriage coach, speaker, and host of the podcast Rebuilding Us, where she shares honest conversations about infidelity, faith, and marriage repair. She is known for her commitment to authenticity and refusal to offer shallow advice. Website: https://danache.com/ Instagram: ⁠https://www.instagram.com/mrsdanache/?hl=en⁠ Sean is a firefighter who prefers life behind the scenes. His willingness to engage in therapy, self-reflection, and accountability played a central role in their rebuilding process. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Zach sits down with Justin and Kylie Coulson, parents of six daughters and co-creators of the Happy Families movement. What unfolds is a deeply honest conversation about failure, repair, intention, and the long road toward building a family culture that actually feels good to live in. Justin shares a pivotal early-parenting moment that became the turning point of his life: a loss of control with one of their young children that forced him to confront who he was becoming as a father and husband. Kylie describes the clarity she felt in that moment—her love for Justin alongside her unwavering commitment to her children’s safety—and how that line in the sand changed everything. From there, the conversation traces Justin’s radical career pivot from radio to psychology, the years of study and sacrifice that followed, and the birth of the Happy Families philosophy. Together, Justin and Kylie unpack what “happy” actually means—not the absence of hardship, but the presence of connection, safety, and shared joy, especially around the family table. They share the simple but powerful structures they use to stay aligned: weekly check-ins, quarterly retreats, and a three-question framework that replaces blame with collaboration. Through stories of totalled cars, hard choices, and repaired moments, Justin and Kylie show how families are built—not through perfection, but through practised responses, accountability, and love that stays bigger than the mess. Key Takeaways We always get to choose our response – Circumstances don’t dictate behavior; intention does. People matter, things don’t – Safety, connection, and relationship always come before stuff. Happy families are built, not inherited – Skills like communication, repair, and emotional regulation are learnable. Hardship doesn’t cancel happiness – Joy is found in meaning, not ease. Repair builds trust – Conflict isn’t the enemy; unresolved conflict is. Structure creates safety – Regular check-ins and retreats help families stay aligned. Blame kills collaboration – Asking “How can we support each other?” changes everything. The table is the vision – A family that wants to be together is the real measure of success. Guest Info Justin & Kylie Coulson Justin Coulson is a parenting expert, author, psychologist, and founder of Happy Families (https://happyfamilies.com.au/). He hosts Australia’s most-downloaded parenting podcast, The Happy Families Podcast, and appears on national television. Kylie Coulson is his partner in parenting and purpose, bringing clarity, steadiness, and lived wisdom to their work together. They are parents of six daughters, grandparents to one (and counting), and passionate advocates for intentional family culture. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Zach sits down with Kristan and Brook Seaford, a couple whose marriage was transformed overnight when Kristan contracted a rare and catastrophic infection in 2013. What began as strep throat and the flu quickly escalated into pneumonia, sepsis, organ failure, septic shock, and ultimately the loss of both hands, one foot, and part of the other—a 108-day medical ordeal across six hospitals that changed her life and their family forever. But what unfolds in this interview is not just a medical story—it’s a relationship story. Kristan describes the grief of returning home to a toddler who no longer recognized her, the ache of losing the physical abilities that once defined her identity, and the spiritual shift from fierce independence to complete dependence on God. Brook shares his own transformation as the family’s roles flipped overnight—learning to parent five children, run a home he once took for granted, and support a partner rebuilding her life. Together, Kristan and Brook talk about humor as survival, forgiveness as practice, community as a lifeline, and the unexpected gifts that emerged from unimaginable loss. They explore how their affection, partnership, and independence have evolved, how they’ve adapted to enjoy life together in new ways, and how their children have grown stronger, more empathetic, and more capable because of what their family lived through. Kristan now speaks publicly about resilience, faith, and healing—and this conversation demonstrates the courage and compassion at the heart of her work. Key Takeaways A medical miracle and a marital transformation – Kristan survived sepsis and organ failure, losing limbs but gaining a deeper sense of gratitude, faith, and purpose. Roles reversed overnight – Brook shifted from traditional breadwinner to full-time caregiver and household manager, discovering new respect for the invisible labor of parenting and home life. Anger and grief show up differently – She grieved deeply but rarely felt anger; he felt anger for her, mourning all that had been taken from someone he loved. Rebuilding attachment takes intention – Their 13-month-old daughter was terrified when Kristan came home—so Kristan slept on the nursery floor for months to rebuild their bond. Humor is holy – Dark humor and playful banter became a coping mechanism for both the trauma and the awkward social moments that followed. The story shaped their kids – Their five children grew more independent, responsible, and compassionate as they adapted to new family rhythms. Partnership evolves – Though physical limitations changed what activities they can share, they now intentionally seek “new fun” together—breweries, museums, comedy clubs, creative classes, and cruises instead of scuba diving. Her disability makes her a better counselor – Kristan says she isn’t a good mom, wife, or therapist despite what happened—but in many ways because of it. Guest Info Kristan Seaford Speaker, therapist, author, and survivor. Kristan shares her story of catastrophic illness, limb loss, resilience, and faith through her counseling practice and speaking engagements. Learn more at https://www.kristanseaford.com/. Brook Seaford Pastor, father, and caregiver whose perspective brings honesty, steadiness, and depth to the conversation. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Zach sits down with Karen Whitehouse and Helen McLaughlin, the married duo behind the cult-hit podcast Who Shat on the Floor at My Wedding? https://www.whoshatontheflooratmywedding.com/ What began as a deeply confusing—and slightly sinister—incident on their wedding boat (“the matrimonial turd,” as Karen lovingly calls it) became a three-year dinner-party story that neither of them could stop telling. Their friends couldn’t stop talking about it either. Eventually, with Helen’s wholehearted encouragement (and financial backing), the couple turned their whodunnit into a comedy podcast—one that later went viral, beat Joe Rogan for a week, and now brings joy to listeners around the world. Karen and Helen share how the project grew from a joke into a mission: spreading joy, escapism, and silliness during some of the hardest seasons of their lives. They talk candidly about infertility, grief, bad therapy, moving from Amsterdam to a tiny English village, and the emotional evolution that shifted them from distraction to genuine self-work. Their chemistry is undeniable: they tease each other, interrupt each other, apologize quickly, and know exactly how to hold space when things get tough. Together, they explore how detective work mirrors relationship work—don’t make assumptions, stay curious, pause your biases—and how “learning each other’s love languages” helped them survive both big heartbreak and small bickers. It’s a conversation full of heart, humor, British slang, and surprisingly profound insights about partnership. Key Takeaways Comedy and curiosity can transmute pain – Turning their wedding mystery into a podcast helped them process, connect, and bring comfort to listeners going through dark times. Don’t make assumptions – Their detective work taught them that bias blinds you… in crime-solving and in conflict with your partner. Joy is a choice – Both see “spreading joy” as part of their life purpose, especially after Helen’s grief and Karen’s infertility journey. Learn each other’s triggers – Helen’s fear of abandonment and Karen’s need for praise once clashed; learning their love languages changed everything. Apology is a superpower – A small bicker resolved quickly after Karen simply said: “I have to apologize.” Big life transitions shift emotional bandwidth – Moving from Amsterdam’s buzz to the English countryside forced them to slow down and actually feel their feelings. Avoid two bottles of white wine – Their worst arguments were fueled by it. (“Anything else is fine!”) Support > solutions – During IVF heartbreak, grief, and major transitions, what mattered most was showing up for each other with compassion. Guest Info Karen Whitehouse & Helen McLaughlin Karen and Helen are the creators and voices behind the global hit podcast Who Shat on the Floor at My Wedding?, a comedic documentary series investigating a very real crime from their own wedding day. Season 3 continues their legacy of solving listener-submitted “comedy crimes” with their signature unqualified-detective charm. They live in the English countryside, where Helen works in cybersecurity and studies forex trading for fun (yes—really), and Karen is on the cusp of becoming a full-time comedy-podcast producer. Their shared mission: spread joy, silliness, and a lot of laughter Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Marking the 400th episode of Marriage Therapy Radio, Zach takes the mic solo to reflect on eight years of podcasting, lessons from working with couples, and what it really means to be a grownup in your relationship. He shares behind-the-scenes insights from the recent three-part series with the husband and the wife (Ira and Andrea), explaining how their courage and vulnerability helped listeners see that change starts with small, consistent choices. Using their story as a lens, Zach revisits his two-part framework for relationship success: Be a grownup – Show up as your wise, mature self who can manage disappointment, own mistakes, and stay grounded. Do more of what your partner likes (and less of what they don’t). From there, Zach explores the miracle question, a therapeutic exercise that helps couples (and families) imagine what success looks like before it happens, and offers practical advice for navigating Thanksgiving, holidays, and the everyday moments that define marriage. He also reflects on his own reparenting journey through five years of sobriety, the lessons of risk-taking (inspired by watching football and realizing you don’t always have to “punt”), and the idea that “nothing changes if nothing changes.” This heartfelt solo episode blends gratitude, humor, and practical wisdom—a reminder that progress in love and life doesn’t require perfection, just a willingness to keep making your relationship a little better today than it was yesterday. Key Takeaways The two secrets to healthy relationships: Be a grownup. Do more of what your partner likes and less of what they don’t. The “miracle question” – Ask what it would look like if the next season (or even this weekend) went exactly right; use that as your roadmap. Nothing changes if nothing changes – Progress requires choosing differently, again and again. Be intentional with holidays – Set expectations, manage alcohol and boundaries, and choose gratitude. Reparenting is ongoing work – Healing old patterns is part of growing up emotionally and relationally. Change your relationship with risk – Sometimes you don’t need to punt; you can go for it. Better is the goal – Therapy, marriage, and life don’t have to be “all better.” Just better than before. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

In their third session, Zach shifts focus from reparenting the self to rebuilding trust, compassion, and connection in real time. The couple begins by reflecting on the chaos of parenting two neurodivergent children and how exhaustion, overwhelm, and constant caregiving have reshaped their marriage. The wife shares that while parenting has deep purpose and spiritual meaning, it also leaves her feeling “brought to her knees.” The husband expresses gratitude for their new home in Lisbon and admiration for her recent self-care efforts—but his words about “having more respect” land in a complicated way. What unfolds next is a layered conversation about respect versus compassion—how differently each experiences and defines those words, and how love can be both abundant and still “not land.” The wife reveals her fear that her “bucket has a hole”—that trauma keeps love from staying inside. The husband wrestles with the feeling of being both compassionate and exhausted. Zach guides them toward clarity: that differences in meaning, experience, and emotional wiring don’t mean disconnection—they’re invitations to co-create a shared vocabulary of care. By the end, the trio lands on a metaphor for healing: building an inner “city with a well and garden”. A healthy place inside the self where gratitude, curiosity, and compassion can grow. From there, they imagine a next step; ten intentional days of small, mutual choices to create a shared sense of safety and hope. Key Takeaways Parenting exposes purpose and pressure – Raising neurodivergent kids has deepened their sense of mission but also stretched their capacity for joy. Respect and compassion can get tangled – The husband’s expression of regained respect triggers the wife’s old shame wounds, revealing how love languages can misfire even when intentions are good. Compassion must land – It’s not about whether compassion exists, but whether it’s experienced and felt. Trauma leaves “holes in the bucket” – The wife describes how past pain can make love hard to hold, even when it’s generously offered. Shame cycles need space – Zach helps her imagine creating a small pause between shame and reaction—a mindful sliver that grows with practice. Safety over sameness – Each partner’s version of health looks different, but the shared goal is to meet in a “healthy place,” not to drag the other toward one definition. Gratitude and agency go together – The husband learns that his peace can’t depend on her choices; it must come from cultivating gratitude within himself. Ten-day goals – They agree to take small, concrete steps—ten days at a time—to make life together a little “more good” and a little “less bad.” Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

In part two of this couple's therapeutic conversation, they deepen their work from surface struggles into childhood roots, body awareness, and self-recovery. The wife describes crashing after the previous session, discovering that missed medication and hormonal shifts had amplified her anxiety. That moment, she says, forced her to confront how fragile she felt—and how much fear lived beneath her irritation and exhaustion. She opens up about being a late-diagnosed autistic woman, her lifelong role as “the feeler,” and the early trauma that shaped her relationship with her body. The husband, in turn, shares the story of his complex, multi-dad upbringing and the formative moment when he finally received consistent love at age five—the same age his wife’s world fell apart. Zach draws a profound connection between those two five-year-olds: one rescued, one wounded. From there, the conversation moves toward reparenting—the practice of showing compassion, guidance, and safety to the parts of ourselves that never got them. They explore how self-care, faith, and embodiment intersect; how sobriety means far more than avoiding alcohol; and how healing requires both personal responsibility and partnership. By the end, Zach offers his distilled “two-part secret” to a healthy marriage. The result is a conversation about growing up inside your own marriage—and learning to parent yourselves, together. Key Takeaways Reparenting heals the roots – Both partners revisit their five-year-old selves to offer compassion, stability, and perspective that was missing the first time. The body is part of the marriage – Hormones, trauma, and neurodivergence live in the body; tending to them is relational work, not self-indulgence. Sobriety expands beyond alcohol – Clarity, honesty, and freedom from distraction are part of becoming emotionally sober. Faith and embodiment can align – The husband reframes yoga and self-care as spiritual practices that connect him to others and to God. Self-care supports connection – The wife recognizes that when she prioritizes herself, she’s better resourced for partnership. Relational recovery is lifelong – True sobriety includes recovery from anger, resentment, and inherited family patterns. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

In this experimental therapy-format episode,  Zach meets with a couple, 16 years into marriage, parenting two adopted, neurodivergent kids, and living abroad, to model what real therapeutic work sounds like. The wife names “the mother machine” as the force grinding her down: menopause, recent moves, ongoing renovations, executive-function challenges, and hyper-empathy that makes parenting especially taxing. The husband longs for renewed connection and shared fun, and admits to a lifelong pattern of shelving his own needs while rationally “handling” crises. Zach frames the work around three questions: What do you want?  What’s in the way?  How do we work on what’s in the way? They confront the tempting but flawed idea that “if we fix one partner, we fix the marriage.” With candor and care, they explore grief, desire, changing bodies, and culture-shock; the need for boundaries (including a “pass rule”); and Zach’s three-year relationship cycles lens. The conversation lands on a hopeful truth: you can’t magic back year-one chemistry, but you can adapt, plant new trees, and intentionally build intimacy for the season you’re in. Key Takeaways Name the real obstacle, not the scapegoat “Fixing” one partner doesn’t fix a marriage; the work is defining what you want, what’s in the way, and tackling those obstacles together. The “mother machine” is realMenopause, moves, neurodivergent parenting, and hyper-empathy create sustained overwhelm that crowds out self-care and couple time. Grief and expectation both live here The husband grieves the imagined dad life (beach, bikes, sailing) and asks for shared play and energy; the wife wants legitimacy for how hard this season truly is. Three-year cycles require adaptation Long-term relationships evolve in cycles; thriving couples re-design intentionally every few years instead of coasting on year-one dynamics. Body autonomy and shame need careful handling The wife resists any narrative that her body must change to make the marriage “work,” naming past control and current shame as triggers. Patterns under pressure The husband tends to detach feelings, get hyper-rational, and become the “sacrificial lamb”; the wife over-identifies with others’ feelings and floods. Celebrate the 52% while tending the rest Zach urges maximizing what’s working now, rather than only grieving what isn’t, especially in harder seasons. Containers beat loops Without structure, they “circle” the same arguments. Boundaried conversations and the “pass rule” create safety and traction. Guest InfoSixteen years married, parenting two adopted, neurodivergent kids, and navigating major life transitions abroad. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Zach sits down with Kimberly Crossman, actor, writer, and mental health advocate, and Tom Walsh, cinematographer and creative producer, for a deeply honest and inspiring conversation about love, loss, and partnership across continents.The couple, who split their time between Los Angeles and New Zealand, share how they’ve learned to stay connected while traveling constantly, navigating pregnancy, sobriety, and creative careers. Kim opens up about her journey through depression, anxiety, and miscarriage, while Tom reflects on his own path to sobriety and emotional growth. Together, they’ve built a relationship grounded in curiosity, compassion, and the shared belief that love, like art, is something you keep creating.They talk about running a production company together, how they manage conflict as opposites, and why celebrating small rituals, like handwritten notes and monthly anniversaries, keeps them grounded even when life feels uncertain.Key Takeaways Connection through consistency - Daily check-ins, “good morning” and “good night” messages, and humor help them stay close despite long-distance stretches. Mental health awareness strengthens love - Kim’s diagnosis of high-functioning depression in 2019 opened the door to deeper empathy and communication between them. Sobriety is shared growth - Tom’s decision to get sober after years of travel and industry burnout reshaped their relationship; Kim joined him in solidarity and clarity. Creativity is their glue - Their shared passion for storytelling and visual art fuels both their work and their emotional connection. Rituals of love matter - Monthly anniversary cards, dinners, and handwritten notes give their relationship structure and playfulness. Conflict reveals care - They’re learning to balance different conflict styles: her need for words and connection versus his need for space and calm. Loss leads to perspective  - Their experience with miscarriage deepened their empathy, patience, and gratitude as they prepare for parenthood. Guest InfoKimberly CrossmanInstagram: @kimcrossmanKimberly is a New Zealand–born actor, writer, and mental health advocate known for her work on screen and her candid conversations about emotional wellness. Tom WalshInstagram: @the__tomwalshTom is a cinematographer, director, and creative producer with over two decades of experience in film and television.  Together, Kim and Tom co-run a production company focused on storytelling for small businesses, social campaigns, and documentaries. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Zach sits down with Mike and Kim Anderson, coaches and founders of Blended Family Breakthrough https://www.blendedfamilybreakthrough.com/ , to talk about one of the hardest relationship challenges couples face, making a blended family work. After marrying in 2001, Mike and Kim found themselves struggling to balance parenting roles, discipline, and loyalty in a home that combined Kim’s daughter from a previous marriage with their two biological children. What began as love quickly became a crash course in blended family dynamics, emotional triggers, and communication breakdowns. Now, through their coaching practice and podcast, they help other couples avoid the painful mistakes they made. They share key principles like “connection before correction,” learning how to define shared values, and understanding the emotional traps that can divide couples, like the trapped teammate and stranded stranger dynamics. This episode offers a roadmap for couples trying to bring unity, clarity, and compassion to blended family life. Connection before correction - Step-parents should focus on building trust and emotional connection before taking on discipline. Parent from partnership - Couples must agree on shared values and expectations before implementing household rules. The “trapped teammate” dynamic - Bio parents often feel torn between loyalty to their child and loyalty to their spouse. The “stranded stranger” dynamic - Step-parents may feel like outsiders in their own home when bonds between bio parent and child are strong. Define shared values clearly - The same word (like “respect”) can mean different things to each partner; clarity prevents conflict. Bio parents lead discipline - Children accept correction better when it comes from the parent they already trust. Hope is part of the process - Healing and harmony take time, but strong remarriages can model healthy relationships for the next generation. Founders of Blended Family Breakthrough https://www.blendedfamilybreakthrough.com/ , Mike and Kim are coaches, authors, and hosts of the Blended Family Breakthrough Podcast https://www.blendedfamilybreakthrough.com/podcast. Drawing from their own challenges and victories, they help couples strengthen their marriages, unite as parents, and build thriving blended families. Key TakeawaysGuest InfoMike and Kim Anderson Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices