How To Deal

Content note: This conversation discusses adoption, separation from birth family, racism and grief.What do adopted kids need from the people who love them?Eli Harwood talks with therapist Sofia Kent, who was adopted from China as a baby and now works with adoptees and their families. Sofia shares what it was like to grow up in a family where her story was visible to everyone, and why adoptees so often feel pressure to prove they deserve to be here.Together, they explore the “lucky” narrative that can leave little room for grief, what it means to straddle cultures and racial identities, and why validation matters more than reassurance when a child says they feel different. Sofia also tells the story of searching for her birth family as a middle schooler, what that search uncovered, and how to live with the pieces that may never be found.In this conversation“Compulsory gratitude” and the pressure many adoptees carry to be thankful and easy to love.Why “everyone feels that way” can miss what a transracially adopted child is going through.Educating yourself so your child doesn’t have to be the expert on adoption or race.Helping kids choose how to answer “Where are you really from?”People-pleasing, belonging and putting other people’s comfort first.Searching for birth family, partial answers and the grief that stays.Following your child’s lead when they want more connection to their origins and when they don’t.Sofia’s search is documented in Sofia’s Journey, a film by Changfu Chang. Watch the Sofia’s Journey documentary trailer.Find SofiaSofia Kent Therapy — therapy in Colorado and coaching for people outside Colorado.Sofia Kent at Attachment LabsAttachment LabsConnect with EliSecure Parenting ProgramAttachment NerdInstagramTikTokMusic by Gold Child.

Why can healing make the past hurt more?Eli Harwood sits down with therapist and author Kobe Campbell to explore how past wounds can shape our identity, relationships, and expectations of the future. Kobe describes the “paradox of healing”: as we experience more safety and connection, we may recognize pain we once had to minimize to survive.Together, they talk about making meaning without needing an answer to why something happened, finding agency when healthy choices still come with loss, and caring for ourselves when harm is ongoing. They also explore the difference it makes to have people who understand the context of our experiences—and how community can help us feel less alone.In this conversationHow trauma can affect the way we see ourselves and the world.Why a history of safety and a history of early trauma can bring different challenges to healing.Making room for grief without treating pain as proof that healing is failing.Shifting from “Why did this happen?” toward “What happened, and what now?”Finding relationships where our experiences are understood and our identities are celebrated.The role of witnesses, groups, and connection in the healing process.Kobe also shares her book, Why Am I Like This?, her OASIS retreats, and resources through The Healing Circle Therapy & Wellness Center. Their discussion of growth after trauma does not suggest that trauma is necessary or that suffering makes someone better.Find Kobe and the resources mentionedKobe Campbell and her book, Why Am I Like This?OASIS by KobeThe Healing Circle Therapy & Wellness CenterHealing Circle groupsThis conversation was recorded in July 2026. Visit Kobe’s sites for current retreat and group information; dates and availability mentioned in the interview may have changed.Connect with EliSecure Parenting ProgramAttachment NerdInstagramTikTokMusic by Gold Child.

Heather and Cody Baker join Eli Harwood to talk about pregnancy and infant loss, grieving differently as partners, and parenting through grief. Drawing on their experience of losing their daughter Blakely, they share how they learned to be with each other in their pain, make room for grief and joy, and carry their daughter’s memory forward. They also discuss practical ways friends and family can help, from caring for surviving children to remembering important dates and repairing hurtful moments.In this conversationThe Bakers’ experience of infertility, miscarriage, and stillbirth, and the early days of grief.How their different ways of coping affected their relationship, and what helped them reconnect.Making room for shared sorrow, laughter, intimacy, and ordinary family life.Moving forward with their daughter’s memory as part of their family story.Supporting surviving children while parents are grieving.Offering presence, remembrance, practical help, and repair as a friend or family member.These are the speakers’ experiences and reflections, rather than a fixed sequence everyone follows through grief.Mentioned resourcesUs After Loss: A Compassionate Path to Healing, Holding On, and Doing Hard Things Together — Heather and Cody BakerConnect with the guestsUs After Loss — the website shared in the conversationLearn more about secure parenting:Secure Parenting ProgramConnect with Eli:WebsiteInstagramTikTokMusic by Gold Child:goldchildmusic.com

Food can bring up a lot of worry for parents. How do we stay curious about what a child is experiencing when our first instinct is to fix what they are eating?Eli talks with Kathryn Garland and Vanessa Scaringi, co-authors of Hungry for Connection, about the relationships around food, body image and eating disorders. They discuss slowing down during difficult food conversations, making room for repair, and helping children navigate diet culture and online messages.The conversation makes an important distinction: an eating disorder is not proof of insecure attachment or a parent's failure. The guests discuss multiple contributing factors, including neurodivergence and the wider environment, and acknowledge the role of behavioral and medical care alongside relational support.In this conversationUnderstanding the feelings and needs that can sit beneath eating behaviors.Pausing to notice the worry we bring to a food conversation.Making space for repair when a moment does not go as we hoped.The guests’ idea of “messy eating,” with flexibility for real family circumstances.Bringing knowledge and body signals together, and asking questions about wellness claims.Discussing social media with children while keeping connection and boundaries in view.Mentioned resourcesHungry for Connection — the guests’ bookIntuitive Eating — Evelyn Tribole and Elyse ReschThe Anxious Generation — Jonathan HaidtThe Amazing Generation — Jonathan Haidt and Catherine PriceConnect with the guestsCALM CounselingInstagram: @calmcounselingatxLearn more about secure parenting:https://www.attachmentnerd.com/secure-parenting-programConnect with Eli:Website: https://www.attachmentnerd.com/Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/attachmentnerd/TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@attachmentnerdMusic by Gold Child:https://www.goldchildmusic.com/

]Why can it feel easier to understand everyone else than to let yourself be known?Eli Harwood joins psychoanalyst Dr. Galit Atlas to explore how childhood experiences can shape the ways we seek closeness, protect ourselves, and care for other people.Drawing on Galit's book Come Closer, they focus on three of its six childhood patterns: the invisible child, the chosen child, and the ashamed child. Eli reflects on her own experiences as they discuss emotional caretaking, the pressure to keep a parent happy, and the pain of a parent who did not show up.The conversation closes with a compassionate invitation: listen to the child you were without dismissing their experience, and seek support as you practice new ways of connecting.In this conversationGalit describes how becoming hard to see can protect a child while making vulnerability difficult later.The chosen child learns to prioritize a parent's emotional needs; that responsibility can continue into adult relationships.Eli and Galit explore the difference between sharing your story with your child and asking your child to soothe you.They emphasize noticing your impact and making repairs when a conversation becomes too much.Shame can grow from many experiences, including rejection and neglect; it does not point to one specific childhood event.Galit invites listeners to approach their younger selves with curiosity, compassion, and support.Guest and resourcesDr. Galit Atlas is a psychoanalyst and author. Learn more at her official website.Come Closer: Childhood Wounds, Adult Love, and the Secrets of Emotional IntimacyGalit on Instagram: @galit_atlasGalit also discusses D. W. Winnicott's observation about hiding and being found. The interview does not establish the original publication source.ConnectLearn more about the Secure Parenting Program.Attachment NerdEli on InstagramEli on TikTokMusic by Gold Child.

What do you do when you want to parent through connection and your partner keeps reaching for control? Eli talks with Kyle and Sara Wester about the years when they were on different pages, the moment Kyle began to rethink discipline, and the daily conversations that helped them build a shared approach.They explore the fear underneath controlling parenting, how to support a partner without taking over, and what mutual respect looks like with teenagers. Their stories make room for imperfect moments, honest reflection, and coming back to repair.Key TakeawaysKeep modeling the connection you want to build, even when your partner is not yet ready to hear a different perspective.Kyle shares how learning about fear and the brain helped him reconsider discipline and the parenting patterns he inherited.Notice when you are asking your children to soothe your stress, and make room to regulate yourself before responding.Brief, regular conversations can help partners understand the beliefs and expectations underneath their parenting choices.Supporting your partner can mean asking whether they want help and trusting them to handle a hard moment.Mutual respect grows through modeling, taking responsibility, and repairing when you get it wrong.About the GuestsKyle and Sara Wester are the hosts of The Art of Raising Humans. In this conversation, they share their experience as parents and counselors, including how they moved from conflicting approaches toward a shared vision for their family.Visit Art of Raising HumansResources MentionedParenting Together Workbook — Kyle and Sara’s free resource for exploring a shared approach to parenting; email signup required.Art of Raising Humans resourcesLearn more about secure parenting:https://www.attachmentnerd.com/secure-parenting-programConnect with Eli:Website: https://www.attachmentnerd.com/Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/attachmentnerd/TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@attachmentnerdMusic by Gold Child:https://www.goldchildmusic.com/

In this solo episode, Eli dives into one of the most nuanced — and most needed — conversations in the world of relational health: the difference between genuinely being victimized and holding a victim mentality. With warmth and clarity, Eli walks you through the key markers of each, why abusive people often claim victim status, and why asking this question of yourself is actually a sign of health, not weakness.Key TakeawaysBeing victimized and having a victim mentality are not the same thing — and confusing the two can keep you stuck in harmful dynamics.Claiming harm is not the same as being a victim — recognizing you've been hurt is an act of courage and wisdom.A victim mentality uses perceived harm to justify harming others — whereas genuine victimization leads you toward healing, safety, and self-protection.Abusive people commonly hold victim mentality — they often believe they are entitled to control and will frame any loss of control as being victimized.There is a critical difference between hurt and harm, discomfort and trauma — learning to distinguish them is one of the most important relational skills you can develop.If you're asking this question, you're probably not the problem — the very fact that you pause to reflect is a strong signal that you've experienced real harm, not that you're the one causing it.Victim mentality is rooted in developmental trauma — it gets passed down through families and is a signal that healing and support are needed, not shame.Resources Mentioned📖 Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft — A foundational book on the mindset of abusive and controlling people. Referenced in this episode for Bancroft's research on how abusive individuals hold a distorted, entitlement-based view of the world.Learn more about secure parenting:https://www.attachmentnerd.com/secure-parenting-programConnect with Eli:Website: https://www.attachmentnerd.com/Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/attachmentnerd/TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@attachmentnerdMusic by Gold Child:https://www.goldchildmusic.com/

Dr. Shefali Tsabary, Columbia-trained clinical psychologist and multiple NYT bestselling author, joins Eli to discuss her groundbreaking new companion books: Raising Conscious Sons and Raising Conscious Daughters.Together they unpack the unique, gender-specific wounds our children carry — and what conscious parents can do to protect and restore their children's authentic selves.Key TakeawaysBoys can only become empathic and vulnerable when they are first allowed to accept their own imperfections — teaching "limitlessness" is actually a disservice.The father wound is often invisible: a father can be physically present but emotionally sealed off, and boys feel that absence in their bodies.Mothers who over-function out of anxiety unintentionally send their sons the message that they are not trusted or capable — step back and allow wide spaces for exploration.The 7 Pillars for Conscious Sons: Regulation, Competence, Vulnerability, Sovereignty, Sexuality and Power, Belonging, and Conscious Masculinity.The 7 Pillars for Conscious Daughters: Voice, Embodiment, Enoughness, Anti-Fragility, Boundaries, Self-Authorship, and Sisterhood.Appropriate developmental exposure is itself a form of protection — gradually increasing challenges builds resilience.Toxic femininity — self-abandonment, poor boundaries, passivity — is just as real as toxic masculinity, and daughters need to be taught the difference between authentic femininity and its distorted form.Parentified daughters — praised for being "mature" — are actually losing their sense of self long before their nervous systems are ready.Connection is the most powerful form of protection we can give our children (Eli Harwood).About the GuestDr. Shefali Tsabary is a Columbia-trained clinical psychologist, founder of the Conscious Parenting movement, and multiple New York Times bestselling author whose work has been called "revolutionary" by Oprah Winfrey. Her new companion books, Raising Conscious Sons and Raising Conscious Daughters, release September 15, 2026.🌐 Website: https://www.drshefali.com/about/📚 Parenting Summit (September 8–10, 2026; check current access): https://raisingconscious.drshefali.com/summit/🎤 Book Tour Info: https://raisingconscious.drshefali.com/tour/Resources MentionedDr. Shefali's New Books📖 Raising Conscious Sons — Official book page📖 Raising Conscious Daughters — Official book page📖 Dr. Shefali's full book catalog: https://www.drshefali.com/books/Eli's Book📖 Raising Securely Attached Kids by Eli Harwood — Amazon | Publisher (Penguin Random House)Research & Studies Referenced🔬 Alleged Meta/Facebook deleted-selfie ad targeting discussed in the interview — Allegations from former Facebook policy director Sarah Wynn-Williams, reported by Futurism and covered by Yahoo Tech🔬 Brené Brown's research on vulnerability — Daring Greatly on Amazon | Brené Brown's TED Talk: "The Power of Vulnerability"Organizations Mentioned🤝 Big Brothers Big Sisters of America — https://www.bbbs.org🏋️ Boys & Girls Club of America — https://www.bgca.org🏊 YMCA (The Y) — https://www.ymca.orgLearn more about secure parenting:https://www.attachmentnerd.com/secure-parenting-programConnect with Eli:Website: https://www.attachmentnerd.com/Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/attachmentnerd/TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@attachmentnerdMusic by Gold Child:https://www.goldchildmusic.com/

What if feeling unworthy isn't a flaw — it's a memory? In this deeply moving episode, Eli sits down with NYT bestselling psychologist Dr. Marisa G. Franco to unpack the science of self-worth: where it comes from, why it gets stuck, and how you can actually change it. From memory reconsolidation and inner child healing to attunement, identity, and the power of community, this conversation is a must-listen for anyone breaking generational cycles.Key Takeaways• Worthiness = treating your internal world as if it matters. It's not about feeling superior — it's about validating your feelings and using them as information.• There are two types of high self-esteem. One comes at others' expense (grandiosity). The other — "Type C" — is compassionate, connected, and the kind worth building.• Memories are the database of self-esteem. They don't just record the past — they predict the future. That's why compliments feel threatening and success feels suspicious when we feel unworthy.• You can change the past — at the neural level. Memory reconsolidation research shows that revisiting painful memories and picturing a different outcome literally changes how those memories live in your brain, including in the hippocampus.• Stigma shows up as self-surveillance. People from marginalized groups often begin to see themselves through the negative lens of others — and the antidote is curating community and media that reflect more positive, affirming identities.• Attunement is the master skill. Listening deeply to yourself, your children, and your relationships — and allowing multiple realities to coexist — is the foundation of both worthiness and connection.• You don't have to feel worthy to be worthy. Worth is inherent. Self-worth is the felt sense of it — and that can be developed, no matter where you're starting from.About the GuestDr. Marisa G. Franco is a psychologist, professor at the University of Maryland, TED speaker, and NYT bestselling author. Her new book Worth: The New Science of Self-Esteem and Secure Attachment explores the cutting-edge science of memory, stigma, and identity to help readers build lasting self-worth from the inside out. She is also the author of the instant NYT bestseller Platonic: How the Science of Attachment Can Help You Make — and Keep — Friends.• 🌐 Website: drmarisagfranco.com: https://drmarisagfranco.com• 📸 Instagram: @drmarisagfranco: https://www.instagram.com/drmarisagfranco/• 📬 Substack: Attached by Dr. Marisa G. Franco: https://drmarisagfranco.substack.com/Resources Mentioned• 📘 Worth: The New Science of Self-Esteem and Secure Attachment by Dr. Marisa G. Franco◦ Publisher (Penguin Random House): https://www.penguinrandomhouse.com/books/784327/worth-by-marisa-g-franco-phd/◦ Amazon (Audiobook): https://www.amazon.com/Worth-Science-Self-Esteem-Secure-Attachment/dp/B0GGNPKM6S• 📘 Platonic: How the Science of Attachment Can Help You Make — and Keep — Friends by Dr. Marisa G. Franco◦ Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/Platonic-Science-Attachment-Make-Keep-Friends/dp/0593331893• 📘 Invisible Man by Ralph Ellison (referenced in discussion of stigma and self-perception)◦ Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/Invisible-Man-Novel-Ralph-Ellison/dp/0375507914• 📘 Entangled Life: How Fungi Make Our Worlds, Change Our Minds & Shape Our Futures by Merlin Sheldrake (referenced in discussion of humans as ecologies, not individuals)◦ Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/Entangled-Life-Fungi-Worlds-Futures/dp/0525510311• 🔬 Memory Reconsolidation Research (the neuroscience of updating emotional memories)◦ Springer: How Memory Reconsolidation Advances Psychotherapy: https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10615-020-00754-z◦ NIH: Reconsolidation Therapies for PTSD (Systematic Review): https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8417130/ConnectLearn more about secure parenting:https://www.attachmentnerd.com/secure-parenting-programConnect with Eli:• Website: https://www.attachmentnerd.com/• Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/attachmentnerd/• TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@attachmentnerdMusic by Gold Child:https://www.goldchildmusic.com/

Eli sits down with Eve Rodsky — Harvard-trained lawyer, NYT bestselling author, and founder of the Fair Play movement — to dig into the invisible crisis hiding in most partnerships: the unequal mental load.From the blueberries text that changed everything to a card system now translated into 27 languages, Eve shares why fairness in the home isn't just a relationship issue — it's a systemic one.This is a must-listen for anyone who has ever thought, "Why am I the only one who notices what needs to be done?"Key TakeawaysThe mental load gap is not personal — it's structural. Women shoulder two-thirds or more of unpaid domestic labor, and even the best-intentioned partners do 5–15 hours less per week once kids arrive.Over-functioning is a symptom of broken accountability and trust, not a personality flaw.The CPE model (Conception → Planning → Execution) explains why "going to the store" is only one-third of the work — and why standards aren't "too high" when you own the full task.Toxic time messages ("I should just do it myself," "I don't have bandwidth to teach him") keep women stuck in the cycle.The Fair Play system works for neurodivergent families too — because it's a system, not a reliance on internal motivation.The magic of parenting lives in the mundane moments. Sharing the load invites your partner into those moments — it's a gift, not a punishment.Fairness requires fighting — against cultural norms, school systems, extended family patterns, and the pay gap. Becoming a "cultural warrior" together is the goal.About the GuestEve Rodsky is a Harvard-trained lawyer, organizational management expert, and NYT bestselling author of Fair Play. After sobbing on the side of the road over a text from her husband about blueberries, she spent 15 years researching the gendered division of labor across 27+ countries. Her work has evolved into a full movement, a nonprofit policy institute, and a card deck used by couples worldwide.🌐 Website: https://www.everodsky.com📘 Fair Play Life: https://www.fairplaylife.com📸 Instagram (Eve): https://www.instagram.com/everodsky/📸 Instagram (Fair Play): https://www.instagram.com/fairplaylife/🏛️ Fair Play Policy Institute: https://fairplaypolicy.orgResources Mentioned📖 Fair Play (book) by Eve Rodsky — Amazon🃏 The Fair Play Deck (card deck) by Eve Rodsky — Amazon | Penguin Random House🆓 Free Fair Play Resources (nonprofit downloads) — https://www.fairplaylife.com🏛️ Fair Play Policy Institute (systemic advocacy work) — https://fairplaypolicy.org🎓 Darby Saxbe, PhD — USC Professor of Psychology, Fair Play research collaborator — USC Profile📊 USC/Fair Play Policy Institute Study (2024): The Fair Play Method: Can We Solve for the Unequal Division of Domestic Labor? — Read the research👩‍⚕️ Tovah Klein, PhD — Director, Barnard College Center for Toddler Development (quoted: "all bonding comes in the spaces in between") — Barnard Profile🎬 Fair Play Documentary (dir. Jennifer Siebel Newsom, Hello Sunshine) — https://www.fairplaylife.com/documentaryLearn more about secure parenting: https://www.attachmentnerd.com/secure-parenting-programConnect with Eli:Website: https://www.attachmentnerd.com/Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/attachmentnerd/TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@attachmentnerdMusic by Gold Child: https://www.goldchildmusic.com/