137. Sarah #43: Eulogy for My Old Self and T-Shirt

Doug and Kenzie break down codependence and answer a listener question about having contact with your therapist outside of your regularly scheduled sessions. In Sarah’s session, she processes some family drama involving her ex-husband. She shows progress by not getting drawn into the crisis and by letting her son have his own feelings without going into “fix-it” mode. Doug helps Sarah acknowledge how her current behaviors are more reflective of her own core identity and not the identity that was borne out of the cult. They connect this to last week’s session when Sarah gave a eulogy to her T-shirt with the motto “Keep Calm, Let Sarah Handle It.” She is now embodying a new badge of honor. Doug’s Group Therapy Practice  YMB Webpage Join Us on Social Media:  YMB The Facebook Group YMB on Instagram YMB on TikTok

Drew gives an update on his medical health and it leads to a discussion about parenting. He is worried about turning into his parents while he is preparing to become a parent himself. Doug explains how we can have traits of a personality type like narcissism or borderline without it being a diagnosable personality disorder. Drew is worried about finding a balance between focusing on himself without being too selfish and focusing on his baby without giving up himself. Kenzie and Doug break down the psychological concept of being a “good enough” parent and how we can course correct along the way. Doug’s Group Therapy Practice YMB Webpage Join Us on Social Media:  YMB The Facebook Group YMB on Instagram YMB on TikTok

Doug helps Sarah stay in the moment and allow emotions to come up. She acknowledges being more comfortable in constant motion and hypervigilance mode when she is more focused on “doing” rather than “feeling.” We hear a pivotal moment in her therapy when Sarah reads a poem she wrote as a eulogy for the motto “Keep Calm, Sarah Will Handle It.” It is an emotional goodbye and homage to her old self that embodied the motto she literally wore on a t-shirt that her siblings made for her. Sarah can envision a path ahead as a new version of herself that doesn’t try to handle everything for everyone all the time. As she says, she’ll “Keep calm, then move out of the way.” Doug’s Group Therapy Practice YMB Webpage Join Us on Social Media:  YMB The Facebook Group YMB on Instagram YMB on TikTok

Drew digs deeper into his core thought that his self-worth depends on how good of a provider he is to his family. Doug helps Drew explore taking care of himself in a healthy way rather than working so hard to provide that he keeps spinning plates until he gets overloaded and shuts down. Doug reframes the see-saw concept of a work-life balance to it all being under the umbrella of life with a balance of work, rest, and play. Drew draws the link to how the current imbalance is affecting his relationship and intimacy in his life right now. Kenzie breaks down how your individual dreams don’t have to die just because you’re in a relationship. Doug’s Group Therapy Practice YMB Webpage Join Us on Social Media:  YMB The Facebook Group YMB on Instagram YMB on TikTok

Sarah is interacting with the world around her slightly differently. Doug invites her to experiment with what it’s like to be the observer, especially when interacting with her siblings. Sarah is shifting from the person that tries to fix or correct everyone to the person that can just notice something happening without taking it personally. She realizes that sometimes the most powerful thing she can say is nothing. Kenzie and Doug break down the current progress and process of re-wiring Sarah’s brain without making it overtly clinical. Doug’s Group Therapy Practice YMB Webpage Join Us on Social Media:  YMB The Facebook Group YMB on Instagram YMB on TikTok

Drew sees progression and growth in his relationship with a friend, but doesn’t see it with his parents. Drew has an epiphany about his relationship with them that he names “conditional love,” as he is more aware of how he people-pleases in order to feel love from them. Doug helps Drew slow down and process his thoughts and feelings about the evolving relationship with his parents. Drew acknowledges feeling embarrassed, frustrated, and disappointed in who they are now, especially as it might reflect on how people see him. Doug validates his feelings and reflects it back to him before helping Drew reframe it. By radically accepting his mom as she is, he can see that she might be showing him love the way she is capable, rather than the way his love language usually recognizes it.  Doug’s Group Therapy Practice YMB Webpage Join Us on Social Media:  YMB The Facebook Group YMB on Instagram YMB on TikTok

Doug and Sarah reflect on how growing up in a cult stripped her of agency and individuality in her own life. She is reclaiming her individuality and feeling strength in her sense of self now. Doug and Sarah make the link from this to the issue she has with control. Sarah walks through a specific example when one of her sisters was driving her car. Sarah processes the anxiety and feelings around letting go of control and spoke up for something selfishly – meaning she was taking care of herself. Doug and Kenzie break down how we can process anxiety when it hits for all of us by staying mindful and present focused instead of going back into our past or future tripping. And they actually go over a couple of tools that we can all take with us.   Doug’s Group Therapy Practice YMB Webpage   Join Us on Social Media:  YMB The Facebook Group YMB on Instagram YMB on TikTok   Jennifer Lawrence on Hot Ones – What do you mean? Relax, Nothing’s Under Control – T-Shirt

Drew has a birthday coming up and a few doctors’ appointments on the horizon. He is able to organize his thoughts and come up with a plan both for addressing his medical health and for celebrating his birthday. Doug helps Drew acknowledge that he is not responsible for his parents’ response to him and his boundaries. Drew is adulting! Doug and Kenzie are feeling it – literally – as an earthquake hits during recording.   Doug’s Group Therapy Practice YMB Webpage   Join Us on Social Media: YMB The Facebook Group YMB on Instagram YMB on TikTok

Sarah acknowledges being in a constant battle with herself because of how she wants to hear feedback from others for things she has done. She has a hard time accepting praise; and, she doesn’t mind constructive criticism if it helps her grow. Doug helps her make sense of getting comfortable without having feedback be the validation. Doug and Kenzie break down external versus internal validation and the drive to be perfect versus doing your personal best. They discuss what it is to be good enough and how “meets expectations” isn’t a negative thing. Striving for perfection is about doing your best, which can be “good enough” if we allow it to be. However, many of us feel that we’re not doing enough unless something is done perfectly, especially when there’s a historical experience of criticism and an internal voice in our head constantly criticizing us. What does doing your personal best mean to you? Can that be good enough or does it need to be perfect?   Doug’s Group Therapy Practice YMB Webpage   Join us on Social Media: YMB The Facebook Group YMB on Instagram YMB on TikTok Mentioned in the Episode: Link to Rapper’s Delight from “Happy Feet” Link to “Spinal Tap” These Go to 11

Drew is feeling independence and individuation from parents, especially when he signs a lease on a new place without using them as the guarantor. He had a breakaway moment after mom didn’t show up the way he wanted her to on a phone call. He felt solitude and the “solid-tude” of relying on himself not on his parents and the anxious-attachment style that often lets him down. Drew is experiencing what it’s like to choose himself and put his needs first ahead of everyone else, instead of his old pattern of putting his needs last. Doug helps him understand what it means to show up for someone the way they want, rather than the way he wants them to show up for him. It’s not about mind reading - it’s about communicating what would be supportive to you and asking someone what feels supportive to them.   Doug’s Group Therapy Practice   YMB Webpage   Join Us on Social Media:  YMB The Facebook Group YMB on Instagram YMB on TikTok