Stop Wasting Your Energy — Here’s What to Do Instead (with Dr. Diana Hill)

Modern dating can feel like a marketplace. We’re told we all have a “mate value,” that some people are 9s and 10s, and that the laws of evolution determine who gets chosen — and who gets rejected. But what if we’ve misunderstood what evolutionary science actually says about love? Dr. Laurie sits down with social psychologist Dr. Paul Eastwick, author of Bonded by Evolution: The New Science of Love and Connection, to challenge some of the most pervasive myths about attraction and compatibility. Do dating app algorithms actually know who's right for you? Are we really all placed in different "leagues"? If you’ve ever wondered whether love is destiny, biology, or something you can actually create, Dr. Eastwick offers a surprising new perspective. Resources mentioned in this episode: Bonded by Evolution: The New Science of Love and Connection “The Pairing Game: A Classroom Demonstration of the Matching Phenomenon” “Matching for Attractiveness in Romantic Partners and Same-Sex Friends: A Meta-Analysis and Theoretical Critique” “The Social Relations Model” “Once More: Is Beauty in the Eye of the Beholder? Relative contributions of private and shared taste to judgments of facial attractiveness” “Sex Differences in Mate Preferences Revisited: Do People Know What They Initially Desire in a Romantic Partner?” “Northwestern Speed-dating Study I” “Northwestern Speed-dating Study II” “The (Mental) Ties That Bind: Cognitive Structures That Predict Relationship Resilience” “We’re Not That Choosy: Emerging Evidence of a Progression Bias in Romantic Relationships” “Romantic Relationship Status Biases Memory of Faces of Attractive Opposite-Sex Others: Evidence from a Reverse-Correlation Paradigm” “Relationship Regulation in the Face of Eye Candy: a Motivated Cognition Framework for Understanding Responses to Attractive Alternatives” “Perceived, not actual, similarity predicts initial attraction in a live romantic context: Evidence from the speed-dating paradigm” “Is Romantic Desire Predictable? Machine Learning Applied to Initial Romantic Attraction” “Love Factually”See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Modern dating can feel exhausting. On one hand, there’s the seemingly endless swiping that leads to dating app burnout; on the other, there’s what can feel like the insurmountable challenge of meeting someone in real life. But what if finding love is less about fate — and more about strategy? Dr. Laurie sits down with behavioral scientist and dating coach Tim Molnar, author of Date Smarter: A Strategic Guide to Navigating Modern Romance, to explore what the research really says about how to meet the right person, build genuine connection, and avoid common dating mistakes. Resources mentioned in this episode: Date Smarter: A Strategic Guide to Navigating Modern Romance “Receptivity to Sexual Invitations from Strangers of the Opposite Gender” How to Bounce Back from Life’s Curveballs (with Dr. Maya Shankar) “Computations of Uncertainty Mediate Acute Stress Responses in Humans” “Implementation Intentions and Goal Achievement: A Meta-Analysis of Effects and Processes”  “Forbes Health Survey: 78% Of All Users Report Dating App Burnout” “Foot-in-the-Door Technique Using a Courtship Request” “Getting Beyond Small Talk: Study Finds People Enjoy Deep Conversations with Strangers” “Grammar Is Super Important to Online Dating Sites, So Try to Speak English Good” “ Swipe-based dating applications use and its association with mental health outcomes: a cross-sectional study” (00:02:17) Date Smarter: A Strategic Guide to Navigating Modern RomanceSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Most of us have people in our lives who love us — partners, friends, family — yet many of us still don’t feel as loved as we want to. Why is there such a gap between being loved and feeling loved? And what can we actually do about it? Dr. Laurie sits down with social psychologists Dr. Sonja Lyubomirsky and Dr. Harry Reis, co-authors of How to Feel Loved, to unpack the science behind this disconnect. They explain why feeling loved so often eludes us — even in close relationships — and share research-backed insights that can help us change the conversation, strengthen our connections, and feel more loved both now and in the relationships we build in the future. Resources mentioned in this episode: How to Feel Loved: The Five Mindsets That Get You More of What Matters Most "Our Epidemic of Loneliness and Isolation: The U.S. Surgeon General’s Advisory on the Healing Effects of Social Connection and Community" "Social Ties and Susceptibility to the Common Cold" "Toward Understanding Understanding: The Importance of Feeling Understood in Relationships" "How to Get Through Hard Times: Principals' Listening Buffers Teachers' Stress on Turnover Intention and Promotes Organizational Citizenship Behavior" How to Win Friends and Influence People How to Win Friends and Influence People for Teen Girls "Self-Expansion Theory: Origins, Current Evidence, and Future Horizons" "Do Unto Others or Treat Yourself? The Effects of Prosocial and Self-Focused Behavior on Psychological Flourishing" "Everyday Prosociality in the Workplace: The Reinforcing Benefits of Giving, Getting, and Glimpsing" "Kindness Counts: Prompting Prosocial Behavior in Preadolescents Boosts Peer Acceptance and Well-Being" "The Genomic Impact of Kindness to Self vs. Others: A Randomized Controlled Trial"See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

What does it mean to live a meaningful life? How do you find direction when you feel stuck or you’re unsure about your purpose? Dave Evans and Bill Burnett, co-founders of the Stanford Life Design Lab and authors of How to Live a Meaningful Life join Dr. Laurie to challenge our assumptions about where meaning really comes from. They share practical strategies from the world of design thinking to create a more purposeful and fulfilling life while making the most of your current circumstances. Resources mentioned in this episode: Designing Your Life: How to Build a Well-Lived, Joyful Life How to Live a Meaningful Life: Using Design Thinking to Unlock Purpose, Joy, and Flow Every Day Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience The Developing Mind: How Relationships and the Brain Interact to Shape Who We Are "Overly Shallow?: Miscalibrated Expectations Create a Barrier to Deeper Conversation"See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

We often think creativity comes from sudden flashes of genius within us. But what if ideas actually exist in the world around us — waiting to be discovered and shaped by anyone paying attention? Creativity expert Dr. George Newman, author of How Great Ideas Happen, explains how anyone can become a creativity "archaeologist," uncovering innovative ideas while avoiding common myths about creativity that keep us stuck.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

It’s easy to fixate on the usual markers of success — your resume, your net worth, or how “impressive” you seem on paper. But how much do those things really speak to our wellbeing? And what do we miss when we only focus on them? Author and cultural commentator David Brooks reflects on what he learned when he moved beyond ambition, and shares some practical ways to get unstuck.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Life has a way of upending even our best-laid plans. Breakups, job losses, scary health diagnoses — these unexpected changes can leave us feeling stuck and uncertain about what comes next.Dr. Laurie speaks with her dear friend and former student, Dr. Maya Shankar, author of The Other Side of Change and host of A Slight Change of Plans, about how to navigate these major shifts, including practical tips for leaning into change instead of resisting it and reimagining the possible selves we can become in the new year.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

A lot of us spend our energy on things that aren’t worth it: projects, relationships, or goals that may feel important in the moment but ultimately leave us frustrated and drained. Dr. Diana Hill, clinical psychologist and author of Wise Effort: How to Focus Your Genius Energy on What Matters Most, gives us a roadmap for applying our energy more effectively in the new year — so that our lives feel lighter, more purposeful, and energizing instead of exhausting.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Midlife can be a period of immense change and, sometimes, challenging emotions. But it’s also an opportunity to cultivate deeper, more lasting happiness. Dr Laurie recently joined another Pushkin podcast, Decoding Women's Health with Dr Elizabeth Poynor, to share insights on how midlife women can thrive. Dr Laurie breaks down the components of happiness, explains why we’re often mistaken about what makes us happy, and provides practical tools and habits to boost wellbeing, manage negative emotions, and navigate burnout. On Decoding Women’s Health, Dr Elizabeth Poynor makes the science of women’s health accessible—from hormones to metabolism to longevity—so you can thrive at any stage of life. A world-renowned gynecologic oncologist and advanced pelvic surgeon, Dr Poynor speaks with leading physicians, researchers, and educators to share the latest science on wellness, disease prevention, and what it really means to age on your own terms. Because mid-life isn’t a crisis—it’s an opportunity.If you like what you hear, find (00:01:15) Decoding Women's Health wherever you listen to podcasts.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

What stresses you out over the festive season? Happiness Lab listeners sent in their holiday woes so Dr Laurie and guest Rainn Wilson (The Office star and host of Soul Boom) could weigh in with some science-backed advice.  In the second part of our Holiday Survival Guide, Dr Laurie and Rainn discuss what makes the perfect gift, how to slow down to enjoy the festivities, and why your smart phone should join the elf on a shelf. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.