#523 - Tender Thomas, A Good Beast and Checkout Confidential

Elis has come off the back of a midi week but that’s not a problem, because the hive mind has another great TV format to which the networks can say “I love it, so I’m going to say ‘no’.” ‘John’s Thoughts’ arrives much to Elis’s confusion, during which John’s also come up with an emotion that’s more complex than nostalgia. “What is this?” asks the Assistant to a Thought Leader about the feature. We don’t quite know yet but it is certainly a great conduit for chin wagging chat. And in all of that we’ve got a belting Made Up Game which really plays to the boys’ experience in indie commercial digital radio.It’s [email protected] if you’ve got a game that could wet our whistles.

It’s all Hits and Mems today as we imagine two media worlds that John Robins could have inhabited. These being: Bristol local radio (1-4pm) and the manosphere. Traffic, travel and the afternoon countdown to the pub, or grifting? Two forks in the road he could have gone down, but thankfully hasn’t. Safe to say his imagination is in fervent overdrive as we also hear of a world where he has $10 million… and won an Oscar. But what of Elis? Well he may have a heart attack. We also receive a right of reply from a disgraced Global Radio employee trying to clear his name, and there’s an all time great Mad Dad story of a father in a cultural vacuum. Do you possess anything mildly amusing which could pique our interest? Well [email protected] is the place to send it. And do get on the blooming Bureau on a Saturday why don’t you?

The confidence of one of the great confidence players takes a battering this week. What starts off as some light-hearted fun around the London Marathon (after Johnny JR reveals some exciting news), turns into a head-in-hands moment that curses Elis for the entirety of today’s show. How does his misstep affect his Cymru Connecting performance? Will the unassailable points gap in Made Up Games get even more unassailable? It’s all to play for. Elsewhere, John’s imagined a world that almost leaves him in tears, and there’s a TV-worthy MUG that’s more tense than this show’s compliance meeting with BBC bosses after hearing John’s supermarket docu-drama last week… You can contribute to the Elis and John canon by emailing [email protected].

The studio is wafting with sandalwood and intense male musk because Dave’s got a new scent, something which is causing John much nasal fascination. But yet again, the big story is a huge Elis James week. What a run he’s on by the way. He’s had a completely genuine standing ovation at one of London’s coolest comedy gigs. Further still, he’s performed the finest bit of house jobbery he’s ever done, with plumbing tape elevating this above Mega Week. Elsewhere, Adrian brings the boys some significant crispy content and John’s even sacking people who no longer work with him. We also have potentially our most round about chat ever in addressing some correspondence. From cumin and white pepper into the meaning of creativity to horses and penguins, back to the email. Want to add to the larder of email content? Well get it to [email protected] And do check out Saturday’s Bureau for crying out loud. Only on BBC Sounds.

John Robins feels enormous. His Christmas Day, Ryder Cup and Tax Deadline Day have all come at once. That’s right, a new supermarket has opened near his house, and he’s primed and ready to make content that no one else would dream of making. Strap in for some gonzo journalism; it’s Fear and Loathing in Rural Bucks.Supermarket excitement aside, we tackle the big questions: Did Elizabeth I wish she’d had meal deals? Did she resent not having a fridge, or Tetris, or yoghurt? What would Henry VIII have made of an air fryer?Plus, Elis’s Welshness gets him in hypothetical hot water.Get in touch via the world’s most reliable medium: email. It’s [email protected].

What do Sir Steve Redgrave, Neil Armstrong, Buzz Aldrin, Nelson Mandela, Gandhi, David Beckham and John Robins have in common? None of them were asked on QI. Elis has though, and it’s clearly going down very very well with all parties. But today feels significant as we rope in a special guest to digest Elis hammering his friend using his fast twitch fibres. On top of that, John’s having a big day - something which others seriously doubt. “He’s probably just had too much hot sauce on his scrambled egg,” cries Dave. Wrong! In fact he’s being texted by a ghost curry house. Elsewhere the boys ask Adrian *all* the questions you’ve ever wanted to know, and we get a bit nostalgic as John talks of the only cool thing he’s ever done. Email us on [email protected] Remember, the Bureau is available Saturday morning *only on* BBC Sounds.

John is not going to dance to their tune. Who’s tune? The people who design the layouts of supermarkets, that’s who. Sure, they can play their seductive little ditties, but Johnny JR ain’t dancing. But someone who is dancing to a tune is Elis James, and that tune is Welsh music (general). With St David’s Day having just passed, the pressure is on Elis to contribute to the national mood. Can he turn around a poor run of form in the Cymru Connection, or will he besmirch the good name of Wales around its big day? Elsewhere, Elis dives headfirst into a cognitive decline casserole, the boys riff a future award-winning feature on the fly, and we take a welcome trip back down the Shame Well. Send in your missives to [email protected].

Elis is in the middle of a megaweek. He’s about to do a 100m race for charity that he wishes could be 18 yards, he’s been to 10 Downing Street because Sir Keir is in love with him, and he’s been accosted by a roomful of Welsh people wanting to connect with him.But amongst all this he has also been betrayed. For there was a Paul McCartney-based event that he wasn’t invited to, despite another member of the team making the guest list.But what about John? He’s been doing what he does everyday; checking the price of Bitcoin. This despite not ever having owned any.Plus, there’s an update on the WhatsApp community and another cap in the feather of the world’s greatest invention; e-mail.If you want to get in touch via this great unparalleled medium, then send your messages to [email protected].

Elis has Barrel of Eggs’ed it. Or more accurately, Isy has. The new car has met its match in the form of inner-London car park tight corners. But for a show that holds content on the highest pedestal possible, this can only be seen as a good thing. Not only has Elis got a damaged car, but he also has a damaged connection rate in the Cymru Connection. Can youth-based listener Holly be the ticket Elis needs to do a three point turn and drive straight up Success Alley? Elsewhere there’s an abundance of fun as both Benjamin Partridge and Lou Sanders give their two cents on hot air balloons and the glowing-up of Elis James respectively, John does some winning and losing, and a trip to the sound proof booth causes Elis to do some very strange things…Keep watering the soil of content by sending in your fantastic correspondence to [email protected].

It’s Melvin Brain in the chair today as we go all Radio 4. What is thought? What is the self? High. Brow. This is the Best Comedy show at the British Podcast Awards 2025. Parenting Hell simply isn't doing this. There’s even an academic called Dr Loevenbruck involved.It is a full spectrum of vibes today. From deep psychology to S’ing yourself twice in a heartbeat.Elsewhere, John has a hollow coldness in the bones. In other words, he’s hungry. Meanwhile, Elis has eggs on the brain.And it turns out there’s hope for John in meeting the love of his life taking life two steps at a [email protected] on the email to get in touch - but do know that Producer Michael has read an awful lot of emails about inner monologues this week. The sheer quality of correspondence this week has been top tier.