Welcome To Patchwork

How long can you refrain from opening a package delivered to your house? Josh managed several hours and a car trip, which Dion considers admirable restraint and Christian considers a moment that stopped being a moment about a decade ago. Is there any wonder left in a parcel arriving at your door, or have we ordered that feeling out of existence? And what do you do with a person whose reaction to everything you say is the same small noise? Christian has been thinking about it. Where does sincerity actually live in a conversation — and is there a way to tell someone their work isn't good enough without borrowing authority from someone further up the chain? And can you see your partner's side of an argument while still thinking they're wrong? How can you tell if a congratulations is genuine? And when you sing along at a party, are you enjoying the song or informing the room that you know it? Christian caught himself mid-performance and hasn't let it go since. Plus: whether anyone can judge a haircut from the mirror at the back, the mystery of smart hairdryers, and Josh's system for remembering the names of people he's just met. It is written down allll in a note. Follow us on Instagram, YouTube, TikTok, and Facebook to see clips from the show: linktr.ee/welcometopatchwork For a couple of dollars a month you can sign up to our Patreon page and get a bonus Patch every off week! Check out: www.patreon.com/welcometopatchworkSupport the show: https://www.patreon.com/welcometopatchworkSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Do people think you look your age? Christian's been forced to find out the hard way after a shaving mishap wipes out an entire winter's worth of beard growth in one accidental swipe - and the office small talk that followed was brutal. Does more hair genuinely buy you a few extra years of guessing wrong? And is "you look different" ever actually a compliment? Then: how much is too much when it comes to eating a meal that's gone slightly wrong? Josh commits to a week of pre-made dinners that turn out to have a distinctly gritty problem, and refuses to let it stand between him and sunk-cost dinner satisfaction. Where's the actual line between "this is fine" and "this needs to go in the bin"? Finally, a full audit of small talk - who's naturally good at it, whether confidence is doing more work than substance, and Josh's awkward run-in with a very senior colleague that neither party walks away from unscathed. Plus: is it ever appropriate for a stranger to comment on the size of your shopping order? Follow us on Instagram, YouTube, TikTok, Twitter and Facebook to see clips from the show: linktr.ee/welcometopatchwork For a couple of dollars a month you can sign up to our Patreon page and get a bonus Patch every off week! Check out: www.patreon.com/welcometopatchworkSupport the show: https://www.patreon.com/welcometopatchworkSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Would you eat a piece of gum that's been rattling loose in your pocket for a week? Dion has strong feelings on the matter, plus a backstory involving bulk-buying half a kilo of gum pellets to avoid the little plastic tubs. There's a genuine attempt to establish exactly where the hygiene line sits and whether a hard outer shell is doing any of the work Dion thinks it is. Then: what actually makes a piece of free stuff worth taking? A branded hoodie, a tiny sample-sized chocolate, a keyring from a movie premiere, a suspiciously political tote bag - a working rulebook is proposed for when a freebie is a genuine win and when it's just future landfill with your name on the guilt trip. Hand-me-downs, it turns out, operate under a completely different set of rules. Finally, Josh is put on trial over why he hasn't visited Dion's new place yet. Is there a real obligation to see a friend's new house, or is it just inherited social pressure none of us have ever questioned? And is there a statute of limitations on a housewarming? Follow us on Instagram, YouTube, TikTok, Twitter and Facebook to see clips from the show: linktr.ee/welcometopatchwork For a couple of dollars a month you can sign up to our Patreon page and get a bonus Patch every off week! Check out: www.patreon.com/welcometopatchworkSupport the show: https://www.patreon.com/welcometopatchworkSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Josh admits he doesn't know his grandfather's name. Doesn't know when he was born, doesn't know where he lived. Is that fair enough, or is it something he should know? More clear-cut is Josh never computing that his parents had grandparents.  Then Josh gets thanked for a birthday gift he had absolutely nothing to do with. His housemate Georgia did all the work, and Josh signed his name on the card. How do you redirect the thanks without making it weird? And are you allowed to accept praise you didn't earn? The boys then design a tiered membership system for group gift contributions, complete with font size proportional to donation. Plus: when the sun is beaming into someone's eyes during a chat, whose responsibility is it to call it out? Remember to follow us on Instagram, YouTube, TikTok, and Facebook: linktr.ee/welcometopatchwork And for a couple of dollars a month you can sign up to our Patreon page and get a bonus Patch every off week! Check out: www.patreon.com/welcometopatchworkSupport the show: https://www.patreon.com/welcometopatchworkSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Are you a rule follower, or is a warning sign more of a suggestion? Josh finds himself stuck behind a temporary fence on a coastal walk while everyone in front of him just strolls straight past it - is that healthy scepticism of authority, or something else entirely? Is a road sign a genuine safety measure, or the government covering its own back? And does "keep off the grass" deserve more respect than any other sign in existence? That same instinct tests Dion on a much smaller scale - a single "no photos" sign on one table at a busy craft fair - and then in a far more personal way, when he walks out of an accessible toilet to find someone waiting who actually needed it. Elsewhere, Christian has very strong feelings about what his newborn son should call him, and an equally strong belief that his partner is getting it wrong.  Plus: the great debate over whether you should split up from your partner while wandering a market, and the particular heartbreak of watching someone drift off mid-way through your favourite scene. Follow us on Instagram, YouTube, TikTok, Twitter and Facebook to see clips from the show: linktr.ee/welcometopatchwork For a couple of dollars a month you can sign up to our Patreon page and get a bonus Patch every off week! Check out: www.patreon.com/welcometopatchworkSupport the show: https://www.patreon.com/welcometopatchworkSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Dion ordered himself something at Hungry Jack's by tacking it onto Josh's order, and Josh has been holding onto the receipt ever since. The boys try to work out whether the principle is worth more than the money ($6.90 to be exact). Then Christian wants to know: if you change tables at a restaurant, should the same seating order be kept? And should you take your water glass with you when you move tables? What about the menus? What is the waiter's responsibility?  Plus: Josh is sick of people asking if he has enough leg room in the back of a car. God it must be tough being so tall! For a couple of dollars a month you can sign up to our Patreon page and get a bonus Patch every off week. Check out: www.patreon.com/welcometopatchworkSupport the show: https://www.patreon.com/welcometopatchworkSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Josh has run the numbers on his 40th RSVPs and discovers what every host secretly suspects: a "maybe" is a "no", a non-reply is a "no", and even the yeses can't be trusted. Then Dion gets pulled into the strange social grey zone between a Marketplace transaction and a friendship. The buyer wants to grab a coffee. Is it a networking move? A genuine friendship bid? And how long can you sit on a reply before silence becomes the answer? Plus: the awkward etiquette of buying something expensive off a stranger, and where the most reasonable place is to meet. We upload all our episodes to YouTube so check us out there if you haven't already:  linktr.ee/welcometopatchwork For a couple of dollars a month you can sign up to our Patreon and get a bonus Patch every off week. Check out: www.patreon.com/welcometopatchworkSupport the show: https://www.patreon.com/welcometopatchworkSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Josh drops a chopstick at a restaurant and, without thinking, flags down the waiter for a new one. Dion and Christian are baffled. To them, you pick it up, you wipe it, and then you keep eating. To Josh, that's grub behaviour! We try to work out where the line is between sensible hygiene and prissy fussing, and whether wiping a fork on your t-shirt actually does anything. Then Christian gets pulled up over a request he made in a work meeting: He asked people to turn their cameras on. We try and establish when the camera-off culture took hold, and whether eating during a meeting is a fair play or rudeness of the highest order. Plus: would you rather eat a Dorito in its current form, or shaped like a Pringle and stacked in a tube? Christian thinks Pringles have figured something out the rest of the industry hasn't. The episode closes with the three of us trying to recreate a Vangelis instrument with our noses. You'll know the bit.Follow us on Instagram, YouTube and Facebook: linktr.ee/welcometopatchworkFor a couple of dollars a month you can sign up to our Patreon page and get a bonus Patch every off week! Check out: www.patreon.com/welcometopatchworkSupport the show: https://www.patreon.com/welcometopatchworkSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

If someone offers you a hot cross bun and it arrives without fruit, have you been deceived? Christian thinks his mum needs to manage expectations better. Josh argues hot cross buns have evolved into a category, like pizza, and you should be able to ask for the variant you want. And Dion wonders why a baker's dozen exists in the first place. The boys settle nothing. Josh has booked himself into a 40th birthday predicament. He sent a “save the date” to roughly 70 people, assuming unlimited capacity, lost his original venue, and now has to work out how to politely tell people they may no longer be invited. Should plus ones be welcome only if he's met them? And how big a bar tab is reasonable?  Plus: Christian is shopping for a storage cabinet for his records and gets derailed by a contact form that auto-populates "can you tell me more" into the subject line. The boys workshop the perfect email subject line for every occasion, including bookings, complaints, and inquiries. Surnames or first names? Commas or vertical bars? Order numbers above or below the "hi team"? Watch us on YouTube, and follow us on Instagram, TikTok, and Facebook, because you don't follow enough useless rubbish on those platforms! www.linktr.ee/welcometopatchwork For a couple of dollars a month you can sign up to our Patreon page and get a bonus Patch every off week. Sign up at: www.patreon.com/welcometopatchworkSupport the show: https://www.patreon.com/welcometopatchworkSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

If you take a sandwich from a shared platter and discover you hate it, are you allowed to throw it out, or are you obligated to keep eating? Josh found himself in this exact situation with a salmon sandwich and chose to power through, whilst retching. The boys try to work out what kind of brain damage leads a man to that decision, and whether finishing your plate is a matter of politeness or a personality flaw. Then Christian recounts one of the happiest mornings of his life. It somehow involves an aimless drive through Templestowe, calling an eyebrow threading place from out the front of the eyebrow threading place, and then the worldly experience he had at a car wash cafe.  Plus: what counts as a prized possession? Dion has a 1942 love letter and a pair of war-torn stockings. Christian has the silver tray his grandparents won for the driest fruit in Victoria. And Josh has his gaming PC. The boys try to work out whether age, effort, or sentimentality is what makes something prized. And Dion's pelvic floor physio has diagnosed him as a literal tight ass. Watch us on YouTube, and follow us on Instagram, TikTok, and Facebook, because you don't follow enough useless rubbish on those platforms! www.linktr.ee/welcometopatchwork For a couple of dollars a month you can sign up to our Patreon page and get a bonus Patch every off week! Check out: www.patreon.com/welcometopatchworkSupport the show: https://www.patreon.com/welcometopatchworkSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.